Ah, the last working day of 2024 for me has finally come, and gone.
And how do I feel?
Tired. That's just the only word I have left to say---tired.
It has been a long year. Everything started to come to a head for work, and this did not include the turnover of some folks. I got more involved as a manager, and then there are things where my other hat of being a technical leader came into play. I had my Ls, I had my Ws.
What I did not have, was parts of my sanity.
I was increasingly irascible, though tempered with profound use of profanity both minced and explicit, as well as a healthy amount of jadedness that comes with advancing age. I disliked people even more, clawing hard at the time that I have to spend alone in my room, the door closed, the blinds down, with my thoughts to myself, and with a book (or Wikipedia) opened in front of me as a companion.
I fell sick ever so often, with headaches and sore throats being the prime causes. Sleep was fading away, even as I struggled to derive more meaning in my life through engaging in new activities even as old ones start to run stale and gradually losing their meaning.
Yet the core problem remained: there were people, always there were people. I didn't hate any of them individually, but as a whole, I despised them. I despised the shallow nature of people who pretended to be nice, to seemingly want to learn more about me, when there is little left to learn from what is currently a husk of a man that I am. I despised the shared elitism and knowingness that they had, as they were more deeply integrated in worlds that I am merely a sojourner to. I despised the ever-increasing one-upmanship that was ever so implicitly demonstrated, through no fault of their own, but as a result of the world that they were embedded in.
I love them individually, yet hate them all as a whole.
I sit in a corner, and cry softly to myself about the apparent paradox.
The paradox hits me even in places where I was not expected to put up a public front. I would love to be with someone who cares for me in a way that I would care for her, yet I hate all of them who make hating men the socially acceptable norm. I want to be with that special someone forever, but know that the odds are ever-increasingly stacked against me even as I fast approach the start of the fourth decade of my life. I want to meet new people who may be that special someone, but fear the inevitable betrayal that is common to those who are brought up in an environment where only material gains are revered while hard work is disdained.
And so here I am, sitting here in the soothing darkness of my room once more, lamenting about world with a temporary sense of self-pity, even as the year races on to its end.
``MT, the fuck you want?''
Good question: no answer.
What do I want?
Maybe to be happy again. I think I was truly happy when I was in love---I said nothing about it, but apparently those around me could see it.
I think I was fairly content when I was In The Zone, be it programming a computer, writing a new piece of music, writing some story, or working through a new music with one of the many instruments I play. I think I was quietly content whenever I had fancy aburi nigiri sushi at my favourite sushi place, or when I had successfully pulled off yet another music performance.
But I think I was truly happy when I was in love, and sadly, I don't think that I can ever be in love again.
Time is running short (as is the shrinking pool) to truly know someone, and then there's that trauma (oh I hate this word so!) of getting my heart wrenched out eventually once more.
Each time a relationship was done, I lost a bit more of myself, and it took me longer and longer to recover. I simply do not feel safe enough to want to put myself in that position again.
Naturally, me in this state also means that anyone who is then introduced to me with that as a general direction would be placed under some tremendous implicit pressure, something that I do not feel comfortable having anyone else to experience.
And yet if I do not take that step out, I will end up regretting through inaction.
``MT, man the fuck up and go out there!''
Ah, that ``toxic masculinity'' that society likes to toss out at woe-be-me menfolk. Everyone likes to think about what a man can bring into a relationship with a woman, with the implicit assumption of traditional gender roles as the man being the provider.
I'd like to think myself as a fairly clean and acceptable man, and so my question is then: what can a woman bring into a relationship with me? Why must I demean myself like some toy to some woman just for the chance of some ``relationship''? I'm not looking for a master; I'm not looking for a slave either.
I'm looking for a partner, someone who complements my strengths through filling out my weakness, who sees me not as some cash machine, but as another intellectual being, and are willing to think together with me to take on the world to make it a better place for us.
I do not need her, she should not need me---but together, we are stronger, and we treasure that synergistic resonance between us.
If this ``criterion'' is too much to ask, I suppose it is better to just go it alone instead of settling for something else for the sake of being in a relationship.
The biblical concept of ``unequally yoked'' has made me do a lot of thinking about it. And what I understood of it is quite jarring in the Bayesian way of looking at this whole relation-date-ship thing.
``Unequally yoked'' is traditionally stated as the difference between believer and the non-believer, and how that will end up becoming the point of friction because the values of the two are not the same.
My take on it is that while all believers are saved, not all believers are ``equal''. Some are so steeped and holy that they are walking saints, while there are those of us who are new and are still finding our way to Christ-likeness. So just because two people are believers is of no bearing if they can be compatible in a relationship---where they are on their journey in their discipleship with Christ makes a big difference too.
And since all disciples are still sinners (we still need to repent our sins daily), the comparison of where one is compared to another in terms of saintliness is unavoidable, which leads to the whole ``unequally yoked'' situation.
And perhaps my recent interactions with too many people as a whole have demonstrated this to me time and time again. We may be playing in the same music-making group, but due to where we are in our development of our music, we will never be equals, and the gap is one of those that just isn't going to magically disappear.
``MT, what's your point? Are you rationalising why you are a loser?''
First off, I'm not a loser. I don't harp on my past achievements, but I am actually living fairly comfortably---not rich, but at least I have enough freedom to do what I want, when I want. And since I'm not a loser, I'm not rationalising anything of that sort, but am just merely making a trite observation, and wondering how it may be relevant to my current situation. Since I believe that my fate is with God, I do not take ``patterns'' lightly---there has to be some meaning behind it that I need to understand.
Or if you'd prefer a secular argument, similar situations with similar outcomes suggest that I am doing something similar in reaction, and if I do not like the outcome, it behooves me to re-examine my actions critically to identify what it is that is causing all these outcomes in the first place, with the intention of altering it.
Perhaps the lesson to learn here for me is to not worry about fitting in, and just enjoy being the interloper. I have my skills and my thoughts that may not match up with the norms, but so what? No one said that I had to be a part of that world. As long as I am harming no one, and not blaspheming God, there isn't anything inherently wrong with that.
There are, of course, consequences for any and all actions I choose to take, but that is par for the course and should not be feared.
And with that, I realise that I have said too much for this one entry, and will stop here before the monologue starts veering even more into the land of the nonsense.
Till the next update.
Tuesday, December 24, 2024
Tuesday, December 10, 2024
Expungement
Suffer me for a bit, gentle reader. It's the end of the year, I'm mostly alone, and my birthday is around the corner.
This means that the ol' noggin's in overdrive having intrusive thoughts. And the thing about intrusive thoughts is that I need to drive them out before they start to become a real problem.
But first, to the crawling Applebot---don't be a dick, okay?
And now, for the rest of the write-up.
I'm hitting forty. The so-called ``mid-life crisis'' is something that I ought to be familiar with as a concept, having undergone something similar nearly fifteen years ago when I just got out of my first graduate diploma, being in roughly the same position as now (i.e. alone, and out of love). [Un-]fortunately for me, I don't have enough cash to splurge on a car (in SIN city, that's just stupid), an apartment (living with my parents is infinitely better than living alone for a whole variety of reasons), and I don't have the looks and what I think are the ``good'' qualifications to be married.
I know where I stand. My appearance is... much passable now than it was twenty years ago, but that is a very low bar. In addition, being the interloper/outsider for most of the places and people I am with means that while I am there, I am usually not truly integrated into the group-think. There are pros and cons of that---the most obvious pro is that it means that if I end up in an executive position, I will end up being as independent as thought as can be (a boon), while the obvious con is that not being a part of the group-think makes me an even bigger outcast that I might be.
If there's some kind of lasting character quality of me, it is likely to be that of an outcast.
And if I'm an outcast (yet not quite an iconoclast), forget about being attractive to anyone, matchmade or not. I am more likely than not to have little to no connection.
A friend of mine has been trying to matchmake me, and while I appreciate their efforts, the me of today thinks that it's probably going to be in vain. If a relationship's success is dependent on having good and clear communication, then what kind of a relationship can spawn between someone who is likely to be a ``normie'' and one who is a well-known outcast?
Even if we restricted the relationship to something more physical in nature, it is likely to be doomed to failure, since I know just how unattractive I am, physically.
I'm not ripped, have no intention to, have a receding hairline as well as male-pattern baldness, and have bad skin to boot.
Who the fuck in their right frame of mind will see me and go ``ooo he's physically attractive enough for me?'' Talk about massive halu right there.
So I suspect that the route of a spousal relationship is effectively closed now. I'm not dumb enough to swear a covenant, but I think I'll just don't give a shit about it any more.
In other words, this rant might be the last time I talk about all these... relation-date-ship matters.
``OMG MT is turning incel!''
No, not incel---it is not being ``involuntary celibate''. I am intentionally choosing to be celibate, because there are other things to do that are perhaps more meaningful than boning someone. Like reading, writing, and perhaps making music.
``MT, aren't you afraid of dying alone?''
If you are seriously asking this question here and now, you truly do not understand me. Since when am I afraid of dying, let alone dying alone? When I die, I die---perhaps I shall sit with God through Jesus' intervention, or perhaps I end up on Sheol, or perhaps my faith is misplaced and there is truly nothing after. In other words, I'd be dead---why do I care if I died alone or not?
I mean, in the end, everyone dies alone. Doesn't matter if one practises one of the many dubious acts of co-burial/immolation of one's loved ones to ``die together''---there just isn't any proof either way, and so by Occam's Razor the shortest hypothesis of everyone dying alone is probably likely to be the more correct.
I don't even want to get into a ``discussion'' on how having another person can enrich my life. If I were a deeply integrated part of some society, mayhaps it will make sense. But I'm an interloper, an outsider no matter where I am. In that circumstance, how can anyone be a part of my world and enrich my life?
It's funny that I have these intrusive thoughts. Hard to tell if these are truly what I want, or are they actually just thoughts.
Better to just let these thoughts out, and send a prayer up to God to guide me according to His ways instead.
Till the next expungement then.
This means that the ol' noggin's in overdrive having intrusive thoughts. And the thing about intrusive thoughts is that I need to drive them out before they start to become a real problem.
But first, to the crawling Applebot---don't be a dick, okay?
And now, for the rest of the write-up.
I'm hitting forty. The so-called ``mid-life crisis'' is something that I ought to be familiar with as a concept, having undergone something similar nearly fifteen years ago when I just got out of my first graduate diploma, being in roughly the same position as now (i.e. alone, and out of love). [Un-]fortunately for me, I don't have enough cash to splurge on a car (in SIN city, that's just stupid), an apartment (living with my parents is infinitely better than living alone for a whole variety of reasons), and I don't have the looks and what I think are the ``good'' qualifications to be married.
I know where I stand. My appearance is... much passable now than it was twenty years ago, but that is a very low bar. In addition, being the interloper/outsider for most of the places and people I am with means that while I am there, I am usually not truly integrated into the group-think. There are pros and cons of that---the most obvious pro is that it means that if I end up in an executive position, I will end up being as independent as thought as can be (a boon), while the obvious con is that not being a part of the group-think makes me an even bigger outcast that I might be.
If there's some kind of lasting character quality of me, it is likely to be that of an outcast.
And if I'm an outcast (yet not quite an iconoclast), forget about being attractive to anyone, matchmade or not. I am more likely than not to have little to no connection.
A friend of mine has been trying to matchmake me, and while I appreciate their efforts, the me of today thinks that it's probably going to be in vain. If a relationship's success is dependent on having good and clear communication, then what kind of a relationship can spawn between someone who is likely to be a ``normie'' and one who is a well-known outcast?
Even if we restricted the relationship to something more physical in nature, it is likely to be doomed to failure, since I know just how unattractive I am, physically.
I'm not ripped, have no intention to, have a receding hairline as well as male-pattern baldness, and have bad skin to boot.
Who the fuck in their right frame of mind will see me and go ``ooo he's physically attractive enough for me?'' Talk about massive halu right there.
So I suspect that the route of a spousal relationship is effectively closed now. I'm not dumb enough to swear a covenant, but I think I'll just don't give a shit about it any more.
In other words, this rant might be the last time I talk about all these... relation-date-ship matters.
``OMG MT is turning incel!''
No, not incel---it is not being ``involuntary celibate''. I am intentionally choosing to be celibate, because there are other things to do that are perhaps more meaningful than boning someone. Like reading, writing, and perhaps making music.
``MT, aren't you afraid of dying alone?''
If you are seriously asking this question here and now, you truly do not understand me. Since when am I afraid of dying, let alone dying alone? When I die, I die---perhaps I shall sit with God through Jesus' intervention, or perhaps I end up on Sheol, or perhaps my faith is misplaced and there is truly nothing after. In other words, I'd be dead---why do I care if I died alone or not?
I mean, in the end, everyone dies alone. Doesn't matter if one practises one of the many dubious acts of co-burial/immolation of one's loved ones to ``die together''---there just isn't any proof either way, and so by Occam's Razor the shortest hypothesis of everyone dying alone is probably likely to be the more correct.
I don't even want to get into a ``discussion'' on how having another person can enrich my life. If I were a deeply integrated part of some society, mayhaps it will make sense. But I'm an interloper, an outsider no matter where I am. In that circumstance, how can anyone be a part of my world and enrich my life?
It's funny that I have these intrusive thoughts. Hard to tell if these are truly what I want, or are they actually just thoughts.
Better to just let these thoughts out, and send a prayer up to God to guide me according to His ways instead.
Till the next expungement then.
Saturday, December 07, 2024
See? This is Why You Should Save Your Work, No Matter How Temporary
See, the one time I didn't save an intermediate copy of my blog entry on Q10, was the one time Q10 decided to crash and take away the five hundred words.
Well anyway, I'll just speedrun the contents and skip the nuance.
I am/was down in the dumps; week's been long with having to deal with too many people; I hate myself but seeing that past-me gave present-me a chance to thrive, I will extend the good deed to future-me and not do anything utterly stupid; I think I'm a problem-solver type, and suspect that am not ``lovable'' since there isn't anything seemingly emotionally/relationally related to being a problem-solver; Love Hina is sad and isn't some taboo erotica that ought to be banned back when it was still in circulation.
Okay, and now on to something that wasn't wiped out in the crash.
I just got a carbon fibre instrument stand for The Big Flute. The difference was... it was 0.6 kg for the new stand versus 3.2 kg for the old one, all without feeling unstable as fuck even as the 4.6 kg mass of The Big Flute was resting on it. And that does not take into account the more compact for factor as well (tubes with some seemingly 3D-printed joint-blocks and neodymium magnets for holding things in place).
I had also sprung for a carbon fibre case for The Big Flute to replace the current wooden one. The mass difference there should be about 2.3 kg versus 5.7 kg. This means that the total mass of things that I need to lug around is now just 6.9 kg, versus 13.5 kg that I am currently doing for instrument + case + stand. It doesn't sound like much, especially considering that the new carbon fibre case + stand costs nearly a quarter of the MSRP of The Big Flute, but when the volume is taken into account, it is just that much more compact that it makes it worth the while.
Because with this new set up, I can move more easily, without ever feeling nor looking clunky. And this can open up new avenues, especially if something else pans out.
But the case isn't coming in till 2025-02 or so, and we'll just have to wait till then.
Meanwhile, I don't really have much else to talk about, so till the next update.
Well anyway, I'll just speedrun the contents and skip the nuance.
I am/was down in the dumps; week's been long with having to deal with too many people; I hate myself but seeing that past-me gave present-me a chance to thrive, I will extend the good deed to future-me and not do anything utterly stupid; I think I'm a problem-solver type, and suspect that am not ``lovable'' since there isn't anything seemingly emotionally/relationally related to being a problem-solver; Love Hina is sad and isn't some taboo erotica that ought to be banned back when it was still in circulation.
