Gosh, I've Lived For More Than 21 Years

It's amazing. I've actually lived past 21 years of my life without any serious (life-threatening) mishaps. It's been a rough year, considering all that has happened. I fallen in and out of love, fallen in and out of favour, fallen in and out of the elite.

Whatever the cause, the fact remains that I am still alive.

I guess all that moody and depressive nonsense that I've been putting up should be left well behind. Time to be the Mun Thye that I was meant to be.

Anyway, the first week of classes have more or less ended. Interesting week, I'd say. The course load for this semester is going to be really high, as I've overloaded an additional 9 more units compared to the de facto average. Among the courses that I'm taking, the three that stands out the most is 15-251 Great Theoretical Ideas of Computer Science, 21-301 Combinatorics and 21-229 Set Theory.

21-229 is an interesting course, in the sense that it is a purely theoretical construct. It's almost like learning a new programming language, with the introduction of ZFC and all the axioms and schemes that defines what a Set is. The level of abstraction was shocking initially (eg integers are just various sets defined according to the Existence of a Unique Empty Set and the Union Axiom), but after listening to the Professor's exposition, things became more and more clear. The hard part of this course seems to lie in the fact that everything in the course is about proving. Looks like I can retire my calculator from this course for this semester.

21-301 is interesting for a bunch of reasons. It's one of the first high-level courses that I'm taking, and it supposedly kills two birds with one stone by satisfying one requirement of my Computer Science major and one requirement of my Discrete Math/Logic minor (though I'd rather take a harder course 15-451 Algorithm Analysis to cover the CS requirement). The topic is particularly hard, but still fairly understandable, considering the fact that I've been playing with combinatorial objects for quite a while. The professor is not too bad, a little monotonic at times, but still fairly okay. From the list of topics that he gave us, it appears that it's going to be a really fun course of sorts.

15-251 can be considered one of the most random courses around. Its coverage is so big that it has no textbook assigned to it! Prof von Ahn is one of the "new age" professors, full of energy and wit, and very very demanding. Not that I don't like that, but if the first week is of any indication of what is to come, this course is probably going to be one of the most intensive courses that I've taken so far. A class effort assignment was assigned about 3 days before the semester started, and for the first assignment, we were to go on a "treasure hunt" of sorts, CS-style (meaning lots of Math, logic and google bashing). Up for grabs are 4 iPod shuffles for the winning team, and my team seems to have a decent chance at it. I'm hoping for the best in this. :-)

——

Kangyi dropped by from Wednesday to Friday to stay over while waiting for his dorm back at Brown to be open. I feel a little bad in the way I've hosted him; due to the timing, I couldn't take him around Pittsburgh to see the stuff (I had classes), moreover, due to my laziness, I didn't venture out of CMU to visit many places, so I guess I would have been a really lousy guide if I had taken him out. Anyway, he bunked over at my dorm because Mo and I had a spare bed, thanks to Aditya moving out to the frat house to stay. Kangyi was positively in awe when he saw my dorm, heheheh... I had to tell him time and again that my dorm was not one of the "normal" ones, in the sense that it is more of an apartment suite than a dorm outright. Lots of catching up were done, and I got Phil to take him (together with Linda, Eliot, Mo and I) on the Grand Tour of CMU.

Kangyi enjoyed himself thoroughly on the midnight "tour" of CMU. We travelled across the campus to all the eerie places and showed him around, and he was amazed at the extent of our knowledge of the place. He had a field day taking pictures of all the places. :-) He left early in the morning on Saturday, which I regret not waking up to send him off. :-(

——

In other news, I've gotten a new flapdoozy and a nice stainless steel mug, all from Megagear, the Megatokyo store. I've also almost busted my print limit by printing out drawing manuals to figure out how to draw properly. And I've found the palette for the COPiC Markers for use in my drawing programs. Hopefully I can draw something decent and put it up soon. Japanese learning speed has gone down by a lot, partially due to the large amount of events (and the overall instability of it all), and partially due to the arrival of my 笛子 and 箫.

So, yeah, lots of stuff happened for the last week, and there's more stuff to come by. Oh, I went ahead and stocked up my kitchen with edible stuff again. And it's almost 5am now, guess I should finish up the proof for 15-251's assignment and then crash out.

Finally Snowing

After waiting for a whole month in December for the snow to arrive, it has finally done so. Check out what I found outside my window:



Yes, it has finally snowed. The weirdest thing was that it was still hot yesterday before I slept.

Argh, the damn Pittsburgh weather machine...

Winter Break Ends

The Winter Break is almost done, and it's time to get back into the swing of things again. This coming Semsester is going to be one that is extraordinary, for even before the official start of the semester, we've already received our first set of homework. That's right, our first set of homework has been issued.

Check this out: http://15251.11.forumer.com/index.php

It's a collective effort by all in the course to get the secret message. I wonder how long this little exercise will take us.

