By now you must be wondering why I am staving off writing this entry, despite having quite a few days of delay between the last entry and this one. Well, to be honest, it is partly due to the fact that this is the magically 500-th entry and that I am also kind of unable to use the computer for quite a few days post surgery.
What surgery you might say. Well, refractive correction---'nuff said. My vision is sufficiently improved now, and even as I am typing this, I am not wearing any glasses (have not been doing do for the last 3 days). It feels kinda odd to be doing work like that without the use of glasses---it feels as though something has been missing in my life. Eh, no matter---at the very least I get to re-experience the feeling of sight before my good vision was robbed from me forever by the persistent myopic condition that affects everyone within the family.
My ability to see has been intertwined with two main forms of vision, namely that of actual refractive capability of my eyes, and the other being the psychological image processing that is done post signal-getting, i.e. with the use of imagination and combination of images. With these two techniques, I can often obtain much higher resolution than what the physical system dictates, and has allowed me to operate at times when I didn't have my glasses on, even prior to the surgery.
Now that the surgery has reduced the refractive errors in my eyes, the technique that I use has given me the ability of near-perfect vision, which is of course a good thing.
So, what about the 500-th post huh? There's really nothing special planned for it---I can't think of anything spectacular that I would really want to talk about during the 500-th post. So, this event will probably pass without any fuss of any sort, with the counter still incrementing. One thing that is interesting though, is the fact that I am still here writing on, despite facing so many problems in the past, from depressed moods to general discomforts in life/irritations at the inanity of some of my fellow earthicans. I still write on.
Writing... this is one of those solitary pursuit activities that I truly treasure a lot. I used to not like keeping diaries nor journals, preferring to bottle up everything within myself. But as time grew on, I realise that I cannot keep on living that way, since there was a practical limit to how much I can safely keep within me without killing myself from thinking/brooding too much. And then of course the blog happened, at a time where its use was on the wane, I picked up my figurative brush and started to write here. I wrote about my life, my life at-large, other people's life, the world and anything that I was interested to think about at that time. Some of these things are personal, but not to the point that I do not even want to discuss about it in public. Many of the stances/points that I talk about here are the same ones that I frequently use in conversation; they are literally public knowledge, and so I am not afriad to talk about them.
Alright... I am losing my train of thought now. I think I will just stop writing for now.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Ramble Bramble
So I've been back in Singapore for the better part of two weeks, and the one thing that I can truly attest to the city is that it is bloody hot. Thankfully though, I have more or less acclimatised to the ridiculous weather conditions, and is slowly getting more and more comfortable with the formerly excruciating heat.
I must say though, that I am starting to like the idea that I have decently good skin now. It is really nice to be able to live through the day and do things without having to feel uncomfortably itchy and dealing with cracked skin from the lack of sebum/thickness of the skin plaque itself. Sure, it is not as dry as in the US (there is this perpetual stickiness from the humidity), but at least I don't feel as uncomfortable as before. The stickiness from the perspiration and humidity is something that one can sort of get used to (taking some showers when the feeling borders upon that of pure discomfort).
That aside, the temperature here is truly abhorrent. The last time I checked my thermometer, it was registering highs of about 35 degrees Celsius, something that was never the case about 6 to 7 years ago. Many people would take this as an indicator that the world is indeed warming up due to the effects of global-warming, but to be really honest about it, the entire mechanism of global warming is not something that just came about recently---it is an action that has been in place for more than fifty years now. To say that the world has only been recently affected by global warming is like saying to an 18-year-old that he/she has just recently grown up.
But as usual, I digress.
Sitting around, waiting for work to begin, can be at times both interesting and infuriating. Interesting because I get to do things that I wanted to do but never quite seem to have the time to do so, like working on one of my multitude of personal projects. Infuriating because what I am doing doesn't pay the bills---one needs a job in order to make enough money to pay off stuff. I'm not saying that I have a ton of bills to pay now, but it is nice to be making some cash to squirrel away so that when I need to use it next time, I will have some at hand.
I've built myself a new machine. She's an Intel Core 2 Quad Core Q9550 with 8GiB of RAM, 1TB hard disk, NVidia Geforce N9600GT graphics card on a Gigabyte motherboard with a 21.5" Samsung LCD display. Her name is Elysie---kind of related to Elyse (differs by one letter!) but sufficiently different. Everything about Elysie is excellent---she runs on Windows XP x64 edition for gaming and the standard Xubuntu 9.04 distro for the main operating system. The only thing that I need to figure out now is how to ssh to Elysie from outside the LAN; this is an issue that is compounded by the rather strange and draconian way in which the ISP implements the IP address mapping; hopefully I can figure this out soon enough.
Well, that's all for now, I suppose.
I must say though, that I am starting to like the idea that I have decently good skin now. It is really nice to be able to live through the day and do things without having to feel uncomfortably itchy and dealing with cracked skin from the lack of sebum/thickness of the skin plaque itself. Sure, it is not as dry as in the US (there is this perpetual stickiness from the humidity), but at least I don't feel as uncomfortable as before. The stickiness from the perspiration and humidity is something that one can sort of get used to (taking some showers when the feeling borders upon that of pure discomfort).
That aside, the temperature here is truly abhorrent. The last time I checked my thermometer, it was registering highs of about 35 degrees Celsius, something that was never the case about 6 to 7 years ago. Many people would take this as an indicator that the world is indeed warming up due to the effects of global-warming, but to be really honest about it, the entire mechanism of global warming is not something that just came about recently---it is an action that has been in place for more than fifty years now. To say that the world has only been recently affected by global warming is like saying to an 18-year-old that he/she has just recently grown up.
But as usual, I digress.
Sitting around, waiting for work to begin, can be at times both interesting and infuriating. Interesting because I get to do things that I wanted to do but never quite seem to have the time to do so, like working on one of my multitude of personal projects. Infuriating because what I am doing doesn't pay the bills---one needs a job in order to make enough money to pay off stuff. I'm not saying that I have a ton of bills to pay now, but it is nice to be making some cash to squirrel away so that when I need to use it next time, I will have some at hand.
