August Cometh

August. A month that promises much more work than before as things start to kick into full swing with all the projects ramping up to their actual speeds. Since Saturday, I have gone mostly cold turkey with coffee, and am surviving on a slightly less potent source of caffeine, namely green tea. Actually that isn't the whole story either, since I also consume other more ``herbal'' concoctions like the flower teas (hibiscus, chrysanthemum and chamomile). Surprisingly, apart from the massive headache induced partially by a nasal infection and partially by the withdrawal symptoms, nothing much came from it.

So what's new right? That's the question that everyone likes to ask. Nothing much at the moment, perhaps some new thoughts from introspection. Firstly, recall the previous post (and the relyric). The more I listen to it, the more I am convinced that it is highly descriptive of my general situation with regards to the relationship front with females. I do suffer from thinking that I'm matured enough to handle a relationship, and at least in the earliest cases, I did declare a commitment to love to the girl whom I was dating. What a fool I was. At least I started to wise up a little, especially from the last one---I used an alternative L-word that was more accurate in describing my feelings, namely ``like'' instead of ``love''. And of course, I definitely have my moments where the strong emotional need was what that drove me towards initiating a relationship in the first place. This is amply evidenced even in the semi-public entries of this blog, so I shall spare my own embarassment of bringing up the instances here. So what do these all mean? My choice to stay out of things like that seems to be even more justified than before---I think I'm starting to understand what Cui meant by ``knowing what I like first'' or something like that. In spite of my humble boastings of knowing myself pretty well, I think that even I have some places that I'm currently incapable of exploring alone, and perhaps that temporarily taboo place is defining what it is that I like in general, from my career path, to the type of mate I am looking for. I suppose these deep and rather subjective portions are sufficiently alien to me that I am unconsciously fearful to tread and explore. This is where having access to a therapist would be useful, but this place being Singapore, if I did seek a counsellor to talk about these things, it would probably end up as being yet another attribute for people to add stigma to.

Self-exploration. I suppose that's why these days I'm a little more introspective than before, as I consciously and unconsciously dig deeper into my psyche to discover all these things that have never really surfaced before. Perhaps once I can figure out what these things are, I will be in a better shape to get involved in relationships again.

Secondly, I got a Dingoo A330, a portable gaming console that works by having a ton of emulators on it. It's a nifty device with a decent battery life of around 8 hours (reported). Helps keep those compiling/simulation times less boring and stressful.

I'd write more, but I'm really tired and it is really late and it is a work day tomorrow.