It is a while since I last wrote anything here, and for good cause. There's just so much that is happening in life right now that I... don't really want to think too much about it. Except things are never like that---what we refuse to acknowledge can and most definitely will hurt us if we are not careful about things.
I basically had a whole week of disasters of some sort---I think I turned a few friends into foes, dug deeper into my shell, got stood up by almost all the events that were supposed to happen last week, and got hit with bad news all over the spot, realised that I made a few dumb mistakes prior to everything... well you get the idea.
Life still sucks.
Sometimes I look at myself in despair, and wonder why things are so. Occasionally during those moments I feel like just crying to let out all that uncontrollable stress and tension, but I realise that it has gotten to the point that I no longer know how to cry.
Great. Just great. Already I do not know how to smile, and now I don't know how to cry either. The next thing I'll learn might be that I cannot be angered either.
But as usual, I digress. Despair in life seems to be a relative concept I suppose. Situations are moral-less fixtures---whether the situation is good or bad is highly dependent on the perspective in which the situation is being viewed from. Thus, it is completely likely that the same situation is both positive and negative simutaneously, but I think it probably requires a truly objective mind to identify this duality.
I doubt I have that sort of mind, however. Something about just vacillating between good and bad affect just seems to make it such that I'm literally dominated by emotions to a certain extent. Don't get me wrong, I still operate by logos; it is just that I found that some moments are best dealt with using pathos, and to keep logos as far as possible.
Again, I digress.
I have just read a nice book---maybe I will write about what I read next time.
3 comments:
You know, much of your anguish seems to revolve around this central question of the "Purpose of Life" without actually directly referencing it. I might be off the mark but questions like "what's the point of doing so and so?" such as "What's the point of keeping friends?" "What's the point of pushing them away?" "Life seems like a dream, what's the point?" "Why does life suck?" kind of give that impression away. I'm sure you realize, this is a rather religious question (that may or may not return an answer of 42.)
People in the scientific community seem to be accustomed to reject all theologies without question, however it is probably true that they have not survived without reason and have most likely come into contact with the issues you face or people with similar issues. Even if one were not do adopt a theology, perhaps you could draw some wisdom from them, if you were so inclined.
Meh, maybe it'll be useful. idk
I would agree with you wholeheartedly on this. I am channelling feelings of confusion over the purpose of life, inasmuch as I refuse to state it out loud. That's because all the avenues that I thought I could get an answer from have started to fall apart onto themselves as time dragged on.
I thought my purpose in life was to serve the people as a whole, but it would appear that that idea is at best misguided and the whole premise of ``for the greater good'' seems to be erroneous on my part. I thought my purpose in life was to love someone wholeheartedly and unreservedly, and to give her everything that I had to offer, mind, body and soul, and look where that got me.
I am slowly turning down a path that I really don't want to go---to actually seek deeper wisdom from the past sages. I know what they have to offer, I know what the answers are; I've been studying them for quite a while. But perhaps I have too much material attachment to this realm, and that is a reason for my delusive suffering on what is the purpose of life.
Perhaps the question is not to answer the purpose of life, but to reinterpret it as, what do I want to do with my life. I think that suffering so that others may benefit is starting to become rather passé; no one gives a damn about the whole ``righteousness'' crap any more. Seems like the hedonists are having a field day and maybe I should just join in their mindless frolicking...
But the superego is unwilling to accept that longing from the id. The superego crushes the id with its might, and the ego is trapped between the clash of the titanic forces. I know the right path to salvation---I refuse to embark on it just because there is so much that I can do in this realm that I still want to do.
But I think maybe I have digressed much...
Joining the mindless frolicking doesn't strike me as a good idea. There's the significant problem of diminishing returns. Also, doesn't Hedonism essentially boil down to fulfilling Maslow's Hierarchy in order? Also, one might argue that the your explorations of avenues so far have been blind grabs for peace of mind, a step up from their mindless frolicking.
IMO serving the greater good is a very difficult thing to do in truth. It's a good thing to do, but if one does it for the recognition of righteousness, one isn't really serving the greater good, but rather the desire for recognition.
Loving someone wholeheartedly and unreservedly is similarly difficult. To love unreservedly implies that one's own happiness depends on the happiness of the beloved, how ever that happiness may come to be. But generally people desire some reciprocation. On the other hand, it is just such reciprocation that engenders and increases love in the first place, in the ideal case causing positive reinforcement.
I somehow feel like "what is the purpose of life?" and "what do I want to do with my life?" have the same semantic content. Resolving either one to a satisfactory level would necessarily resolve the other. Reinterpreting one as the other doesn't make progress in my opinion.
But, if you knew the answers, wouldn't you be applying them? Maybe the sages have more to offer. The moment we decide we know something is the moment we stop learning more, though I don't know if that applies to you.
My several cents.
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