A bat of the eye, and suddenly it is Tuesday all over again. My sore calf muscles have mostly recovered from the 5.2km run that I took on a whim last Saturday night, and I have largely snuggled up against the new 1980s mando-pop CD set that I have bought off eBay Singapore.
I'm not sure about other people, but I find that when I live my life out, there are time periods that have a certain ``theme'' associated with them. For instance, some times there is the ``I'm a martial arts hero'' theme and I find my Aikido training producing really good results, with much better knowledge retention of the techniques and concepts. Some days, I find myself gravitating more to the ``I'm a musician'' theme, and then I keep playing the multitude of musical instruments that I have lying around. Yet there are other days that I feel like a philosopher and start thinking/writing about the things that I observe around me, mostly about how society is on the route of collapse, and how many of the perceived social norms are really lousy habits in disguise.
So what about these themes? They govern to a certain a degree the type of music that I listen to, which can span from ballads to progressive rock/death metal, to purely instrumental pieces featuring instruments from the West, East and more complicated lineages (like the Theremin). Well that's just one direction of the equivalence operator, since the choice of music itself can affect the ``theme'' that I am in that day.
Okay, I'm not sure if I'm making sense there, so I'll just stop. One itching eyeball is enough to drive me insane, and I think some sleep will probably help deal with it.
Maybe when I'm a little up to it, I will rant about some of the things that I have been thinking about for a while.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Yet Another Song Rediscovered
OMG. I've been looking for this song for a long time: never could remember the name.
Time to really look into the 80s/90s music again.
牵引——邓妙华The lyrics are short, but they are quite salient to how things can be in and out of a relationship. Lyrics courtesy www.inkui.com.
如果我们俩从来不曾相恋
泪水不会占据我的眼
如果你的心还有一点牵挂
不会将我孤独的留下
我不愿回顾 因为在记忆深处
思念常刺痛我心灵
人生旅程 充满艰辛和坎坷
我需要你的双手牵引
Time to really look into the 80s/90s music again.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Finite Simple Group of Order Two
Can't talk about Nerdcore without this classic:
Finite Simple Group of Order Two------The Klein Four GroupLyrics courtesy of sweetlyrics.com.
The path of love is never smooth
But mine's continuous for you
You're the upper bound in the chains of my heart
You're my Axiom of Choice, you know it's true
But lately our relation's not so well-defined
And I just can't function without you
I'll prove my proposition and I'm sure you'll find
We're a finite simple group of order two
I'm losing my identity
I'm getting tensor every day
And without loss of generality
I will assume that you feel the same way
Since every time I see you, you just quotient out
The faithful image that I map into
But when we're one-to-one you'll see what I'm about
'Cause we're a finite simple group of order two
Our equivalence was stable,
A principal love bundle sitting deep inside
But then you drove a wedge between our two-forms
Now everything is so complexified
When we first met, we simply connected
My heart was open but too dense
Our system was already directed
To have a finite limit, in some sense
I'm living in the kernel of a rank-one map
From my domain, its image looks so blue,
'Cause all I see are zeroes, it's a cruel trap
But we're a finite simple group of order two
I'm not the smoothest operator in my class,
But we're a mirror pair, me and you,
So let's apply forgetful functors to the past
And be a finite simple group, a finite simple group,
Let's be a finite simple group of order two
(Oughter: "Why not three?")
I've proved my proposition now, as you can see,
So let's both be associative and free
And by corollary, this shows you and I to be
Purely inseparable. Q. E. D.
Where Are All The Girls?
Nerdcore! Man, I used to listen to these back in college. Now I feel like an old man. Blech!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Nostalgia
This used to be my favourite song. It still is, but it can be rather depressing, in spite of its up-tempo feel. Also note that since this song is from the 90s, the MTV and the music have almost nothing to do with each other...
Lyrics courtesy LetsSingIt.
Why------Tiggy
Na na na na, Na na na
Na na na na, Na na na
Na na na na, Na na na
Na na na na, Na na na
Standing beside you
wishing you'd always be close to me
And how can I tell you
every night I see you in my dreams
Believe me
don't be me
I would never let you go
Why, why do this have to be a fantasy
Let's make our love become reality
Oh, how I pray for that day to come
When we'll be joined together close as one
together close as one
I feel the passion
Burning deep inside my soul
And you're the solution
I know you'd catch me if I fall
Believe me,
don't be me
I would never let you go
(Why...) Why, why do this have to be a fantasy
Let's make our love become reality
Oh, how I pray for that day to come
When we'll be joined together close as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one
Don't be me, don't be me
I would never let you go
Why, why do this have to be a fantasy
Let's make our love become reality
Oh, how I pray for that day to come
When we'll be joined together close as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one (Na na na na, Na na na)
Together as one
Lyrics courtesy LetsSingIt.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Risible...
Chew on this (adapted from WordSmith.org's A.Word.A.Day newsletter):
- risible, adjective
- laughable; ludicrous
- disposed to laugh
- relating to laughter
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Soliloquy Deux
Strange what a good night's sleep can do. I suppose things are a little better in my head space after some decent sleep. But of course, that doesn't preclude me from rescinding from the choices I have made; though it does lend things a new light that I can probably use right now about how things should go. And I suppose I'm not able to see past the choice that I have made since I don't really understand it.
Time to do some mind-diving and introspection once more.
Time to do some mind-diving and introspection once more.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Soliloquy
Some things can be changed in a person, while there are a great many that cannot be. In my case, I suppose the whole misanthropic ideal is probably the most unchanging trait within me. I ventured out of my shell for quite a few years now, and somehow I find the experience not particularly exhilirating---getting out of one's shell makes one vulnerable.
And the last thing I want to be is to be vulnerable.
Weakness is one thing that I seem to refuse to acknowledge in any of its forms. It's probably a character flaw/trait, but I don't really care about it. So many things have come and gone; I used to trust in people, now I trust almost no one. It is not too hard a decision really, but some habits take a little bit of time to break. It is frustrating to always have to put on a mask that makes me more friendly than I really am---in many ways, I never really grew up. That child-like curiousity that I am so proud of is also the same trait that is causing my eventual downfall, as I never really progressed beyond what I had up to the age of eighteen or twenty.
Forever the immature one, right? I call bullshit.
That is just a perception, like everything else. And like every single kind of perception, it is alterable. Just because I maintain my curiousity doesn't mean that I have ``not grown up''; what it really means is that I have figured out how to meld the positive traits from the past with the ridiculous social mores that is in the present and future.
I'm just tired of people in general. It's tautologous---I think they don't understand me enough, so I don't share, and I don't share because they don't understand me enough. I have told many people that trying to ``know me'' is a rather dangerous and delicate procedure---that headspace of mine is fairly warped by this stage, and any attempt to try and make sense of what is going on is just leading one down the path of unadulterated insanity.
I am, as they might call it, a failed human. Failed in the physical sense, and now, failed in the mental sense. Put it even more bluntly, I'm fucked up in the head. Woo-wee. Do I enjoy being fucked up in the head? That's... hard to answer, because the concept of pleasure and pain is one that I have long learnt to not bother identifying, since either outcome is going to lead to an eventual discomfort that radiates throughout my very being.