Okay, and now on to something that wasn't wiped out in the crash.
I just got a carbon fibre instrument stand for The Big Flute. The difference was... it was 0.6 kg for the new stand versus 3.2 kg for the old one, all without feeling unstable as fuck even as the 4.6 kg mass of The Big Flute was resting on it. And that does not take into account the more compact for factor as well (tubes with some seemingly 3D-printed joint-blocks and neodymium magnets for holding things in place).
I had also sprung for a carbon fibre case for The Big Flute to replace the current wooden one. The mass difference there should be about 2.3 kg versus 5.7 kg. This means that the total mass of things that I need to lug around is now just 6.9 kg, versus 13.5 kg that I am currently doing for instrument + case + stand. It doesn't sound like much, especially considering that the new carbon fibre case + stand costs nearly a quarter of the MSRP of The Big Flute, but when the volume is taken into account, it is just that much more compact that it makes it worth the while.
Because with this new set up, I can move more easily, without ever feeling nor looking clunky. And this can open up new avenues, especially if something else pans out.
But the case isn't coming in till 2025-02 or so, and we'll just have to wait till then.
Meanwhile, I don't really have much else to talk about, so till the next update.
Sunday, December 01, 2024
It's Faunover
Is the hololive English dream truly over?
Ceres Fauna has just declared her leaving of hololive English while I was at church this morning.
Doomposting aside, I think that there are quite a few things at play that probably few of us truly comprehend.
For one, the Cover Corporation that we knew of is not the same one anymore. Their stable of talents are aplenty, they had gone public, and have invested in stupid big amounts of money in a fancy studio to support their 3D media offering.
Their senior management has also changed, with an old director on the hololive English side being replaced, and their longest supporting director (A-Chan) having left the company earlier this year.
There has also been lots of collaborations with other companies, and many other steps had been taken to monetise the hololive IP, or at least put things on a firm enough footing that the hololive IP is kept in a form that is at least legally defensible as such.
But in the VTubing sphere as a whole, Nijisanji English has collapsed, and a ton of other small corpos have shuttered up, even as the world gets increasingly more dangerous with many rather hard-headed attempts to force things to the way they were before COVID-19 changed how we lived, worked, and played.
Third spaces have been lost, yet we find that people are starting to find alternative ways of leaving their COVID-19 shells of solace. This is especially so due to the backlash from how social media has absolutely fucked up a lot of things that matter to people a whole lot, from elections to jobs, and everything in between. Generative AI lurks in the background, providing large companies with an excuse to splurge money on some nebulous ``AI'' concept that is loosely powered by these generative AI models---the return of investment is seemingly even higher than that of the previous technological hype of the blockchain.
All in all, the world's a mess, and people seem to pine for the ``good old days''.
Unfortunately, VTubing wasn't a part of that ``good old days''. And so when big [old] money gets involved, it seems inevitable that they would force their ways of doing things down---after all, if they weren't smart, they wouldn't be the ones holding on to the capital that the company so sorely needs as ``investment'', right?
That is hard to say.
If the old ways were truly the best, then there would be no reason for evolution into the new ways. And luck does play an unbelievably large role as well, even if it isn't always the most dominant.
VTubing flourishing during the COVID-19 years was happenstance meeting some form of preparation. But whether it is something that can make it into the mainstream media as a consistent revenue stream... is something to be seen.
I mean, who can forget the sitcom era of the 1990s, and then the reality TV era of the 2000s? They eventually fell off the radar, and became niched topics at some point.
Maybe VTubing is heading to that end state.
But what I do want to say is, there's a time for everything. Every peak must be surrounded by troughs; otherwise it wouldn't be a peak. VTubing has probably hit a peak about 2 years ago, with Cover Corporation leading the pack.
And maybe it is time for a trough.
Ceres Fauna has just declared her leaving of hololive English while I was at church this morning.
Doomposting aside, I think that there are quite a few things at play that probably few of us truly comprehend.
For one, the Cover Corporation that we knew of is not the same one anymore. Their stable of talents are aplenty, they had gone public, and have invested in stupid big amounts of money in a fancy studio to support their 3D media offering.
Their senior management has also changed, with an old director on the hololive English side being replaced, and their longest supporting director (A-Chan) having left the company earlier this year.
There has also been lots of collaborations with other companies, and many other steps had been taken to monetise the hololive IP, or at least put things on a firm enough footing that the hololive IP is kept in a form that is at least legally defensible as such.
But in the VTubing sphere as a whole, Nijisanji English has collapsed, and a ton of other small corpos have shuttered up, even as the world gets increasingly more dangerous with many rather hard-headed attempts to force things to the way they were before COVID-19 changed how we lived, worked, and played.
Third spaces have been lost, yet we find that people are starting to find alternative ways of leaving their COVID-19 shells of solace. This is especially so due to the backlash from how social media has absolutely fucked up a lot of things that matter to people a whole lot, from elections to jobs, and everything in between. Generative AI lurks in the background, providing large companies with an excuse to splurge money on some nebulous ``AI'' concept that is loosely powered by these generative AI models---the return of investment is seemingly even higher than that of the previous technological hype of the blockchain.
All in all, the world's a mess, and people seem to pine for the ``good old days''.
Unfortunately, VTubing wasn't a part of that ``good old days''. And so when big [old] money gets involved, it seems inevitable that they would force their ways of doing things down---after all, if they weren't smart, they wouldn't be the ones holding on to the capital that the company so sorely needs as ``investment'', right?
That is hard to say.
If the old ways were truly the best, then there would be no reason for evolution into the new ways. And luck does play an unbelievably large role as well, even if it isn't always the most dominant.
VTubing flourishing during the COVID-19 years was happenstance meeting some form of preparation. But whether it is something that can make it into the mainstream media as a consistent revenue stream... is something to be seen.
I mean, who can forget the sitcom era of the 1990s, and then the reality TV era of the 2000s? They eventually fell off the radar, and became niched topics at some point.
Maybe VTubing is heading to that end state.
But what I do want to say is, there's a time for everything. Every peak must be surrounded by troughs; otherwise it wouldn't be a peak. VTubing has probably hit a peak about 2 years ago, with Cover Corporation leading the pack.
And maybe it is time for a trough.
A Little Bit More on the Flute Fair
Ah... stupid o'clock---the time of day where I sometimes grab an alcoholic drink, and start writing semi-readable nonsense.
So less than a week ago, I was a participant at this year's edition of the Autumn Flute Fair. I was normally just a passive participant, in the sense that I would spend time mostly at the trade floor, hanging out with the dealers, trying out flutes/piccolos, confusing people with music that they aren't used to (i.e. Chinese orchestral stuff), and the such. This time though, due to my affiliation with the King's Flute Choir, I was involved in quite a few of the other concert-like events. In the face of bonafide flute players [who do it Very Seriously], I stuck with going with The Big Flute instead.
Hardly anyone wants to play the contrabass flute for three big reasons:
So, why'd I play it?
Well, mostly because of reasons #1 and #2---I like low flutes after three decades of going high. And on that note, I get all the flashy stuff out of my system through ample dizi playing, and thus have no real wish to spend up to four times more time to master the Flute 1 parts. Most flute choirs are top-heavy anyway, and thus having more bass is always a good thing, making the role that The Big Flute play somewhat more interesting than might otherwise noted.
The flute Jamboree on Saturday afternoon was a fun one, and the closest to the largest combined flute choir-like entity that could be summoned during the Festival. The sonority of having a full-range flute choir when playing out chords was something to behold, especially when coupled with the good acoustics of the SOTA concert hall. While there were a total of three contrabass flutes lurking throughout all the performers, only two were available during the Jamboree proper (the Taiwan contingent came in late enough that they didn't manage/want to unpack their contrabass flute).
It was also interesting to note that of all the eight or so flute choirs that turned up for the Festival, there were only three contrabass flutes to go around. I knew that the contrabass flute wasn't that common, but I didn't realise just how uncommon it truly was.
For additional reference, The Big Flute is probably only the second contrabass flute to be in SIN city as at now, with the first one spending most of its time located in Johor Bahru due to the player [based in Singapore] finding it annoying to lug the heavy flute to and fro the Causeway for rehearsals with the flute choir that is based in Johor Bahru.
But I digress.
I won't write about the concerts, other than they were full of different harmonies due to their different composers.
I think I am likely done with writing anything else about the Festival for a while, even as I slowly find myself becoming a part of the flute fraternity of Singapore (and possibly SEA), possibly due to The Big Flute.
------
In other news, the upcoming month or two is going to be a mixed bag. On the one hand, things have finally tapered off somewhat due to the end of the year, with many of my team taking turns to go on long leave. On the other hand, I'm still stuck holding the fort, and having a couple of new mini-projects that I need to work on, as well as supervising an intern for a special project.
I know that I have no plans to travel out of SIN city, but damn I feel tired. We'll see how it goes.
I wasn't expecting it, but Brotato is a damn fun game. It's like a less claustrophobic version of The Binding of Isaac crossed with the ``be the bullet hell'' progression of Vampire Survivors, and it is addictively fun. I have been playing it at bursts, and have been enjoying it. It also has some quality of life options, like allowing the re-attempt of a failed wave to make it less annoying (I naturally took it---I'm an older man now with little time to spend on grinding unnecessarily).
100 Bullets is a very gritty story that is worth a read.
I think that's about it. The Anchor Strong beer isn't particularly strong (6.8%), but it is getting late. The last thing I would say is my bemusement at realising that an Applebot crawler is actively crawling this blog, possibly when its operators realise that a real-ish human is still writing new entries on it, as opposed to some AI-generated slop.
To the Applebot crawler: don't be a dick.
To everyone else; till next time.
So less than a week ago, I was a participant at this year's edition of the Autumn Flute Fair. I was normally just a passive participant, in the sense that I would spend time mostly at the trade floor, hanging out with the dealers, trying out flutes/piccolos, confusing people with music that they aren't used to (i.e. Chinese orchestral stuff), and the such. This time though, due to my affiliation with the King's Flute Choir, I was involved in quite a few of the other concert-like events. In the face of bonafide flute players [who do it Very Seriously], I stuck with going with The Big Flute instead.
Hardly anyone wants to play the contrabass flute for three big reasons:
- Shit's big, long, & heavy;
- Shit's not flashy; and
- Shit's expensive.
So, why'd I play it?
Well, mostly because of reasons #1 and #2---I like low flutes after three decades of going high. And on that note, I get all the flashy stuff out of my system through ample dizi playing, and thus have no real wish to spend up to four times more time to master the Flute 1 parts. Most flute choirs are top-heavy anyway, and thus having more bass is always a good thing, making the role that The Big Flute play somewhat more interesting than might otherwise noted.
The flute Jamboree on Saturday afternoon was a fun one, and the closest to the largest combined flute choir-like entity that could be summoned during the Festival. The sonority of having a full-range flute choir when playing out chords was something to behold, especially when coupled with the good acoustics of the SOTA concert hall. While there were a total of three contrabass flutes lurking throughout all the performers, only two were available during the Jamboree proper (the Taiwan contingent came in late enough that they didn't manage/want to unpack their contrabass flute).
It was also interesting to note that of all the eight or so flute choirs that turned up for the Festival, there were only three contrabass flutes to go around. I knew that the contrabass flute wasn't that common, but I didn't realise just how uncommon it truly was.
For additional reference, The Big Flute is probably only the second contrabass flute to be in SIN city as at now, with the first one spending most of its time located in Johor Bahru due to the player [based in Singapore] finding it annoying to lug the heavy flute to and fro the Causeway for rehearsals with the flute choir that is based in Johor Bahru.
But I digress.
I won't write about the concerts, other than they were full of different harmonies due to their different composers.
I think I am likely done with writing anything else about the Festival for a while, even as I slowly find myself becoming a part of the flute fraternity of Singapore (and possibly SEA), possibly due to The Big Flute.
------
In other news, the upcoming month or two is going to be a mixed bag. On the one hand, things have finally tapered off somewhat due to the end of the year, with many of my team taking turns to go on long leave. On the other hand, I'm still stuck holding the fort, and having a couple of new mini-projects that I need to work on, as well as supervising an intern for a special project.
I know that I have no plans to travel out of SIN city, but damn I feel tired. We'll see how it goes.
I wasn't expecting it, but Brotato is a damn fun game. It's like a less claustrophobic version of The Binding of Isaac crossed with the ``be the bullet hell'' progression of Vampire Survivors, and it is addictively fun. I have been playing it at bursts, and have been enjoying it. It also has some quality of life options, like allowing the re-attempt of a failed wave to make it less annoying (I naturally took it---I'm an older man now with little time to spend on grinding unnecessarily).
100 Bullets is a very gritty story that is worth a read.
I think that's about it. The Anchor Strong beer isn't particularly strong (6.8%), but it is getting late. The last thing I would say is my bemusement at realising that an Applebot crawler is actively crawling this blog, possibly when its operators realise that a real-ish human is still writing new entries on it, as opposed to some AI-generated slop.
To the Applebot crawler: don't be a dick.
To everyone else; till next time.
Monday, November 25, 2024
The Big Flute and the Autumn Flute Fair
What a weekend!
But first, I'll need to say this: I am going to make this as brief as possible as primo sleep time is fading away.
I took leave from last Thursday to today inclusive just so that I could take part in this year's edition of the Autumn Flute Fair. I got to be a part of a concert with the King's Flute Choir, playing The Big Flute, instead of being just my usual bug-every-dealer-in-the-Fair mode.
I met Chara; it wasn't awkward. It was just like as though the five years didn't happen, and really, did it? Everyone's different post COVID-19, me included. At least we spoke on friendlier terms and shared a little about our lives thus far, just like it all was before we decided to go serious.
SOTA as a venue was alright, though the behaviour of their assigned support staff/ushers/security folk was... odious. I can understand about them needing to do their jobs, but man, when they are front-of-house, their attitude kinda stinks. For instance, on day one of the Flute Fair, me and a bunch of people who have repair appointments at the earliest time slot were just sitting on the public seats outside the Gallery (where the repair technicians and the dealers' floor of the Fair were), knowing full well that we weren't supposed to go in because it just wasn't time. An officious woman from SOTA stepped out of the Gallery thought it proper to walk up to each of us and tell us ``Exhibition not open yet---it opens at one o'clock ah!'' Internally, I was just thinking, `no shit, that's why we're sitting here!', but externally I just frowned.
At the concert that I was not playing, another equally officious woman from SOTA was policing the seating with the rigour that would make the drill sergeant blush.
``No pockets! Move in!''
That was the command that was barked about. Now, there was nothing wrong about asking folks to move in to fill in the spaces; after all no one likes gaps in a concert call audience that prevents others from filling in easier. But there has got to be a better way of doing so.
And that woman barked that command at the dude who rented the concert hall from them to run the concert in the first place, when he was doing his usual I'll-move-around-to-oversee-things. He's a chill dude, and that was one of the few times I saw him get upset enough to stop explaining things, and just get up to walk out; the kind of action that often took these days when I realised that the situation was something that I just didn't have to put up with.
The level of power tripping from these front-of-house staff was just appalling.
That said, back-of-house staff was chill and helpful. They got shit done, smoothing things out, and were a joy to interact with.
But back-of-house was not the thing that the audience sees; the entitled attitude of the front-of-house staff was offputting. Maybe it's their way of showing that they were ``classy'', but I wouldn't be surprised if it was this attitude that made the SOTA venues less enticing for rental for events.
Or maybe that was the intention all along.
Anyway, there was naturally more that happened over the past few days, and I could write about them, but it is getting way past stupid o'clock, and if I do not crash out now, my sleep schedule is going to be utterly fucked by the time I need to start heading back into office.
