Keep pushin'

It's a Sunday over here. Dreary looking morning, but things are still going fine.

I feel a little humbled and sad that people don't really care about my poetry blog. Am I really that bad a poet, or is it just people not knowing of its existence? Maybe I should avoid doing so much free verse and should really tihnk about writing according to the various poetry rules---perhaps by doing so, the technical merits of the poems will override the rather whimisical nature of its contents.

But anyway, I am going to be so glad when this semester is over. So many things to do; I am hating myself for taking two project-heavy courses. They are driving me nuts, especially for the final course projects, since those eat into whatever time I have to think about things in general. And of course, the mismanaged expectations of what am I doing here---am I here to clear ``course requirements'' or to do all-out research? Such confusion over roles are probably things that many of the first year PhD students probably don't have to worry about, since their trajectory is less challenging than the one I had chosen.

The one that I had chosen. I must remind myself that being here is a personal choice, no one told me to come here, no one said that I had to get a PhD. I made the choice on my own volition, and so I should live up to my choice. My plans, my dreams... I only took up Computer Science as my speciality because I wanted to be a researcher. If I couldn't be a researcher, I would have taken EEE and gone on to be an electrical engineer or something just to make enough money to live on. In fact, too many circumstances have been actively discouraging me to be on this programme---the fact that I am still here is testament to what I truly want. But I have a flaw. I keep taking things that happen around me as ``signs''. People come, and they have left---I take it as a ``sign'' that perhaps it is not my karmic destiny to be here. I face roadblocks of all sorts when trying to get here---I took it as a ``sign'' again that it wasn't meant to be and that I'm going against the order of things.

So much irrational superstition from a ``hard'' scientist, eh? Hell, I'm ashamed of myself for even thinking like that at times. But I digress.

Just gotta keep pushing.