If I were purely good or purely evil, obviously things would have been much easier, since there is literally a paragon that can serve as a guide to how one ought to behave. But of course, life with its tortuous roads is nothing like that, and I find myself perpetually stuck in that in-between place that causes the most grief and pain for everyone, including myself.
I don't know why I have this sudden... distaste of people. I used to have small bouts of it, but recently, this has become something more chronic. I can only venture a guess or two as to why the outcomes are so, but really, I'm just tired. Tired of the drama, tired of having to deal with people at the emotional level. Tired of being an actor; tired of being a spectator. Tired of taking charge, tired of merely following orders. Tired of being in the limelight, tired of being in the background.
I'm all messed up in the head.
No wonder people don't like me. No wonder relationships don't work out. No wonder I keep causing trouble for myself. No wonder my luck runs out. All these things are starting to make sense now, and I am seriously starting to consider taking really radical steps to just lobomotise away the messed up parts.
Unfortunately, science doesn't work that way and I find myself living through yet another day as a zombie whose brain had been enslaved by the very metaphysical entity of ``productive work''. It's a sad life really, having little to look forward to except to the glorious day when my body fails me once and for all and I die, peacefully or otherwise. Maybe death is the only true source of salvation for the likes of me, where the social barometers within ourselves are completely broken beyond repair.
And in spite of my time of need, I actively push everyone away, close or otherwise. Perhaps this is related to my concept of weakness---I don't want to appear weak. Or perhaps it is just me not knowing how to consult others for help, internally still paranoid at what people can do with the little information that they have on me.
Normalcy is among the last things for me I suppose. If I have to trade 10 years of life to one year of being an eccentric, I think with high probability I wouldn't mind doing that just to be someone who is cursorily unwilling to follow the mores of society for the sake of being a follower.
And once more, why do I say all these? Is there an overarching theme that I am trying to present? That is for all the aspiring psychoanalysts to decide. I'm out of here for now.
And the last thing I want to be is to be vulnerable.
Weakness is one thing that I seem to refuse to acknowledge in any of its forms. It's probably a character flaw/trait, but I don't really care about it. So many things have come and gone; I used to trust in people, now I trust almost no one. It is not too hard a decision really, but some habits take a little bit of time to break. It is frustrating to always have to put on a mask that makes me more friendly than I really am---in many ways, I never really grew up. That child-like curiousity that I am so proud of is also the same trait that is causing my eventual downfall, as I never really progressed beyond what I had up to the age of eighteen or twenty.
Forever the immature one, right? I call bullshit.
That is just a perception, like everything else. And like every single kind of perception, it is alterable. Just because I maintain my curiousity doesn't mean that I have ``not grown up''; what it really means is that I have figured out how to meld the positive traits from the past with the ridiculous social mores that is in the present and future.
I'm just tired of people in general. It's tautologous---I think they don't understand me enough, so I don't share, and I don't share because they don't understand me enough. I have told many people that trying to ``know me'' is a rather dangerous and delicate procedure---that headspace of mine is fairly warped by this stage, and any attempt to try and make sense of what is going on is just leading one down the path of unadulterated insanity.
I am, as they might call it, a failed human. Failed in the physical sense, and now, failed in the mental sense. Put it even more bluntly, I'm fucked up in the head. Woo-wee. Do I enjoy being fucked up in the head? That's... hard to answer, because the concept of pleasure and pain is one that I have long learnt to not bother identifying, since either outcome is going to lead to an eventual discomfort that radiates throughout my very being.
If I were purely good or purely evil, obviously things would have been much easier, since there is literally a paragon that can serve as a guide to how one ought to behave. But of course, life with its tortuous roads is nothing like that, and I find myself perpetually stuck in that in-between place that causes the most grief and pain for everyone, including myself.
I don't know why I have this sudden... distaste of people. I used to have small bouts of it, but recently, this has become something more chronic. I can only venture a guess or two as to why the outcomes are so, but really, I'm just tired. Tired of the drama, tired of having to deal with people at the emotional level. Tired of being an actor; tired of being a spectator. Tired of taking charge, tired of merely following orders. Tired of being in the limelight, tired of being in the background.
I'm all messed up in the head.
No wonder people don't like me. No wonder relationships don't work out. No wonder I keep causing trouble for myself. No wonder my luck runs out. All these things are starting to make sense now, and I am seriously starting to consider taking really radical steps to just lobomotise away the messed up parts.
Unfortunately, science doesn't work that way and I find myself living through yet another day as a zombie whose brain had been enslaved by the very metaphysical entity of ``productive work''. It's a sad life really, having little to look forward to except to the glorious day when my body fails me once and for all and I die, peacefully or otherwise. Maybe death is the only true source of salvation for the likes of me, where the social barometers within ourselves are completely broken beyond repair.
And in spite of my time of need, I actively push everyone away, close or otherwise. Perhaps this is related to my concept of weakness---I don't want to appear weak. Or perhaps it is just me not knowing how to consult others for help, internally still paranoid at what people can do with the little information that they have on me.
Normalcy is among the last things for me I suppose. If I have to trade 10 years of life to one year of being an eccentric, I think with high probability I wouldn't mind doing that just to be someone who is cursorily unwilling to follow the mores of society for the sake of being a follower.
And once more, why do I say all these? Is there an overarching theme that I am trying to present? That is for all the aspiring psychoanalysts to decide. I'm out of here for now.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Failure?
And so ends another concert.
Last night was the second major public concert that my Chinese Orchestra and I put up that I was involved in (the previous one was chronicled here). There were little hijinks that occurred, almost everything went smoothly---all in all, it was a fairly sucessful performance.
It's a strange feeling though. I probably invited more people this time to turn up for the concert that the one in the past, and I suppose that the attrition rate is much lower this time round. The folks who did turn up seemed to enjoy the music, so I guess it wasn't that bad. In spite of the overall feel-good factor of the performance, I've not really managed to shake a certain hollow feeling that is within me.
And then it hit me---persona non grata. Three years of intermittent appearance at the orchestra had made me even more distant from the group that I had literally grown up with. That's where the hollowness comes from. I was there, but not there---just a surreal entity attached to an organically developed group that has since taken a life on its own. I was with the music, but I was not with the people. I feel more and more like That Guy, the one who just happens to be somewhat tolerated because he was useful, and not because he was cool to hang out with.
I don't know. I think I shouldn't really be upset about this, but then again, I feel like I have been a failure at life. A has-been. Sometimes when it is quiet and I'm nowhere near anyone, I start to think about all kinds of complicated thoughts and go all depressed and panicky. But I suppose that's how life is eh?
Looks like the road ahead is no different from the one I left behind when I left for my studies in the US... I have no idea where I'm going with this narrative, so I'm just going to stop here. Maybe next time...
Last night was the second major public concert that my Chinese Orchestra and I put up that I was involved in (the previous one was chronicled here). There were little hijinks that occurred, almost everything went smoothly---all in all, it was a fairly sucessful performance.
It's a strange feeling though. I probably invited more people this time to turn up for the concert that the one in the past, and I suppose that the attrition rate is much lower this time round. The folks who did turn up seemed to enjoy the music, so I guess it wasn't that bad. In spite of the overall feel-good factor of the performance, I've not really managed to shake a certain hollow feeling that is within me.