Till the next update then.
But first, I'll need to say this: I am going to make this as brief as possible as primo sleep time is fading away.
I took leave from last Thursday to today inclusive just so that I could take part in this year's edition of the Autumn Flute Fair. I got to be a part of a concert with the King's Flute Choir, playing The Big Flute, instead of being just my usual bug-every-dealer-in-the-Fair mode.
I met Chara; it wasn't awkward. It was just like as though the five years didn't happen, and really, did it? Everyone's different post COVID-19, me included. At least we spoke on friendlier terms and shared a little about our lives thus far, just like it all was before we decided to go serious.
SOTA as a venue was alright, though the behaviour of their assigned support staff/ushers/security folk was... odious. I can understand about them needing to do their jobs, but man, when they are front-of-house, their attitude kinda stinks. For instance, on day one of the Flute Fair, me and a bunch of people who have repair appointments at the earliest time slot were just sitting on the public seats outside the Gallery (where the repair technicians and the dealers' floor of the Fair were), knowing full well that we weren't supposed to go in because it just wasn't time. An officious woman from SOTA stepped out of the Gallery thought it proper to walk up to each of us and tell us ``Exhibition not open yet---it opens at one o'clock ah!'' Internally, I was just thinking, `no shit, that's why we're sitting here!', but externally I just frowned.
At the concert that I was not playing, another equally officious woman from SOTA was policing the seating with the rigour that would make the drill sergeant blush.
``No pockets! Move in!''
That was the command that was barked about. Now, there was nothing wrong about asking folks to move in to fill in the spaces; after all no one likes gaps in a concert call audience that prevents others from filling in easier. But there has got to be a better way of doing so.
And that woman barked that command at the dude who rented the concert hall from them to run the concert in the first place, when he was doing his usual I'll-move-around-to-oversee-things. He's a chill dude, and that was one of the few times I saw him get upset enough to stop explaining things, and just get up to walk out; the kind of action that often took these days when I realised that the situation was something that I just didn't have to put up with.
The level of power tripping from these front-of-house staff was just appalling.
That said, back-of-house staff was chill and helpful. They got shit done, smoothing things out, and were a joy to interact with.
But back-of-house was not the thing that the audience sees; the entitled attitude of the front-of-house staff was offputting. Maybe it's their way of showing that they were ``classy'', but I wouldn't be surprised if it was this attitude that made the SOTA venues less enticing for rental for events.
Or maybe that was the intention all along.
Anyway, there was naturally more that happened over the past few days, and I could write about them, but it is getting way past stupid o'clock, and if I do not crash out now, my sleep schedule is going to be utterly fucked by the time I need to start heading back into office.
Till the next update then.
Saturday, November 09, 2024
Part Four of Pain: Done
Ah. Yet another pain point/milestone has been completed, and I can breathe a little easier.
Just a little, mind you.
November is reaching the second-third, and different things have started heating up. For instance, I really should be practising some of the more challenging parts for the contrabass flute for the upcoming gig on 2024-11-24, but I'm just feeling all tired and am trying to recover from... I don't know what. Burnout?
🤷♂️
Aaanyway, let's talk politics. No, not US politics, just the philosophy of politics as a whole.
To me, politics is the art and science of making big decisions that affect a disproportionate number of people, given the actual number of people who are directly involved in the making of the said decision. To be apathetic in politics is a declaration that one simply does not care about the decisions that are being made, and there are only a very limited number of sets of people who can get away with that---the really privileged whose personal circumstances make them more or less immune to the consequences of the big decisions that are made, and the misled who are convinced somehow that they belong to the really privileged set of people who are somehow immunte to the consequences of the big decisions that are made, without the necessary personal circumstances that can make that a reality.
The rest of us though, we need to pay attention to the politics.
Since politics is the art and science of making big decisions that affect a disproportionate number of people, it naturally contains big entanglements of different types of questions that need decisions to. There are no easy win-win decisions most of the time, and there are also as many possible decisions to be made for a single problem as there are people.
But this complexity cannot be used as an argument to stall any form of decision making---the longer a decision (any decision) is delayed, the more confounding and unpredictable the consequences.
So as humans, we start taking shortcuts. In the modern version of things, we create sub-sets of people with broad political ideologies that attempt to articulate some general principles from which their decisions (should they be in power) will follow. Think of it as some kind of ``axiomatic schema''. We tend to call them ``political parties''.
Here's the thing about political parties---it is but one way of having like-minded people (with respect to principles in the setting of policy) to band together to give enough heft behind their bid to advance their idea of how the big decisions are to be made. Political parties tend to be more... rational in some sense, because one needs to subscribe to the overarching principles in order to be a willing member of the said party.
But political parties are not the only way to organise like-minded people, least ways not in the modern age. And the reason for this, is the increasing ease for anyone to communicate with anyone else on their ideas, and to create virtual communities.
Now, there is nothing ``fake'' about virtual communities---they are as real as the pain one feels when one stubs their toe. However, there is still a qualitative difference between virtual and physical communities---the former requires a lot of heavy-lifting from logos, while the latter can rely on the tried and proven firmware of pathos that has been refined over the existence of humanity as a species. Thus, I am claiming that the ``increasing ease of communication'' is paradoxically not a good replacement of what we have done for aeons through face-to-face communications in meatspace. This is especially true when one takes into consideration the current political infrastructure---only political parties have the right (and legacy-driven capability) to actually rule after they become the government, and not any virtual-only communities.
This becomes a problem in that the virtual communities: as they increase in generated communication content, they start to think that they are amassing a more clout/followers/disciples, and eventually they will, as Biggie might say in dismay, ``get high on their own supply''. The echo effects make the virtual communities think they are really strong, but without much of the accompanying actions within the physical reality that conforms to the current political infrastructure, the only thing that currently counts in this iteration of the rule of politics.
It's not about left-wing versus right-wing. It's not even about liberal versus conservative. It's not even about immigration. It's literally about not paying attention to the actual rules of the processes involved to get into the position where the actual decision-making can be made, only because of one's hubris.
``MT, are you criticising the US election?''
No, I'm not. I'm criticising all elections that have a very vocal online presence about wanting change, without the physical support ``on the ground'' to back it up. And no, I don't think trying to co-opt an existing political party to advance one's causes that have traditionally not been a part of that party is the right thing to do either. Mostly because of the way humanity's firmware is run---those who are in earliest and the longest will tend to hold much more sway on the direction than might be initially seen.
As we beware the old who exist in a profession where many die young, we should also beware the veteran politician who stays in a political party that has tried to remake itself many times. Johnny-come-lately may have the piss and vinegar for change, but it is the grandees who give the final call on direction, and those types do not always have the patience nor wherewithal to think otherwise than their own counsel.
Till the next update.
Just a little, mind you.
November is reaching the second-third, and different things have started heating up. For instance, I really should be practising some of the more challenging parts for the contrabass flute for the upcoming gig on 2024-11-24, but I'm just feeling all tired and am trying to recover from... I don't know what. Burnout?
🤷♂️
Aaanyway, let's talk politics. No, not US politics, just the philosophy of politics as a whole.
To me, politics is the art and science of making big decisions that affect a disproportionate number of people, given the actual number of people who are directly involved in the making of the said decision. To be apathetic in politics is a declaration that one simply does not care about the decisions that are being made, and there are only a very limited number of sets of people who can get away with that---the really privileged whose personal circumstances make them more or less immune to the consequences of the big decisions that are made, and the misled who are convinced somehow that they belong to the really privileged set of people who are somehow immunte to the consequences of the big decisions that are made, without the necessary personal circumstances that can make that a reality.
The rest of us though, we need to pay attention to the politics.
Since politics is the art and science of making big decisions that affect a disproportionate number of people, it naturally contains big entanglements of different types of questions that need decisions to. There are no easy win-win decisions most of the time, and there are also as many possible decisions to be made for a single problem as there are people.
But this complexity cannot be used as an argument to stall any form of decision making---the longer a decision (any decision) is delayed, the more confounding and unpredictable the consequences.
So as humans, we start taking shortcuts. In the modern version of things, we create sub-sets of people with broad political ideologies that attempt to articulate some general principles from which their decisions (should they be in power) will follow. Think of it as some kind of ``axiomatic schema''. We tend to call them ``political parties''.
Here's the thing about political parties---it is but one way of having like-minded people (with respect to principles in the setting of policy) to band together to give enough heft behind their bid to advance their idea of how the big decisions are to be made. Political parties tend to be more... rational in some sense, because one needs to subscribe to the overarching principles in order to be a willing member of the said party.
But political parties are not the only way to organise like-minded people, least ways not in the modern age. And the reason for this, is the increasing ease for anyone to communicate with anyone else on their ideas, and to create virtual communities.
Now, there is nothing ``fake'' about virtual communities---they are as real as the pain one feels when one stubs their toe. However, there is still a qualitative difference between virtual and physical communities---the former requires a lot of heavy-lifting from logos, while the latter can rely on the tried and proven firmware of pathos that has been refined over the existence of humanity as a species. Thus, I am claiming that the ``increasing ease of communication'' is paradoxically not a good replacement of what we have done for aeons through face-to-face communications in meatspace. This is especially true when one takes into consideration the current political infrastructure---only political parties have the right (and legacy-driven capability) to actually rule after they become the government, and not any virtual-only communities.
This becomes a problem in that the virtual communities: as they increase in generated communication content, they start to think that they are amassing a more clout/followers/disciples, and eventually they will, as Biggie might say in dismay, ``get high on their own supply''. The echo effects make the virtual communities think they are really strong, but without much of the accompanying actions within the physical reality that conforms to the current political infrastructure, the only thing that currently counts in this iteration of the rule of politics.
It's not about left-wing versus right-wing. It's not even about liberal versus conservative. It's not even about immigration. It's literally about not paying attention to the actual rules of the processes involved to get into the position where the actual decision-making can be made, only because of one's hubris.
``MT, are you criticising the US election?''
No, I'm not. I'm criticising all elections that have a very vocal online presence about wanting change, without the physical support ``on the ground'' to back it up. And no, I don't think trying to co-opt an existing political party to advance one's causes that have traditionally not been a part of that party is the right thing to do either. Mostly because of the way humanity's firmware is run---those who are in earliest and the longest will tend to hold much more sway on the direction than might be initially seen.
As we beware the old who exist in a profession where many die young, we should also beware the veteran politician who stays in a political party that has tried to remake itself many times. Johnny-come-lately may have the piss and vinegar for change, but it is the grandees who give the final call on direction, and those types do not always have the patience nor wherewithal to think otherwise than their own counsel.
Till the next update.
Friday, November 01, 2024
No-vem-ber?
It is now November. The astute among yinz would ask me what is this year's NaNoWriMo entry title/topic.
And my answer is simply: I'm not taking part in NaNoWriMo this year.
I mean, check it out: 15 NaNoWriMo entries says something. I'm not burnt out on writing, but rather, a couple of things come to mind as to why I am not participating this year.
Firstly, I just have too many other things to do this time round. I'm playing with the King's Flute Choir again, this time for the flute choir concert at the Autumn Flute Fair 2024. I'm playing on my recently acquired contrabass flute in C called ``The Big Flute'' (yeah yeah... imaginative name). The Big Flute is unlike any other flutes that I have played so far---it is by far, the largest flute with a total length of about 2.73 m shaped like a 4, with an inner diameter that tapers off from 49.62 mm. In short, I needed time to both rehearse the contrabass flute parts, as well as to get used to the different embouchure, breathing, and fingering positions over the large vertically oriented flute.
Secondly, the organisation running NaNoWriMo itself was getting too damn weird and offputting. NaNoWrio's AI policy was controversial, and the next most recent not-so-nothingburger was the aftermath of some serious child grooming scandal. Something of an older vintage was the messed up web design update that happened a few years ago that broke many things, among which was the loss of almost all of one's writing buddies.
It also probably did not help that the municipal liaisons for SIN city have stepped down for their own reasons.
I say that NaNoWriMo was getting too damn weird due to the slow and steady evolution of what was a very clear [but dumb] idea of ``here's thirty days of November, here's a word count goal of fifty thousand words---go!'' into some general writing programme for young writers in the US while still maintaining some kind of international presence, with some rather vocal self-declared leftists turfing out their own fiefdoms of safe-spaces within the forums themselves. I'm all for being inclusive, but I do not necessarily subscribe to the metaphorical carving of feudal lands in what was essentially an open agora in the first place. I resent the hypocrisy of alleged inclusion through the use of identity politics---if you want some safe space for your kind of people, maybe do it elsewhere, and not carve up the public space and practise the hypocrisy of accusing others of being discriminative while practising discrimination on their own.
Thankfully I was never in a position in NaNoWriMo where I had to worry about that---I stick primarily to the regional forum and stay far, far away from the places where the hypocrites lurk---but I cannot help but notice that their sheer vocal loudness was definitely shifting the overall tone of NaNoWriMo itself.
NaNoWriMo was always about reaching the fifty thousand words within the month of November---it was never about what was written. Even the word count tool, when it was still around, did nothing about reading the contents except to count the literal number of words through counting the number of whitespace segments in between the words. So why would anyone care if someone's NaNoWriMo story was some racist diatribe, or if someone wanted a white male as their protagonist with nary a female in sight, or if their writing of the behaviour of the woman in the story was close to some messed up erotica than what a ``real and normal woman'' is?
So yeah, NaNoWriMo was getting weird and offputting.
Will I get back to it next year? Who knows---let me survive my upcoming birthday first, then we talk.
------
In other news, Cookie Clicker. This has been running almost continuously in the background of Eileen-III for the past two or three weeks. Big numbers with big names for big numbers are always fun.
And then, there's Persona 5 Royal that I have been playing after work. It... reminds me too much of the time when I was still studying. Cleared three Palaces, and there are more to go.
I'd keep writing more, but then I realised we're past stupid o'clock. I'm on leave tomorrow (or rather, today), so it's not that big a deal, even though I really want to catch up on sleep.
And thus, adieu.
And my answer is simply: I'm not taking part in NaNoWriMo this year.
I mean, check it out: 15 NaNoWriMo entries says something. I'm not burnt out on writing, but rather, a couple of things come to mind as to why I am not participating this year.
Firstly, I just have too many other things to do this time round. I'm playing with the King's Flute Choir again, this time for the flute choir concert at the Autumn Flute Fair 2024. I'm playing on my recently acquired contrabass flute in C called ``The Big Flute'' (yeah yeah... imaginative name). The Big Flute is unlike any other flutes that I have played so far---it is by far, the largest flute with a total length of about 2.73 m shaped like a 4, with an inner diameter that tapers off from 49.62 mm. In short, I needed time to both rehearse the contrabass flute parts, as well as to get used to the different embouchure, breathing, and fingering positions over the large vertically oriented flute.
Secondly, the organisation running NaNoWriMo itself was getting too damn weird and offputting. NaNoWrio's AI policy was controversial, and the next most recent not-so-nothingburger was the aftermath of some serious child grooming scandal. Something of an older vintage was the messed up web design update that happened a few years ago that broke many things, among which was the loss of almost all of one's writing buddies.
It also probably did not help that the municipal liaisons for SIN city have stepped down for their own reasons.
I say that NaNoWriMo was getting too damn weird due to the slow and steady evolution of what was a very clear [but dumb] idea of ``here's thirty days of November, here's a word count goal of fifty thousand words---go!'' into some general writing programme for young writers in the US while still maintaining some kind of international presence, with some rather vocal self-declared leftists turfing out their own fiefdoms of safe-spaces within the forums themselves. I'm all for being inclusive, but I do not necessarily subscribe to the metaphorical carving of feudal lands in what was essentially an open agora in the first place. I resent the hypocrisy of alleged inclusion through the use of identity politics---if you want some safe space for your kind of people, maybe do it elsewhere, and not carve up the public space and practise the hypocrisy of accusing others of being discriminative while practising discrimination on their own.