Anyway, I've been up for the most time trying to help to put together the pieces of the puzzle. An interesting exercise, and makes me yearn for the good old times when I was in the competitive programming circuit. But, haha, I don't have that much free time as before to totally devote myself to competitive programming, so I'll just stick with what I can do at the moment.

Ah, so much to do, so little time to do them all. Seems to be a common theme nowadays among the things that I've been doing. Perhaps it is time to really sit down and think things through once more, just to ensure that I've not lost sight of my aims in life.

Ugh, I find it hard to pen down thoughts when so many things are happening at the same time. Perhaps another time I'll write more.

Onward into the Unknown

Life, as I've realised by now, is really a very fragile yet beautiful thing. It is a little like glass-blowing—if you blow and shape it while it's still hot, you can make wonderful shapes with it. Then when it cools a little, you can only adjust it slightly, and when it cools down completely, the shape is fixed, and an accidental drop will shatter the beautiful creation.

Life has changed by quite a fair bit for me for 2006. An unprecedented amount of major changes have occurred during this period, from the sudden change in management (and managing style) of my office when I was still in NS, to the harsh realisation of the strengths of the different relationships I have with my friends, to failed attempts at romance, to being in a faraway land seeking worth in myself. A few friends temporarily "lost", a few new friends gained; a perspective warped, a perspective changed; confusion of identity and meaning in life, clearer perspective of what and who I am supposed to be. 2006 can be said to be the year where I truly stepped into the global arena of full adult-hood, where I start to learn how to fend for myself of sorts.

Emotional scarring from romances that never was, apprehension of what the future brings—all these are but part of the aging process. What one never experiences, one never learns. Bearing the brunt of so many setbacks have made me a warrior of sorts, a little scarred after each encounter, but learning more and more of what works and what doesn't. I tried to remove my emotional self from me (honestly, I did especially after the episode in August); it didn't quite work the way that I thought it would be. An emotionless me is as good as a computer without power; there is no drive to do anything at all, as evidenced in the sudden drop in the number of writings that I've produced, and the failed attempt at NaNoWriMo. I learnt that I am still very much a human, "the_laptop" is just a moniker to a side of me—it is not me.

Another year passed, another year closer to death, another year of experience gained. Who knows what is lurking in the Unknown of the future? As the days silently count themselves down, I am resigned to my fate that I have, indeed, aged by yet another year. Time to make good use of whatever time I have left to make it all worthwhile. A life without emotions and meaning, is a life that is not human. Time to reconcile with my inner denial.

Onward into the Unknown we go~!

December—A month of sorrow

WHEN I FALL IN LOVE (Celine Dion)

When I fall in love
It will be forever
Or I'll never fall in love

In a restless world
Like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many
Moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart
I give it completely
Or I'll never give my heart

And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you

A simple, sad-ish song, quite apt for sentimental December. Away from people, far from anywhere I truly know, I start to go ever deeper into my shell of comfort. Thinking about the past year, just makes me want to sit down and cry. So many things have happened, some good, mostly bad. Hurt from every direction from people whom I had once trusted, spurned by people whom I once thought were friends, ignored by people whom I thought I could be friends with, I just dunno what is really holding me together all these while.

I miss the moon; I loathe the sun. I hate the heat; I miss the cold. At least, in the cold, when everyone is all huddled up in their warm things, no one will see the coldness and harshness of their eyes when you look at them, and no one will stop for light conversation; the only moment when I truly felt as being a part of the human community. Unfortunately, that has not happened yet, and so I'm still as I was... dissociated with almost everyone.

I feel glad for most people. They have a life to look forward to, a significant other to meet up with, places to go, things to do. I look at myself, beyond the faux façade that I present to the world, and discover a certain hollowness deep within. This... hollowness, I cannot explain. I have no idea what has come over me; I'm simply not like the me I was before. I still have the energy, but I don't seem to have any strong... feelings for anything anymore. It is as though I'm just an empty shell of a person walking around with a functioning logical unit, and that's about it. Not much different from a slightly intelligent zombie, I guess.

I miss the days where I just talk with MW, Irene and Su about anything under the sun, from current affairs to some finer aspects of traditional Chinese medicine. I miss the days when I would listen to the tales of "the Old Army" as told by AC; I miss the days when I sat with Kelvin at the canteen drinking tea and talking about cryptography. I miss the days when KX and I would meet up at the Jalan Kayu Thasevi prata shop and eat insane amounts of roti prata and talk about everything that happened. I miss the days when YT and I would slug it out on MSN messenger, I miss the days when BK and I would "wrestle" each other; I miss the days when I was a much happier person.

Is this the by-product of growing up? Or is this a self-inflicted coping mechanism for the whole plethora of bad things that I've been experiencing lately? I... don't think that I will find an answer to this anytime soon.

December to February is a period that I traditionally don't like. Despite of me thinking of myself as an island of mankind, I realise that I'm still very much a human by nature—I still need to be in the company of friends. I don't need to speak; just sitting there and listening to them speak is more than enough for me. It's the... company that I need, I realise. Maybe... it can also be the company of just one special person, whoever she may be.