And then it hit me---persona non grata. Three years of intermittent appearance at the orchestra had made me even more distant from the group that I had literally grown up with. That's where the hollowness comes from. I was there, but not there---just a surreal entity attached to an organically developed group that has since taken a life on its own. I was with the music, but I was not with the people. I feel more and more like That Guy, the one who just happens to be somewhat tolerated because he was useful, and not because he was cool to hang out with.
I don't know. I think I shouldn't really be upset about this, but then again, I feel like I have been a failure at life. A has-been. Sometimes when it is quiet and I'm nowhere near anyone, I start to think about all kinds of complicated thoughts and go all depressed and panicky. But I suppose that's how life is eh?
Looks like the road ahead is no different from the one I left behind when I left for my studies in the US... I have no idea where I'm going with this narrative, so I'm just going to stop here. Maybe next time...
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
For the Experience
So I think that there're a few things that I've slowly learnt over the past few weeks, and here are just some of my thoughts.
Firstly, Singaporeans have one common problem. The whole idea that doing something is ``for the experience''. I mean, that is plain ridiculous. Why is this canned response so popular here? Why can't we begin any endeavour with the mentality that we want to achieve a certain tangible goal other than just experience? It gets exasperating at times to hear people say things like that, particularly when they are being interviewed by the media. This is probably among the worst ``politically correct'' answers that one can give, because it demonstrates one crucial point: we do not seem to have that critical thinking element that is oh-so important in the world today. To not admit defeat and claim that it was ``a good experience'', we are molly-codling ourselves into a false sense of security, in that we think that we have not really failed in any sense. That is a classic example of evading the issue at hand. Note that this is different from saying something like ``yes I failed, but here are the other things that I have found out''---this other way of representation may appear cursory similar to the ``politically correct'' version, but the nuance demonstrated is far from being the same. In the former, there is an air of resignation, the demonstration of a lack of wherewithal to actually learn from what happened, while in the latter, the active voice shows a completely different picture. We should all strive towards a more critical form of thinking, and to actually learn from the experience, instead of saying some vague quasi-politically correct statement.
Secondly, problem-solvers cannot really stay in one place for too long. The rationale for this little assertion is straightforward---problem-solvers go where the problems are, and once the problems for a source dry up, they go on to another location to look for new ones to solve. Thus, staying at one place for too long is detrimental to the mental health of the problem-solver, whose mantra is to solve problems that they encounter, since the number of questions to be solved in a particular location is finite and will dry up eventually. This is of course a rather abstract and metaphorical allusion that doesn't sound rather grounded in reality, so here's a more explicit explanation of what I am really trying to say. I don't think I can settle down that easily, since at heart I'm a problem-solver---solving problems are what makes me feel happy. Okay, not happy, but at least sufficiently contented. Problem-solving as a hobby is a rather masochistic endeavour, since one is paradoxically expending a lot of energy at a task that one is supposed to be doing ``in leisure''. I find that throughout the years, only two things I don't really get sick of doing---making music and solving problems. That of course doesn't mean that I can do the same thing for a few hours (that's painful), but at the very least, I have more than a passing interest in such matters. People strive for material gains, while my wants are more complicated---I thrive on knowledge. That is my opiate for happiness (or at least, contentment) and life.
Lastly, something a little more light-hearted. I found my previous blog colour scheme too depressing (not as depressing as that green-on-black monstrosity I first started out with) and have jazzed it up a little with some of the new doodads that Blogger seems to have introduced. While I'm not completely impressed, there is a certain lighter feel to it, kind of uplifting in fact. Of course, I tuned the layout a little so that even on Edythe-EEE, the page looks fine. Overall I think things are not too bad now.
So what else am I working on? A lot of other projects, quite a few of the time-sappers are for work, while I have the usual pile of projects that I've always wanted to work a little on. Maybe I will get to work on all the stuff that I want to eventually. Meanwhile, work beckons.
Till next time.
Firstly, Singaporeans have one common problem. The whole idea that doing something is ``for the experience''. I mean, that is plain ridiculous. Why is this canned response so popular here? Why can't we begin any endeavour with the mentality that we want to achieve a certain tangible goal other than just experience? It gets exasperating at times to hear people say things like that, particularly when they are being interviewed by the media. This is probably among the worst ``politically correct'' answers that one can give, because it demonstrates one crucial point: we do not seem to have that critical thinking element that is oh-so important in the world today. To not admit defeat and claim that it was ``a good experience'', we are molly-codling ourselves into a false sense of security, in that we think that we have not really failed in any sense. That is a classic example of evading the issue at hand. Note that this is different from saying something like ``yes I failed, but here are the other things that I have found out''---this other way of representation may appear cursory similar to the ``politically correct'' version, but the nuance demonstrated is far from being the same. In the former, there is an air of resignation, the demonstration of a lack of wherewithal to actually learn from what happened, while in the latter, the active voice shows a completely different picture. We should all strive towards a more critical form of thinking, and to actually learn from the experience, instead of saying some vague quasi-politically correct statement.
Secondly, problem-solvers cannot really stay in one place for too long. The rationale for this little assertion is straightforward---problem-solvers go where the problems are, and once the problems for a source dry up, they go on to another location to look for new ones to solve. Thus, staying at one place for too long is detrimental to the mental health of the problem-solver, whose mantra is to solve problems that they encounter, since the number of questions to be solved in a particular location is finite and will dry up eventually. This is of course a rather abstract and metaphorical allusion that doesn't sound rather grounded in reality, so here's a more explicit explanation of what I am really trying to say. I don't think I can settle down that easily, since at heart I'm a problem-solver---solving problems are what makes me feel happy. Okay, not happy, but at least sufficiently contented. Problem-solving as a hobby is a rather masochistic endeavour, since one is paradoxically expending a lot of energy at a task that one is supposed to be doing ``in leisure''. I find that throughout the years, only two things I don't really get sick of doing---making music and solving problems. That of course doesn't mean that I can do the same thing for a few hours (that's painful), but at the very least, I have more than a passing interest in such matters. People strive for material gains, while my wants are more complicated---I thrive on knowledge. That is my opiate for happiness (or at least, contentment) and life.
Lastly, something a little more light-hearted. I found my previous blog colour scheme too depressing (not as depressing as that green-on-black monstrosity I first started out with) and have jazzed it up a little with some of the new doodads that Blogger seems to have introduced. While I'm not completely impressed, there is a certain lighter feel to it, kind of uplifting in fact. Of course, I tuned the layout a little so that even on Edythe-EEE, the page looks fine. Overall I think things are not too bad now.
So what else am I working on? A lot of other projects, quite a few of the time-sappers are for work, while I have the usual pile of projects that I've always wanted to work a little on. Maybe I will get to work on all the stuff that I want to eventually. Meanwhile, work beckons.
Till next time.
GNU Screen Commands Redux
Some important commands for GNU Screen, the text-based output multiplexer:
Filtered from here.
