Spooked

So I am basically rather spooked. This morning, when I woke up, I found that the only thing I could remember was that I was sobbing in my dreams, and someone was hugging me only in my dreams to tell me that things are alright. Of course, the strange thing was that it wasn't any random person, but a particular #cslounge denizen (she shall remain unnamed, though by this description, I have radically reduced the set to something that is rather small to enumerate).

I don't know what my unconscious/subconscious is trying to tell me here. Is it trying to tell me that things are alright? Or is it telling me that it is feeling rather sad that I'm all alone and single and things like that? Or is it telling me somehow that even though I am somewhat ambivalent in terms of emotion, I am actually not in really good shape and thus it is trying to reassure me?

So many interpretations available, each having enough merits to suggest that it is the ``right'' one. But these are all just interpretations of a dream---there is hardly any way of ascertaining which is the most ``correct'' interpretation of them all.

I suppose I don't really know what my unconscious/subconscious is trying to tell me after all.

And yes, life. The last few posts were rather erratic in content---expect this one to develop in a similar fashion. I just find that as the days go by, I end up being grouchier and grouchier, either as a result of people leaving or as the cause of people leaving, where by ``leaving'' I do mean in terms of getting less involved with me in my sorry life.

I don't know... somehow it feels that the people that I once thought I know are like strangers to me now---I hardly know what they are thinking anymore. Maybe I'm turning into a more cynical person having had my emotions ``toyed'' with and my heart torn and smashed into smithereens. Or maybe these folks are like me and have changed their form into something that is much different from before.

What makes this time period special is that this time, I am truly alone. The old support network that I used to rely on to help me get back on my feet is no longer existent due to a variety of reasons, the most striking of which is that people gradually drift away into their own lives. Let's face it---I'm nowhere near any of those people whom I claim to be a part of my support network, so the tendency to drift away eventually is natural.

Besides, if the law of reciprocity were true, this is yet another natural application of the law, since the folks who made up my support network have hardly seek advice from me. Call it karma or dharma (cannot remember which is the correct technical term).

Perhaps it is the time for a revolution of sorts, a reorganising of life, the changing from one phase of life to another. I had more or less foresaw this quite a while back, and perhaps that's why I'm still rather calm as compared to the most obvious reaction I would have a few years back. Well, perhaps not that calm---I still some have some strange macabre thoughts involving blood-drawing and death, but they are not disruptive enough to be considered anything more than a lapse in judgement due to exhaustion from thinking; bottomline is that I'm somewhat calm, and most certainly calm enough to just get things done.

I think that the hot and humid weather doesn't really help much in calming the mind and the soul---there's always this sticky layer of perspiration that clings on the surface of the skin. That said layer is not thick enough to disintegrate into sweat droplets (and thus fall off said skin), nor is it thin enough that it will evaporate fast on its own. Overall muggy feeling---that must contribute to some aspect of the crabby feeling.

Life progresses I suppose, in one way or another. I'm not consumed by an obsession to find a girlfriend and/or get laid, nor am I desperately seeking nonsensical distractions to keep my mind away from things like that. I'm just deciding to take a step backwards and outwards, to withdraw a little into my shell, and contemplate about the next moves that I want to make.

The world's a cruel place man... anyone who says otherwise is either too damn rich or too damn good a liar...