It has been a long while since I actually went down this route. This route of self-destruction. For the most part, I have been trying to extricate myself from the complicated issues of human emotions, but as time goes by, I realise that I am failing miserably on this.
It seems that my life is fated to suffer all kinds of conflicts for time memorial.
I am having serious doubts of myself nowadays. Who am I? What I am here for? Questions that I used to really know about, but after the fateful day where I turned twenty, things just spiralled downhill. It is a hard thing to do, maintaining the usual facade and fighting the internal conflicts that keep coming on again and again.
And probably among the saddest of all, is to be maligned for things that I am not.
I hate being maligned for things that I am not. I absolutely abhor it to the core. To be maligned, is to be labelled with something that one isn't, and the sad thing is that the things that I have been labelled with are nothing complimentary. I was told, by different people at different times, that I am unimaginative, immature, unadventurous and crazy.
Zr, havzntvangvir? Gung'f dhvgr n fgenatr jnl bs chggvat vg... vs V jrer gb or havzntvangvir, V jbhyq arire unq gur punapr gb pbzr urer; vg jnf zl vzntvangvba gung nyybjrq zr gb bognva gur shaqvat gung nyybjrq zr gb pbzr urer. Pbhyq vg or gung V nz trggvat fb byq fb dhvpxyl gung V'z ybfvat jung vf ernyyl zl fgebatrfg genvg? Be pbhyq vg or orpnhfr bs gur snpg gung V unir fuvsgrq zl vzntvangvba sebz gur rkgreany znavsrfgngvba gb bar bs ynetryl vagreany.
Vzzngher? Abj gung'f n arj bar. Va fbzr jnlf, V nz qrsvavgryl jnl orlbaq zl gvzr; gur novyvgl gb ybbx ng n ceboyrz, gb grne vg qbja gb cvrprf, naq gura gb pbzr hc jvgu jnlf bs nggnpxvat gurz. Lrg, V nqzvg gung zl rzbgvbany fvqr vf yrff guna fngvfsnpgbevyl qrirybcrq. Fgvyy, na nppvqrag vf na nppvqrag. V ncbybtvfrq, ohg jung unccrarq? Gur fnvq cnegl "unccvyl" gbffrq n jubyr phc bs fbqn ng zr. V zrna, jub'f gur vzzngher bar? V znqr n zvfgnxr, V ncbybtvfrq, ur qvqa'g jnag gb yvfgra gb vg, fuhg zr bhg, naq gbffrq fbqn jngre ng zr. Abj, ubj nz V fhccbfrq gb gnxr guvf ylvat qbja? Vs gur fnvq cnegl fynaqref be nggrzcgf gb fynaqre zr, jryy, tbbq yhpx, sbe V unir ab vqrn jung V jvyy qb.
Fanccvat... V'ir orra oernxvat qbja naq oernxvat ncneg sbe gur ynfg srj zbaguf. V jbaqre, jbaqre vs vg jnf n tbbq vqrn gb pbzr urer be abg. Cebonoyl vg vf n tbbq vqrn, ohg gur abgvba bs gelvat gb "zvk jvgu gur ybpnyf" vf cebonoyl fbzrguvat gung V fubhyq erybbx vagb. Snzvyl vf snzvyl, naq crbcyr jvyy abg yrg lbh sbetrg gung. V pbzr gb guvf cynpr jvgu n urnygul erfcrpg bs gur crbcyr urer, ohg gbqnl, V yrnir jvgu zber guna n snvag qvfgnfgr jvgu gur oerrq bs crbcyr gung V nz jvgu.
Hanqiraghebhf naq penml. Gbgnyyl snyfr, ng yrnfg sbe gur svefg cneg. Nqiragher jvgubhg pnhgvba vf abg nqiragher; vg vf hacynaarq naq gbgnyyl haarrqrq, cnegvphyneyl vs vg vaibyirf fbzr sbez bs qnatre. Nz V ernyyl penml? Cebonoyl, V'ir arire orra dhvgr fnar gb fgneg jvgu; V'ir nyjnlf orra cerggl rppragevp, naq guvf rppragevpvgl unf nyjnlf orra obeqrevat ba gur iretr bs vafnavgl.
I can't stand for fools. People who can understand what I say, I respect. People who are competent, I respect too. The type of people that I have disdain for, are those who think that they are really good and not listen to advice, but when in actual reality, they are anything but that. I can't wait to return home in summer; it is the place where I belong, and it is where my solace can be sought.
When next semester comes, things will be much better. Most people will be out of sight, and when I deactivate my facebook account, they will also be out of mind. I do not need to make lots of friends wherever I go; I just need a small group who are close enough and I will be fine. In this foreign land, where family is family, and everyone seeks to remind you of that, I only managed to find two such groups of people, but it won't matter. I should learn how to cherish these people, and forget about those who are messing up my life.
With such rants out of the way, it's time to refocus my energies not on rebuilding friendships that were never to be, but to do well in the finals and push myself to an even higher level than I ever was. People come, people go, the worst will never stay, while the best will never go.
I do not belong here.
No comments:
Post a Comment