There are of course more comands that GNU Screen supports, but these are the few that I find to be most useful especially when working over a ssh link, since I can monitor several outputs at the same time. Bear in mind that due to the nature of multiplexing, having split screens/regions can cause a slow connection to appear a tad slower.
| To do this... | Do this... |
|---|---|
| Make a new session/reconnect old one | screen -U -dRR sessionname |
| Detach session | C-a d |
| Split horizontally | C-a S |
| Split vertically(!) | C-a | |
| Remove this split region | C-a X |
| Remove all but this split region | C-a Q |
| Jump to next split region | C-a Tab |
| New window | C-a c |
| List windows | C-a w |
| Copy mode/pause | C-a [ |
There are of course more comands that GNU Screen supports, but these are the few that I find to be most useful especially when working over a ssh link, since I can monitor several outputs at the same time. Bear in mind that due to the nature of multiplexing, having split screens/regions can cause a slow connection to appear a tad slower.
Thursday, July 01, 2010
Argle Bargle
(Warning, highly biased and semi-nonsensical rant to follow.)
And so it is just about the time for the end of the first week that I am back in the office after a week's worth of leave taken, and I must say, I feel much more different now as compared to before. I feel somewhat energised, and things don't seem as painful as it once seem. My focus is returning, and I'm starting to realign my mind to the things that matter the most at this point in time, and this [un]surprisingly doesn't really include the concept of romance. I probably won't go as far as saying that I am no longer interested in romance, but the mere thought of getting involved in a romance at this point in time is somewhat distasteful.
In case you are still kind of oblivious about what is going on, Mint and I are no longer seeing each other that way.
Strangely, it is liberating, as I slowly relearn what made me tick all these years. That misanthropy that I was hiding all these years have finally manifested itself even more, and I am starting to re-erect all those mental and emotional barriers that I once had. Those battlements are in serious need of repair after having allowed myself to let people in only to get hurt in one way or another.
Meh.
Does this make me any less of a human? Perhaps, but really, I don't care. The old philosophy that no one will be there for me seems to hold even stronger than before, and thus I am re-realising that the only force that I can rely on is just me. People come, people go; even the best of friends may one day be put in an awkward position that renders them ineffectual, like how many of my friends have been over the past few years.
Reliance is weak. I admit that at one point or another, I have to rely on someone to help me, to guide me. But I think that the stubbornness/determination that has carried me through the years will come in handy once more, for at the end of the day, the degree of helplessness is highly dependent on the individual's mental state---think that you are weak, then you will be weak, likewise if you think that you are strong, you will be strong.
Is this a form of regression? That has been a question that has been bugging me for a while after all that had happened, from the past to the present, and at one point in my life, I seemed to have thought so, which was why I was always actively seeking an Other who will be there for me. And then I realise that in this generation, the whole concept of an Other is mostly moot. This is a loveless world---it had always been a loveless world. People gather together only if there's some form of incentive, be it economic or some other utilitarian purpose. There's a reason why arranged marriages of the past work---they work not because the couple involved truly ``loved'' each other, but that there was significant economic incentive for them to wed. Heck, this idea was explored even in my Introduction to Anthropology course back when I was still in CMU. Given the modern environment where self-sufficiency is not frowned upon but even strongly encouraged, it becomes even less of an incentive for any two people to get together for any long period of time. Just take a look at the high divorce rates for an anecdotal proof of the point that I am making here.
The once sacro-sanct notion of marriage is just an elaborate scam that people perpetuate in the name of face. Consider the expenses involved, both monetarily and emotionally, and you'll also see what I mean. The whole concept of bliss and happiness is yet another scam that people perpetuate to justify their actions. While I accede to the fact that there are some needs that cannot be met alone (sexual needs for instance), for almost everything else there's a way to deal with. If coupling or marriage were that important, then why in one of the world's oldest civilisations do they have the practice of having people wander the world to gain spirituality even after being married with children?
Scams, lies, shams. Very strong words used indeed, and I do not apologise for their use. I'm just jaded, jaded with human society, jaded at what is mostly a failed attempt at being someone I am not really meant to be. Bending over most of the time to please people, making myself miserable ever so often, trying to change myself all the fscking time---there has to be a point in time where things like that need to change.
That time is now.
While I have said that I'd swear off relationships each time a break-up occurs, I have never really kept my bargain of it, because I am innately human; I keep believing in this poison called ``hope''. Hope is a poison because it is an artificially optimistic perspective, and for a long time I have placed strong faith in it. A quarter of a century later, I have known better---my trust of ``hope'' drops exponentially each time I get a failure in the same thing that I am working on. Am I then claiming athat I am really going to swear off relationships forever? No, because then I'd be lying to myself. I am, however, even more nonchalant about how relationships pan out now, and will make good the promise to myself to not be too involved in it. If a nice girl comes along and we click somehow, maybe I will poke and prod a bit to see if things can progress; if it can't, too bad, move on, alone or not.
There is literally no incentive to be committed in a relationship from the beginning, because people are fickle and once they know that they have a certain power over you, you will end up being the one who is going to be completely hurt. And guess what, I'm sick of getting hurt already. I once said that the only way to love is to love completely because there's no other way to love since a lack of complete love means regret if things didn't work out. So naïve. Complete love has a bad-ass cousin called complete hurt, and that's what I keep submitting myself to. Time to protect myself.
I think my disillusionment with life is getting more complete than before, man one day I'm going to be a grumpy old man if I'm not careful. Anyway, that's about as much poison I will rant about for now. Time to get back to my happy little world of knowledge assimilation.
And so it is just about the time for the end of the first week that I am back in the office after a week's worth of leave taken, and I must say, I feel much more different now as compared to before. I feel somewhat energised, and things don't seem as painful as it once seem. My focus is returning, and I'm starting to realign my mind to the things that matter the most at this point in time, and this [un]surprisingly doesn't really include the concept of romance. I probably won't go as far as saying that I am no longer interested in romance, but the mere thought of getting involved in a romance at this point in time is somewhat distasteful.
In case you are still kind of oblivious about what is going on, Mint and I are no longer seeing each other that way.
Strangely, it is liberating, as I slowly relearn what made me tick all these years. That misanthropy that I was hiding all these years have finally manifested itself even more, and I am starting to re-erect all those mental and emotional barriers that I once had. Those battlements are in serious need of repair after having allowed myself to let people in only to get hurt in one way or another.
Meh.
Does this make me any less of a human? Perhaps, but really, I don't care. The old philosophy that no one will be there for me seems to hold even stronger than before, and thus I am re-realising that the only force that I can rely on is just me. People come, people go; even the best of friends may one day be put in an awkward position that renders them ineffectual, like how many of my friends have been over the past few years.
Reliance is weak. I admit that at one point or another, I have to rely on someone to help me, to guide me. But I think that the stubbornness/determination that has carried me through the years will come in handy once more, for at the end of the day, the degree of helplessness is highly dependent on the individual's mental state---think that you are weak, then you will be weak, likewise if you think that you are strong, you will be strong.
