Story Arc

There was a time, when people said that as one grew older, one grew more attractive, due to a multitude of reasons, some of which include the new level of maturity on both the physical and the mental front, as well as other lesser known qualities like an increase in appreciation and application of style.

It seems to me that what people said is so far removed from the truth.

All I see in the mirror, is a person who is potentially good in the field that he is in, but is one who will never be able to garner the kind of positive energy that attracts people to. I mean, there are a few people who say that there's this thing about me that is quite interesting and that they want to learn more about, but there' also this bunch of people who say that I am just some crazed bastard of sorts which is not worthed knowing.

I dunno... I seriously don't know.

Some have said that attraction is random; perhaps it is true, and if so, the RN-Gods are not doing me any good favours lately, for I am seriously repelling people more than attracting them. Stupid geeky humour is all I have, and not everyone appreciates that. Well, at least there are some people who actually find that it is cool that I can play the ocarina and the 箫, so there is at least one potential redeeming aspect of myself. But hey, almost everyone else disses the things that I do; sure I admit that I am no American or a "normal" Singaporean. The things that I do border on the fringe of multiple disciplines, and that I do not play a western instrument does not make me less of a musician than one who does.

In many a conversations with Cui, the same question keeps popping up. What makes me happy? Till date, I do not have a definite answer, though I can somehow pinpoint the general [fuzzy] region where the answer can be found. However, more recently, another question keeps popping up instead. What is "normalcy"? Cui somehow conveyed the fact (well, over the entire course of all the conversations), that eccentricity is not something that people really like, and that most are more interested in one who is more "normal" in nature. That I cannot fathom. I mean, I am hardly a normal person anymore; the things that I pursue are so off tangent from each other that it hardly constitutes a case for normalcy. For instance, "normal" people know and keep in touch with the present in terms of culture and other stuff; for me, I am more attuned to slightly older cultural beliefs and even slightly older songs. Also, "normal" people hang out and just have fun with others; I find that work is often more appealing than trying to act cool so as to blend in with a crowd.

So what do I want in life, really? An interesting question of immeasurable problems; on the one hand, I'm interested in finding a very close friend who will stick with me and love me deeply through thick and thin for as long as we live, while on the other hand I realise that it is extremely unlikely that this is going to happen, considering the fact that my nature has turned from falsified happiness to one that is of general broodiness. So all the sagas that my life has faced so far have more or less played themselves out; the various "story arcs" have concluded somewhat. The latest story arc in my life, is how to cope with the sudden darkness that is enveloping my inner self; this is one thing that cannot really be explained. Sometimes, when I look at MegaTokyo, I kinda feel a strong association with the emotional turmoil of the main character Piro; always having girls surrounding, yet always screwing things up when in the vicinity of some girl that I really like. Well, at least, the similarities kinda there until the latest story arc, where he and Kimiko are finally in some form of the start of a relationship. When I look into the mirror, my reflection stares back, and sometimes mock at me for my incompetence in something like that.

And so, it seems that it is the time of the year where people are starting to part to their separate ways again. Most of my old friends are not so accessible as before, while those who are near me start to grow distant as time passes and alliances/cliques shift. It seems like after all these years and almost 4000km away from where it all began, I am still the way that I was. Indeed, 江山易改本性难移 is a proverb that is a dead ringer for the description of what I am now.

Yes, I know, this is getting to be a long rant, and chances are, almost no one will read it. It's kinda sad... I set up this [other] blog as a conduit to do some prose-y writing, but it seems that in each passing day, all that I am putting in here are longer and longer rants about things that people don't care about. And due to my refusal to put up a cbox (because of all the nonsensical spam related with it), this blog rings hollow, like as though all I have done was to create this huge hollow box with a hole where I shout through it what I feel and it will just silently accept it, without returning so much as an echo.

So, me a dark character doomed to eternal suffering or a dark character with the potential of pulling himself out of the hell hole? I think this will probably be resolved in the current story arc.