I've built myself a new machine. She's an Intel Core 2 Quad Core Q9550 with 8GiB of RAM, 1TB hard disk, NVidia Geforce N9600GT graphics card on a Gigabyte motherboard with a 21.5" Samsung LCD display. Her name is Elysie---kind of related to Elyse (differs by one letter!) but sufficiently different. Everything about Elysie is excellent---she runs on Windows XP x64 edition for gaming and the standard Xubuntu 9.04 distro for the main operating system. The only thing that I need to figure out now is how to ssh to Elysie from outside the LAN; this is an issue that is compounded by the rather strange and draconian way in which the ISP implements the IP address mapping; hopefully I can figure this out soon enough.
Well, that's all for now, I suppose.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
A Bit About Love...
Love. The motivation that can either make or break a person. One mathematician claimed that love or specifically the dynamics surrounding love can be modelled using differential equations, with fairly reasonable predictive powers; the caveat is that there are a few parameters that require ``estimation'', which is scientific-speak for ``we need to guess that one''. Love is also the fascination or abhorrence of both science and social science alike, with people of all fields trying to make sense of this concept that has permeated throughout society.
To me, love is both an enabler and a disabler. It enables quite a few of my senses and intuitive feeling, while at the same time disabling a few of my lesser traits. My sensitivity to my significant other is heightened, while the general closeness I have with people is a little more dull. I feel more than before, and try not to think too hard on matters of the heart, leaving the task of decision-making and understanding to the other parts of my being. As stated by a psychologist before, a person is more than just what he/she thinks---there are additional dimensions that transcend that of rational thought, and it is this transcendence that allowed me to appreciate the ``softer'' sciences. But I digress yet again.
I thought I have loved before, but that turned out to be a sham, a moment's confusion in the grand scheme of life. I think I am in love now, and I regret that I have to push that thought aside, for fear that I am not truly in love but in love with the thought that I am in love. Reaching deep within my very being, I find that there is this warm fuzziness inside each time I think of Ida. That fuzziness comes not from the thought that I am in love---it is something altogether different. The probability of us being together after this year of separation is statistically low, with many anecdotal evidence that the whole long-term thing not haqving good prognosis and all, but in spite of these terrifying historically-backed data, I still feel strong enough to carry on this relationship. I haven't have the foggiest clue where I am getting all these strength from, but I am not really going to question that.
So, love, what is it actually? For sure I know what it isn't: it isn't lust, it isn't about calling each other every single day, it is not even about caring about each other more than anyone else in the world. What love is is something rather nebulous to define; the best working definition that I have now is that love is trust and communication---the trust that one gives another person when one's heart is handed to them, and the communication that allows all the magic to happen.
I think I am a bit too abstract today... must have been all the problem solving on Project Euler...
To me, love is both an enabler and a disabler. It enables quite a few of my senses and intuitive feeling, while at the same time disabling a few of my lesser traits. My sensitivity to my significant other is heightened, while the general closeness I have with people is a little more dull. I feel more than before, and try not to think too hard on matters of the heart, leaving the task of decision-making and understanding to the other parts of my being. As stated by a psychologist before, a person is more than just what he/she thinks---there are additional dimensions that transcend that of rational thought, and it is this transcendence that allowed me to appreciate the ``softer'' sciences. But I digress yet again.
I thought I have loved before, but that turned out to be a sham, a moment's confusion in the grand scheme of life. I think I am in love now, and I regret that I have to push that thought aside, for fear that I am not truly in love but in love with the thought that I am in love. Reaching deep within my very being, I find that there is this warm fuzziness inside each time I think of Ida. That fuzziness comes not from the thought that I am in love---it is something altogether different. The probability of us being together after this year of separation is statistically low, with many anecdotal evidence that the whole long-term thing not haqving good prognosis and all, but in spite of these terrifying historically-backed data, I still feel strong enough to carry on this relationship. I haven't have the foggiest clue where I am getting all these strength from, but I am not really going to question that.
So, love, what is it actually? For sure I know what it isn't: it isn't lust, it isn't about calling each other every single day, it is not even about caring about each other more than anyone else in the world. What love is is something rather nebulous to define; the best working definition that I have now is that love is trust and communication---the trust that one gives another person when one's heart is handed to them, and the communication that allows all the magic to happen.
I think I am a bit too abstract today... must have been all the problem solving on Project Euler...
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
I Feel A Little... Illuminated
Full circle huh. So this is how it feels to be a graduate... somewhat bittersweet, somewhat at a loss of direction and words. At yet another major outcome in life, I find myself standing at the checkpoint in pensieve thought once more, trying to figure out what is the best course of action for the things that I want to actually achieve this life time. In many ways, I am really happy to have graduate from one of the hardest computer science programmes in the world, yet in some other ways, I feel a certain indescribable forlorn when I realise that the happy days of the undergraduate years will not come again another time.
Indeed, I did talk about how I never did like goodbyes, citing mostly how the goodbyes themselves overwhelm the psyche with the sense of loss. But today, as I stand before the global stage as a fresh graduate from Carnegie Mellon University, I seem to have a different sense of purpose, like the veil of ignorance have finally parted just a tiny sliver so that I can view the world with a much clearer view. This newfound sense of purpose is rather astonishing to me, and when I actually sit to reflect upon it, I find that in many senses, I have indeed grown up as a person.
The air of calmness that permeates within my mind is something that I have learnt to truly enjoy; as a counsellor once said, I was basically ``at one'' with myself, being able to relax into my entire being and enjoy the sensual comforts, and not just be dependent upon my reasoning faculties. I like this feeling of being able to just ``sink into myself''; it just makes things appear really clear and all the swirls of doubt seem to not mean anything any more. Sometimes I wonder if this calmness will lead to me being lackadaisical and shy away from what I need to do, but the distinction between being ``driven'' and ``motivated'' starts to come into play here. The same counsellor told me that a driven person sees nothing but the goal, and works only for the goal, after which he/she has nothing else to look forward to; there is a strong ``push'' forwards, with little experience actually gained. It is like a surfer charging through the waves, skimming on the superficial, and reaching the end in record time. But the motivated person is like a surfboard that sinks a little deeper into the water, moving forward by virtue of momentum, with energy used only to gently redirect itself. The pace seems slower, but the experiences are richer and more fulfilling from a personal perspective.
