Huh..?

I think that my tolerance to caffeine is at an all time low. I'm actually pretty light-headed at the moment, considering that I had only taken about 200ml of strong coffee at around 8am in the morning, which is a good five hours ago. I'm not sure if this is a good thing, but it seems to have the same effect on me as alcohol, in the sense that my brain feels less grounded in reality and more ``up there'' with whatever there is.

Can this be considered as a type of drug-induced escapism? Granted, it is not something of an illegal nature (last I checked, caffeine isn't on that list of prohibited substances), yet it seems to give roughly the same euphoric/carefree effect that the ``usual'' recreational drugs give. Escapism---it seems that my life is fast becoming one that is largely based on this idea, with things that I do seemingly to avoid the drudgery, to avoid the discomfort, to avoid the overall fakeness of frienship and camaraderie.

Why so cynical, one might ask. I have no answer, no answer at all. Cynicism has always been a part of my nature; it is only at those unguarded moments that I permit myself to be less so and to exude a certain contentment with the world that seems baffling to some, including myself. Cynicism is what makes me me, and perhaps that is one reason why I am starting to develop ever stronger negative emotions towards people in general.

People. Hard to live without them, hard to live with them. I wondeer why this is so. Is what I'm experiencing a cry for help that I don't quite realise, or is it something that everyone goes through at one point or another in their lives? Questions, questions, questions, but no answers are forthcoming---to whom may I address all these questions to? Is religion an answer to these vexing questions about life, humans and reality, or is there a more rational perspective that requires little of the whole ``leap of faith'' assumption? More questions that I cannot seem to answer, and I hate questions that I have no answer to.

I think the caffeine is really affecting my brain now; I can't seem to figure out just what point am I making here---it appears that I'm just content typing and typing and letting those words out of my head as though they were part of some water hosereel whose tap had just been released. So many words, so little explanation and coherence---maybe that's what I am in real life; all theory and no coherence whatsoever. No wonder my life feels like an escapism fantasy as I live from one dream to the next in reality while discarding the real dreams that I have when I sleep, the ones that supposedly reflect my true innermost needs and wants.

Needs and wants. What is it I need, and what is it I want? Am I really as fearless as I think I am, or is there something that will make me tremble in my soul? Questions, questions and more questions, and none of the answers. No more support group from now on, it seems---all those people who were a part of my so-called support group have disappeared, each doing their own things, busy with their own sordid lives, and no one has time to listen to poor old me belly-ache and to offer alternative viewpoints and solutions. Some have diverged to the point that my mere presence is enough to cause a rather vitriolic response, warranted or not. I suppose I could just damn those people, but that would be unnecessarily cruel and irrational, would it be not?

I think that now, more than ever, I really need to start to become that island that no one wants to be. To be self-sufficient in thought, to be self-perpetuating, to be self-aware. If that turns me into some sociopath/psychopath, too bad---blame it on the society, our favourite whipping child for everything that is wrong. A pity that my upbringing makes it nearly impossible for me to cause any serious harm to others---I'm sure that it would be quite an interesting if not liberating experience, and all the harm that I can do is to think myself to death. So morbid... heheheh...

Of course, in times like this where my mind is not as it is (under the influence of caffeine here, for example), I start to wonder about some other questions that I have no answer to: am I really that hard to talk to/communicate/be with? This is of course a flipping of some of the questions around---instead of blaming society like every other human does, I start blaming myself. Maybe the people of the support group left because I have turned into something that is cantankerous and hard to talk to. Memories of situations where niceness is shot down come to mind---I don't want to think about it anymore. Let 'em all perish in a conflagaration---I should just be yet another selfish person on the planet.

*sigh*

Hate, hate, hate... what's there to like about me? Everyone seems to have some form of hatred for me, be it small or gigantic. I think I'm starting to hate myself a little too, for being that pushover sort of person. Sometimes I wish this were an ancient setting, where being a hermit is actually a realisable dream. Unfortunately, with the consistent lure of modern amenities (and my current training (curse you!)), that is just not so possible.

Maybe the answer lies in complete misanthropy, dealing with people only when it is the only way to deal with the matter on hand, and having a general despise of people in generaal. That actually sounds pretty cool, but again I blame my upbringing for not being able to pull this off nicely.

Why am I so contrary today?!