Is this a form of regression? That has been a question that has been bugging me for a while after all that had happened, from the past to the present, and at one point in my life, I seemed to have thought so, which was why I was always actively seeking an Other who will be there for me. And then I realise that in this generation, the whole concept of an Other is mostly moot. This is a loveless world---it had always been a loveless world. People gather together only if there's some form of incentive, be it economic or some other utilitarian purpose. There's a reason why arranged marriages of the past work---they work not because the couple involved truly ``loved'' each other, but that there was significant economic incentive for them to wed. Heck, this idea was explored even in my Introduction to Anthropology course back when I was still in CMU. Given the modern environment where self-sufficiency is not frowned upon but even strongly encouraged, it becomes even less of an incentive for any two people to get together for any long period of time. Just take a look at the high divorce rates for an anecdotal proof of the point that I am making here.
The once sacro-sanct notion of marriage is just an elaborate scam that people perpetuate in the name of face. Consider the expenses involved, both monetarily and emotionally, and you'll also see what I mean. The whole concept of bliss and happiness is yet another scam that people perpetuate to justify their actions. While I accede to the fact that there are some needs that cannot be met alone (sexual needs for instance), for almost everything else there's a way to deal with. If coupling or marriage were that important, then why in one of the world's oldest civilisations do they have the practice of having people wander the world to gain spirituality even after being married with children?
Scams, lies, shams. Very strong words used indeed, and I do not apologise for their use. I'm just jaded, jaded with human society, jaded at what is mostly a failed attempt at being someone I am not really meant to be. Bending over most of the time to please people, making myself miserable ever so often, trying to change myself all the fscking time---there has to be a point in time where things like that need to change.
That time is now.
While I have said that I'd swear off relationships each time a break-up occurs, I have never really kept my bargain of it, because I am innately human; I keep believing in this poison called ``hope''. Hope is a poison because it is an artificially optimistic perspective, and for a long time I have placed strong faith in it. A quarter of a century later, I have known better---my trust of ``hope'' drops exponentially each time I get a failure in the same thing that I am working on. Am I then claiming athat I am really going to swear off relationships forever? No, because then I'd be lying to myself. I am, however, even more nonchalant about how relationships pan out now, and will make good the promise to myself to not be too involved in it. If a nice girl comes along and we click somehow, maybe I will poke and prod a bit to see if things can progress; if it can't, too bad, move on, alone or not.
There is literally no incentive to be committed in a relationship from the beginning, because people are fickle and once they know that they have a certain power over you, you will end up being the one who is going to be completely hurt. And guess what, I'm sick of getting hurt already. I once said that the only way to love is to love completely because there's no other way to love since a lack of complete love means regret if things didn't work out. So naïve. Complete love has a bad-ass cousin called complete hurt, and that's what I keep submitting myself to. Time to protect myself.
I think my disillusionment with life is getting more complete than before, man one day I'm going to be a grumpy old man if I'm not careful. Anyway, that's about as much poison I will rant about for now. Time to get back to my happy little world of knowledge assimilation.
Total Eclipse of the Heart
This song is fairly odd till the last stanza, where it starts to make a little more sense...
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Regex Sub-language Selection
To use grep to find things with spaces (or to have a generally more powerful Regex syntax akin to that of Perl or Python), use:
grep -Pas a part of the incantation.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Ho-hum
Feels funny to be writing here once more, not because I'm no longer comfortable with writing, but that between the last update and this one, many things have changed. Oh, and the fact that my left index finger has some nail issues which causes me to lose quite a fair bit of typing ability, but as usual I digress.
So anyway, I have been rather jaded/down for the last couple of months, partially due to the stresses of work, and partially due to the various stresses in life. And as each day passes, I'm slowly starting to realise that I am actually fairly decoupled from the material world, in the sense that I can live with really very little things that are available from the material condition. This slow understanding of my own condition comes as a part of my general evaluation of the direction with which my life is currently taking, from the three paths of work, personal and play. It is just that with all the work and stresses that I have been put into, I have little time to sit down and partake in a little introspection---the moments in time where I can really sit back and consider all things past and present and plan about the future, wondering about the greater significance of it all.
Needless to say, having a week's leave is something that is rather welcome at this point in time, as someone once said ``if you don't plan to take your leave, you never will take the leave because work is never-ending''. This is particularly pertinent given what has occurred just a few days back---my budding relationship with Mint has gone on a ``two steps forward one step back'' stint. I don't really want to talk about things here (that's what a diary is for), but I suppose it does put a lot of things into perspective to a large degree. Many questions were raised, and many more to be answered, and at the end of it all, only time and fate can tell what the future truly brings.
Enough of the depressing stuff though. Thinking about the past, present and future does have some interesting consequences, and it is for things like that I am glad I actually took that one week leave. Hell, I think I should have taken the leave a long time ago, and have I done that, I would probably be in a better shape than now. As I mull about the future from the present, I realise that slowly, the very fabric of reality itself is morphing, not always for the better, but certainly changing enough that it keeps things somewhat exciting.
Aikido. This is one of the couple of things that I am using to keep myself sane, and for the most part, I am really glad to have taken it up when I had the chance. Apart from the generally good workout it provides, there's also a strong understanding of what my body and mind are capable of as I try out the various manoeuvres that are available within the martial art. I've been living a mostly sedentary life for quite a long while, and thus having the opportunity to finally have the chance to work out my body is something that I truly cherish a lot.
So much for the random update for now.
So anyway, I have been rather jaded/down for the last couple of months, partially due to the stresses of work, and partially due to the various stresses in life. And as each day passes, I'm slowly starting to realise that I am actually fairly decoupled from the material world, in the sense that I can live with really very little things that are available from the material condition. This slow understanding of my own condition comes as a part of my general evaluation of the direction with which my life is currently taking, from the three paths of work, personal and play. It is just that with all the work and stresses that I have been put into, I have little time to sit down and partake in a little introspection---the moments in time where I can really sit back and consider all things past and present and plan about the future, wondering about the greater significance of it all.
Needless to say, having a week's leave is something that is rather welcome at this point in time, as someone once said ``if you don't plan to take your leave, you never will take the leave because work is never-ending''. This is particularly pertinent given what has occurred just a few days back---my budding relationship with Mint has gone on a ``two steps forward one step back'' stint. I don't really want to talk about things here (that's what a diary is for), but I suppose it does put a lot of things into perspective to a large degree. Many questions were raised, and many more to be answered, and at the end of it all, only time and fate can tell what the future truly brings.
Enough of the depressing stuff though. Thinking about the past, present and future does have some interesting consequences, and it is for things like that I am glad I actually took that one week leave. Hell, I think I should have taken the leave a long time ago, and have I done that, I would probably be in a better shape than now. As I mull about the future from the present, I realise that slowly, the very fabric of reality itself is morphing, not always for the better, but certainly changing enough that it keeps things somewhat exciting.
Aikido. This is one of the couple of things that I am using to keep myself sane, and for the most part, I am really glad to have taken it up when I had the chance. Apart from the generally good workout it provides, there's also a strong understanding of what my body and mind are capable of as I try out the various manoeuvres that are available within the martial art. I've been living a mostly sedentary life for quite a long while, and thus having the opportunity to finally have the chance to work out my body is something that I truly cherish a lot.
So much for the random update for now.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Anachronism
The intimacy granted by a superiorly designed writing instrument is as pleasurable as the sweet love that two lovers make with each other. The ampleness of the barrel coupled with the softest of caresses needed for the nib to touch the paper to let the smoothest of ink to flow unimpeded is almost as sinful as the uninhibited emotions that the lovers share with each other in the purest of ways.