So I was a driven person. I push myself hard on many fronts; I still do, actually. But now I have grown to appreciate that life is more than just trying to push forward really hard---the very notion of ``forward'' is nearly impossible to define, since everyone is doing things that vary tremendously even among people who are seemingly within the same field. The only true competition is the self---did I learn more at the end of the time period than what I knew before, or did I learn less? For every smart person out there, there exists some other person who is smarter---there is no universally ``smartest'' person in the world. Why challenge people who are leagues above when one's abilities are nowhere near their match? Challenges are important, but why spend the opportunity cost trying to vie for the impossible when the same amount can be spent in the betterment of the self?
Interesting questions to think about. I feel a little... illuminated.
Indeed, I did talk about how I never did like goodbyes, citing mostly how the goodbyes themselves overwhelm the psyche with the sense of loss. But today, as I stand before the global stage as a fresh graduate from Carnegie Mellon University, I seem to have a different sense of purpose, like the veil of ignorance have finally parted just a tiny sliver so that I can view the world with a much clearer view. This newfound sense of purpose is rather astonishing to me, and when I actually sit to reflect upon it, I find that in many senses, I have indeed grown up as a person.
The air of calmness that permeates within my mind is something that I have learnt to truly enjoy; as a counsellor once said, I was basically ``at one'' with myself, being able to relax into my entire being and enjoy the sensual comforts, and not just be dependent upon my reasoning faculties. I like this feeling of being able to just ``sink into myself''; it just makes things appear really clear and all the swirls of doubt seem to not mean anything any more. Sometimes I wonder if this calmness will lead to me being lackadaisical and shy away from what I need to do, but the distinction between being ``driven'' and ``motivated'' starts to come into play here. The same counsellor told me that a driven person sees nothing but the goal, and works only for the goal, after which he/she has nothing else to look forward to; there is a strong ``push'' forwards, with little experience actually gained. It is like a surfer charging through the waves, skimming on the superficial, and reaching the end in record time. But the motivated person is like a surfboard that sinks a little deeper into the water, moving forward by virtue of momentum, with energy used only to gently redirect itself. The pace seems slower, but the experiences are richer and more fulfilling from a personal perspective.
So I was a driven person. I push myself hard on many fronts; I still do, actually. But now I have grown to appreciate that life is more than just trying to push forward really hard---the very notion of ``forward'' is nearly impossible to define, since everyone is doing things that vary tremendously even among people who are seemingly within the same field. The only true competition is the self---did I learn more at the end of the time period than what I knew before, or did I learn less? For every smart person out there, there exists some other person who is smarter---there is no universally ``smartest'' person in the world. Why challenge people who are leagues above when one's abilities are nowhere near their match? Challenges are important, but why spend the opportunity cost trying to vie for the impossible when the same amount can be spent in the betterment of the self?
Interesting questions to think about. I feel a little... illuminated.
Friday, May 08, 2009
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Last...
I have been meaning to write this entry for days, but there is just so much to do in between that it makes me want to sigh many times over. It has been a rather pensieve week to a large degreee, since there are many ``lasts'' that happen this week.
It is the last week of the StuCo I am teaching this semester, namely ``Introduction to Traditional Chinese Music''.
It is the last week of my undergraduate classes.
It is among the last times that I get to hang around campus.
How strangely does time fly. It has been about 3 years since I first stepped foot off Singapore and ended up here in the US, in Carnegie Mellon. I recall many memories from that time, both good and bad. Fresh out of National Service, head swooning from the almost zealous interactions with a horde of new people, I was a much different person then, perhaps a little more naïve, a little more ``pure'' than who I am now. I believed in so much more then, in life, in relationships and in career. Burnt on many fronts based on what I once believed in, I find that as time went on, my entire belief system was systematically deconstructed and rebuilt as my undergraduate career progressed. Now I believe in far, far less than before, ever more skeptical about human nature, ever more wary about things in general.
Sometimes I ask myself, have I strayed from my ``goody-two shoes'' role that I was playing for quite a long while. And as time wore on, I find that my answer became more and more complicated. As a psychologist might put it, I am in the process of rediscovering who I really am, and as a part of that rediscovery, some of the old values have morphed into different ones now. Perhaps I am even more ``unfitting'' with the culture back at Singapore, having been exposed to much more liberal values over here than before. Perhaps the mere fact that I get to make my own decisions here is sufficient to convert me from a purely conservative viewpoint to one that is more liberal in nature. Don't get me wrong, I am still somewhat conservative at heart, but that social conservatism has much of its irrational factors weathered away by the constant exposure to the liberal aspect of life.
So what next? Work first, and then other things will fall into place, I guess.
It feels good to have some control over your life.
It is the last week of the StuCo I am teaching this semester, namely ``Introduction to Traditional Chinese Music''.
It is the last week of my undergraduate classes.
It is among the last times that I get to hang around campus.
How strangely does time fly. It has been about 3 years since I first stepped foot off Singapore and ended up here in the US, in Carnegie Mellon. I recall many memories from that time, both good and bad. Fresh out of National Service, head swooning from the almost zealous interactions with a horde of new people, I was a much different person then, perhaps a little more naïve, a little more ``pure'' than who I am now. I believed in so much more then, in life, in relationships and in career. Burnt on many fronts based on what I once believed in, I find that as time went on, my entire belief system was systematically deconstructed and rebuilt as my undergraduate career progressed. Now I believe in far, far less than before, ever more skeptical about human nature, ever more wary about things in general.
Sometimes I ask myself, have I strayed from my ``goody-two shoes'' role that I was playing for quite a long while. And as time wore on, I find that my answer became more and more complicated. As a psychologist might put it, I am in the process of rediscovering who I really am, and as a part of that rediscovery, some of the old values have morphed into different ones now. Perhaps I am even more ``unfitting'' with the culture back at Singapore, having been exposed to much more liberal values over here than before. Perhaps the mere fact that I get to make my own decisions here is sufficient to convert me from a purely conservative viewpoint to one that is more liberal in nature. Don't get me wrong, I am still somewhat conservative at heart, but that social conservatism has much of its irrational factors weathered away by the constant exposure to the liberal aspect of life.