Thankfully I was never in a position in NaNoWriMo where I had to worry about that---I stick primarily to the regional forum and stay far, far away from the places where the hypocrites lurk---but I cannot help but notice that their sheer vocal loudness was definitely shifting the overall tone of NaNoWriMo itself.
NaNoWriMo was always about reaching the fifty thousand words within the month of November---it was never about what was written. Even the word count tool, when it was still around, did nothing about reading the contents except to count the literal number of words through counting the number of whitespace segments in between the words. So why would anyone care if someone's NaNoWriMo story was some racist diatribe, or if someone wanted a white male as their protagonist with nary a female in sight, or if their writing of the behaviour of the woman in the story was close to some messed up erotica than what a ``real and normal woman'' is?
So yeah, NaNoWriMo was getting weird and offputting.
Will I get back to it next year? Who knows---let me survive my upcoming birthday first, then we talk.
------
In other news, Cookie Clicker. This has been running almost continuously in the background of Eileen-III for the past two or three weeks. Big numbers with big names for big numbers are always fun.
And then, there's Persona 5 Royal that I have been playing after work. It... reminds me too much of the time when I was still studying. Cleared three Palaces, and there are more to go.
I'd keep writing more, but then I realised we're past stupid o'clock. I'm on leave tomorrow (or rather, today), so it's not that big a deal, even though I really want to catch up on sleep.
And thus, adieu.
Saturday, September 21, 2024
Goodbye hololive's #1 Detective!
Ah...
So I spoke about hololive English -Myth-'s fourth anniversary recently, and said:
Amelia Watson just announced that she was leaving in a ``not forever'' sort of way.
How do I feel?
Well, the usual sense of loss, which really shouldn't be anything new nowadays---God knows how many different times I have lost people. Not the dead, mind you, but the kind of loss where they were a big part of one's [daily] life for quite a while, and then suddenly they are no longer a part of one's life any more.
Like eulogies, praise of Ame's innovation and hard-headedness in hard-carrying HoloEN Myth (especially from the early years) have come out once more from all corners of the fandom. When that announcement was first made, many thought she she was transferring into a more managerial role, but within a few hours, Ame put rest to that and pointed out that she was indeed leaving her full-time streaming duties, and not becoming staff.
If anything, the official hololive Production announcement in Japanese makes it very clear (to the extent that it can be made clear) that Ame will remain as a talent, as compared to the vague-ass render in the English announcement, where the phrase ``an affiliate of hololive production'' raised more questions than answers.
The thing about getting older that no one will tell you, is that mortality and impermanence will forever dog you, intensifying themselves through ever increasing frequencies of appearance as one's experiences increases through the ever larger number of people we meet and interact with. And even though we always soothe ourselves by saying that ``we'll get used to it'', the truth is, we never do.
We just end up increasingly broken or numb at each loss.
If that is considered getting used to it, it is of little wonder why the older generations are almost always more jaded than the young.
But that is also the reason why as we age, we need to know how to temper our sharing of our life experiences to those who are coming after us. Yes, we know the world is heading to ruin, if it already hasn't, but amongst that narrow perspective that each of us has, there are unseeable alternatives that can either lead away from the current path of ruin, or even more optimistically take us towards something that is more wholesome and nurturing.
The young, who are fearless through freshness and a lack of enough setbacks, are the ones who take the charge to see these unseeable alternatives for us.
We, the old, ought to shield the young from the shit-fest that we can see, but we should also give them the room to explore a different path, let them learn through making mistakes, and providing them with a safety net to recover from.
It's not even about the old cliché about how a society is at its best when the old plant trees that they will never get to experience the shade of---it's about helping the young plant some new-fangled genetically modified heat-resistant AI-powered tree-hybrid that they come up with, despite us not knowing everything that goes into that, and knowing that there's a chance for them to fail, without discouraging them to try.
That is a much harder thing to pull off.
But back to Ame. She'll definitely make her mark in ways that will surprise us---I'm sure of it. After all, one of the reasons that she's leaving is to go do things that only she can do alone.
To use yet another cliché whose origins are murky as fuck, the way such things usually go:
Godspeed hololive's #1 detective! o7
So I spoke about hololive English -Myth-'s fourth anniversary recently, and said:
I'll miss this group of amazing ladies the day that they decide to retire from being HoloEN Myth.Well, it happened.
Amelia Watson just announced that she was leaving in a ``not forever'' sort of way.
How do I feel?
Well, the usual sense of loss, which really shouldn't be anything new nowadays---God knows how many different times I have lost people. Not the dead, mind you, but the kind of loss where they were a big part of one's [daily] life for quite a while, and then suddenly they are no longer a part of one's life any more.
Like eulogies, praise of Ame's innovation and hard-headedness in hard-carrying HoloEN Myth (especially from the early years) have come out once more from all corners of the fandom. When that announcement was first made, many thought she she was transferring into a more managerial role, but within a few hours, Ame put rest to that and pointed out that she was indeed leaving her full-time streaming duties, and not becoming staff.
If anything, the official hololive Production announcement in Japanese makes it very clear (to the extent that it can be made clear) that Ame will remain as a talent, as compared to the vague-ass render in the English announcement, where the phrase ``an affiliate of hololive production'' raised more questions than answers.
The thing about getting older that no one will tell you, is that mortality and impermanence will forever dog you, intensifying themselves through ever increasing frequencies of appearance as one's experiences increases through the ever larger number of people we meet and interact with. And even though we always soothe ourselves by saying that ``we'll get used to it'', the truth is, we never do.
We just end up increasingly broken or numb at each loss.
If that is considered getting used to it, it is of little wonder why the older generations are almost always more jaded than the young.
But that is also the reason why as we age, we need to know how to temper our sharing of our life experiences to those who are coming after us. Yes, we know the world is heading to ruin, if it already hasn't, but amongst that narrow perspective that each of us has, there are unseeable alternatives that can either lead away from the current path of ruin, or even more optimistically take us towards something that is more wholesome and nurturing.
The young, who are fearless through freshness and a lack of enough setbacks, are the ones who take the charge to see these unseeable alternatives for us.
We, the old, ought to shield the young from the shit-fest that we can see, but we should also give them the room to explore a different path, let them learn through making mistakes, and providing them with a safety net to recover from.
It's not even about the old cliché about how a society is at its best when the old plant trees that they will never get to experience the shade of---it's about helping the young plant some new-fangled genetically modified heat-resistant AI-powered tree-hybrid that they come up with, despite us not knowing everything that goes into that, and knowing that there's a chance for them to fail, without discouraging them to try.
That is a much harder thing to pull off.
But back to Ame. She'll definitely make her mark in ways that will surprise us---I'm sure of it. After all, one of the reasons that she's leaving is to go do things that only she can do alone.
To use yet another cliché whose origins are murky as fuck, the way such things usually go:
If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.Amelia Watson is an explorer by nature, and after going far with what she has for now, there are new avenues to explore that she want to do, to fail/succeed fast so to speak.
Godspeed hololive's #1 detective! o7
Monday, September 16, 2024
QCUE Pairing Issues Resolved?
That was... harrowing.
tl;dr: If QCUE isn't willing to pair via Bluetooth, even after factory resetting, then the only way out is to drain the batteries of the two earbuds completely, shove them one by one into the case to check for connectivity, before trying to pair again through the ``normal process'' of holding the back button with the case open till the blue-light blinks.
Context: I bought me some Bose QuietComfort Ultra Earbuds (QCUE) a few months back on a whim to replace the now-broken third pair of the Bose QuietComfort 20 noise cancelling in-ear headphones (QC20). The key difference was that the new QCUE were wireless, as compared to the QC20.
The reason why I said ``on a whim'' was because I already lug around a QuietComfort 35 Wireless Headphones II (QC35II) to replace the QC20, which is wireless and does its job well. Except for the fact that in SIN city, the high humidity and high temperature meant that wearing these over-the-ears headphones for long periods of time was... uncomfortable at best. I still use these for all the various teleconferencing meetings due to the excellent sound isolation (we used to call 'em ``Skyping'' back in the day), but very rarely use them for casual music listening on the go.
And thus, the QCUE is a thing now.
I recently switched phones to the Xiaomi 14 from my Xiaomi 12. Had I a choice, I wouldn't even bother, but since the replacement of the non-working screen of my Xiaomi 12 back in late 2024-06 (was it only less than 3 months ago?!), I knew that the days of my Xiaomi 12 was numbered. Thanks to the myriad of 2FA and other ``app-fication'', the stupid ``smartphone'' has become a piece of critical equipment. As for my Xiaomi 12, the rear-backing was starting to show signs of the glue [from the repair] failing, and I did not want to repeat the same scramble for a fix, this time from potentially greater failure.
And so I went to get that replacement.
``MT, you're long-winded--get to the point!''
I'm getting there. I migrated the information and apps from Xiaomi 12 to Xiaomi 14 (bye bye Geocache Calculator and Barcode Scanner, no thanks to Android 14 and beyond auto-blocking apps targeting old-enough versions of Android).
And then I tried to reconnect my QCUE. Which was what prompted the first statement.
I tried everything---clearing all the Bluetooth lists, resetting the QCUE, resetting the phone's network connections, factory resetting the QCUE, re-do all the steps a few more times.
It didn't work.
That is, until I saw this innocuous comment:
And when I finally found that both earbuds are completely drained of power (can tell because the welcome ``vrroomsh'' sound was missing when the earbud was applied to the ear), I pencilled the three contact points per earbud, and put each earbud one at a time into the case, to ensure that it was in good contact before putting in the next.
Then I applied the pairing process with my Xiaomi 14.
Whaddaya know. The pairing was successful!
I did the same for Eileen-III, same.
Now, I still need to verify that the QCUE can actually receive the sound signals, but I cannot do that just yet due to the earbuds being completely drained of power.
But having the pairing working is already a great win.
As a side note, there was also an unknown
And apart from the nugget that saved me, here's the rest of the thread which has other useful information. For how long Reddit will be around for such things to be in existence, is something that only time will tell.
Till the next update.
tl;dr: If QCUE isn't willing to pair via Bluetooth, even after factory resetting, then the only way out is to drain the batteries of the two earbuds completely, shove them one by one into the case to check for connectivity, before trying to pair again through the ``normal process'' of holding the back button with the case open till the blue-light blinks.
Context: I bought me some Bose QuietComfort Ultra Earbuds (QCUE) a few months back on a whim to replace the now-broken third pair of the Bose QuietComfort 20 noise cancelling in-ear headphones (QC20). The key difference was that the new QCUE were wireless, as compared to the QC20.
The reason why I said ``on a whim'' was because I already lug around a QuietComfort 35 Wireless Headphones II (QC35II) to replace the QC20, which is wireless and does its job well. Except for the fact that in SIN city, the high humidity and high temperature meant that wearing these over-the-ears headphones for long periods of time was... uncomfortable at best. I still use these for all the various teleconferencing meetings due to the excellent sound isolation (we used to call 'em ``Skyping'' back in the day), but very rarely use them for casual music listening on the go.
And thus, the QCUE is a thing now.
I recently switched phones to the Xiaomi 14 from my Xiaomi 12. Had I a choice, I wouldn't even bother, but since the replacement of the non-working screen of my Xiaomi 12 back in late 2024-06 (was it only less than 3 months ago?!), I knew that the days of my Xiaomi 12 was numbered. Thanks to the myriad of 2FA and other ``app-fication'', the stupid ``smartphone'' has become a piece of critical equipment. As for my Xiaomi 12, the rear-backing was starting to show signs of the glue [from the repair] failing, and I did not want to repeat the same scramble for a fix, this time from potentially greater failure.
And so I went to get that replacement.
``MT, you're long-winded--get to the point!''
I'm getting there. I migrated the information and apps from Xiaomi 12 to Xiaomi 14 (bye bye Geocache Calculator and Barcode Scanner, no thanks to Android 14 and beyond auto-blocking apps targeting old-enough versions of Android).
And then I tried to reconnect my QCUE. Which was what prompted the first statement.
I tried everything---clearing all the Bluetooth lists, resetting the QCUE, resetting the phone's network connections, factory resetting the QCUE, re-do all the steps a few more times.
It didn't work.
That is, until I saw this innocuous comment:
I got the same issue and got to fix it by draining the whole battery of the earbuds, waiting about half an hour more and then charging them againWell, that's the one thing I hadn't tried, and so I left out my QCUE for a day and change. It took much longer due to not having any existing connection to tap into to drain the power faster.
---Tyras25
And when I finally found that both earbuds are completely drained of power (can tell because the welcome ``vrroomsh'' sound was missing when the earbud was applied to the ear), I pencilled the three contact points per earbud, and put each earbud one at a time into the case, to ensure that it was in good contact before putting in the next.
Then I applied the pairing process with my Xiaomi 14.
Whaddaya know. The pairing was successful!
I did the same for Eileen-III, same.
Now, I still need to verify that the QCUE can actually receive the sound signals, but I cannot do that just yet due to the earbuds being completely drained of power.
But having the pairing working is already a great win.
As a side note, there was also an unknown
BT 600 device ID that was emitted by my QCUE---I wonder if this is significant in any way about why the pairing was jank.And apart from the nugget that saved me, here's the rest of the thread which has other useful information. For how long Reddit will be around for such things to be in existence, is something that only time will tell.
Till the next update.
Sunday, September 15, 2024
HoloEN Myth: 4th Anniversary
HoloEN Myth. 4th Anniversary. Don't wait---check it out:
These ladies, though they operate behind an anime façade, helped me through some rough times.
I don't know if I had told the story of how I learnt about VTubers. It was this Trash Taste video; I cannot remember when I first saw it, but that was when I found out about VTubers. Reddit loved dumping hololive on the popular thread ever so often, so I had on-and-off heard of them, but not exactly the HoloEN Myth crew.
My usual content creators were having their own troubles, and so their content creation was on the down, my own relationship was shit, the global pandemic became a thing, and I was on a sabbatical (or a self-social isolation, to be precise) for a year.
HoloEN Myth was an escape from the nonsense that was there. Of course, there was also Pavolia Reine of holoro eventually with her Zero Escape playthroughs, and a slightly more relatable SEA culture references (in English), but the point that I wanted to make was that in the midst of hell on earth, a fairly wholesome entertainment started up, and became part of my media consumption habit ever since.
Three more generations have come since then (CouncilRyS/Promise, Advent, and then Justice), but Myth has been the OG. They were the least put together, the rawest, the pioneers, the most heartfelt, the ones who trail-blazed when few knew what they could be, just so that the later generations can soar from the get-go. Ina's comfy art streams, Ame's brute-force attempts at bringing some form of normalcy for the Myth ladies to match up what their JP senpais in hololive had, Gura for general entertainment, Kiara for being the heart, and Calli for music (that I didn't really got into, but it grew on me---check out End of A life, also the cover by Inamesame in the 4th Annivesary show), and of course the special magic that happens when the five got together each time for their anniversaries or for Halloween.
I can never watch their major collaborations without bawling---I was there when they were going through it all. Each group song they sang, each anniversary they went through... I was there.
We were there.
We all shared in their frustrations as the global pandemic fucked normalcy up, we all shared their triumph when things finally came to a head, and they could finally be what they were meant to be.
I'll miss this group of amazing ladies the day that they decide to retire from being HoloEN Myth.
But in the mean time, I will still watch them, and enjoy the time we have with them.
From a wiki on Hololive talents:
🐙🔎🔱💀🐔
These ladies, though they operate behind an anime façade, helped me through some rough times.
