2/3 Through September

Welcome to ``yet more intrusive thoughts documentation''.

Today's set of intrusive thoughts involve the idea of being incognito. Suicide ideation reared its ugly head once more.

Once more, I want to emphasise that this is just a documentation of intrusive thoughts. I am in no way going to act on them.

Anyway this time, it was coupling it with the idea of being incognito. So something like, travel out to somewhere where no one knows who I am, and then just dying out there. Aokigahara comes to mind. Might be considered a great place for what the intrusive thought intends, since it combines several fun activities (travelling to Japan, hiking in a forested area) before the final end itself. Seems to fit the general mood I am feeling now, the compulsion to repulse people from my past, or what I have termed politely as ``hermitting it up''.

Bar guvat lbh'ir abgvprq ol abj vf gung gur yvggyr cnary ba gur evtug vf abj zvffvat gur ``Sevraqf/Npdhnvagnaprf'' one jvgu yvaxf gb bgure oybtf. Ncneg sebz ure, gurer vf ab bar ryfr ernyyl hcqngvat gurve oybtf nal zber. Naq V guvax fur unf svavfurq hc gur ynfg guvatf gung fur pna qb gb phg zr bhg bs ure yvsr. V nz abg oyvaq abe fghcvq---V rkgraqrq n sevraqyl punaary gb erznva nf cyngbavp sevraqf jvgu ure, ohg V xrrc trggvat ernpgvbaf gung fgngr jvgu vapernfvat ubfgvyvgl gung V nz rssrpgviryl crefban aba tengn, fubeg bs orvat gbyq cbvag oynax jvgu pehqr ynathntr gb ``shpx bss''. V pna gnxr n uvag; V'z abg jnagrq naljurer va ure yvsr ntnva. Zrffntr erprvirq ybhq naq pyrne. Gur cngu fur pubfr unf ab zber eryngvba jvgu jung V nz pheeragyl ba, rira vs fur naq V ner fgvyy cynlvat gur fnzr vafgehzragf nf Nznaqn fhppvapgyl chg onpx va gur ortvaavat jura V svefg zrg ure. V'z ab ybatre rira n sevraq; V trg gung. V jvfu ure nyy gur orfg.

Back to the topic of ``hermitting it up''. I think I might have overdone the meeting up with people bit---I am feeling rather distressed, or enervated. Things that spout out of my mouth seem to be misunderstood, offensive, or even strongly committing faux pas. During the run up to each meet up, I feel really energised and happy, because it is about meeting up with an old friend in meat space after so long of being cooped up. Then during the meet up, things seem to go smooth. Then after that, I realise that the ``smoothness'' I felt was all bullshit and I had probably pissed them off.

That's why I chickened out of an online hangout meeting with roticv and YT. That's also why I didn't feel ready when Ding asked me if I wanted to hang out with him and CH. I don't think I can handle it. I just don't think so.

I don't think that the world has a net positive with me in it. Maybe even God will snicker a little when He tries to find a use for someone like me---I wouldn't know; I just pray that He will grant me the wisdom and strength to be ready to receive from Him what my life's goal is. I am just thankful that despite the falling apart of the old social structures that sustained me, I am slowly being made a part of a new one. I don't know if I have pissed them off yet, but they seem to be welcoming still.

I just hope that I don't screw it up.

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What else is there for me to write here, now? Life is just a cycle of waking up, thanking the Lord for giving me another day of wakefulness, reading and learning from the Scripture, then going about the work day trying to make sense of the chaos that comes from a world that is currently in turmoil from all kinds of nonsense. Then at the end of the day, I break for food, thanking the Lord for giving me access to food before eating, then take the bus home to do more reading of whatever is on my reading list, do some lessons on duolingo, then turn in for the night.

I'm not expecting people to understand me any more. Heck, I'm not even expecting the people I call/called friends to understand me either---they are all on different legs of their lives, most of them have their own families to run, and the last thing I think they need is to have someone whining about how shitty that person's life is despite having a place to stay, a job, and skills that are apparently considered ``hard skills'' in this time and age. ``But MT, aren't you projecting yourself a little too much here? Maybe they are trying to reach out to you to give you the space you might need to bitch about things---have you stopped to consider that?'' Yeah, perhaps I have. Makes me so pathetic right, big grown-ass man with all these feelings that he cannot man-up and stuff it down a chute that he needs people to take pity on him and call him out for a hang out so that he doesn't wallow in his own shitty emotions.

If I knew what it was I wanted, it would have been easier. But for now, I just don't. And talking to people isn't something that I think I want to engage in just yet.

It'll be soooooooo much easier if I were dead. But alas, me being dead now does absolutely nothing to help with advancing the gospel, so it'll have to be on hold for now. It'll happen when it's supposed to happen, so I don't have to worry about advancing it.

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In other news, the dead-tree version of Instead of Death by William Stringfellow has finally arrived by post. It was a book that was recommended by Brian---I think I might just start reading it. I was a little surprised to find that it was a thin number---I was expecting something like a 300+ page tome of sorts. I have no reason why I would think so, but it was something.

I have also created a new on-line tool that replicated the old Blogger behaviour. In the old behaviour, one could just type and embed some HTML tags as needed, without having to explicitly chuck in some paragraph-tags to delimit the paragraphs. I liked that system because it made the blog flow so much easier---it felt more like writing a blog entry as opposed to coding a blog entry. It was an option that could be enabled in the old Blogger. But thanks to the latest update that was forced upon us, I was stuck with either ``pure'' HTML mode where I had to tag every thing, or in ``pure'' composer mode where I was supposed to work like it was some word processor. There was none of the hybridised behaviour that I was looking for, and it annoyed me.

I write blog entries to get stuff out of my head as fast as possible. Had I wanted to code up an HTML page, I'd just do it in my personal domain.

Perhaps there's still an option like that hiding about---if there is, I haven't seen it. Hence that silly little tool.

Okay, I think I've said as much as I cared to this time. Till the next update, I suppose.