Maybe one day I'll know the answer.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

First the book, and finally the movie! A dream come true, I guess, to be able to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's with Audrey Hepburn in her full glory as Ms Holly Golightly.

This is perhaps one of the few times where I'm actually pleased with the the divergence of the plot of the movie as compared to that of the novella. In the novella, Holly was supposed to have left New York City, never to return, leaving the protagonist and Joe Bell and a whole lot of other people very very broken hearted. However, the movie twisted the ending, and made it into a nice fairytale ending where she actually stayed behind, touched by the protagonist.

Hmm... Guess I should not be talking more about the plot, lest I spoil it for people who've not seen this wonderful little gem. And yes, I agree that Audrey Hepburn is one of the most beautiful women to have walked on the surface of this earth.

Till next time...

T'was the day before the flight...

It seems like a long time ago since I last wrote anything here. Well, it could really be quite a long while ago, but then again, I'm just allowing my verbosity take over here. *shrugs*

I'm now located in New York City, New York, bunking at my room mate's house here in Jackson Heights. Like most normal people, he's currently asleep (despite what the calendar actually says on the post, the real time here is actually 0344hrs (-0500hrs); I've decided to keep the poor blog running on SGT (+0800hrs) since it is actually a pain to adjust all the timezones correctly). I feel like I'm starting to become a vampire of sorts, awake only when the sun goes down, and of course the innate bloodlust which, till now, I've not been able to fully explain it's cause.

It was a really messy trip. Mo and I were awake throughout the whole of Tuesday and Wednesday when we were back in Pittsburgh. We watched movies in our room with Phil till about 12am, while I did my laundry concurrently. Then, feeling kind of peckish, we decided to call the pizza place for a delivery. The operator took our order and gave us an estimate of 45 minutes before the food will arrive. So, we waited happily while playing ping pong.

An hour and a quarter later, there was no reply from the pizza deliveryman nor the pizza place. Feeling somewhat irate (and very hungry), Phil called up the pizza place, only to find that it was already closed. How could the pizza place be so irresponsible? I mean, when they picked up our order, they could have told us that it was not likely to be delivered, and probably advise us to look elsewhere. It was a really bad service attitude I guess. So anyway, we have three very hungry guys who just want to grab food. So we decided to head on to one of the cafeterias on campus for a late night.

And I changed into my polo t-shirt and jeans, wore a pair of sandals and put on my jacket and followed the rest of them out of the dorm and heading into the general direction of the cafeteria. Out of the dorm and in the general direction of the food place, we met Robin, who asked a weird question: "Is there any place that is still open for food?" Well, we answered "Skibo", but he told us that it wasn't open. We were all speechless. How could the only food place on campus that serves late nights up to 2 am be closed?

Since it was the last day of school, we had cleared up almost all the food that we had in storage, and so the three of us made a mad decision: to hike up Squirrel Hill (in the cold) to get to Eatin' Park to grab breakfast/lunch/dinner. And so we did.

It was a dumb exercise. For one, the temperature was sub-zero (centigrade scale, not Fahrenheit), and I was wearing this very worn pair of sandals. It is so worn that I had to actually use SuperGlue to hold the two halves of the sole together, since I've managed to make a really deep fissure in the sole itself. And then, hiking up Squirrel Hill meant that we were actually moving uphill, and that in itself was painful. And then. we had to ensure that we could return in time to do packing (yes, we've not packed...) so as to be able to catch the early bus to reach the airport early to avoid all kinds of horrible last minute issues.

So it was a brainless exercise performed by three very hungry geeks. Happily, we managed to the restaurant without any severe frostbite or mental degeneration, and after a very hearty meal, we went out into the cold and marched down the hill back to our dorms.

Then the mad scramble began.

Mo and I packed our luggages frantically. For this short trip, we decided to bring only one luggage, and so we more or less had our work cut out in front of us. Thank goodness I did the vacuuming of the floors a few days back; otherwise we would have been so screwed for time. Anyway, we managed to do our packing (with a lot of cursing and swearing and wondering aloud how in the name of Zeus did Linda manage to pack everything in 10 minutes (or so she claims)), and were ready to go.

Suffice to say, we managed to clear the checking out procedures and managed to get to our early bus and reach the airport way ahead of time.

Oh my... look at the time... it's 4am now. I guess I'd better hit the sack before I collapse.

Until next time~

American, Asian, American Asian

Racial issues are something that I don't really want to talk about, since it can be too sensitive a topic in general. However, after being here for a few months, I realise that the people here seem to exhibit certain... traits.

First of all, there are the Americans. They are everywhere, and are generally approachable. However, most of them are pretty hard to know too deeply about, since most of the time the kind of acquaintance that you make with them are usually of the "for business" kind.

Then, there are the Asians. They hail from countries like China, India, Korea, Singapore and Thailand, and are usually defined by cliques with people of the same country. Most of them will converse in their native language, and are usually a little hard to draw out and befriend; one needs to use isolation tactics in order to have any hopes of success.