I don't know if I had told the story of how I learnt about VTubers. It was this Trash Taste video; I cannot remember when I first saw it, but that was when I found out about VTubers. Reddit loved dumping hololive on the popular thread ever so often, so I had on-and-off heard of them, but not exactly the HoloEN Myth crew.
My usual content creators were having their own troubles, and so their content creation was on the down, my own relationship was shit, the global pandemic became a thing, and I was on a sabbatical (or a self-social isolation, to be precise) for a year.
HoloEN Myth was an escape from the nonsense that was there. Of course, there was also Pavolia Reine of holoro eventually with her Zero Escape playthroughs, and a slightly more relatable SEA culture references (in English), but the point that I wanted to make was that in the midst of hell on earth, a fairly wholesome entertainment started up, and became part of my media consumption habit ever since.
Three more generations have come since then (CouncilRyS/Promise, Advent, and then Justice), but Myth has been the OG. They were the least put together, the rawest, the pioneers, the most heartfelt, the ones who trail-blazed when few knew what they could be, just so that the later generations can soar from the get-go. Ina's comfy art streams, Ame's brute-force attempts at bringing some form of normalcy for the Myth ladies to match up what their JP senpais in hololive had, Gura for general entertainment, Kiara for being the heart, and Calli for music (that I didn't really got into, but it grew on me---check out End of A life, also the cover by Inamesame in the 4th Annivesary show), and of course the special magic that happens when the five got together each time for their anniversaries or for Halloween.
I can never watch their major collaborations without bawling---I was there when they were going through it all. Each group song they sang, each anniversary they went through... I was there.
We were there.
We all shared in their frustrations as the global pandemic fucked normalcy up, we all shared their triumph when things finally came to a head, and they could finally be what they were meant to be.
I'll miss this group of amazing ladies the day that they decide to retire from being HoloEN Myth.
But in the mean time, I will still watch them, and enjoy the time we have with them.
From a wiki on Hololive talents:
The core concept of this hololive English group is VTubers who hail from worlds of legend.Legends indeed.
🐙🔎🔱💀🐔
Friday, September 13, 2024
Part Three of Pain: Done
Friday. I'm on leave, thanks to past-me for planning out various random long weekends to cover for the fact that 2024-09 has no public holidays in it. We cleared yet another demo/briefing yesterday, bruised, but succeeded on the whole. Next up is the shindig tomorrow morning that I have to go as a ``show face'' event despite being on leave, but it's more of a passive appearance than needing me to do anything.
Meanwhile, I have been spending time re-arranging Can't Help Falling In Love (Wedding Version) into a collaboration piece for flute and cello. It has been... interesting to do so, and I feel a little scammed because the flute part is obviously doing much of the heavy lifting in comparison with the cello (flute is largely playing an adjusted version of the treble clef, while the cello is playing an adjusted version of the bass clef). But such is the nature of the instruments---the higher one goes on the grand staff, the tighter the vertical grouping of the notes that are played, and the shorter they are to provide that sweet sweet melody.
It's a nice piece, but it does sound more Canon in D than Presley's Can't Help Falling In Love. Should be interesting though---I've done arrangements before (heh, mostly of my own compositions), but they were targeted at the full Chinese Orchestra, never for something a little more... sparse like a flute and cello. Once this is done, I might try to arrange another piece, but this time for the Chinese Orchestra itself---that itch is coming again.
Which means no shapez 2 this time. Actually, I've not touched a computer game for about a week now, spending much of my time doing reading, general thinking, and of course, the rearrangement.
In other news, my current phone, after fixing the cracked up screen just... uhhh... last month(?), is seeing the backing peeling off due to the glue seemingly giving way. I suspect it's because this phone has been undergoing some strong heating/cooling cycles when I activate the wireless hotspot feature---for some reason, that always makes the phone warm up more than usual. So it's back to phone shopping I go, possibly today. I am considering if I also want to update the potato that I use to run the ``official'' work number, but that will largely depend on how much I am intending to spend on my own phone to begin with.
``MT, why do you need a new phone? You can just hold the backing in place with rubber bands, right? Or at least, get it re-glued by the same people who glued it together in the first place!''
If there were nothing critical on it, I might have gone on that path. But sadly, there are so many 2FA nonsense that needs a working phone that I cannot run the risk of yet another catastrophic failure. That whole screen replacement was always a stop-gap---the end game had always been a total replacement at some point, and I suppose that today is just the right time for this to happen.
I think that's about it for now. The run of pain isn't over though...
Till the next update.
Meanwhile, I have been spending time re-arranging Can't Help Falling In Love (Wedding Version) into a collaboration piece for flute and cello. It has been... interesting to do so, and I feel a little scammed because the flute part is obviously doing much of the heavy lifting in comparison with the cello (flute is largely playing an adjusted version of the treble clef, while the cello is playing an adjusted version of the bass clef). But such is the nature of the instruments---the higher one goes on the grand staff, the tighter the vertical grouping of the notes that are played, and the shorter they are to provide that sweet sweet melody.
It's a nice piece, but it does sound more Canon in D than Presley's Can't Help Falling In Love. Should be interesting though---I've done arrangements before (heh, mostly of my own compositions), but they were targeted at the full Chinese Orchestra, never for something a little more... sparse like a flute and cello. Once this is done, I might try to arrange another piece, but this time for the Chinese Orchestra itself---that itch is coming again.
Which means no shapez 2 this time. Actually, I've not touched a computer game for about a week now, spending much of my time doing reading, general thinking, and of course, the rearrangement.
In other news, my current phone, after fixing the cracked up screen just... uhhh... last month(?), is seeing the backing peeling off due to the glue seemingly giving way. I suspect it's because this phone has been undergoing some strong heating/cooling cycles when I activate the wireless hotspot feature---for some reason, that always makes the phone warm up more than usual. So it's back to phone shopping I go, possibly today. I am considering if I also want to update the potato that I use to run the ``official'' work number, but that will largely depend on how much I am intending to spend on my own phone to begin with.
``MT, why do you need a new phone? You can just hold the backing in place with rubber bands, right? Or at least, get it re-glued by the same people who glued it together in the first place!''
If there were nothing critical on it, I might have gone on that path. But sadly, there are so many 2FA nonsense that needs a working phone that I cannot run the risk of yet another catastrophic failure. That whole screen replacement was always a stop-gap---the end game had always been a total replacement at some point, and I suppose that today is just the right time for this to happen.
I think that's about it for now. The run of pain isn't over though...
Till the next update.
Sunday, September 08, 2024
Midnight Stupid O'Clock?
It's stupid o'clock (sort of)---time to get all maudlin with a drink in hand.
I was doing fairly well for quite a while, all things considered. Yes, there were moments where I just wonder why the hell I'm still alive (and yes, even now), while intrusive thoughts appear fleetingly through my mind, before disappearing back into the abyss from whence they came.
Then of course all the things started to pile up as a matter of the normal course of operation---projects and what-not always start having their major checkpoints/milestones crammed together the closer we get towards the end of the current funding tranche.
I think I'm stressed out from that. There're also other things that I don't want to talk about specifically, but those things did not do me any favours either, in terms of piling it on.
I coped through playing games that took my mind away. shapez, shapez 2, No Man's Sky, The Talos Principle 2, and everything in between.
I tried to read more. And played more music, this time with a different group even, though the actual mechanics were more serendipitous than anything else. I tried to catch up on my sleep, and tried to get back on schedule on my weight loss programme (that 70 kg at the end of the year is starting to look dicey as hell now).
I went on long-ass cycling trips during the hottest time of the day to shock my body into exhaustion so that I didn't have to think so much.
Last evening, I even grabbed a friend to just hang out after work with some booze and food to chill out and vent a little.
Did all of that help?
In a way, yes. It did keep my mind together. I didn't make too many bad decisions on the whole, which I think is the singularly most important thing when it comes to crunch time.
But you know and I know that all these things that I do... are just temporary distractions at best.
``MT, but what about God?''
I would say that it is thanks to God that I can even hold it together enough to engage these temporary distractions.
In theory, I can just walk away from all the things that are stressing me out. But I cannot, and will not---I have literal lives under my charge, and when I am in charge of something (the team, in this case), I am determined to be the last damn person to leave, not the first.
Call it the curse of the duty-bound, but I think I'm severely sidetracked.
All the happenings aside, I'm not depressed. In reality, I'm just vexed over something else that started to bug me in no small way---my heart started aching for another soul to share my life with.
It crept up on me without my realising. I think it started back when I unhesitatingly replied that I was alive in response to a ``how're you doin?'' question. It was June, this year.
In between then and now, much [shit] has happened, and here we are today, feeling vexed.
I simply do not know if I am ready to pursue anyone, or if settling down with someone was something that I was to go for.
What was that life going to be? Will I still get to go on the path that I had started on ever since that fateful day I got dumped for the last time? Am I really over whatever happened from then, and am ready for the future?
Or is there even a future in the first place?
Annoyed. Irritated.
I think that in some way, it is actually hard for me to go on pursuing anyone. Mostly because I don't usually default into that mode to begin with---my hormones don't really rage hard and drive the horny in a way that makes me actively head out to look for that special someone. In many senses, attraction to me is a very confusing concept, even being a ``veteran'' of several [failed] relationships.
I don't see a conventionally pretty woman and go ``yowzers, she's hot---I simply have to speak with her!''. Hell, I don't even eye any woman whom I meet with the judgement of whether she's ``wife material'' or not---they are fellow humans first and foremost, and I treat them the way that I would treat anyone else, with courtesy and friendliness, without ulterior motives.
Perhaps this is why wherever I end up, most people trust me enough to help them, even at their most vulnerable.
For me to be attracted to someone, she's got to have that... thing about her that I have not managed to reduce into words. All the women whom I ended up in relationships with... they all had the same thing. It was a certain kind of personality, a certain way with which they go about doing things.
They did not stand out, not immediately. They are smart, but they don't usually make it a habit of showing it---speaking with them reveals that intelligence behind the façade that they put up for whatever reason. They are smart, but they aren't in the habit of being condescending with it. They have that wry sense of humour that ``whooshes'' past most people, and they don't usually draw such attention to themselves. They are never really conventionally sexy, but once I got to know them better (and when we became an item), they are incredibly sexy.
But I suppose there's also that other... thing that ensures that these women whom I had relationships with ended up all being exes at this stage---selfishness. It's not quite the same as being self-centred, but it's close enough.
Then again, can I really fault them?
Only a fool claims to be self-less, and even I have since learnt to not be a self-less fool in this world where the foolish are pointed out, made fun and taken advantage of.
I suppose part of the reason why my heart started aching for another soul to share my life with is that I missed the times where I had a safe space with a trusted person to share my thoughts with, to just hold on to physically to remind myself that life ain't all bad, and to have someone else to actually care about, to be a good reason to push on through despite how shitty life can get at times.
Friends can cover much of these, but as we age, even friends have their own lives and families to look out for, not me.
``But MT, you can always talk with ChatGPT! And if you're looking for someone to hold, embed ChatGPT into a gynoid!''
Firstly, eww. Secondly, eww. Thirdly, it's not the same... I have many things I can hold (Twinkletoes being one of them, now joined by a Takodachi in the office), but no matter how soft or cute they are, they aren't the same as another person whom one is spending one's life together with.
Anyway, I think I've lost the plot like ten paragraphs ago. I've vented enough for now, and it's time to turn in for the night---I need to play at the music ministry at PPCC tomorrow.
Till the next update then.
I was doing fairly well for quite a while, all things considered. Yes, there were moments where I just wonder why the hell I'm still alive (and yes, even now), while intrusive thoughts appear fleetingly through my mind, before disappearing back into the abyss from whence they came.
Then of course all the things started to pile up as a matter of the normal course of operation---projects and what-not always start having their major checkpoints/milestones crammed together the closer we get towards the end of the current funding tranche.
I think I'm stressed out from that. There're also other things that I don't want to talk about specifically, but those things did not do me any favours either, in terms of piling it on.
I coped through playing games that took my mind away. shapez, shapez 2, No Man's Sky, The Talos Principle 2, and everything in between.
I tried to read more. And played more music, this time with a different group even, though the actual mechanics were more serendipitous than anything else. I tried to catch up on my sleep, and tried to get back on schedule on my weight loss programme (that 70 kg at the end of the year is starting to look dicey as hell now).
I went on long-ass cycling trips during the hottest time of the day to shock my body into exhaustion so that I didn't have to think so much.
Last evening, I even grabbed a friend to just hang out after work with some booze and food to chill out and vent a little.
Did all of that help?
In a way, yes. It did keep my mind together. I didn't make too many bad decisions on the whole, which I think is the singularly most important thing when it comes to crunch time.
But you know and I know that all these things that I do... are just temporary distractions at best.
``MT, but what about God?''
I would say that it is thanks to God that I can even hold it together enough to engage these temporary distractions.
In theory, I can just walk away from all the things that are stressing me out. But I cannot, and will not---I have literal lives under my charge, and when I am in charge of something (the team, in this case), I am determined to be the last damn person to leave, not the first.
Call it the curse of the duty-bound, but I think I'm severely sidetracked.
All the happenings aside, I'm not depressed. In reality, I'm just vexed over something else that started to bug me in no small way---my heart started aching for another soul to share my life with.
It crept up on me without my realising. I think it started back when I unhesitatingly replied that I was alive in response to a ``how're you doin?'' question. It was June, this year.
In between then and now, much [shit] has happened, and here we are today, feeling vexed.
I simply do not know if I am ready to pursue anyone, or if settling down with someone was something that I was to go for.
What was that life going to be? Will I still get to go on the path that I had started on ever since that fateful day I got dumped for the last time? Am I really over whatever happened from then, and am ready for the future?
Or is there even a future in the first place?
Annoyed. Irritated.
I think that in some way, it is actually hard for me to go on pursuing anyone. Mostly because I don't usually default into that mode to begin with---my hormones don't really rage hard and drive the horny in a way that makes me actively head out to look for that special someone. In many senses, attraction to me is a very confusing concept, even being a ``veteran'' of several [failed] relationships.
I don't see a conventionally pretty woman and go ``yowzers, she's hot---I simply have to speak with her!''. Hell, I don't even eye any woman whom I meet with the judgement of whether she's ``wife material'' or not---they are fellow humans first and foremost, and I treat them the way that I would treat anyone else, with courtesy and friendliness, without ulterior motives.
Perhaps this is why wherever I end up, most people trust me enough to help them, even at their most vulnerable.
For me to be attracted to someone, she's got to have that... thing about her that I have not managed to reduce into words. All the women whom I ended up in relationships with... they all had the same thing. It was a certain kind of personality, a certain way with which they go about doing things.
They did not stand out, not immediately. They are smart, but they don't usually make it a habit of showing it---speaking with them reveals that intelligence behind the façade that they put up for whatever reason. They are smart, but they aren't in the habit of being condescending with it. They have that wry sense of humour that ``whooshes'' past most people, and they don't usually draw such attention to themselves. They are never really conventionally sexy, but once I got to know them better (and when we became an item), they are incredibly sexy.
But I suppose there's also that other... thing that ensures that these women whom I had relationships with ended up all being exes at this stage---selfishness. It's not quite the same as being self-centred, but it's close enough.
Then again, can I really fault them?
Only a fool claims to be self-less, and even I have since learnt to not be a self-less fool in this world where the foolish are pointed out, made fun and taken advantage of.
I suppose part of the reason why my heart started aching for another soul to share my life with is that I missed the times where I had a safe space with a trusted person to share my thoughts with, to just hold on to physically to remind myself that life ain't all bad, and to have someone else to actually care about, to be a good reason to push on through despite how shitty life can get at times.