But sweet seductive imagery aside, after having my fountain pen for nearly a year since my graduation (a gift from my mum, who had asked me what I might want for graduation), I must say that I have really grown to appreciate how a fountain pen works. As noted in the epithet earlier, it is a real spiritual experience just to wield the pen between the thumb and forefinger, and to feel the gliding sensation of the nib on the surface. Of course, one of the outcomes from using a high quality fountain pen is that one would not really print letters but write them with a more cursive style---the very fluid style that just begs to be used with such a nice instrument. It is a pity that the modern day person is largely ignorant of the fountain pen. Disposable ball-point pens, gel-inked pens and the what not dominate the current writing landscape, and while I am not against their use, I still maintain that the fountain pen is such a wonderful writing instrument that one would forgo all these other writing tools just to have the comfort level that is afforded only by the fountain pen itself. I know I have.
But what is the aim of writing all this? It is not merely an exercise of typing English text out on a keyboard---there is of course a theme that I am alluding to here. This theme that I am subtly talking about refers to that of my anachronistic tendencies.
While in many ways I am a techie, computer science degree and all, at heart I am still one who cherishes the past that has occurred. Unlike those who follow that path, I do not like things about the past because I believe that the past is inexplicably timeless with an elegance that transcends all of reality---I'm still a rational realist after all. However, I do find that some of the artefacts that come from the past have a certain aesthetic about them that is sort of lost in the march of technology; it amazes me to end to learn that people of the past have reached dizzying heights of technology progress in spite of having techniques and materials that are much simpler than now. In many ways, my fascination with the anachronistic can be seen as a tribute to the ingenuity that our predecessors have to demonstrate to come up with workable ideas at a time that was devoid of all the progress that we have now.
Take the slide rule for example. The ability to compute traditionally annoying functions without having to keep too many things on one's head, all reduced to a short 10-inch form factor. Sure, the 10-inch netbook that is popular these days can probably do more, but slide rules are easily recreated technology (try to build your own netbook from scratch), and they run practically forever (the 8-hour battery life means absolutely nothing), and can compute things up to three significant figures of accuracy. The elegance of such anachronistic devices never cease to amaze me, and it is one of my life's goals to actually seek out and learn how do all these ``lost'' devices work and how they are made; perhaps some time in thei future, their need might arise again.
But sweet seductive imagery aside, after having my fountain pen for nearly a year since my graduation (a gift from my mum, who had asked me what I might want for graduation), I must say that I have really grown to appreciate how a fountain pen works. As noted in the epithet earlier, it is a real spiritual experience just to wield the pen between the thumb and forefinger, and to feel the gliding sensation of the nib on the surface. Of course, one of the outcomes from using a high quality fountain pen is that one would not really print letters but write them with a more cursive style---the very fluid style that just begs to be used with such a nice instrument. It is a pity that the modern day person is largely ignorant of the fountain pen. Disposable ball-point pens, gel-inked pens and the what not dominate the current writing landscape, and while I am not against their use, I still maintain that the fountain pen is such a wonderful writing instrument that one would forgo all these other writing tools just to have the comfort level that is afforded only by the fountain pen itself. I know I have.
But what is the aim of writing all this? It is not merely an exercise of typing English text out on a keyboard---there is of course a theme that I am alluding to here. This theme that I am subtly talking about refers to that of my anachronistic tendencies.
While in many ways I am a techie, computer science degree and all, at heart I am still one who cherishes the past that has occurred. Unlike those who follow that path, I do not like things about the past because I believe that the past is inexplicably timeless with an elegance that transcends all of reality---I'm still a rational realist after all. However, I do find that some of the artefacts that come from the past have a certain aesthetic about them that is sort of lost in the march of technology; it amazes me to end to learn that people of the past have reached dizzying heights of technology progress in spite of having techniques and materials that are much simpler than now. In many ways, my fascination with the anachronistic can be seen as a tribute to the ingenuity that our predecessors have to demonstrate to come up with workable ideas at a time that was devoid of all the progress that we have now.
Take the slide rule for example. The ability to compute traditionally annoying functions without having to keep too many things on one's head, all reduced to a short 10-inch form factor. Sure, the 10-inch netbook that is popular these days can probably do more, but slide rules are easily recreated technology (try to build your own netbook from scratch), and they run practically forever (the 8-hour battery life means absolutely nothing), and can compute things up to three significant figures of accuracy. The elegance of such anachronistic devices never cease to amaze me, and it is one of my life's goals to actually seek out and learn how do all these ``lost'' devices work and how they are made; perhaps some time in thei future, their need might arise again.
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Duality (Part 2)
(First part begins here.)
So the last time I talked here I was referring to how the two seemingly contradictory maxims of what absence can do to a person with regards to the remembrance and camaraderie are both completely wrong due to the grayness in which the ``hard rules'' of the world apply to. That was, of course, made at a moment that was rather late at night (4am in the morning) and with the general realisation at that point in time that the people that I once knew from the past are just going to stay there where I last left them---in the past. It is not so much as a piece demanding strong scrutiny, but more of a piece that highlights the duality of reality that we sometimes fail to appreciate.
In many of life's happenings, we find that there are many instances where we ask ourselves if something that had happened to us was indeed ``bad'' and worry greatly about what might happen to us after that, i.e. the consequences of it all. Of course it is true that we will always have to deal with the consequences of our actions (it is only the privileged few that can get away from everything), but what occurs after that is something that is worth thinking about separately and away from the rather myopic perspective of mere cause and effect. The fallacy of it all is to assume that the single outcome of a single effect will be the only factor that will affect our affect and effect---what I mean is that we are always assuming that the one outcome that occurred will be the deciding factor that will change our moods and to change the series of consequences that we might have to deal with. The truth is often more complicated than it seems; while it sounds more rational to identify the root cause of a particular outcome, upon further thought, the conclusion that is drawn is often a little more different---the discovered ``root'' cause is mostly the straw that broke the camel's back. There is often an accumulation of factors that started off small and fairly insignificant, before snowballing into a monstrosity that one has to eventually fend off (and declare to be the root cause of it all). The astute person will often try to correct for all these small issues in the hope of averting certain disaster, or at least, certain predictable disaster.
Predictability. We assume in many cases that things are predictable, to a certain degree. Drop a ball from a height off the ground, and you expect the ball to fall downards to the ground. The very essence that defines science is based on the notion of falsifiability and predictability, or at least, the notion that we can tell with some level of confidence what an outcome might be given the starting conditions (or part thereof). Predictability is at times reassuring, but its dual is also true, namely that predictability can also be a very boring affair. Perhaps being a little unpredictable can lead to something that is more meaningful, for if you already knew the output of a computer program, would you still want to run the program? Put in another way, if you can fully predict your life, would you still want to live your life out then?
Why all these jumping about, one might ask. And I reply, why not? I'm attempting to demonstrate the duality of reality that permeates, and to suggest that perhaps by paying attention to its existence that we can finally learn the true meaning of happiness, which ought to be seen as the life path of the most moderate belief that one can summon. Only then will the dicta of common sense appeal most strongly to that of the rational mind.