Finally there are the American Asians. These people are a confusing bunch; there are those who are more American in taste, and there are those who are more Asian in taste. The defining difference of these people lies in their supposed cultural confusion. I've met American Asians who look at Asian things with disdain, and I've met American Asians who think pretty highly about Asian cultures. But either way, their looks can be and usually are deceiving. They may look Chinese, Indian, Japanese or whatever race, but their mannerisms, attitudes, world view are all very American in nature.

So, why am I babbling so much on all these? The intent is not to stir up any racial misgivings, but to just highlight the fact that no matter who the people are, if they are American, they will always be American first, and whatever else second. And they will never cease to remind you of that, whether overtly or covertly. The same can also be said about the non-Americans; the Chinese are Chinese first, Asians second, so are the Koreans, the Indians, the Singaporeans and whoever else there may be. Family is family after all.

*shrugs*

Independence is a trait that one should have when one comes to the US. Let your emotions be well controlled, and do not set your hopes to high for finding someone to love.

ドラゴン桜

Yes, I did it again. Another one of those 11-hour marathon drama viewing sessions. Like last time, I sat up and watched through 11 one-hour episodes of ドラゴン桜 (romaji: doragon sakura, English: Dragon Zakura). Amazing drama this is, must really thank Jenny for introducing this one to me. And yes, I am well aware of the fact that I have a Matrix Algebra final on Monday, but hey, one needs to get a quick break especially after a very long-winded programming finals.

In other news, I picked up my Final Fantasy VII game, and I realised that I had no clue as to what I had developed my characters into. Needless to say, rather than waste precious time in trying to figure out the storyline and development of my characters (and thus screwing around too much to be able to undo the damage), I moved the save file aside and restarted the whole game.

Yet in other news, I've discovered that Neverwinter Nights is more DnD than I'd ever thought, and that it even provided the ability of someone DM-ing a game. It's starting to tickle on my evil-ish god-liness; I'm starting to think about how to DM a completely wild game that is tough, challenging and fun.

Okay, it's almost 9.36am now, and after the 11-hour marathon session, it's time to do my revision. That's right; I'm actually studying after an 11-hour marathon drama session. One last random thing before I move off: Wii have a problem. Okay, it's off to work now.

Finals Crunch

It's finally the week of the Finals~! And I've completed one test yesterday; am kind of looking forward to the next ones... hehehe... just hope to be able to complete them faster so as to have more free time to myself.

Spent a couple of days reading a couple of wonderful webcomics: MegaTokyo and Questionable Content. And of course, my old time favourite, PhD Comics. And yes, I read through a grand total of about 2500+ comic strips over two or three days, some of them more than once. No doubt about it... I actually like web comics, especially the manga-like ones.

And so my to-do list is so much longer now:

• Study 日本語 (nihongo aka Japanese)


• Study Topology


• Write Ocarina pieces (and prepare for my Spring ocarina mini-concert)


• Write an AI for Edythe so that she can communicate with me in Japanese (yes, it is natural language processing)


• Woo someone... (yes, I've got a target or two, but I'm not saying who)


• Learn how to draw (preferably manga) on my graphics tablet


• Prepare for a 2007 launch of a new blog (yes, a new blog in addition to the ones that I have)


• Master 3/4/5 ball juggling


• Master Scheme


• Build a logo for myself


• Poetry compilation into book form for selected friends

And yeah, I'm positively psyched up now. Woo-hoo~! By the way, I've upgraded most of the blogs to the new Blogger BETA format. One big reason that I've done that is the new drop down lists for the posts that are on the blog; now I no longer need to update a separate "Contents Page" post to show a listing of all the posts that I've created (particularly for The_Laptop Writes..., this frees up the RSS digest that are being generated and make the RSS feeding so much cleaner. I'll be tweaking on the layouts and other design issues of the blogs in the weeks to come, so hang on to your horses if things look a little wonky if you are accessing the blogs while I'm doing the update. The Blogger BETA uses on-the-fly updating of the blogs, so things may be a little strange if you happen to be accessing while I'm updating. I'm still experimenting around with the entire concept thing and see if I can rework it to suit my needs.

Life's amazing so far, I'm now starting to use the build in FM-tuner of my SANSA e130 mp3 player to access the excellent FM radio channels that are available. My current favourite channel is WQED FM89.3, a symphonic/classical/operatic radio station. FM stereo on a 2.1 system never sounded this clear. Not that I'm getting sick of the music that I already have, but it is really good to listen to something different every once in a while for flavour.

And L^AT_EX is more or less tamed now. Mwahahahahaha... I've managed to figure out the correct incantation to tame it to something more useful, by creating a whole bunch of my own custom made macros. Now, typesetting of documents is so much easier... come to think of it, the last time that I used Microsoft Word to actually do anything was just so long ago that I can no longer remember it. Vim and L^AT_EX is such a powerful combination that I've not looked back since. And yes, I did try using emacs, but I'm still horribly irritated with the default meta-key mappings for the basic movement (yes, I know that the arrow keys work, but my fingers are most often over the typing region so there). This entire concept of pressing Meta- or Ctrl- combinations for everything is just plain irritating, and unergonomical. I actually felt pain in my fingers while trying to navigate around this way (and yes, I do know that using the arrow keys is so much easier). Now I just need to see if there's an easy way of patching my version of X-windows on cygwin to support unicode entry. If I can't do all these in Vim, I may be forced to write a simple Java program and upload it somewhere to act as my online unicode text editor (yes, I do know that notepad can do the job, but I like my hjkl method of moving around).