So what next? Work first, and then other things will fall into place, I guess.
It feels good to have some control over your life.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Mortality
So usually, I live a life where I feel as though there is some vague semblence of having some control over it. But sometimes, some events occur and then I am rudely reminded of the stark mortality that surrounds me at every turn.
Perhaps I might be oversensitive to some regard, or perhaps there is more that I know that I am not letting on to the rest of the world. But some times, when the feeling strikes me, I feel that I know what is going to happen, despite not really knowing/able to prove what is truly going to occur.
It has been a long day of sorts. I am starting to become weary as the day drags out longer; each time I lie in my bed, I don't really want to get up and get things done. Some call it senioritis; I call it lackadaisical.
Looking for a new drive in life---I guess that is one way of putting it. Perhaps the permonitions that I have had are completely and absolutely false, and that things are not as bad as I always make them out to be.
Perhaps.
Perhaps I might be oversensitive to some regard, or perhaps there is more that I know that I am not letting on to the rest of the world. But some times, when the feeling strikes me, I feel that I know what is going to happen, despite not really knowing/able to prove what is truly going to occur.
It has been a long day of sorts. I am starting to become weary as the day drags out longer; each time I lie in my bed, I don't really want to get up and get things done. Some call it senioritis; I call it lackadaisical.
Looking for a new drive in life---I guess that is one way of putting it. Perhaps the permonitions that I have had are completely and absolutely false, and that things are not as bad as I always make them out to be.
Perhaps.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Autograph Book
So unlike most times when I would be leaving a place, I am not asking people to write in my autograph book (yes, I am that old to have such a book). It is not because I don't like people writing in that anymore, but that it becomes increasingly socially unacceptable for the practice to continue. That coupled with the ``hi-bye'' relationships that I have with most of the college/university populace, it makes it even more silly to get people to write into that book of mine.
And I think I probably didn't bring it over either, since I have more or less planned not to get this done ahead of time.
But why an autograph book? Many who know what I am talking about will think that it is populated by all kinds of ``nonsense'' which mean nothing say 20 years from when it was written. Yes, I am referring to the myriad of ``personal'' information like one's favourite dog/cat/camel/llama/colour and other mundane things like that. Well, actually, my book has few if not none of those crap. Most of the writings in the book are inspiring in some sense, and sometimes when I feel really down, those words are among the most uplifting that I can get my hands on. I'm probably one of the few people left from that era who has kept a ``proper'' autograph book that I am proud to show to people whom I trust.
And of course, I digressed too much. The question, ``why an autograph book'' can be seen as a means in which I literally obtain feedback from people. It does sound rather strange, doesn't it, soliciting feedback from people about my state of affairs. But it is rather interesting, since sometimes the people write something that is much different from what they act, and through these words one can sometimes tell who is indeed a friend and who is just pretending to be a ``friend''.
Oh the vagaries of life! Reading the articles in the book brings back so many random memories about the people, most of which I have not seen since then. Like memories go, some are good, some are bad. The few that are truly interesting are from [surprise surprise] my teachers back in the day. I guess their words are more delightful to read because they have seen much of the world as compared to the bunch of us who were still young students then, and thus have a wealth of wisdom that is not easily found among my peers. One trend that I do realise is that as time goes on and the people whom I request [politely] to write in my book get older, their words get more meaningful and personal, almost as though through magic my peers have decided to shed their exterior persona projected upon the world and to communicate with me on a personal level.
Life can be a pain if you choose to live without any support at all, be it friends or family. If you are that one person living in this world by yourself, perhaps you might realise this truth sooner so that you won't fall into the abyss of oblivion where your sanity decides to take a long hike down 20,000 leagues under the sea.
And I think I probably didn't bring it over either, since I have more or less planned not to get this done ahead of time.
But why an autograph book? Many who know what I am talking about will think that it is populated by all kinds of ``nonsense'' which mean nothing say 20 years from when it was written. Yes, I am referring to the myriad of ``personal'' information like one's favourite dog/cat/camel/llama/colour and other mundane things like that. Well, actually, my book has few if not none of those crap. Most of the writings in the book are inspiring in some sense, and sometimes when I feel really down, those words are among the most uplifting that I can get my hands on. I'm probably one of the few people left from that era who has kept a ``proper'' autograph book that I am proud to show to people whom I trust.
And of course, I digressed too much. The question, ``why an autograph book'' can be seen as a means in which I literally obtain feedback from people. It does sound rather strange, doesn't it, soliciting feedback from people about my state of affairs. But it is rather interesting, since sometimes the people write something that is much different from what they act, and through these words one can sometimes tell who is indeed a friend and who is just pretending to be a ``friend''.
Oh the vagaries of life! Reading the articles in the book brings back so many random memories about the people, most of which I have not seen since then. Like memories go, some are good, some are bad. The few that are truly interesting are from [surprise surprise] my teachers back in the day. I guess their words are more delightful to read because they have seen much of the world as compared to the bunch of us who were still young students then, and thus have a wealth of wisdom that is not easily found among my peers. One trend that I do realise is that as time goes on and the people whom I request [politely] to write in my book get older, their words get more meaningful and personal, almost as though through magic my peers have decided to shed their exterior persona projected upon the world and to communicate with me on a personal level.
Life can be a pain if you choose to live without any support at all, be it friends or family. If you are that one person living in this world by yourself, perhaps you might realise this truth sooner so that you won't fall into the abyss of oblivion where your sanity decides to take a long hike down 20,000 leagues under the sea.
Common Law
So here's a little something to think about. Most people, be they ``normal people'' or ``technogeeks'' will tell anyone who cares to listen that their 3-year-old computer system has really outdated software that keeps getting larger and larger, and perhaps they need to reinstall everything ever so often just to make sure that the computer ``still works''. This demonstrates the basic premise of software, namely the need to constantly re-examine the software that has been written, and perhaps even to write a newer version of it when the time comes that the kludges are no longer working as well or if the said kludges are also less maintainable.
Sounds nice and good and commonsensical.