Friends can cover much of these, but as we age, even friends have their own lives and families to look out for, not me.
``But MT, you can always talk with ChatGPT! And if you're looking for someone to hold, embed ChatGPT into a gynoid!''
Firstly, eww. Secondly, eww. Thirdly, it's not the same... I have many things I can hold (Twinkletoes being one of them, now joined by a Takodachi in the office), but no matter how soft or cute they are, they aren't the same as another person whom one is spending one's life together with.
Anyway, I think I've lost the plot like ten paragraphs ago. I've vented enough for now, and it's time to turn in for the night---I need to play at the music ministry at PPCC tomorrow.
Till the next update then.
Monday, September 02, 2024
Part Two of Pain: Done
Ah... Monday. And tomorrow I have to be on course for two days to officially learn the ropes of proper goal setting and appraisal for my people (it's basically SMART).
But for today, or whatever is left of today, I get to chill due to being on leave.
Yesterday saw the successful staging of the concert with King's Flute Choir at Esplanade Recital Studio. That is actually the first time that I was playing at the Esplanade complex, and while I have explored much of the publicly accessible areas on my various ``annual pilgrimages'' to the place, I was simply not prepared for the warren of mazes that comprise the back stage.
Entry is naturally controlled---a performer's pass needed to be obtained from the security office (main from the B1 parking area, or the satellite one opposite from Marina Square). Once inside, it was just corridors upon corridors of rooms, equipment, and signage pointing to places. The first floor was largely towards the main concert hall, and since I entered through the main back stage door, I had to filter my way back towards Lift CH 3, where the Recital Studio can be reached on the second floor.
It was a real doozy in the beginning, but I soon got the hang of it.
The performers' rooms were spartan and utilitarian---dressing tables with mirrors that had strong lights that could be used to assist in make up, attached combination toilet/shower room, and even self-serviced combination lock lockers for any other things that one might want locked away. I spent much of the time outside of sound check and the actual performance in one of the rooms, just chilling, or working on some of the more difficult parts on Davie, sharing the room with fellow contrabass flautist, the double bassist, the harpist, and a few other low flute folks.
That is, until we started getting exiles from the other performers' room, mostly to escape the piccolos that were doing much of the same last-minute practices that I was doing. It's understandable, and in between their own practices and my general pre-performance ``any more work I am going to put in is going to do fuck-all'' attitude, I shot the breeze with some of my fellow performers.
The concert went through as well as it could, despite my own bumbling here and there (I'd like to think I cover it well enough that I was tolerated due to being one of only a few low flute players). GY and a few folks from TGCO were there to watch, and they all had a good time, with GY particularly impressed at the quality of the musicians (as it should be---the core players are actual professionals). I caught up with the TGCO folks after the concert for drinks at Harry's, while GY had to run off, while suggesting that we catch up again some time later.
Davie did well---I think that I definitely need to level up more as the player. I've had low flutes on hand for 8 years, ever since I first got hold of Mio, but I don't think that I had really put in a serious effort to develop my low flute techniques more strongly, mostly because I never had the need to play it ``big'' (like in a flute choir) before. Much of the time, it was mostly playing melody lines an octave lower, or that one time I was covering for the cello, which explains my rudimentary control over Davie and Mio.
But the key thing to note is that for bass (and later on, contrabass) flutes in the flute choir setting, that pesky low-C is used way more often than might be expected. And this is something that I haven't really been working on, which prompted my earlier comment of needing to put in serious effort to develop my low flute techniques more strongly. The use of the low-C was so often that I had to abandon the use of the Oval-8 splints on my right pinky, just to avoid the problem of numbness that I got the first time I was drilling through Ruslan and Ludmilla and William Tell. The Oval-8 splint did its job of holding back the hyperextension of the proximal interphalangeal joint of my right pinky, but due to the sheer amount of force I was pushing through holding the low-C due to poor technique (and a bit of imperfect maintenance of Davie due to no COA done since purchase), the splint was crushing my nerve in my finger, causing the finger tip to be tingly for days after.
So, no Oval-8 splints. But the irony of course is that with more strength in the pinky (through drilling on the difficult parts in the pieces), the less the hyperextension becomes a problem because of the increased tension forces of the muscle that pulls the finger closed.
I'll probably send Davie in for COA at Windworks when they have an open slot.
------
So that was yesterday. What about today?
Well, I paid good money for 120 min of getting beaten up in a controlled manner to remove the pain that has been plaguing me for the whole month (I went for a 2-hour massage).
My left shoulder was shot (my posterior deltoid was messed up), and my lumbar triangle was giving me random-ass pains (probable erector spinae strain, with possible strain in one of the deeper gluteus muscles). The masseuse beat theshit knots out of my muscles, with greater focus on the shoulders, but with good enough focus on the back muscles and lumbar triangle that after the session, I only had the ``good'' sore with no remnants of the original pain.
And anyone who claims that they can go through a massage sleeping... is probably lying or have told the masseuse to go easy on them.
For me, massages have always been an uncompromising assault on the knots in my muscles through skilled application of force and pressure. That kind of force application does not cause damage to me in any way, but it does trigger a sensory overload that is either ``sour'' or ``pain'', where the ``pain'' here isn't the kind you get from banging a body part on a hard object, but the kind of resistant pain a bundle of highly tensioned relaxed muscles pushes against the force that is meant to forcefully relax them. I am actively awake and completely aware of what is going on, controlling my breathing to go with whatever the masseuse is currently working on, to ensure that the misfiring sensation of ``sour'' and ``pain'' from my nerves do not weaken my resolve in allowing the tensed relaxed muscles to be treated.
And then I had a nap or two in between, with some diet-defying choice of food to reward myself for no good reason.
In the meanwhile though, I am totally not addicted to shapez 2. Definitely not. Here's a screenshot of the ``Operator Level'', a sort of long-term measurement of the staged cumulative production of various milestone shapes.
See? Totally not addicted. I absolutely did not set up my factories, and then kept the game running in the background to amass the numbers needed. I also did not rework some of the larger space-platform machines I designed to improve the production efficiency to ensure that I could fully stack up the space belts to deliver the full 180×12/min rate of shapes.
------
With all that, part two of pain is also done.
Part three is coming up soon, and hopefully I also have good news for that when the time comes.
Meanwhile, that's all I have for now. Till the next update.
But for today, or whatever is left of today, I get to chill due to being on leave.
Yesterday saw the successful staging of the concert with King's Flute Choir at Esplanade Recital Studio. That is actually the first time that I was playing at the Esplanade complex, and while I have explored much of the publicly accessible areas on my various ``annual pilgrimages'' to the place, I was simply not prepared for the warren of mazes that comprise the back stage.
Entry is naturally controlled---a performer's pass needed to be obtained from the security office (main from the B1 parking area, or the satellite one opposite from Marina Square). Once inside, it was just corridors upon corridors of rooms, equipment, and signage pointing to places. The first floor was largely towards the main concert hall, and since I entered through the main back stage door, I had to filter my way back towards Lift CH 3, where the Recital Studio can be reached on the second floor.
It was a real doozy in the beginning, but I soon got the hang of it.
The performers' rooms were spartan and utilitarian---dressing tables with mirrors that had strong lights that could be used to assist in make up, attached combination toilet/shower room, and even self-serviced combination lock lockers for any other things that one might want locked away. I spent much of the time outside of sound check and the actual performance in one of the rooms, just chilling, or working on some of the more difficult parts on Davie, sharing the room with fellow contrabass flautist, the double bassist, the harpist, and a few other low flute folks.
That is, until we started getting exiles from the other performers' room, mostly to escape the piccolos that were doing much of the same last-minute practices that I was doing. It's understandable, and in between their own practices and my general pre-performance ``any more work I am going to put in is going to do fuck-all'' attitude, I shot the breeze with some of my fellow performers.
The concert went through as well as it could, despite my own bumbling here and there (I'd like to think I cover it well enough that I was tolerated due to being one of only a few low flute players). GY and a few folks from TGCO were there to watch, and they all had a good time, with GY particularly impressed at the quality of the musicians (as it should be---the core players are actual professionals). I caught up with the TGCO folks after the concert for drinks at Harry's, while GY had to run off, while suggesting that we catch up again some time later.
Davie did well---I think that I definitely need to level up more as the player. I've had low flutes on hand for 8 years, ever since I first got hold of Mio, but I don't think that I had really put in a serious effort to develop my low flute techniques more strongly, mostly because I never had the need to play it ``big'' (like in a flute choir) before. Much of the time, it was mostly playing melody lines an octave lower, or that one time I was covering for the cello, which explains my rudimentary control over Davie and Mio.
But the key thing to note is that for bass (and later on, contrabass) flutes in the flute choir setting, that pesky low-C is used way more often than might be expected. And this is something that I haven't really been working on, which prompted my earlier comment of needing to put in serious effort to develop my low flute techniques more strongly. The use of the low-C was so often that I had to abandon the use of the Oval-8 splints on my right pinky, just to avoid the problem of numbness that I got the first time I was drilling through Ruslan and Ludmilla and William Tell. The Oval-8 splint did its job of holding back the hyperextension of the proximal interphalangeal joint of my right pinky, but due to the sheer amount of force I was pushing through holding the low-C due to poor technique (and a bit of imperfect maintenance of Davie due to no COA done since purchase), the splint was crushing my nerve in my finger, causing the finger tip to be tingly for days after.
So, no Oval-8 splints. But the irony of course is that with more strength in the pinky (through drilling on the difficult parts in the pieces), the less the hyperextension becomes a problem because of the increased tension forces of the muscle that pulls the finger closed.
I'll probably send Davie in for COA at Windworks when they have an open slot.
------
So that was yesterday. What about today?
Well, I paid good money for 120 min of getting beaten up in a controlled manner to remove the pain that has been plaguing me for the whole month (I went for a 2-hour massage).
My left shoulder was shot (my posterior deltoid was messed up), and my lumbar triangle was giving me random-ass pains (probable erector spinae strain, with possible strain in one of the deeper gluteus muscles). The masseuse beat the
And anyone who claims that they can go through a massage sleeping... is probably lying or have told the masseuse to go easy on them.
For me, massages have always been an uncompromising assault on the knots in my muscles through skilled application of force and pressure. That kind of force application does not cause damage to me in any way, but it does trigger a sensory overload that is either ``sour'' or ``pain'', where the ``pain'' here isn't the kind you get from banging a body part on a hard object, but the kind of resistant pain a bundle of highly tensioned relaxed muscles pushes against the force that is meant to forcefully relax them. I am actively awake and completely aware of what is going on, controlling my breathing to go with whatever the masseuse is currently working on, to ensure that the misfiring sensation of ``sour'' and ``pain'' from my nerves do not weaken my resolve in allowing the tensed relaxed muscles to be treated.
And then I had a nap or two in between, with some diet-defying choice of food to reward myself for no good reason.
In the meanwhile though, I am totally not addicted to shapez 2. Definitely not. Here's a screenshot of the ``Operator Level'', a sort of long-term measurement of the staged cumulative production of various milestone shapes.
------
With all that, part two of pain is also done.
Part three is coming up soon, and hopefully I also have good news for that when the time comes.
Meanwhile, that's all I have for now. Till the next update.
Sunday, August 25, 2024
Part One of Pain: Done
And that's part one of pain mostly done---there's still one more thing that technically happens right smack in the first of the next month, but the build up to it is close enough proximity to this month that it might as well be a part of it; hence the ``mostly done'' qualifier.
The thing about technology demonstrations, is that everyone expects things to run smooth. That is normally the case, especially when one controls all the inputs to the said technology demonstration.
But what happens if a critical component is dependent on a reluctant contributor whose technical chops are not completely under one's control?
Well, there are two ways to play it.
The onus is still on me though---I take full responsibility for not instituting the first of the two options which led to the technology demonstration failures. Thankfully, that issue could be worked around with some tight timing of restarting the components and getting the crowd worked up to interact with the demo, so I didn't actually die completely (still lost some reputation, but at this point in my life, considering that I have no intention in climbing the corporate ladder, I don't give too much a shit).
All in all, the technology demonstration was a qualified success---the overall vibes was positive despite the initial failure.
Being a manager is hard---everything that one does and decides are exercises of balances. On the one hand, one wants to ensure absolute control in order to bring the variances down to improve quality, and on the other hand, there is a need to let people make mistakes to learn from to better build up their capabilities, be it team members [whom I'm more willing to ``tank damage'' for] or even third party contributors. The need to balance between these two is mostly the reason that I am driven crazy more than half the time.
The temptation to take everything into one's hands is always strong, but it is important to realise that by doing so, it defeats the purpose of building a team in the first place. The reason we put a team together, is to leverage on the extra brains & hands to achieve greater parallelism, thus allowing the total effort in work-days to be fitted into a much shorter effective calendar-day count. Pulling everything back to oneself does nothing to allow projects to be delivered faster, and in the worst case, can cause bigger issues in general due to the increased cognitive load required to deal with the nitty-gritty [that the team members should be able to handle] while still maintaining a view of the big picture [that only the manager/leader can do].
I think that is the biggest lesson to learn when transiting from being an individual contributor into a manager/leader.
------
shapez 2 has been my new diversion from the vagaries of pain. It all started with this video from one of my favourite YouTubers:
Now, Josh's a mad man who captures the same kind of energy as Zisteau (he's more a Twitch streamer these days than a YouTube video maker, while having his Twitch streams archived here). I love games like Factorio, but what I like about them aren't the survival aspects(!), but on the factory aspect. And shapez 2 scratches that itch.
Of course, the first thing I did was to look for the original shapez. I could have bought the Steam version as part of the pack, or I could buy from GoG.com which was at 90% discount. And so I was pushing through last week while spending some time here and there on shapez after hours to chill out, even as I was drilling the music that was for the upcoming performance with the King's Flute Choir on 2024-09-01 on Davie.
Now that I'm mostly done with the major upgrades in shapez, it was time to start on shapez 2, and start on it I did.
It is definitely as fun as Josh made it in his video---having come from shapez, there are quite a few quality of life improvements that I enjoyed. The 3D-render of the game space took a little getting used to (shapez was laid out on a 2D-grid similar to Factorio), but that was not a problem. The key difference between shapez and shapez 2 lies in a few new ``meta'' levels of building. All things in shapez are single units of machinery, be it extractor, or belt, or stacker. shapez 2 has all the stuff in shapez, but has space platforms, which are like their own self-contained modules that are made up of the shapez elements, as well as layers, which brings extra expressivity even at the shapez component level through effectively doubling and then tripling the original 2D grid space.
Oh, and it's really colourful and cool.
Pillars of Eternity is currently seeing my party in the city, which is a slow part of the game; I do go back to it every now and then. I've since completed The Great Ace Attorney: Adventures some time back, and am likely to start on its sequel, The Great Ace Attorney 2: Resolve soon.
And I suppose that's about it for now. Till the next update.
The thing about technology demonstrations, is that everyone expects things to run smooth. That is normally the case, especially when one controls all the inputs to the said technology demonstration.
But what happens if a critical component is dependent on a reluctant contributor whose technical chops are not completely under one's control?
Well, there are two ways to play it.
- Be strict and demand code reviews before we even bother with integration; or
- Be lenient and just integrate what is provided.
The onus is still on me though---I take full responsibility for not instituting the first of the two options which led to the technology demonstration failures. Thankfully, that issue could be worked around with some tight timing of restarting the components and getting the crowd worked up to interact with the demo, so I didn't actually die completely (still lost some reputation, but at this point in my life, considering that I have no intention in climbing the corporate ladder, I don't give too much a shit).
All in all, the technology demonstration was a qualified success---the overall vibes was positive despite the initial failure.