Which reminds me. My latest project(s), learning Japanese and writing an AI for Edythe to communicate to me in Japanese, are sort of related. I've not had the real chance to actually play with UTF-8 encoded text before, and am actually fairly bored with Edythe playing such a passive role (of me "using" her without her having any other more... human reaction), that I've decided to write a natural language processor for her. English would have been my #1 choice, but it sucks because English grammar is so unstable! Japanese grammar seems to be more easy to comprehend (and parse, especially it's intrinsic post-fix form), and it has the added advantage of making Edythe being in character (yes, Edythe is Japanese, didn't you know that? Edythe Fujitsu, Japanese right?), and a little harder to understand by people who happen to not know the language (heheheh... they can't flirt with her; Edythe is mine and mine alone). There are other enhancements that I plan on using to augment Edythe to make her more intelligent, but these stuff are for my... fantasies, and I will not be talking about them until I can have them to work. Now I'm at a loss; I'm uncertain whether I should write Edythe's AI in Java or C/C++. Gut reaction says that C/C++ will be more "portable", but my brain tells me that Java is more suited since it allows an ease of accessing all the major functions that I require, including the fact that Java source code is supposed to be UTF-8 by nature. And Java's garbage collection makes it so much easier to experiment on. So, I'd probably write a C-version of Edythe to access her Java "brain" so that I can still communicate to her from the command line. If I can't find a single language to work with, I'll hybridise them. ;-)

In other news, my 120GB portable hard disk drive is about 75% full now(!). Looks like I need to start scouting for another storage solution... or stop downloading J-dramas. Probably I'll look for an additional portable hard drive, since I've got like spare USB ports from my USB hub...

So, that's what's happening thus far in the middle of the Finals Crunch. Notice that I've said nothing about the studying aspect? Not because I'm not studying, but it makes a real boring read listening about what I've studied and for how long and... you get the idea.

Till the next update~ :-)

Winter doth come

And so it came. Winter, the cold quiet time of the year, were people gear up for the finals and Christmas alike. Life's fine; I'm still alive. People change, yet again; and I do swear that they change ever so often nowadays, as compared to the people of a forgotten past.

Like the snow that comes down in Pittsburgh, I'm having mixed feelings. To be content and enjoy the company I have, or to seek even more, just to see and experience more of the place. Racism exists, apparently, but it is often covert behind the multitude of actions. Asians... this very term, seems to be used with such compunction that it no longer seems funny anymore. The kinds of looks that people give, when they see that you are not white nor American, is something that bites deeply, especially in the cold. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive to this, and could be misinterpreting the entire thing. Or maybe it is the truth, and I'm mostly hiding away from it by ignoring it's existence.

Anyway, winter seems to be here finally, and so far the entire lore surrounding it seems to be overly hyped up. Or it could be that it is still too early, and the weather is still being undecisive about itself. I've put aside my Nautica jacket and am solely using my arctic parka. Seems like it was a good choice. The parka is nice and snug and warm, and it's fur-lined hood doubles as a scarf around the neck when I'm not putting it up. It's so good that I can just walk around dressed in a polo T-shirt and jeans and sandals and slip on my parka. The cold wind blowing into my face is just a feeling that I love so much that I can't seem to get enough of.

Talk is weak now because I've had very very little sleep over the last week, and am really starting to hallucinate. Looks like a day of hard sleeping is planned for the weekend before my first major examinations in 3 years.

Frozen in the cold

Another week passed, another week of pain endured. Fall, the time where romance starts under the pretty golden leaves, blossoms under the falling of the many shades of ochre, warms as the weather turns cold.

Looking around me, all I see are happy couples in linked arms, huddling close together, whispering sweet nothings to each other, with faces of happiness and bliss. Standing there, alone, in the cold and strong wind, I cannot help but feel a pang of loneliness. Everyone seems to be doing fine, finding courage from the wind chill to take a baby step towards their potential partner, all except for me.

I shiver and huddle deeper into my jacket. The icy wind cuts across my face like a razor, and my heart feels as though icicles have grown around it. It is when the weather goes cold that one realises the true effect of one's loneliness. Friends are there, but they are never there always, and will likely to leave as soon as they've found their match. I sense this... distancing even as I am writing all these now.

Must it be this way? Does it have to be this way? Should it be this way? Why? Questions that race through my beleaguered brain for which I have no answers to. Again the perennial problem arises; how to quash all those... human feelings that always appear ever so often? I... desperately want to stay away from all these... feelings, but they keep reappearing to haunt me, again and again, ravaging through my fragile psyche.