Now, consider the legal/penal system in many of the world's countries today. For a large part, there is the concept of Common Law, which basically refers to law that exists because the courts ruled a certain way. However, for the part of law that is not Common Law, there are many statutes/rules/codes written to govern what is and is not permissible, including the punishments in cases of infraction. So, one way that the legal system works is to rely on the codified law to judge cases, and where there are precedents for a particular case, they will be studied and then the concepts of Common Law will apply, perhaps with the legislative arm of the government creating new laws to ensure that the outcomes thus specified are generalised into laws. These newly created laws will, in principle, help to clarify what is and is not permissible under the eyes of the law, based on the arguments that were put forth from the arbitration of the case.
So far, I have not said anything that is out of the ordinary yet. But now comes the kicker.
If one thinks of the law as a computer program that determines what is acceptable and what is unacceptable, and that the society's people are the running components of the entire ``computer system'', then the analogy will be clear that the law itself ought to be engineered the way software is engineered, i.e. there should be some limited time before the program (or in this case, the law) be re-written so as to reduce the kludges and other gunk that has gathered over the years and to ensure that the law is easier to enforce, thus reducing the latency between when someone first invokes the law and when the matter gets resolved in the courts.
A succinct version of the law has many obvious advantages. The citizenry are aware of exactly what they are allowed and disallowed to do, which means that the allegations of police officers abusing their police power and/or charging people in custody under the myriad of possible crimes [that the impounded never truly knew] will be reduced. The law, being much smaller in numbers of governing statues/codes/regulations, will be more easily maintained and thus have much fewer contradictions as a whole than before. Obsolete pieces of law that made sense at that point in time (like segregation for example) can also be easily identified and discarded to make the law more relevant to daily living.
Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to do what I have just described, despite having the aforementioned benefits. The biggest issue here is that of inertia, and that of transition. Inertia comes about because there are thousands of lawyers out there who have spent much of their lives wheeling and dealing under the current law, and a change of the law to something less complicated will most likely to be met with serious objection because it degrades the status of a lawyer from that of a modern day warrior to just a peon who happens to know a little more than the ordinary person on the law. But transition will prove to be the bigger problem---there will be a vacuum of governance when the old code of law is being revised into the concise form; which version ought one to follow if the new version of the law looks siginificantly different from the old one? The last big issue why the law will not change in the way that I describe is that the modern society, despite its claims to democracy, is not truly egalitarian the way many would have envisioned it. All people are created equal in terms of political and social representation, except some people happen to be more equal than others and thus have a vested interest in some of the laws that were written. Thus, a creation of a concise version of the law may mean the end of special provision for various corporations/individuals who have made use of the law to their own gains through careful manipulating.
So what has this little thing show us? There might be ways in which we can make things better, but under various guises of ``equality'' and other liberal-sounding jargon, we find that the system our forebears have left us are the ones that we are forced to work with, whether or not we like them.
Sounds nice and good and commonsensical.
Now, consider the legal/penal system in many of the world's countries today. For a large part, there is the concept of Common Law, which basically refers to law that exists because the courts ruled a certain way. However, for the part of law that is not Common Law, there are many statutes/rules/codes written to govern what is and is not permissible, including the punishments in cases of infraction. So, one way that the legal system works is to rely on the codified law to judge cases, and where there are precedents for a particular case, they will be studied and then the concepts of Common Law will apply, perhaps with the legislative arm of the government creating new laws to ensure that the outcomes thus specified are generalised into laws. These newly created laws will, in principle, help to clarify what is and is not permissible under the eyes of the law, based on the arguments that were put forth from the arbitration of the case.
So far, I have not said anything that is out of the ordinary yet. But now comes the kicker.
If one thinks of the law as a computer program that determines what is acceptable and what is unacceptable, and that the society's people are the running components of the entire ``computer system'', then the analogy will be clear that the law itself ought to be engineered the way software is engineered, i.e. there should be some limited time before the program (or in this case, the law) be re-written so as to reduce the kludges and other gunk that has gathered over the years and to ensure that the law is easier to enforce, thus reducing the latency between when someone first invokes the law and when the matter gets resolved in the courts.
A succinct version of the law has many obvious advantages. The citizenry are aware of exactly what they are allowed and disallowed to do, which means that the allegations of police officers abusing their police power and/or charging people in custody under the myriad of possible crimes [that the impounded never truly knew] will be reduced. The law, being much smaller in numbers of governing statues/codes/regulations, will be more easily maintained and thus have much fewer contradictions as a whole than before. Obsolete pieces of law that made sense at that point in time (like segregation for example) can also be easily identified and discarded to make the law more relevant to daily living.
Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to do what I have just described, despite having the aforementioned benefits. The biggest issue here is that of inertia, and that of transition. Inertia comes about because there are thousands of lawyers out there who have spent much of their lives wheeling and dealing under the current law, and a change of the law to something less complicated will most likely to be met with serious objection because it degrades the status of a lawyer from that of a modern day warrior to just a peon who happens to know a little more than the ordinary person on the law. But transition will prove to be the bigger problem---there will be a vacuum of governance when the old code of law is being revised into the concise form; which version ought one to follow if the new version of the law looks siginificantly different from the old one? The last big issue why the law will not change in the way that I describe is that the modern society, despite its claims to democracy, is not truly egalitarian the way many would have envisioned it. All people are created equal in terms of political and social representation, except some people happen to be more equal than others and thus have a vested interest in some of the laws that were written. Thus, a creation of a concise version of the law may mean the end of special provision for various corporations/individuals who have made use of the law to their own gains through careful manipulating.
So what has this little thing show us? There might be ways in which we can make things better, but under various guises of ``equality'' and other liberal-sounding jargon, we find that the system our forebears have left us are the ones that we are forced to work with, whether or not we like them.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Scapegoats
People are lazy. This is particularly true no matter where one looks. From the rank-and-file to the ``head honchos'' of the company, everyone is lazy. Usually this is not a problem, since people who are lazy tend to be a little innovative and get the job done in the end. The problem comes when something bad happens, and the people's innovation fall into the unethical realm.
Yes, I am talking about the issue of scapegoats.
