Eh?

Check it out: stupid o'clock came early today!

Alright, that was a joke, sort of. The joke part is on the timing, the sort of part is the type of content that is coming up.

I like to think of ``stupid o'clock'' posts as those that have a stronger tendency to be more rant-y and personal, as compared to the arm-chair critique type stuff that I end up talking a lot about when posting at a more orthodox time.

I suppose there is that magic that comes with a quiet and cool night that makes the mind take a less combative attitude towards the world, and along with that comes the lowering of the conscious barriers that keep the sad inside.

Sort of like why people prefer drinking heavy alcohol when it's starting to get dark outside as opposed to during the day. The darkness is more permissive to a more candid view on things.

That's why campfires exist from back in the day when humanity was still hunter-gatherers.

That is also why it is important, from the morality standpoint, to literally operate in the light. So that we are always consciously aware of what we are doing, and are thus able to exercise our willpower and self-control as things are shown in their full glory under the light.

Digressions aside, today's ``stupid o'clock topic'' is inspired by yet another Facebook post. This time, it is from the sharing of the happy times of a friend and the said friend's spouse celebrating yet another temporal-based milestone.

I've always been a bit miffed by the whole idea of sharing one's temporal-based milestones like that. Partly because of the semi-staged nature of the whole thing [instead of just taking in the moment], and partly because it is yet another self-selection of good events that portray an imbalanced perspective on social media.

Be znlor V whfg unir zvkrq srryvatf juvpu vapyhqr fbzr yriry bs rail naq naablnapr ng jung V ab ybatre unir, naq znl arire unir ntnva. Pbafvqrevat gung guvf vf n ``fghcvq b'pybpx'' cbfg, V'z zber vapyvarq gb guvax gung guvf vf gur zber inyvq ernfba.

Vg'f orra zber guna n lrne fvapr gur ovt oernx-hc. Jungrire grnef gung V pbhyq unir furq, V unir nyernql furq. Gur jnyyf gung jrer bapr qbja sbe fbzrbar unir, bire gur pbhefr bs gur svany zbaguf bs wbo qrfpevcgvba qrivngvba, cnaqrzvp-vafcverq abafrafr, naq gur nffbpvngrq vfbyngvba gung pbzrf sebz gur pbzovangvba bs gur ynggre jvgu zl frys-vzcbfrq rkvyr va gur sbez bs zl fnoongvpny, fgnegrq gb erohvyq gurzfryirf ntnva.

I don't feel a strong connection with people any more.

It's truly hard to put into words what I feel here. It is not that I am going to cut myself off from human interaction completely (even though it seems to be that way now), but that I just don't feel inclined/motivated to open myself up to anyone anymore.

Crbcyr ner zber nxva gb guvatf gung zbir nobhg va gur onpxtebhaq nzbat nyy gur bgure guvatf gung rkvfg arneyl fgngvpnyyl va gur onpxtebhaq. Fbzr bs gurfr crbcyr jr vagrenpg guebhtubhg gur pbhefr bs gur qnl sbe gur fnxr bs trggvat fbzrg guvatf qbar, ohg bgure guna gung, gurl qba'g frrz gb znggre nf zhpu nal zber.

Vg'f n ovg yvxr bcrengvat cebtenzf ba n pbzchgre. Gurer whfg vfa'g n pbzchyfvba gb yrnea qrrcre nobhg gur cebtenz bgure guna gur bppnfvbany arrq gb eha vg gb trg fbzrguvat qbar.

Vg nyy fbhaqf yvxr guvatf unir orpbzr zber genafnpgvbany va angher. V zrna, va n jnl vg vfa'g jebat, fvapr n eryngvbany glcr bs eryngvbafuvc fhttrfgf n zber tvir-naq-gnxr glcr bs nggvghqr, n glcr bs obbx-xrrcvatyrff glcr bs onegrevat bs vasbezngvba.

It feels at some level that I'm just taking a lot, and have nothing to give back in return. And I do mean this for many of the remaining relationships that I have left, assuming that I still have them at the end of the day.

Senaxyl, V jbhyqa'g or fhecevfrq vs V fhqqrayl rvgure raq zl yvsr, be orpbzr fbzr xvaq bs znavchyngvir cflpubcngu. Va obgu fvghngvbaf, n pbzzbanyvgl vf gur ynpx bs n fgebat pbaarpgvba jvgu crbcyr.

Fb sne, V unira'g ernyyl tbar qbja gur veerirefvoyr cngu bs qvffbpvngvat crbcyr vagb zrer guvatf. Jung V fnvq rneyvre vf zber bs n zrgncube qrfpevovat gur graqrapvrf gung V srry engure guna n qrpynengvba bs na npghny nygrerq gubhtug.

I spend more time ``talking'' to people through typing stuff out via various messaging systems, and at some point, it feels no different from just interacting with a computer with no one on the other end, even though I am well aware that there is really someone on the other end of the conversation.