So the last time I talked here I was referring to how the two seemingly contradictory maxims of what absence can do to a person with regards to the remembrance and camaraderie are both completely wrong due to the grayness in which the ``hard rules'' of the world apply to. That was, of course, made at a moment that was rather late at night (4am in the morning) and with the general realisation at that point in time that the people that I once knew from the past are just going to stay there where I last left them---in the past. It is not so much as a piece demanding strong scrutiny, but more of a piece that highlights the duality of reality that we sometimes fail to appreciate.
In many of life's happenings, we find that there are many instances where we ask ourselves if something that had happened to us was indeed ``bad'' and worry greatly about what might happen to us after that, i.e. the consequences of it all. Of course it is true that we will always have to deal with the consequences of our actions (it is only the privileged few that can get away from everything), but what occurs after that is something that is worth thinking about separately and away from the rather myopic perspective of mere cause and effect. The fallacy of it all is to assume that the single outcome of a single effect will be the only factor that will affect our affect and effect---what I mean is that we are always assuming that the one outcome that occurred will be the deciding factor that will change our moods and to change the series of consequences that we might have to deal with. The truth is often more complicated than it seems; while it sounds more rational to identify the root cause of a particular outcome, upon further thought, the conclusion that is drawn is often a little more different---the discovered ``root'' cause is mostly the straw that broke the camel's back. There is often an accumulation of factors that started off small and fairly insignificant, before snowballing into a monstrosity that one has to eventually fend off (and declare to be the root cause of it all). The astute person will often try to correct for all these small issues in the hope of averting certain disaster, or at least, certain predictable disaster.
Predictability. We assume in many cases that things are predictable, to a certain degree. Drop a ball from a height off the ground, and you expect the ball to fall downards to the ground. The very essence that defines science is based on the notion of falsifiability and predictability, or at least, the notion that we can tell with some level of confidence what an outcome might be given the starting conditions (or part thereof). Predictability is at times reassuring, but its dual is also true, namely that predictability can also be a very boring affair. Perhaps being a little unpredictable can lead to something that is more meaningful, for if you already knew the output of a computer program, would you still want to run the program? Put in another way, if you can fully predict your life, would you still want to live your life out then?
Why all these jumping about, one might ask. And I reply, why not? I'm attempting to demonstrate the duality of reality that permeates, and to suggest that perhaps by paying attention to its existence that we can finally learn the true meaning of happiness, which ought to be seen as the life path of the most moderate belief that one can summon. Only then will the dicta of common sense appeal most strongly to that of the rational mind.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Duality (Part 1)
Ookay, so it is once more 4am in the morning, and I have absolutely no idea why I am still awake. Anyhow, being this late in the night means that it is a really good time to be thinking about things that are a little more philosophical in nature.
I've been to America and back, and if things go smoothly, I'll probably be heading back for yet another spell. If I have to narrow down the things that I have learnt from being in the US to just one thing in human relations, it would be that people tend to be very forgetful. As time goes by, everyone's memories fade a little, and under certain circumstances, the memories fade ever so quickly as compared to others. For example, it is a known fact that I have graduated one year early due to a whole variety of reasons, and after having done so, I have this feeling that only a small handful of people actually remember who I am, let alone continuing to keep in contact with me. It is of course not a real lesson that is newly learnt per se, but it is most striking when comparing the position that I am in with the folks that I knew from America---apart from the separation by time, there is also a separation of pure geographical distance. Relativity aside, it really does evoke the meaning of the proverbial ``out of sight, out of mind''.
Yet things are not always the case---there is still another saying that goes ``absence makes the heart fonder''. In many ways, this can be seen as the pure antithesis of the previous folk saying, but I choose to view things from a slightly more holistic perspective; absence and emotions have a dependency on each other, but there is no single prescribed method with which one can predict with great accuracy that it will always be true. So both proverbs under my interpretation are completely wrong since they are designating a maxim as opposed to a less rigorous guideline. Of course there is a little nit-picking involved here since I am applying the extrema principle of taking sentences as literally as possible, consistent with a cold rational reading, as opposed to the more moderate perspective prevalent in everyday conversations.
But how does this fit into what I am going to say? Perhaps a next post might be in order (I'm getting sleepy and should probably get some rest).
I've been to America and back, and if things go smoothly, I'll probably be heading back for yet another spell. If I have to narrow down the things that I have learnt from being in the US to just one thing in human relations, it would be that people tend to be very forgetful. As time goes by, everyone's memories fade a little, and under certain circumstances, the memories fade ever so quickly as compared to others. For example, it is a known fact that I have graduated one year early due to a whole variety of reasons, and after having done so, I have this feeling that only a small handful of people actually remember who I am, let alone continuing to keep in contact with me. It is of course not a real lesson that is newly learnt per se, but it is most striking when comparing the position that I am in with the folks that I knew from America---apart from the separation by time, there is also a separation of pure geographical distance. Relativity aside, it really does evoke the meaning of the proverbial ``out of sight, out of mind''.
Yet things are not always the case---there is still another saying that goes ``absence makes the heart fonder''. In many ways, this can be seen as the pure antithesis of the previous folk saying, but I choose to view things from a slightly more holistic perspective; absence and emotions have a dependency on each other, but there is no single prescribed method with which one can predict with great accuracy that it will always be true. So both proverbs under my interpretation are completely wrong since they are designating a maxim as opposed to a less rigorous guideline. Of course there is a little nit-picking involved here since I am applying the extrema principle of taking sentences as literally as possible, consistent with a cold rational reading, as opposed to the more moderate perspective prevalent in everyday conversations.
But how does this fit into what I am going to say? Perhaps a next post might be in order (I'm getting sleepy and should probably get some rest).
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Late-Night Auto-Writing
Okay, so it's finally dark out, the night is fast progressing into the deepest form of darkness, and I'm sort of floating around in that semi-happy state of being mildly sedated from the cool winds and quiet atmosphere. Sounds like a good time for yet another rare blog entry.
Funny how life works out sometimes. Just when you think all hope is lost, an opportunity yields itself to be within your grasp, only if you choose to take it up, of course. I don't really mean this in any metaphorical sense---such subtleties are fast lost upon me as I dig deeper into the factual world that is science. If you have been paying attention (or not, considering I do not know who is actually reading this and who isn't), you would have realised that I have been rather lost and directionless with regards to many things. But of course, by now, most of these issues have been dealt with, and I feel that familiar surge of energy that drives and pushes me forward for all the past few years that I have lived.
So what has changed in life?
Lots of things, really. New job, new life, new love, new goals, new friends, new acquaintances---it is in many ways a break from the old life that I had started to loath ever since the world crashed on me figuratively speaking. Such a break is most welcome of course, since it truly marks a new beginning for me. Now I don't have to worry about how the people of the past have treated me since I have the present to look at and the future to look forward to; odious varieties of people from #cslounge for example are but a thing of the past, and odious people from my other parts of life have been silenced like vermin crushed under the heels of a juggernaut. Surely, the clearing of such filth can be important as a means of detoxifying the soul, or at the very least, that of the psyche.