Being a manager is hard---everything that one does and decides are exercises of balances. On the one hand, one wants to ensure absolute control in order to bring the variances down to improve quality, and on the other hand, there is a need to let people make mistakes to learn from to better build up their capabilities, be it team members [whom I'm more willing to ``tank damage'' for] or even third party contributors. The need to balance between these two is mostly the reason that I am driven crazy more than half the time.
The temptation to take everything into one's hands is always strong, but it is important to realise that by doing so, it defeats the purpose of building a team in the first place. The reason we put a team together, is to leverage on the extra brains & hands to achieve greater parallelism, thus allowing the total effort in work-days to be fitted into a much shorter effective calendar-day count. Pulling everything back to oneself does nothing to allow projects to be delivered faster, and in the worst case, can cause bigger issues in general due to the increased cognitive load required to deal with the nitty-gritty [that the team members should be able to handle] while still maintaining a view of the big picture [that only the manager/leader can do].
I think that is the biggest lesson to learn when transiting from being an individual contributor into a manager/leader.
------
shapez 2 has been my new diversion from the vagaries of pain. It all started with this video from one of my favourite YouTubers:
Now, Josh's a mad man who captures the same kind of energy as Zisteau (he's more a Twitch streamer these days than a YouTube video maker, while having his Twitch streams archived here). I love games like Factorio, but what I like about them aren't the survival aspects(!), but on the factory aspect. And shapez 2 scratches that itch.
Of course, the first thing I did was to look for the original shapez. I could have bought the Steam version as part of the pack, or I could buy from GoG.com which was at 90% discount. And so I was pushing through last week while spending some time here and there on shapez after hours to chill out, even as I was drilling the music that was for the upcoming performance with the King's Flute Choir on 2024-09-01 on Davie.
Now that I'm mostly done with the major upgrades in shapez, it was time to start on shapez 2, and start on it I did.
It is definitely as fun as Josh made it in his video---having come from shapez, there are quite a few quality of life improvements that I enjoyed. The 3D-render of the game space took a little getting used to (shapez was laid out on a 2D-grid similar to Factorio), but that was not a problem. The key difference between shapez and shapez 2 lies in a few new ``meta'' levels of building. All things in shapez are single units of machinery, be it extractor, or belt, or stacker. shapez 2 has all the stuff in shapez, but has space platforms, which are like their own self-contained modules that are made up of the shapez elements, as well as layers, which brings extra expressivity even at the shapez component level through effectively doubling and then tripling the original 2D grid space.
Oh, and it's really colourful and cool.
Pillars of Eternity is currently seeing my party in the city, which is a slow part of the game; I do go back to it every now and then. I've since completed The Great Ace Attorney: Adventures some time back, and am likely to start on its sequel, The Great Ace Attorney 2: Resolve soon.
And I suppose that's about it for now. Till the next update.
Sunday, August 11, 2024
On ``Open Relationships''
Each time I read about an ``open relationship'', I just shake my head first in utter confusion, and then in disgust.
I simply cannot understand it.
It's worse when the proposer is the man in the heterosexual relationship. I mean, what was he thinking? That he was some kind of reproductive stud that could get lots of sex when he opens up his relationship?
That somehow the woman in that relationship is chopped liver?
Need I be Captain Obvious and point out that it is supremely easy for women to find sexual partners than men---in fact, they don't really need to look that far, for most men are horny to begin with, and a vagina is a vagina, especially if the owner of said vagina provides consent.
There's a good reason why prostitution is known as ``the oldest profession'', and most of the purveyors are women, while the consumers are largely men.
Even the ``fugly ones'' can get sexual partners relatively easily compared to the average man through the magic of make-up, a good enough dress sense, and just displaying the slightest interest in the man they might want to sleep with.
If a man in the heterosexual relationship chooses to open up the said relationship, the only outcome is just regret.
While I first cannot understand it, I also have a certain amount of disgust about such ``open relationships''.
I am a jealous lover. I do not like to share my partner with anyone, especially our most intimate moments, be it emotional or sexual. While I am jealous, I'm not possessive---she is still her, but ``us'' is us---we stand together as one unit against the world, together.
No sharing of that with anyone, emotionally or sexually. And that includes the hypothetical her (at this time) sharing with her girl-friends our most intimate moments.
In some sense, the idea of a ``work spouse'' also disgusts me at some level. We can have close working colleagues, but calling them (especially if they are of the opposite sex) a ``work spouse'' is a type of emotional cheating that I just do not want to be involved in.
I work well with them, I am not married to them at work. I do not have a codependency issue with said person to be considered as though we have some kind of ``platonic intimacy''.
Whoever came up with that term needs to be taken to task. Whoever decided to propagate that term, ought to be shot.
``MT, why are you so conservative? Get on with the times man... sexual freedom! Emotional freedom!''
Sorry, I never claimed to be a liberal---if anything, I'm at best a progressive. I believe that everyone has their freedom of choice, with the usual caveat of accepting all consequences of their choices.
Spousal relationships (and any relationships that lead to that) are special---it's the type of relationship where one literally is at one's most vulnerable with another, with the deepest of trust being placed in the other person's hand, inreciprocation reciprocity, just so that the spousal couple thus formed is stronger than each individual, hopefully making living the rest of this banal existence a little more meaningful, lively, and stimulating. Any one who cannot fulfil this role just isn't worth it, no matter how sexy that person is, or how good a listener that person is---if they do not build up, but instead tear down, or manipulate, then that person is not worth it, ever. And naturally, reciprocation reciprocity is key---to have someone like that as a spouse implies that you need to exemplify the same qualities as well---the relationship is then ``equally yoked''.
With all that I said, bear in mind that while I make a judgement in what I say, I do not believe that it is my place to enforce my values on others---they live how they want, and deal with the consequences, be they good or bad. It is, however, my place to enforce my own rules on myself, and the relationships that I may get involved in, with the word ``may'' doing a whole lot of heavy-lifting.
Because as at now, I remain unconvinced that I am going to start a new relationship, let alone get married.
I'd write more, but it's getting depressing. Time for some Suntory Whisky---I've not had a drink in a while, and the upcoming week is prime time for drinking [my pain away], if my bank account allows for it.
Till the next update.
P.S.: There's this someone from Singapore who is zealously loading the mobile version of the main page of this blog. Hi there, I see you, though I have no fucking clue who you are. Did you know that you can use the Atom feed available from the desktop version to have an RSS feed-based notification of when a new post comes up?
I simply cannot understand it.
It's worse when the proposer is the man in the heterosexual relationship. I mean, what was he thinking? That he was some kind of reproductive stud that could get lots of sex when he opens up his relationship?
That somehow the woman in that relationship is chopped liver?
Need I be Captain Obvious and point out that it is supremely easy for women to find sexual partners than men---in fact, they don't really need to look that far, for most men are horny to begin with, and a vagina is a vagina, especially if the owner of said vagina provides consent.
There's a good reason why prostitution is known as ``the oldest profession'', and most of the purveyors are women, while the consumers are largely men.
Even the ``fugly ones'' can get sexual partners relatively easily compared to the average man through the magic of make-up, a good enough dress sense, and just displaying the slightest interest in the man they might want to sleep with.
If a man in the heterosexual relationship chooses to open up the said relationship, the only outcome is just regret.
While I first cannot understand it, I also have a certain amount of disgust about such ``open relationships''.
I am a jealous lover. I do not like to share my partner with anyone, especially our most intimate moments, be it emotional or sexual. While I am jealous, I'm not possessive---she is still her, but ``us'' is us---we stand together as one unit against the world, together.
No sharing of that with anyone, emotionally or sexually. And that includes the hypothetical her (at this time) sharing with her girl-friends our most intimate moments.
In some sense, the idea of a ``work spouse'' also disgusts me at some level. We can have close working colleagues, but calling them (especially if they are of the opposite sex) a ``work spouse'' is a type of emotional cheating that I just do not want to be involved in.
I work well with them, I am not married to them at work. I do not have a codependency issue with said person to be considered as though we have some kind of ``platonic intimacy''.
Whoever came up with that term needs to be taken to task. Whoever decided to propagate that term, ought to be shot.
``MT, why are you so conservative? Get on with the times man... sexual freedom! Emotional freedom!''
Sorry, I never claimed to be a liberal---if anything, I'm at best a progressive. I believe that everyone has their freedom of choice, with the usual caveat of accepting all consequences of their choices.
Spousal relationships (and any relationships that lead to that) are special---it's the type of relationship where one literally is at one's most vulnerable with another, with the deepest of trust being placed in the other person's hand, in
With all that I said, bear in mind that while I make a judgement in what I say, I do not believe that it is my place to enforce my values on others---they live how they want, and deal with the consequences, be they good or bad. It is, however, my place to enforce my own rules on myself, and the relationships that I may get involved in, with the word ``may'' doing a whole lot of heavy-lifting.
Because as at now, I remain unconvinced that I am going to start a new relationship, let alone get married.
I'd write more, but it's getting depressing. Time for some Suntory Whisky---I've not had a drink in a while, and the upcoming week is prime time for drinking [my pain away], if my bank account allows for it.
Till the next update.
P.S.: There's this someone from Singapore who is zealously loading the mobile version of the main page of this blog. Hi there, I see you, though I have no fucking clue who you are. Did you know that you can use the Atom feed available from the desktop version to have an RSS feed-based notification of when a new post comes up?
Friday, August 09, 2024
National Day Grab-bag
Okay, it's a public holiday today celebrating SIN city's independence. That's excellent.
Naturally, most denizens in SIN city that are able, have found ways to head out of country to enjoy the ``free'' long weekend. As for me, I have an even longer weekend due to the extra days of leave that I took for yesterday, and the upcoming Monday.
``But MT, aren't you in the middle of a high-key period? Why the sudden long leave?''
The leave... was planned before any of these things went bananas. And it was roughly when I first learnt that Cat Quest III is released on 2024-08-08. Naturally I had to take leave to play it!
So far, Cat Quest III hasn't been disappointing. True, it is no Elden Ring, but notice that I've given up on Elden Ring, whereas I am still having fun with Cat Quest III.
The primary purpose of a game is to be fun, so as to encourage the key reason for its existence---play. Any game that doesn't encourage play isn't really a game anymore, and should be called something else altogether. And what constitutes as fun is highly subjective, which is absolutely fine---everyone's life circumstances are different. Some things that one finds fun (like playing a musical instrument or programming a computer) might be a job/chore for another (think professional musician/music teacher, and software engineer), but that's diversity and freedom of choice right there.
Speaking of games, I finally completed the last two achievements of Faerie Solitaire, which involved:
Talk about addictive.
And while we are talking about old games, Jupiter Hell Classic was recently announced to be available on Steam soon. It's really DoomRL v0.9.9.8 in disguise, reskinned heavily to avoid the ZeniMedia Doom IP. I stopped caring about ChaosForge after realising the KK was now beholden to his shareholders instead of the fans, and have not looked into the ChaosForge Forum ever since that day back in 2022.
And no, I haven't really gone back there. And I don't think I will head back there. I never wish KK ill, and sincerely hope that he will continue to succeed. It's just that I will no longer play an active part in his endeavours.
Will I get Jupiter Hell Classic when it is released? Maybe... for old time's sake. It'd be nice to see Nyarlaptoptep's Boots once more, as well as the Mother-In-Law, two items that I have had a hand in naming in one way or another.
And while we are on the old stuff, WordStar 7 has seen a release by science-fiction author Robert J. Sawyer, as noted in his blog entry. WordStar is among the OG of word processing---they came at a time just between the typewriter, and the advent of WYSIWYG word processing, roughly when people were looking for more out of their text processing beyond full-screen text editors.
I sadly never had the need to work with WordStar, but I do enjoy me a good text-mode word processor as a concept. I'm part of that ``weird'' group of people who prefer writing in as distraction free a manner as possible, which was why something as arcane as TeX or the much better successor LaTeX appeals more strongly to me than good ol' MSWord (or these days on Eileen-III, LibreOffice Writer). My writing tool of preference these days is either good old vim, or Q10 on Windows.
There's just something about the 80-character wide monospace font form factor that makes the writing feel more fluid than trying to bang something out in a GUI with proportional fonts, and twiddling with formatting every which way, even though almost all word processors actually have semantic styling defined from the get-go.
But back to WordStar. The modern user may be put off by the need to run this old DOS program in one of several DOS emulators (Sawyer's 680MB package has all these sorted out, while I already have a DOSBox-X set up on Eileen-III), but I think they will be really put off by the entire keyboard interface. The semantics are quite foreign to the modern user as the interface was designed for a time where the keyboard standards weren't standard yet.
The ``WordStar Diamond`` is easy enough to get used to---it's like WASD, except it is ESXD, with control held. It is slightly less arcane than vi's hjkl movement, and thus more tolerable.
The problematic part is text selection (``marking blocks'' in WordStar lingo) is persistent. This means that the text can be marked [in a block], and other things can happen, while the marked block remains marked. So, if one wants to replace the selected text, it is important to execute a block-cut or block-delete before typing in the new text, otherwise the outcome is... not as expected.
I've had my fill of this back in the old days of working with the IDE of Turbo Pascal and Turbo C/C++ from Borland International. They followed the WordStar semantics, and it was usually a pain to turn that option off, mostly because of my scenarios of using them at programming competitions where the hardware and environment are provided for by the organiser.
It's not hard to get used to it, but it does get old pretty quickly.
Old software aside, Beyond Compare 5 has been out for about a month now. I love this file comparison tool---it's multiplatform, it's fast, it can compare stuff over the network, and the price is always reasonable for the functionality it has. The big thing for me to upgrade (for free in my case since I bought Beyond Compare 4 within the window for it) is the ability to have word-wrap enabled when doing text comparison. Oh, it can also handle table comparisons better than before---no more single-sheet preparation like before.
There's also the last bit of switching back to Mozilla Firefox from Google Chrome for my ``serious'' web applications (i.e. logged in stuff that companies would love to use tracking on) due to the shitstorm that is Manifest V3 and how it nerfs ad-blocking. The modern web is not usable without ad-blocking---everyone seems to want to load as many advertisements as they can on their puny web sites. On its own, it's not a problem per se, if these advertisements are tastefully done. But that has not been the case for the better part of a decade now. Apart from the technical problems of increasing the attack surface area, these advertisements (full-blown multimedia extravanganza too, for some of them!) consume precious network bandwidth, making that gigabit Internet connection trudge along slower than the bad old days of dial-up.
Do I recommend switching? Sure... it's pretty painless. But it's still up to individual choice whether to do so.
And anyway, I think that's about it for now. Back to Cat Quest III for me.
Till the next update.
Naturally, most denizens in SIN city that are able, have found ways to head out of country to enjoy the ``free'' long weekend. As for me, I have an even longer weekend due to the extra days of leave that I took for yesterday, and the upcoming Monday.
``But MT, aren't you in the middle of a high-key period? Why the sudden long leave?''
The leave... was planned before any of these things went bananas. And it was roughly when I first learnt that Cat Quest III is released on 2024-08-08. Naturally I had to take leave to play it!
So far, Cat Quest III hasn't been disappointing. True, it is no Elden Ring, but notice that I've given up on Elden Ring, whereas I am still having fun with Cat Quest III.
The primary purpose of a game is to be fun, so as to encourage the key reason for its existence---play. Any game that doesn't encourage play isn't really a game anymore, and should be called something else altogether. And what constitutes as fun is highly subjective, which is absolutely fine---everyone's life circumstances are different. Some things that one finds fun (like playing a musical instrument or programming a computer) might be a job/chore for another (think professional musician/music teacher, and software engineer), but that's diversity and freedom of choice right there.
Speaking of games, I finally completed the last two achievements of Faerie Solitaire, which involved:
- Raising all 32 pets to adult forms; and
- Completing all Challenges.
