Tired Rant

It's late at night, and looks like it just me, an imaginary tequila, and my trusty Eileen with which I use to write all these things here. To be had, I have actually been doing a lot of observing in between all these posts, and I suppose it is time to just unload the entire barrage of words here to cleanse it out of my mind.

V guvax V nz fgnegvat gb unir n cubovn gbjneqf gur ragver pbaprcg bs vagvzngr eryngvbafuvcf. V qba'g zvaq unatvat bhg jvgu crbcyr, pbzcyrgr fgenatref rira, ohg jura vg pbzrf gb npghnyyl orvat jvgu n pbhcyr bs crbcyr V xabj jryy rabhtu, V fgneg gb ybfr sbphf ba jung vf ng unaq, naq fgneg gb eha bhg bs guvatf gb fnl, juvpu, vs lbh unir xabja zr sebz n cerivbhf yvsr, vf fbzrguvat gung vf dhvgr vzcbffvoyr gb fdhner jvgu. V'z abg ernyyl pregnva jul guvf cubovn vf pbzvat hc, ohg nf hfhny, V unir n srj gurbevrf.

Gurbel ahzore bar vf gung vg vf n qrsrafr zrpunavfz gung V unir orra erylvat ba gb xrrc zr fnar rire fvapr zl rkrf oebxr hc jvgu zr arneyl n lrne cyhf onpx (jbj, vg fher vf ybat ntb). Fgnegrq gb abg frr gur arrq sbe gung fb-pnyyrq ``fvtavsvpnag bgure'', naq gung cebonoyl genafsbezrq vagb n trareny ncngul gbjneqf guvf jubyr zrff.

Gurbel ahzore gjb vf gung V nz fbzrjung nssrpgrq ol gur crbcyr naq gurve eryngvbafuvcf nebhaq zr, naq ernyvfr gung na vagvzngr eryngvbafuvc vf whfg fbzrguvat gung V pnaabg or vaibyirq va. Zbfg bs gur crbcyr jubz V frr jub ner va fgnoyr eryngvbafuvcf graq gb unir gur birenyy srryvat bs bireg obevatarff---gurer vf uneqyl nal rkhorenag ernpgvbaf, yvggyr fcbagnarbhf npgvba, enaqbz urnegl ynhtugre naq gur yvxr. Abar, anqn. Vg'f nyy fb... dhvrg naq nqhyg-yvxr---rirelbar frrzf gb or fb frevbhf nyy gur qnza gvzr. Vs lbh nfx zr, vs guvf vf jung orvat va n eryngvbafuvc vf nyy nobhg, V guvax V'q engure or qrnq guna gb or pnhtug va fhpu n ynpxyhfger fvghngvba bs snxr znghevgl; V nz ol angher zber vadhvfvgvir naq fcbagnarbhf, naq vs lbh jnag zr gb or punvarq gb n dhvrg yvggyr yvsr, vg whfg vfa'g tbvat gb unccra.

Gurbel ahzore guerr vf gung V unir fgnegrq gb frr ubj nyy gurfr vagvzngr eryngvbafuvcf pna tb jebat, naq gur nsgrezngu gurl oevat. V haqrejrag n pbhcyr bs oernx hcf ba zl bja, fb V'z jryy njner bs gur xvaqf bs fvqr rssrpgf gurer. Ohg gura gurer ner gubfr jub qvibeprq nsgre fbzr gvzr va zneevntr, naq gurer ner gubfr jub frrz gb unir ceboyrzf va gurve zneevntr qhr gb n fhccbfrq ybfvat bs gur fb-pnyyrq ``fcnex''. Frrzf gb zr gung guvf jubyr vagvzngr eryngvbafuvc guvat vf whfg n snepr bs fbegf.

Gurbel ahzore sbhe vf gung V guvax V nz, va trareny, orpbzvat zber naq zber nagvfbpvny va angher. Nyernql V svaq zlfrys tenivgngvat njnl sebz uhzna pbagnpg, naq rira va gur pnfrf jurer V qb unir pbagnpg jvgu bgure crbcyr, V unir xrcg gur gjb fcurerf bs crefbany naq ohfvarff snveyl pyrne sebz rnpu bgure. Gur trareny ynpx bs n ``crefbany'' fvqr vf nyfb yvxryl gb or gur ernfba jul V nz svaqvat gur jubyr vqrn bs na vagvzngr eryngvbafuvc zrnavatyrff, naq bs pbhefr vg ornef erzvaqvat gung ``vagvzngr eryngvbafuvc'' urer zrnaf zber guna whfg oblsevraq-tveysevraq eryngvbafuvcf---vg vapyhqrf sevraqfuvcf nf jryy.