But such sweeping changes made require more than a fair share of guts and willingness to leap into the unknown---the remaking process of the self is one that is fraught with false starts and early failures, and not to mention the sheer uncertainty of the interpretations that one can take with reagards to particular facets of the issue at hand. I have dallied a little in working that bit out, but today, I finally took the plunge and cleared away the last vestiges of all that made me so unhappy for so long.
Enough of the sombre thoughts---a new beginning needs a new outlook on everything that happens. Those who have known me for long would be mildly surprised to discover that I have more or less become a person that they would never have guessed: I am more physically active these days than I ever was in the past. Part of this comes from the tacit acknowledgement that I'm no spring chicken any more, and that my metabolism is already on the decline, which meant that the ``legendary'' helpings of old cannot be performed again in this current time and age should I wish to maintain the veneer of healthiness that is innately axiomatic for people within my age group. But it is not true that I once hated to be physically active; it's all because of my hypersensitive skin towards the elements coupled with the disciplined nature of organised physical education/training that made physical activity the chore that it once was. Put simply, I was unable to be physically active because I lost all control on what I can and cannot do to prevent flare ups of my skin. Now, many years from before, I'm an Aikido-ka, a martial artist undergoing fairly rigorous training twice a week of two-hour sessions. Of course my skin is the same, but with a few more years of self-control under my belt, plus a couple of daring innovations, I have managed to keep the situation mostly in check, which gives me ample opportunities to pursue my martial arts training, and more importantly, boost my self-confidence and self-image---it is hard to feel sexy with broken skin everywhere, to put it in the most blunt way possible.
But for now though, it would seem that I'm just prattling on without aim---it is not too far from the truth, but yet among the bewildering agglomeration of words lies some truth that is only thinly veiled from view by the veneer of flowery prose. I mentioned before that updates to the blog are far and few due to the reduction in the fantastic adventures that one can get in a working world, but I suppose there are still other ways of reaching these phantasms of interest. As a researcher-in-training, I suppose that my powers of imagination are still fairly robust, as seen by the fact that I am, after all, in a field where imagination and logic have to work together harmoniously to produce something that is truly magical and worthy of praise for its utility. Then of course, it is just a matter of time before I begin to relearn once more how to harness that imagination of mind to probe the nature of the world and universe at large.
The question to ask of course is how much different is that direction compared to whatever was done before on this blog? In some ways, it is more different. While I dare not claim that my posts would be more mature (maturity is something other people say, not something to be self-declared), they are more likely to be even more introspective in nature, sometimes with a hint of philosophical and moral underpinnings. In short, the posts here might just become more dry, which will of course make my already dismal readership fall into true dereliction. But to write about the goings-on in a place where one needs to be hush-hush is in many ways a logic contradiction---the really interesting things about me are probably about my life and what goes on in there, yet I am more content with sharing my head space than my comings and goings in meat space. Ergo, my work has too many NDAs waving around that it is a minefield to even talk about anything that happens in the office, work-related or not.
Alright, I can feel the need for sleep increasing. Time to knock out for the night and to dream about the possibilities of the future.
Funny how life works out sometimes. Just when you think all hope is lost, an opportunity yields itself to be within your grasp, only if you choose to take it up, of course. I don't really mean this in any metaphorical sense---such subtleties are fast lost upon me as I dig deeper into the factual world that is science. If you have been paying attention (or not, considering I do not know who is actually reading this and who isn't), you would have realised that I have been rather lost and directionless with regards to many things. But of course, by now, most of these issues have been dealt with, and I feel that familiar surge of energy that drives and pushes me forward for all the past few years that I have lived.
So what has changed in life?
Lots of things, really. New job, new life, new love, new goals, new friends, new acquaintances---it is in many ways a break from the old life that I had started to loath ever since the world crashed on me figuratively speaking. Such a break is most welcome of course, since it truly marks a new beginning for me. Now I don't have to worry about how the people of the past have treated me since I have the present to look at and the future to look forward to; odious varieties of people from #cslounge for example are but a thing of the past, and odious people from my other parts of life have been silenced like vermin crushed under the heels of a juggernaut. Surely, the clearing of such filth can be important as a means of detoxifying the soul, or at the very least, that of the psyche.
But such sweeping changes made require more than a fair share of guts and willingness to leap into the unknown---the remaking process of the self is one that is fraught with false starts and early failures, and not to mention the sheer uncertainty of the interpretations that one can take with reagards to particular facets of the issue at hand. I have dallied a little in working that bit out, but today, I finally took the plunge and cleared away the last vestiges of all that made me so unhappy for so long.
Enough of the sombre thoughts---a new beginning needs a new outlook on everything that happens. Those who have known me for long would be mildly surprised to discover that I have more or less become a person that they would never have guessed: I am more physically active these days than I ever was in the past. Part of this comes from the tacit acknowledgement that I'm no spring chicken any more, and that my metabolism is already on the decline, which meant that the ``legendary'' helpings of old cannot be performed again in this current time and age should I wish to maintain the veneer of healthiness that is innately axiomatic for people within my age group. But it is not true that I once hated to be physically active; it's all because of my hypersensitive skin towards the elements coupled with the disciplined nature of organised physical education/training that made physical activity the chore that it once was. Put simply, I was unable to be physically active because I lost all control on what I can and cannot do to prevent flare ups of my skin. Now, many years from before, I'm an Aikido-ka, a martial artist undergoing fairly rigorous training twice a week of two-hour sessions. Of course my skin is the same, but with a few more years of self-control under my belt, plus a couple of daring innovations, I have managed to keep the situation mostly in check, which gives me ample opportunities to pursue my martial arts training, and more importantly, boost my self-confidence and self-image---it is hard to feel sexy with broken skin everywhere, to put it in the most blunt way possible.
But for now though, it would seem that I'm just prattling on without aim---it is not too far from the truth, but yet among the bewildering agglomeration of words lies some truth that is only thinly veiled from view by the veneer of flowery prose. I mentioned before that updates to the blog are far and few due to the reduction in the fantastic adventures that one can get in a working world, but I suppose there are still other ways of reaching these phantasms of interest. As a researcher-in-training, I suppose that my powers of imagination are still fairly robust, as seen by the fact that I am, after all, in a field where imagination and logic have to work together harmoniously to produce something that is truly magical and worthy of praise for its utility. Then of course, it is just a matter of time before I begin to relearn once more how to harness that imagination of mind to probe the nature of the world and universe at large.
The question to ask of course is how much different is that direction compared to whatever was done before on this blog? In some ways, it is more different. While I dare not claim that my posts would be more mature (maturity is something other people say, not something to be self-declared), they are more likely to be even more introspective in nature, sometimes with a hint of philosophical and moral underpinnings. In short, the posts here might just become more dry, which will of course make my already dismal readership fall into true dereliction. But to write about the goings-on in a place where one needs to be hush-hush is in many ways a logic contradiction---the really interesting things about me are probably about my life and what goes on in there, yet I am more content with sharing my head space than my comings and goings in meat space. Ergo, my work has too many NDAs waving around that it is a minefield to even talk about anything that happens in the office, work-related or not.
Alright, I can feel the need for sleep increasing. Time to knock out for the night and to dream about the possibilities of the future.
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