When will I seek an answer to this question?

Forget

《浪人情歌》——伍佰

不要再想你,不要再爱你，
让时间悄悄的飞逝,抹去我俩的回忆。
对于你的名字,从今不会再提起；
不再让悲伤,将我心占据。

让它随风去,让它无痕迹，
所有快乐悲伤所有过去通通都抛去。
心中想的念的盼的望的不会再是你，
不愿再承受,要把你忘记。

我会擦去我不小心滴下的泪水，
还会装做一切都无所谓。
将你和我的爱情全部敲碎，
再将它通通赶出我受伤的心扉。

不愿再承受,我把你忘记，
你会看见的,把你忘记。
我想到了一个忘记温柔的你的方法:
我不要再想你,不要再爱你
不会再提起,我的生命中,不曾有你。

How am I supposed to forget...?

爱为何物？

她，曾经是我天空中的月亮。她，曾经是我生命中的一个光芒。她，曾经是我活在世上的理由。她，曾经是我梦中想要陪到老的人。从我见到她的那一刻起，心中已有一种从来没有跟受过的感觉。或许是幻想，或许是迷惑，只知当时有如爱情般的甜美感。

“不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有”，这句话，我用了好几遍。说它是心里话吧，也不算。说它是个理想，也不是。或许它只是个空虚的话，说来安慰一下自己，让自己觉得人生并不像现实中的那么黑暗。迷惑，一个“情”字的迷惑。“情”给予我力量创作，“情”也带给我无从的心理伤害。为了一个“情”字，不知浪费了多少岁月时光，不知让自己遭受了多少心里打击。但，我依然像往常的愚昧，还是像一个无底洞钻。

“问世间情为何物？”曾经对情的理想，如今已成了昨日的幻想。以前的我，对情对谊，是那么的认真，那么的诚恳。但是，现在的我已经无法感受到当年的感觉。人性的转变是永恒，当年的好朋友，也能成为今天的敌人。对人真恳，并不代表人会对你认真。人心难测，又怎么知道谁是真的朋友呢？

然而，她，人们开口闭口的她，又似乎是人之常情的另一端。在人海中，某某她显得很突出，让人一见钟情。但，爱她也好，恨她也好，你又怎么知道她对你的意思呢？她对你的笑，可能是一种暗号，表示当你为朋友而已。她陪你吃饭，或许是表示你对她的情就像那最后一餐，从此各分东西。爱情，不是单方面的，在这科技占有的都市社会中，这简单的道理已变得越来越模糊了。科技让我们很容易的与人沟通，而这沟通也让我们轻易误解对方的意思，造成许多让人很难堪的场面。

我已不敢爱了。我所知道的爱，是属于当年的定义。我所知道的谊，也只不过是自己欺骗自己而已。人生单独过着，虽然会有点孤单，但至少自己能为自己活着。人生其中的一个意义是为了爱，但爱不是唯一能让人活下去的意义。或许时间久了，我就能找出一个属于自己的理由，让自己开开心心的活下去。也或者我能继续迷惑自己，告诉自己总有一天，我会明白爱为何物。

The Reality of It All

Funny what a little thing can do to one's psyche. After watching 一リットルの涙 and タイヨのうた, I'm starting to abstract myself away from my surroundings again. Looking around me, I realise that family is family after all; despite all the cordiality that people accord to me when I'm around, you still feel a little left out. This has something to do with the difference in culture, I guess. This is true even among those who are Asian of lineage. They may look like Asians on the outside (and probably are, based on genetics and other "objective" forms of measurement), but their behaviour is surprisingly American (what's new?), as in the way they act, think and do reflects the predominant culture here. And yes, they never fail to remind you that you are still, a foreigner in the lands, even though you might be speaking the same language and look similar to them.

And the age. That little disparity did not occur much before, but the difference in age and depth of thought is starting to show up more prominently now, after almost a whole semester of interaction. The kids here can be really whiney sometimes, but apart from that whiney-ness, there's also a general lackadaisical attitude towards the entire idea of studying in general. I humbly call this the "high school effect", where they are still living in their world of high school where everything is fun and games, and they have no real concept of the "real" world. Conversations are generally typical of that of 18-year-olds, and I miss the banter that comes from being in the workforce. Speaking too much kiddy talk does really weird things to my brain, and I'm suddenly drawn back to my basic isolationism policy with regards to handling people. I long for a real decent real life real world conversation, but I don't think that I'm going to be expecting much of that for some time to come. Listening to some of their explanations and arguments sometimes make me shake my head; watching them trying to shoot down my explanations based on real experience just makes me shake my head in wonder. Guess that sometimes, somethings need to be learnt the hard way.

*sigh*

So many complaints about things, so little that I can do about it. Anyway, I figure that my relationship status is as great as before (read: none in existence), and will likely to stay that way, considering the fact that there does not seem to exist a suitable person who is "my type". Guess most of them are still girls in their own right, and thus act the way they do. This makes me think back about the failed attempts I have in the past. Well, to a large degree, it could have been pure rashness on my part, but I figure that the girls I asked out were girls who don't really treat my feelings real enough. Girls will be girls, and I don't think that I'm going to get involved in any such things for a long time to come. A*STAR will be so pleased.