Scapegoats are the most unlucky of the lot, being the ones chosen to take the fall for whatever blunder was made, whether or not they were involved with the matter at hand. I have been made a scapegoat before, and I can assure you that it is not the most comfortable feeling ever. The worst feeling comes when there's absolutely no one to appeal to to redress the malignment---it is literally the shittiest situation to ever be in.
Why talk about scapegoats now, one might wonder. There were several recent happenings which caused quite a ruckus to the denizens of the cluster, and as part of what happened, two not-so-guilty parties who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time got ``set-up'' to take the fall of the actions of the nameless few who were more flagrant violators of the unspoken rule. Sure, one can say ``tough luck'' to these two folks and then laugh it off over a beer on how unlucky they were, but think about this from the perspective of those who were investigating. What had prompted them to go down this route? Why did they choose to ``mark'' these two people instead of hunting down the myriad who had done actions more unspeakable than the alleged violations that the two were slapped with?
I think the reason is straightforward. The powers that be just needed scapegoats. Think about it this way. If the wrong-doing were something that many people had done, would it make much sense for an investigator to expend all the effort just to bring all these people to ``justice''? If you were untainted by the modern news network, I think that your answer would be a resounding ``no''. In fact, if you were somewhat rational, you would think that all you needed to do was to just catch hold of that one poor sod that didn't manage to get away and make him/her a lesson for the others to learn from.
I am not making allegations in malice---I am just using this story as an example of how our current society works. In the past, I truly believed that justice could be impartially dealt with, the facts will point the way and the guilty will pay for their misdemeanour, while the innocent will be freed from all persecution. Unfortunately, the world doesn't quite work that way. The person with the most money wins, whether or not he/she was in the right or wrong, while the person with the least money is destined to lose, unless somehow the miscarriage of justice is blatant enough that turning a blind eye to the matter is impossible.
We live in a time of fear and confusion. Left and right we are bombarded by advertisement and paid propaganda on what is ``right'' and what is ``wrong'', sometimes with wholly illogical consequences. Life used to be simpler---to live a good life, one just lived a life that was free of ``sin'' (for some definition of ``sin''), but in this time and age where the original concept of morality is lacking and ad hoc, there is no way that a normal person can lead a life that is truly free of injustices/wrong-doings.
At the end of the day, people just live to avoid being made scapegoats, and to earn enough money to stave away the rich vultures circling overhead, ready to swoop down when you are unguarded, and to take your carrion back to their growing pile of increasing success, while you get trampled all over the place, never truly finding the voice and conviction necessary to prove your innocence once and for all.
Yes, I am talking about the issue of scapegoats.
Scapegoats are the most unlucky of the lot, being the ones chosen to take the fall for whatever blunder was made, whether or not they were involved with the matter at hand. I have been made a scapegoat before, and I can assure you that it is not the most comfortable feeling ever. The worst feeling comes when there's absolutely no one to appeal to to redress the malignment---it is literally the shittiest situation to ever be in.
Why talk about scapegoats now, one might wonder. There were several recent happenings which caused quite a ruckus to the denizens of the cluster, and as part of what happened, two not-so-guilty parties who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time got ``set-up'' to take the fall of the actions of the nameless few who were more flagrant violators of the unspoken rule. Sure, one can say ``tough luck'' to these two folks and then laugh it off over a beer on how unlucky they were, but think about this from the perspective of those who were investigating. What had prompted them to go down this route? Why did they choose to ``mark'' these two people instead of hunting down the myriad who had done actions more unspeakable than the alleged violations that the two were slapped with?
I think the reason is straightforward. The powers that be just needed scapegoats. Think about it this way. If the wrong-doing were something that many people had done, would it make much sense for an investigator to expend all the effort just to bring all these people to ``justice''? If you were untainted by the modern news network, I think that your answer would be a resounding ``no''. In fact, if you were somewhat rational, you would think that all you needed to do was to just catch hold of that one poor sod that didn't manage to get away and make him/her a lesson for the others to learn from.
I am not making allegations in malice---I am just using this story as an example of how our current society works. In the past, I truly believed that justice could be impartially dealt with, the facts will point the way and the guilty will pay for their misdemeanour, while the innocent will be freed from all persecution. Unfortunately, the world doesn't quite work that way. The person with the most money wins, whether or not he/she was in the right or wrong, while the person with the least money is destined to lose, unless somehow the miscarriage of justice is blatant enough that turning a blind eye to the matter is impossible.
We live in a time of fear and confusion. Left and right we are bombarded by advertisement and paid propaganda on what is ``right'' and what is ``wrong'', sometimes with wholly illogical consequences. Life used to be simpler---to live a good life, one just lived a life that was free of ``sin'' (for some definition of ``sin''), but in this time and age where the original concept of morality is lacking and ad hoc, there is no way that a normal person can lead a life that is truly free of injustices/wrong-doings.
At the end of the day, people just live to avoid being made scapegoats, and to earn enough money to stave away the rich vultures circling overhead, ready to swoop down when you are unguarded, and to take your carrion back to their growing pile of increasing success, while you get trampled all over the place, never truly finding the voice and conviction necessary to prove your innocence once and for all.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
``Herd'' Mentality
The other sad thing about life that one realises as one gets older is the paradoxical lack of control over affairs, despite being in a better position to actually make good use of the resources at one's disposal. Think about it this way. When one was still a child, the environment that one interacted with was much smaller; there's mainly the home and the school, and possibly with the extended family members. Unfortunately, as one grows up, one's social circles increase in size, and slowly [but surely] one will find that control is utterly lost.
But I think I need to be careful with what I say. When I say ``control'', I mean being able to influence things and make things move along through personal intervention. It is clear then when one is still a child, the environment allows much control to be exerted, even if one did not realise that one could do that to one degree or another. Sadly, once one is aware of such abilities, the environment has changed and there is little opportunity to demonstrate/use one's abilities.