Gurbel ahzore svir vf gung zl fb-pnyyrq sevraqf unir qevsgrq shegure njnl sebz zr. Nyy gur sbyxf jubz V unq bapr pnyyrq zl ``oebgure'' be ``orfg sevraq'' ner ab ybatre va pbagnpg jvgu zr, naq rira jura jr qb zrrg naq gnyx, vg vf uvtuyl fhcresvpvny, jvgu zr hapbafpvbhfyl gheavat ba gur fanex naq qbqtvat nalguvat gung vf ersreevat gb zr. Uryy, ng guvf cbvag V nz qnevat rabhtu gb pynvz gung V qba'g ernyyl unir nalbar jubz V pbasvqr va nalzber---gurer ner gubfr jub vtaber zr, gubfr jub bhgevtug ner naablrq ng zr rabhtu gung V zvtug pbafvqre ungr, naq gubfr jubfr yvirf unir pnhtug hc jvgu gurz gb gur cbvag gung gurl whfg arrq gb qrny jvgu gurz vafgrnq bs gnyxvat jvgu zr. Sbe gur ynfg-zbfg glcr bs crefba, vg vf cnegyl zl snhyg, orpnhfr V qba'g ernyyl unir nalguvat gb fnl/jnag gb fnl nalguvat nobhg zlfrys ng nyy.

Ng guvf cbvag, nyy V unir ner gurbevrf ba jung vf tbvat ba, ohg V qba'g ernyyl xabj jung gur urpx vf jebat jvgu zr. Znlor V'z birejbexrq/birefgerffrq nf jung Ivpgbe fnvq, be znlor V'z whfg gheavat vagb n qbhpuront jvgubhg npgviryl ernyvfvat vg. Ohg jungrire vg vf, vg jbhyq nccrne gung V'z snfg trggvat zl jvfu bs tbvat vg nybar---zhpu bs gur jbeyq unf nyernql sbefnxra zr, naq V'z abg ernyyl nyy gung rntre gb tnva onpx nyy gung V unir fhccbfrqyl ybfg, sbe fbzr qnza ernfba.

Fbzrgvzrf V jbaqre gb zlfrys, vs rirelguvat gung V unir qbar fb sne vf ernyyl jbegu vg ng gur raq. Rnpu gvzr n qnl cnffrf, V svaq gung zl ybsgvre vqrnyf sebz gur cnfg ner snfg rebqvat njnl. V bapr gubhtug gung zl nvz va yvsr jnf gb pbagevohgr cbfvgviryl gb fbpvrgl, ohg gur byqre V trg, gur zber V ernyvfr ubj fbpvrgl vf ernyyl shpxrq hc, naq gung bar zvfrenoyr zr jvgubhg anzr abe jrnygu pna'g qb nalguvat ng nyy. V hfrq gb guvax V jnf zbenyyl hcevtug, ohg nf gvzr jrag ol, V fgnegrq gb abg tvir n fuvg nobhg gur zbenyvgl bs guvatf, cersreevat gb guvax va grezf bs hgvyvgl vafgrnq. V guvax vg unf pbzr gb n cbvag jurer V fgneg gb unir na vqragvgl pevfvf---whfg jung gur uryy nz V? V qba'g xabj nobhg bguref, ohg V guvax V'z fgvyy tenccyvat jvgu guvf dhrfgvba fbzrjung, naq V ubcr gung bar qnl V jvyy svther guvf bhg.

*tears hair a little*

Most days I just feel tired. Tired of the drama, tired of the rat race. Tired of having to deal with people, both the smart and the stupid, tired of dealing with machines, both working and not. Tired of dragging my rotting carcass to work, tired of dragging it back. Tired of unconsciously comapring myself with others, tired of being stood up and pushed around. Tired of being maligned, tired of being yelled at for no damn reason. Tired of being tired all the damn time.

Perhaps the answer I am seeking can be found through another way.