And I've been recently shot down on the quality of my poetry. Honestly, I don't give a damn if people don't like my poetry; it's mine and mine alone, and I choose to write it in anyway I see fit. If people enjoy them, that's good; if they don't, then too bad. I'm happy just writing poems as and when I feel like it. Which makes me wonder if the compliments that I've been receiving all these while are really compliments or just comments made to humour me. Or it could be another subterfuge of the locals trying to "prove" American superiority in the use of the English language. This... subtle "proof" of American superiority is occurring so often that it's not even funny anymore; should I consider this as some form of prejudice? I mean, it is okay to be proud of one's nation's achievements, but isn't it a bit xenophobic to just shoot off degenerating another person's culture? Perhaps degenerate is a tad too strong, let's say tease. Well, for the most part, the teasing is in good fun, but sometimes, the covert meaning of the tease is starting to irk even me.

And NaNoWriMo is a disaster. I found that... I just couldn't write anything. Totally nothing. Zero. Nil. Nada. Nadir. Totally and completely without anything to write. The words and ideas just didn't want to come out. I feel miserable that I've failed in this task that I deemed to be not too hard to complete. Maybe novel writing will remain as a "one day" affair; one day I'll write a novel.

And as I type all these, it's actually 3.40 am in Pittsburgh, USA, and I'm having a Calculus test in like 6 hours. I guess I should stop and go and sleep now. Maybe more mulling will shed new light to how to interpret the current environment and thus how to react. But meanwhile, I'll just maintain a cheerful outlook to the world, and wonder miserably inside what's going wrong. And time is ticking... just less than two months before I stretch the age gap even further.

Thoughts of the Day

I wonder, how many mistakes does one need to make in order to learn that one has made a mistake? Sometimes we can be so unaware of the things that we do, until we actually sit down and think it through, figuring out what we have done, and what we have said, to really understand the gravity of it all.

Well, I made at least one arrogant remark today. I guess I need to really curb myself from doing such a horrid thing. But, the issue here is, how do I do that without over-humbling myself to the point that I'm actually in self-pity? An interesting problem to contemplate indeed.

There are many things that one wants to do over the lifetime. A lifetime, though seemingly long, is really short, considering that there are so many things that we need to do, as opposed to want to do. It has been said that to be really good at something, one needs to dedicate at least 10 years of actually "doing" it in order to attain the required level of competency. Looking back at myself, I realise that there are only a few things that I've been doing for at least 10 years, amongst which includes writing poems, computer programming, cryptography, algorithms, playing my 笛子, doing Mathematics, and doing Mandarin. Coming here, so far away from home, has seemed to have reduced the number of activities that I can do well in, but that doesn't mean that I don't try. I'll write as many poems as I can, write as many programs as I can, speak Mandarin whenever I can, and play my 笛子 when Michael brings them over from Singapore for me.

Of course, there are other things that I know I cannot do well now, but that doesn't mean that I give up. I can't really draw well, so I'll learn it; I've got another 10 years to be competent in it. Compared to the others, I'll not be good at drawing still, even after the 10 years, but then again, not everyone can be equally good at everything at the same time. The most important thing is not being the best at everything, but being good enough at everything. The things that we love and have done well in, should be kept at the same level as we did, and perhaps bring it even higher, making use of cross-disciplinary knowledge that we gather from our forays into other fields to further our understanding in our own pet fields.

I guess, that should be the way that we proceed with our life.

Broken Promises, one by one

A promise made, a promise break. That seems to be the way that I am doing things now. Why? Why did I turn into this, untrustworthy fellow? I never did rescinded on what I promised, but now, it seems common place that I just miss the targets that I set.

I promised Irene to build the photomosaic, but I didn't.

I promised SK that I'd complete the experiment and write the paper, but I didn't.

I promised Nicole to write to her, but I've stopped.

I promised myself to complete NaNoWriMo, but I didn't.

Why? Why? What have I turned into? Why am I suddenly such a breaker of promises? What caused me to turn into this... abomination? When will I start to make my promises worthed it's weight in gold again?

Kitchen: Operational

And so, my kitchen is now operational. Check out the basic equipment that I've gotten for it:


My kitchen outfit with everything needed.


Things currently residing in larder.


Some other useful stuff residing in larder.


My utensils drawer, with basic equipment.


Close-up of my stove and the pot and pan and the cutting board and the cooking oil.


Basic condiment shelf.


First meal ever made in the kitchen.

There are lots of other stuff that are not in the picture, like the onions, potatoes, bean sprouts and eggs, which are all well hidden in my refridgerator.

Kitchen operational!