Part of the reason why this is the case is the cultivation of the ``herd'' mentality. As children begin their lives interacting with the world, they do not understand the concept of conformance, and thus present a more care-free outlook towards life; they are also insulated from the vagaries of life and thus have the almost-perfect conditions to be the way they are. But fast forward a few more years, and one finds that the child's individuality and antics associated with it are not as tolerated as before, and the child learns how to conform, either through physical conformance (like wearing uniforms/dressing in a certain way), or even psychological conformance (like creationism is the only truth to how life came about, and not evolutionism). By the time the child reaches young adult-hood, the damage has been done---he/she has developed the ``herd'' instinct, never truly wanting to explore the borders beyond what the ``herd'' mentality dictates.
For the most part, at least, from the perspective of governing bodies, ``herd'' mentality is a good trait for the masses, since it makes policing and governing them easy. However, from the social development standpoint, I doubt that having only ``herd'' mentality is sufficient for a society to progress beyond the level that it is already at. Think about it in another way, if everyone were to only follow the crowd and not innovate, life would not be the way it is now because the inventions that we have grown to rely on would cease to exist at such an early stage because no one would be willing to challenge the social norm and create something that the world has never seen before.
But what has all of this got to do with the control that I talk about before? Well, simply put, the rejection of the ``herd'' mentality will actuallly allow more control to be weaved back into a person's life. What do I mean, you might ask. If one does not readily conform to society's wants, then one is able to look at things from a critical perspective and decide if the said social norms are worth following. Here is an example of what I mean. Take a look at the UK currently. It is of no doubt that the UK has developed a culture of surveillance on all of its people, and not just the ones who are suspects to a case. In fact, you would be photographed by no less than 3 cameras while just walking along the street in London. What has happened here? This is the ``herd'' mentality being in effect---most of the masses do not understand the mumbo-jumbo that the people in power say, and due to their ``herd'' mentality, decide ``for themselves'' that what the government does is good for them and thus no one makes any noise/comment about the ramifications of having such an extensive surveillance network on all the people, whether you are suspicious of committing a crime or not. Of course, the other way of looking at this will be that dissenters to the plan were secretly incarcerated and thus prevented from airing their views, but this is already bordering on the line of speculation and I do not think that it is a worthwhile direction to take since conspiracy theories are just so easy to make.
I am not advocating that people go against their governments. I am saying that people should reject blindly following anything and to think for themselves critically, evaluating within their understanding framework if the said ideas are indeed worthy of being followed. That trait, unfortunately, is not readily seen in most people because their either do not care, or do not know how to care (i.e. cannot think critically). We live in interesting/terrifying times, and the longer that we do not wrest control of our lives and thoughts from the ``herd'', the more injustices can occur through the inactions of many.
But I think I need to be careful with what I say. When I say ``control'', I mean being able to influence things and make things move along through personal intervention. It is clear then when one is still a child, the environment allows much control to be exerted, even if one did not realise that one could do that to one degree or another. Sadly, once one is aware of such abilities, the environment has changed and there is little opportunity to demonstrate/use one's abilities.
Part of the reason why this is the case is the cultivation of the ``herd'' mentality. As children begin their lives interacting with the world, they do not understand the concept of conformance, and thus present a more care-free outlook towards life; they are also insulated from the vagaries of life and thus have the almost-perfect conditions to be the way they are. But fast forward a few more years, and one finds that the child's individuality and antics associated with it are not as tolerated as before, and the child learns how to conform, either through physical conformance (like wearing uniforms/dressing in a certain way), or even psychological conformance (like creationism is the only truth to how life came about, and not evolutionism). By the time the child reaches young adult-hood, the damage has been done---he/she has developed the ``herd'' instinct, never truly wanting to explore the borders beyond what the ``herd'' mentality dictates.
For the most part, at least, from the perspective of governing bodies, ``herd'' mentality is a good trait for the masses, since it makes policing and governing them easy. However, from the social development standpoint, I doubt that having only ``herd'' mentality is sufficient for a society to progress beyond the level that it is already at. Think about it in another way, if everyone were to only follow the crowd and not innovate, life would not be the way it is now because the inventions that we have grown to rely on would cease to exist at such an early stage because no one would be willing to challenge the social norm and create something that the world has never seen before.
But what has all of this got to do with the control that I talk about before? Well, simply put, the rejection of the ``herd'' mentality will actuallly allow more control to be weaved back into a person's life. What do I mean, you might ask. If one does not readily conform to society's wants, then one is able to look at things from a critical perspective and decide if the said social norms are worth following. Here is an example of what I mean. Take a look at the UK currently. It is of no doubt that the UK has developed a culture of surveillance on all of its people, and not just the ones who are suspects to a case. In fact, you would be photographed by no less than 3 cameras while just walking along the street in London. What has happened here? This is the ``herd'' mentality being in effect---most of the masses do not understand the mumbo-jumbo that the people in power say, and due to their ``herd'' mentality, decide ``for themselves'' that what the government does is good for them and thus no one makes any noise/comment about the ramifications of having such an extensive surveillance network on all the people, whether you are suspicious of committing a crime or not. Of course, the other way of looking at this will be that dissenters to the plan were secretly incarcerated and thus prevented from airing their views, but this is already bordering on the line of speculation and I do not think that it is a worthwhile direction to take since conspiracy theories are just so easy to make.
I am not advocating that people go against their governments. I am saying that people should reject blindly following anything and to think for themselves critically, evaluating within their understanding framework if the said ideas are indeed worthy of being followed. That trait, unfortunately, is not readily seen in most people because their either do not care, or do not know how to care (i.e. cannot think critically). We live in interesting/terrifying times, and the longer that we do not wrest control of our lives and thoughts from the ``herd'', the more injustices can occur through the inactions of many.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Human Social Interaction
The strange sad thing about human social interactions is this: despite being the ``social animals'' that we claim to be, the concept of being ``social'' itself is suspect. For instance, most of the interactions that we have with most people tend to be of the shallow sort, also known as the ``hi-bye'' type of social interaction. Not that this is wrong, but I find that this is rather counterintuitive to what one would normally associate with the semantics of being ``social''.
To a large degree, the increased use of technology in both communications and transportation can be considered the real reasons why this phenomenon is happening. Long ago, few would travel farther than their immediate surroundings, since the relatively egalitarian society (and lack of the ability to travel!) meant that most of what a person would require to live on is available there. Fast forward a few hundred years, and we find ourselves in the current situation, where people are flying all over the world conducting business and recreation, where unless one is from a really backwater country, there is a substantial number of goods that are available are from other parts of the world, imported through the extensive transportation network that took a few hundred years to build up and maintain.