Talk about addictive.
And while we are talking about old games, Jupiter Hell Classic was recently announced to be available on Steam soon. It's really DoomRL v0.9.9.8 in disguise, reskinned heavily to avoid the ZeniMedia Doom IP. I stopped caring about ChaosForge after realising the KK was now beholden to his shareholders instead of the fans, and have not looked into the ChaosForge Forum ever since that day back in 2022.
And no, I haven't really gone back there. And I don't think I will head back there. I never wish KK ill, and sincerely hope that he will continue to succeed. It's just that I will no longer play an active part in his endeavours.
Will I get Jupiter Hell Classic when it is released? Maybe... for old time's sake. It'd be nice to see Nyarlaptoptep's Boots once more, as well as the Mother-In-Law, two items that I have had a hand in naming in one way or another.
And while we are on the old stuff, WordStar 7 has seen a release by science-fiction author Robert J. Sawyer, as noted in his blog entry. WordStar is among the OG of word processing---they came at a time just between the typewriter, and the advent of WYSIWYG word processing, roughly when people were looking for more out of their text processing beyond full-screen text editors.
I sadly never had the need to work with WordStar, but I do enjoy me a good text-mode word processor as a concept. I'm part of that ``weird'' group of people who prefer writing in as distraction free a manner as possible, which was why something as arcane as TeX or the much better successor LaTeX appeals more strongly to me than good ol' MSWord (or these days on Eileen-III, LibreOffice Writer). My writing tool of preference these days is either good old vim, or Q10 on Windows.
There's just something about the 80-character wide monospace font form factor that makes the writing feel more fluid than trying to bang something out in a GUI with proportional fonts, and twiddling with formatting every which way, even though almost all word processors actually have semantic styling defined from the get-go.
But back to WordStar. The modern user may be put off by the need to run this old DOS program in one of several DOS emulators (Sawyer's 680MB package has all these sorted out, while I already have a DOSBox-X set up on Eileen-III), but I think they will be really put off by the entire keyboard interface. The semantics are quite foreign to the modern user as the interface was designed for a time where the keyboard standards weren't standard yet.
The ``WordStar Diamond`` is easy enough to get used to---it's like WASD, except it is ESXD, with control held. It is slightly less arcane than vi's hjkl movement, and thus more tolerable.
The problematic part is text selection (``marking blocks'' in WordStar lingo) is persistent. This means that the text can be marked [in a block], and other things can happen, while the marked block remains marked. So, if one wants to replace the selected text, it is important to execute a block-cut or block-delete before typing in the new text, otherwise the outcome is... not as expected.
I've had my fill of this back in the old days of working with the IDE of Turbo Pascal and Turbo C/C++ from Borland International. They followed the WordStar semantics, and it was usually a pain to turn that option off, mostly because of my scenarios of using them at programming competitions where the hardware and environment are provided for by the organiser.
It's not hard to get used to it, but it does get old pretty quickly.
Old software aside, Beyond Compare 5 has been out for about a month now. I love this file comparison tool---it's multiplatform, it's fast, it can compare stuff over the network, and the price is always reasonable for the functionality it has. The big thing for me to upgrade (for free in my case since I bought Beyond Compare 4 within the window for it) is the ability to have word-wrap enabled when doing text comparison. Oh, it can also handle table comparisons better than before---no more single-sheet preparation like before.
There's also the last bit of switching back to Mozilla Firefox from Google Chrome for my ``serious'' web applications (i.e. logged in stuff that companies would love to use tracking on) due to the shitstorm that is Manifest V3 and how it nerfs ad-blocking. The modern web is not usable without ad-blocking---everyone seems to want to load as many advertisements as they can on their puny web sites. On its own, it's not a problem per se, if these advertisements are tastefully done. But that has not been the case for the better part of a decade now. Apart from the technical problems of increasing the attack surface area, these advertisements (full-blown multimedia extravanganza too, for some of them!) consume precious network bandwidth, making that gigabit Internet connection trudge along slower than the bad old days of dial-up.
Do I recommend switching? Sure... it's pretty painless. But it's still up to individual choice whether to do so.
And anyway, I think that's about it for now. Back to Cat Quest III for me.
Till the next update.
Thursday, August 01, 2024
Bus Ride Thought
It's stupid o'clock now.
As I was riding the bus to the office this morning, this thought came to mind:
Look, in a few months, I'm forty. That's not young.
I'm never going to start a family with children, for sure.
But maybe, just maybe, I'd be with someone who is willing to be an equal partner with me, to be there so that we can support each other as we grow old.
And then I was thinking about how sometimes we all ``need'' to talk to someone as a way of sharing our thoughts, to have some kind of sanity checking, and you know, get validation.
And if that person is the closest person in one's life (i.e. partner/spouse), then it is probably one of those types of gestures that is considered ``romantic''.
But if that person is not some closest person, but it just happens to be whoever is within striking distance (think acquaintances), then it's pretty depressing. It is an indication of just how starved of human contact and empathy one is that they are trying to establish some kind of rapport, any kind of rapport, just to feel like a human.
It is a rather sad kind of existence.
I wonder if I'll just end up like that...
As I was riding the bus to the office this morning, this thought came to mind:
The seeking of validation of oneself through another person is simultaneously the most romantic and the most depressing thing.It came to mind as I was just daydreaming a little, wondering whether I am ever ready to even consider accepting another person into my life as a partner, or forever forfeit that opportunity through the rapidly closing window of whatever is left of my ``dating years''.
Look, in a few months, I'm forty. That's not young.
I'm never going to start a family with children, for sure.
But maybe, just maybe, I'd be with someone who is willing to be an equal partner with me, to be there so that we can support each other as we grow old.
And then I was thinking about how sometimes we all ``need'' to talk to someone as a way of sharing our thoughts, to have some kind of sanity checking, and you know, get validation.
And if that person is the closest person in one's life (i.e. partner/spouse), then it is probably one of those types of gestures that is considered ``romantic''.
But if that person is not some closest person, but it just happens to be whoever is within striking distance (think acquaintances), then it's pretty depressing. It is an indication of just how starved of human contact and empathy one is that they are trying to establish some kind of rapport, any kind of rapport, just to feel like a human.
It is a rather sad kind of existence.
I wonder if I'll just end up like that...
Monday, July 22, 2024
``Mental Wellness'' Came and Went
The ``mental wellness'' long weekend came, and went, and for a glorious 12 hours, I felt mentally well.
Then everything of course spiralled back to the usual tired comment of being tired as I watch myself having to return to the office to deal with... whatever it is I have to deal with.
But by now, you must be tired reading about how tired I am, so I'm not going to belabour the point.
------
Friday was a replay of a similar 48-mi cycling route that I took on 2024-06-14. Still Road --> East Coast Park --> Tanah Merah Coast Road --> Changi Beach Park, and then a backtrack. I somehow managed to be a bit faster (06:18 min/mi vs 06:23 min/mi) despite the weather being way hotter (the rain came much later, and only in a short burst).
I claim that it was due to the introduction of a homemade quasi-isotonic drink that I was using this time around. 1 tsp of table salt, 1 flat tsp of citric acid, and 2 tbsp of sugar, mixed in 1 dm3 of tap water, and I quaffed the equivalent of 4 L throughout the entire ride, compared to just about 4 L of water previously.
I was significantly less delirious towards the two-thirds mark of the ride, and there was no cramping in my muscles, though I was damn sure that one of the stabiliser muscles on my lower left lateral part of my leg was hurting due to overcompensation, but that began fairly early into the ride.
I think I will just continue with this concept for the next long ride. I doubt it will be over the National Day weekend in August, mostly because that's when Cat Quest III is in full release, and I would like to play it.
I mean, who wouldn't? It's a nice game, staring cartoon cats, and is made by a Singapore game studio.
------
Speaking of games, I got my first freighter in No Man's Sky. At around 88.5 h of play time (wait, it has been nearly 90 hours?!), I'm fast approaching the point where the grind will prove to be annoying. Since I only play solo, it was time to bring out the ``play it my way to make it fun'' mode, and I suspect that I would have exhausted all my patience to play this in a few sessions, from which I might just drop it and go back to my regular programming (as in, gaming programme, not computer programming).
No Man's Sky has been fun. But the Anomaly and the base-building side quest roughly run into each other with their overlap of quest rewards. Not sure what to expect though.
I may get back to The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles once I'm ``sick'' of No Man's Sky, just to complete that series. Or maybe start on Disco Elysium, or maybe even the long-ignored Pillars of Eternity (before all the Divinity: Origin Sin and Baldur's Gate 3 hype).
My problem with these games is that they are narrative focused, which funny enough, is something that I have a slight aversion to as I watch my favourite VTubers at 2.5× speed in the background as I game.
First world problems, huh?
I think that's about it for today. Nothing really much to say, except for random belly-aching about heading back into the fray.
Till the next update.
Then everything of course spiralled back to the usual tired comment of being tired as I watch myself having to return to the office to deal with... whatever it is I have to deal with.
But by now, you must be tired reading about how tired I am, so I'm not going to belabour the point.
------
Friday was a replay of a similar 48-mi cycling route that I took on 2024-06-14. Still Road --> East Coast Park --> Tanah Merah Coast Road --> Changi Beach Park, and then a backtrack. I somehow managed to be a bit faster (06:18 min/mi vs 06:23 min/mi) despite the weather being way hotter (the rain came much later, and only in a short burst).
I claim that it was due to the introduction of a homemade quasi-isotonic drink that I was using this time around. 1 tsp of table salt, 1 flat tsp of citric acid, and 2 tbsp of sugar, mixed in 1 dm3 of tap water, and I quaffed the equivalent of 4 L throughout the entire ride, compared to just about 4 L of water previously.
I was significantly less delirious towards the two-thirds mark of the ride, and there was no cramping in my muscles, though I was damn sure that one of the stabiliser muscles on my lower left lateral part of my leg was hurting due to overcompensation, but that began fairly early into the ride.
I think I will just continue with this concept for the next long ride. I doubt it will be over the National Day weekend in August, mostly because that's when Cat Quest III is in full release, and I would like to play it.
I mean, who wouldn't? It's a nice game, staring cartoon cats, and is made by a Singapore game studio.
------
Speaking of games, I got my first freighter in No Man's Sky. At around 88.5 h of play time (wait, it has been nearly 90 hours?!), I'm fast approaching the point where the grind will prove to be annoying. Since I only play solo, it was time to bring out the ``play it my way to make it fun'' mode, and I suspect that I would have exhausted all my patience to play this in a few sessions, from which I might just drop it and go back to my regular programming (as in, gaming programme, not computer programming).
No Man's Sky has been fun. But the Anomaly and the base-building side quest roughly run into each other with their overlap of quest rewards. Not sure what to expect though.
I may get back to The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles once I'm ``sick'' of No Man's Sky, just to complete that series. Or maybe start on Disco Elysium, or maybe even the long-ignored Pillars of Eternity (before all the Divinity: Origin Sin and Baldur's Gate 3 hype).
My problem with these games is that they are narrative focused, which funny enough, is something that I have a slight aversion to as I watch my favourite VTubers at 2.5× speed in the background as I game.
First world problems, huh?
I think that's about it for today. Nothing really much to say, except for random belly-aching about heading back into the fray.
Till the next update.
Saturday, July 13, 2024
Pathological Liar
Ah... that was rough.
``Hey MT, we're sick of you complaining in a cryptic way that `that was rough'. Move on damnit!''
Sure voice-in-my-head.
So I was doing some thinking on and off the past couple of weeks. The question on my mind was, how does one deal with a pathologic liar?
Take the latest ah... US presidential election fiasco. Two geriatric men slugging it out. One's gaffe-prone but is generally a tad more gentlemanly, and the other is a pathologically lying cad.
Frankly, neither are good choices, but due to the way the US's politics is structured, it is now the race of ``the lesser of two evils''.
That's not my problem though---I cannot vote in the US by virtue of the fact that I'm not a US citizen.
The part that nerdsniped me is the observation that despite the pathological lying, somehow that person is still ``in the race''.
How?
The usual way to get someone to drop out of a political race is to demonstrate that the said person has some major [character] flaw that impinges on their ability to serve in said political office, and that often involves either fact-checking, or mud-slinging.
Fact-checking has been applied consistently at the pathological liar, and yet he bounces back from each one, stronger than before. And this includes both the regular ``inconsequential'' fact-checking to the stuff that the court of law rules---somehow that has done nothing to knock that person off his feet.
How?
Mud-slinging has been attempted, amateurishly in many ways since the other major political party that isn't supporting the pathologically lying person hasn't decided to stoop that low to play gutter politics just yet. Insinuations on character, on actual illegal and immoral behaviour have done nothing to dampen the zealous support of that person, even among those whose religious teachings were supposed to tell them that those illegal and immoral behaviours were wrong.
How?
Just how does one defeat a pathological liar? The orthodox ways that I just described don't seem to work. Maybe it is time to bring in the playground tactics, like out-louding the pathological liar, or resort to the age-old solution to all problems in life---extreme violence.
But either technique seems rather... inelegant. Perhaps there really isn't any other way that can achieve the outcome through elegance---elegance on its own suggests a certain level of self-awareness, and the willingness to cooperate, neither of which the pathological liar has.
So maybe the more primeval approach is the best. But are people willing to stoop that low?
Edit: Unfortunately, yes. There are some who are willing to stoop that low. That news article first came on 2024-07-14T06:48+08, and as at the time of this edit, was updated at 2024-07-14T14:45+08.
``Hey MT, we're sick of you complaining in a cryptic way that `that was rough'. Move on damnit!''
Sure voice-in-my-head.
So I was doing some thinking on and off the past couple of weeks. The question on my mind was, how does one deal with a pathologic liar?
Take the latest ah... US presidential election fiasco. Two geriatric men slugging it out. One's gaffe-prone but is generally a tad more gentlemanly, and the other is a pathologically lying cad.
Frankly, neither are good choices, but due to the way the US's politics is structured, it is now the race of ``the lesser of two evils''.
That's not my problem though---I cannot vote in the US by virtue of the fact that I'm not a US citizen.
The part that nerdsniped me is the observation that despite the pathological lying, somehow that person is still ``in the race''.
How?
The usual way to get someone to drop out of a political race is to demonstrate that the said person has some major [character] flaw that impinges on their ability to serve in said political office, and that often involves either fact-checking, or mud-slinging.
Fact-checking has been applied consistently at the pathological liar, and yet he bounces back from each one, stronger than before. And this includes both the regular ``inconsequential'' fact-checking to the stuff that the court of law rules---somehow that has done nothing to knock that person off his feet.
How?
Mud-slinging has been attempted, amateurishly in many ways since the other major political party that isn't supporting the pathologically lying person hasn't decided to stoop that low to play gutter politics just yet. Insinuations on character, on actual illegal and immoral behaviour have done nothing to dampen the zealous support of that person, even among those whose religious teachings were supposed to tell them that those illegal and immoral behaviours were wrong.
How?
Just how does one defeat a pathological liar? The orthodox ways that I just described don't seem to work. Maybe it is time to bring in the playground tactics, like out-louding the pathological liar, or resort to the age-old solution to all problems in life---extreme violence.
But either technique seems rather... inelegant. Perhaps there really isn't any other way that can achieve the outcome through elegance---elegance on its own suggests a certain level of self-awareness, and the willingness to cooperate, neither of which the pathological liar has.
So maybe the more primeval approach is the best. But are people willing to stoop that low?
Edit: Unfortunately, yes. There are some who are willing to stoop that low. That news article first came on 2024-07-14T06:48+08, and as at the time of this edit, was updated at 2024-07-14T14:45+08.
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