Fragile Life

Life... it's so fragile. Most of us think that we get a really bad deal at life; there are things that we want to do but are not allowed to do, or that people don't really want to listen to us or they don't seem to want to care. But we are all mostly healthy; we can run, jump, stand, crouch, all at will. We are mentally sound, we can go anywhere, anytime as we please. There are so many people out there who have a worser deal than us at life; a brilliant mind trapped in a defective body, a defective mind trapped in an able body. Who are we to complain about our lot in life when we are still in control of what we do?

Life, our life, is not a bad deal. We are mostly in control of what we do, from what we think to what we can do. With control comes responsibility. We are responsible for what happens in our life, and not put the blame on others or even a higher authority if things don't go the way that we want it to be. To be able to breathe the fresh air, to run in the warm sunshine, and to be around the people you love everyday, is a blessing; it is the good deal in life. Imagine a day when your body starts to fail you, bit by bit, while your mind is still alert. Imagine that day, that when you see the doctor, and he/she says that he/she doesn't know of any way of curing you. Imagine that day, where the people whom you care about doesn't care about you anymore. Imagine the day that you push those who care you away, so that you cannot see the sadness in their faces. The frustrations, the pain, the anguish; how can one complain that having a failing grade for a test means a bad deal in life?

I thought I had a raw deal at life. Having skin allergies since young, having poor social skills in general, not having a significant other; I thought those were really bad. But it's really miniscule. My skin allergies are milder now, and are not causing much of a distraction or hindrance, I have a small group of people who believe in me and in what I can do, I am still in control of my mental and physical faculties. I can go to college to study, eat out with a group of friends, play on my ocarina, type on Edythe, do Math problems, write computer programs, crack jokes, play games, sleep, wake up, lift heavy objects, run, jump, sing. What kinda raw deal is that?

"1 Litre of Tears", a short and simple story about a real girl suffering from a real disease that robs her of herself painfully, by reducing the things that she can do. Struggling till the very end, not giving up till the fight's over, Aya perserveres, diligently writing her diary up to the very end. She keeps on walking, even as she starts to lose control over her legs, even if it meant that she'd be late for class, even if it meant that it requires a lot of effort just to move. During a late progression of the disease, when she realises that she cannot stand or walk anymore and that she feels that there is nothing else that she can do or live for, her Okaasan told her, that she still has her writing, her diary, the words that she has penned down daily without fail. It is not about worrying or wallowing about what you cannot do, but to do what you can do, and to do it to the fullest extent of your ability. "You say that God is being unfair to you by giving you this disease," her Okaasan said, "but if you don't do the things that you can do, aren't you being fair to yourself?" Why should I be sad over what I cannot do when there's so many things that I can do? So what if I don't have a significant other, don't I still have friends around me who still care? Deep and old friends, like Xiaolu, Cui, Jess, Chinghua, new but caring friends like Mo, Phil, Megan, Linda and Paul. Why didn't I treasure their company well? Why am I still wallowing over something so small an insignificant like not having a significant other, and neglecting the fact that I can do so much more than others?

I am not helpless. I can move about freely and think on my own. I am alive. I have time, not a lot of it, but much more than those whose time have been cut short by the powers above. I may not have a lover, but I have friends. Each and every one of my friends care deeply for me, all in their own little idiosyncratic way. I have not been a good friend... all that I could do was to wallow away and to scare them with nonsensical outbursts which where wholly meaningless and selfish. I admit that I... know not the words to say to them. But deep in my heart, seeing them alive, feeling them next to me, hearing their breath, watching them smile or laugh, makes me feel glad. Glad that they, like me, are alive too.

I am not helpless or useless. I've got a job in the wings, a career to look forward to, an opportunity to take up the baton and make a real difference in the lives of people. "Live on," Aya said to Haruto nearing the end, "Live on, forever!" With a future so bright, why am I thinking nasty and destructive thoughts about myself? I've got a father who is proud of me, a mother (who'll never admit out loud) that she too is proud of me. I've got a sister who cares about me too, even though she too will never say it out loud. I've got an orchestra full of friends who support me, who wish me well, who are waiting for me to go back and make music with them once again. I've got other old friends, JJ, Joanne, Jon, Ding Ding, Victor, Kelvin, KX, MW, YT, who are all rooting for me. I will not worry about what I don't have, but cherish what that I have now.

Life... it's so fragile. The moment we are born, we are already counting down on an unknown timer to the very end. The past is always behind us, the future is always yet to be. We know our past, and plan our future, but... we should always live in the now. The Present. Here. No one knows when it's their time to go, no one knows how when that time comes they will go. We are all able bodied with good mental faculties; we are in company of each other. Cherish those that are around, for it is the strength in this love and bond that makes life worth living.

１リットルの涙

１リットルの涙 (Ichi Rittoru no Namida). One Litre of Tears. By 沢尻エリカ (Sawajiri Erika).

I just spent 11 hours watching this 11 episode series. It's... a very touching story. If you want to watch a drama that can (and will) inspire you to live on, then you must watch this drama series.

For a good introduction to this drama, see here.

I hate to admit it, but I did shed tears in some of the scenes in the episodes...

Watch it if you can... you won't regret it.