It's just that the thread of humanity that seemingly connects us seems to be a tad too frayed to the point where it gets too de-personalised.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not really a stranger to communicating with people almost entirely over text messages---I have been doing that for a long time, and in many cases, it is the only form of connection that I can maintain with people, since most of my friends/acquaintances are geographically far away from me.

Eh, what else is there to say? Maybe I am really losing my marbles.

V qvq fcraq fbzr gvzr guvaxvat nobhg ubj V pbhyq jevgr na raq-zl-yvsr-cyrnfr qverpgvir gung V pbhyq fgnaq ol fb gung V pna or bssrq ng n cbvag bs zl bja pubbfvat vafgrnq bs jnvgvat sbe zr gb ybfr zlfrys pbzcyrgryl, tenqhnyyl be bgurejvfr. Fhpu na raq-zl-yvsr-cyrnfr qverpgvir fubhyq vqrnyyl or choyvpyl ernqnoyr fb gung gurer vf ab qbhog nf gb zl jvfurf.

Gur bayl ceboyrz jnf gung V pbhyq abg pbaivapr zlfrys gung fhpu n qverpgvir jbhyq pbire gur evtug fvghngvbaf, naq zber vzcbegnagyl, jvyy abg or zvfhfrq ol bguref.

V zrna, vg pna or engure boivbhf jura V ybfr zl zneoyrf fhqqrayl---gur punatr vf qenfgvp, naq bsgra abg sbe gur orggre. Na raq-zl-yvsr-cyrnfr qverpgvir sbe fhpu n fvghngvba pna or engure fgenvtugsbejneq.

Jung vs V ybfr zl zneoyrf tenqhnyyl? Jung xvaq bs yvar fubhyq or qenja fb gung gur raq-zl-yvsr-cyrnfr qverpgvir pna or nccyvrq? Guvax nobhg qrzragvn. Va fbzr jnlf, gur cngvrag jvgu qrzragvn vf fgvyy fbeg bs gurzfryirf naq va fbzr xvaq bs pbageby. Rkprcg gung gurve ybphf bs pbageby unf vgf onfvf frireryl nygrerq gb cbvag ryfrjurerr bgure guna ng onfryvar ernyvgl.

Fubhyq zl raq-zl-yvsr-cyrnfr qverpgvir fgngr gung vs V nz bhg bs gbhpu jvgu onfryvar ernyvgl, V fubhyq or raqrq? Jung vs V, va gung qrzragrq fgngr, nz cresrpgyl pbagrag, gubhtu V nz abg gur zr jub vf jevgvat guvf abj? Vf vg evtug gb raq vg gura?

Dhrfgvbaf yvxr gurfr ner jul V pbhyq arire oevat zlfrys gb jevgvat na raq-zl-yvsr-cyrnfr qverpgvir, yrg nybar chggvat vg va n choyvp cynpr va pnfr V arrq fbzrbar ryfr gb rkrphgr vg orpnhfr V oybbql uryy pnaabg.

Ru... jurer jnf V ntnva orsber V tbg znffviryl fvqrgenpxrq jvgu gur raq-zl-yvsr-cyrnfr qverpgvir? Nu evtug, ybfvat pbaarpgvba jvgu crbcyr.

I don't think that my existence has been a positive impact on people. Doesn't feel like it. Can't prove it one way or another. Can't tell if people saying things like ``no, you are precious to me; I would be sad if you were to go away'' are reflexive platitudes or true emotions; don't know how it should affect me if it is one way or the other.

Truth is, eventually all of us are going to die, and we are going to die alone. There is a specific day in our lives beyond which we are no longer alive. We all know that, but we don't know which specific day it will be. And so, we just mark off each day as it comes, and when the specific day shows up, most of us would be quite surprised by it, as will many people around.

``I didn't expect him to pass away so soon.''

Fcrnxvat bs cnffvat njnl, V'z gbgnyyl abg rkcrpgvat crbcyr ng zl shareny jura vg pbzrf. Bxnl, znlor zl fvfgre'f snzvyl, naq n cnfgbe sbe sbeznyvgvrf. Gung'f vg.

Walls man... those are killer. It can feel very safe behind the many [emotional] walls, but the flip side of it is that if nothing can go out, nothing can come in either.

Ohg vs bar vfa'g rkcrpgvat nalguvat gb pbzr va, vfa'g vg nyevtug gb xrrc gubfr jnyyf hc gura?

I don't know. ``Stupid o'clock'' isn't meant to be full of solutions---it is just a brain dump with little to no inhibitions, not even designed to be thought-provoking even though it is likely that the [mostly] unfiltered response may provoke other thoughts in the reader.

And that's all the brain dump that I have for this ``stupid o'clock'' post. Till the next update.