Thank You for Your Graciousness in Putting Up with Me

Well, the day started off nice enough.

And I think I never learn because of my obstinacy and arrogance. Not ``perceived arrogance'' or ``alleged arrogance'', but just plain ``arrogance''. I do not ``choose'' to be arrogant---it is something that appears in the way I carry myself.

It's funny because here's the definition of arrogance:

arrogant

1. exaggerating or disposed to exaggerate one's own worth or importance often by an overbearing manner
2. showing an offensive attitude of superiority; proceeding from or characterised by arrogance

I say it is funny because I do not think of myself as being particularly worthy, nor do I think of myself as being particularly important. Remember that I am happy to be dead at any time, as long as it does not inconvenience other people too much, though I am too much of a coward to willingly walk towards my own death, currently preferring the more ``hopeful'' type of death that involves waiting for the natural expiry at an unknown date/time.

Probably the only thing that applies that rubs people wrongly is being of an overbearing/offensive/obnoxious attitude. So-called being ``intense''.

I cannot open my mouth: if I do so, whatever I say is considered arrogant because I try my best to reason it out based on what I have read up/learnt. I cannot keep my mouth shut: if I do so, my expression conveys a certain smugness indicating that I somehow believe that I know more than what the other person is saying.

Thus, any form of interaction will deem me as arrogant. Perhaps then the only right move is to walk away and not interact at all.

🤔

Maybe.

Or alternatively, stop engaging in what I like to do (like reading, writing, or making music), and partake in what the ``normal people'' do---be a consumer and buy all the latest gadgets, watch lots of television, have passive hobbies waiting for people to tell me what to think, engage in work that everyone can do/understand, attempt to get married, raise children, be a wage slave paying off everything until I am dead. Without the heretical thoughts put in place through all these reading and thinking, my arrogance will be curbed because I will be like everyone else.

Maybe if I fry my brain enough with different drugs, I can do that---but as it is now, I cannot see how I can change in character so drastically.

Ultimately though, I think that people are just putting up with me because they are gracious enough to. And I'm a terrible person for just living in my own little world, as done by a person who has enough privilege to do so.

Geez... just kill me already.