But what has all these got to do with why people are less socially intimate with each other? Well, the answer is rather straightforward---there's just too many people to meet, too many places to go and too many things to work on to be able to invest the time (and other opportunity costs!) necessary to establish a more intimate social relationship other than the ``hi-bye'' variety. Gone were the days when neighbours would actually visit each other just to talk about all things great and small, gone are the days where people actually knew who were living around them. Each household is an isloated one, and runs independently on how the world actually works. Extended families are no longer as close to each other, and in many cases, people are turning to professional help for their needs, as opposed to the tradition of seeking one's relatives for help first.
Is this a bad thing then? Like many arguments, the answer to this one is highly subjective. On the one hand, being exposed to the world and thus meeting other people/cultures is a great way of improving one's role as a global citizen. On the other hand, that people only know each other superficially means that the support network in times of catastrophe can be flaky at best, since one would be unlikely to risk one's life and limb in order to help someone whom they do not know ``close enough''.
But for now, enough of the rather pretentious air that I seem to be evoking by talking about the world at large. Let's talk about me. I don't really like the whole superficial socialisation business; to me, it is a symbol of devaluation of what it means to be human. Suddenly people are not seen for who they are, but by just what they can do. Ever heard of that ``super-star'' person who gets away with almost anything just because he/she is really good at what he/she does, even though he/she is a complete and utterly terrible person who tyrannises the people they work with? I've seen these kinds of people before, and I guess that their behaviour is partially influenced by the fact that the world works on very superficial social situations. Of course I can argue in the other direction---how many people are out there in decision-making positions who are really incompetent by are they simply because they make themselves look as though the people know them really well?
Social interactions as a whole then is rather complicated to define and practise, particularly under this rapid globalisation context where people just don't hang around long enough for others to truly learn more about them. The phrase ``life in the fast lane'' comes to mind each time I think about how people are just putting on a show for everyone else to see, simply because they don't really know how best to carry themselves in front of others. Sadly, this ``show business'' is also used heavily among people who are supposed to be intimate with each other, like couples. That could possibly be the reason why divorce rates are so high in many developed countries; people get into a ``serious'' relationship based on the charade they see, and when time wears on and the charade disintegrates, all that is left is the bareness of an immature soul that only knows how to make people like them and not know how to be themselves.
Many have called me tactless, and of course I agree with them. That is not the complete truth, however, since my ``tactlessness'' does not appear where it ``counts'' socially, i.e. when I am truly expected to put on a show for others (like in a business setting for example). I am candid when I am with people whom I think that I can trust, and being candid means that I do not bar the expression of my feelings and thoughts to these people. And all these explains why I have decided to stay out of #cslounge from now on. Don't get me wrong, it is a nice place to talk about things of all sorts and to listen to various perspectives of people. But then there's this problem of being a clique---they are from #cslounge and are thus ``better'' than those of us who are not on that place. A look through the logs will show this to be the case in general throughout the history of the place. I am there, but I am not there, which is a rather strong distinction that I think I must say. Not that I don't like the people on #cslounge, but that at this point, they don't need me, and I don't need them either. Might as well stay away since there is nothing of importance being lost. I mean, in a year, they would not remember me, we would be doing divergent activities, and life still goes on differently for all of us. And I never really felt the need to conform to their philosophy and will; there are other more interesting things that I can do (and I should!).
Alright, enough talk on the nature of human social interaction. I'm getting sick of writing about this topic already. Till next time.
To a large degree, the increased use of technology in both communications and transportation can be considered the real reasons why this phenomenon is happening. Long ago, few would travel farther than their immediate surroundings, since the relatively egalitarian society (and lack of the ability to travel!) meant that most of what a person would require to live on is available there. Fast forward a few hundred years, and we find ourselves in the current situation, where people are flying all over the world conducting business and recreation, where unless one is from a really backwater country, there is a substantial number of goods that are available are from other parts of the world, imported through the extensive transportation network that took a few hundred years to build up and maintain.
But what has all these got to do with why people are less socially intimate with each other? Well, the answer is rather straightforward---there's just too many people to meet, too many places to go and too many things to work on to be able to invest the time (and other opportunity costs!) necessary to establish a more intimate social relationship other than the ``hi-bye'' variety. Gone were the days when neighbours would actually visit each other just to talk about all things great and small, gone are the days where people actually knew who were living around them. Each household is an isloated one, and runs independently on how the world actually works. Extended families are no longer as close to each other, and in many cases, people are turning to professional help for their needs, as opposed to the tradition of seeking one's relatives for help first.
Is this a bad thing then? Like many arguments, the answer to this one is highly subjective. On the one hand, being exposed to the world and thus meeting other people/cultures is a great way of improving one's role as a global citizen. On the other hand, that people only know each other superficially means that the support network in times of catastrophe can be flaky at best, since one would be unlikely to risk one's life and limb in order to help someone whom they do not know ``close enough''.
But for now, enough of the rather pretentious air that I seem to be evoking by talking about the world at large. Let's talk about me. I don't really like the whole superficial socialisation business; to me, it is a symbol of devaluation of what it means to be human. Suddenly people are not seen for who they are, but by just what they can do. Ever heard of that ``super-star'' person who gets away with almost anything just because he/she is really good at what he/she does, even though he/she is a complete and utterly terrible person who tyrannises the people they work with? I've seen these kinds of people before, and I guess that their behaviour is partially influenced by the fact that the world works on very superficial social situations. Of course I can argue in the other direction---how many people are out there in decision-making positions who are really incompetent by are they simply because they make themselves look as though the people know them really well?
Social interactions as a whole then is rather complicated to define and practise, particularly under this rapid globalisation context where people just don't hang around long enough for others to truly learn more about them. The phrase ``life in the fast lane'' comes to mind each time I think about how people are just putting on a show for everyone else to see, simply because they don't really know how best to carry themselves in front of others. Sadly, this ``show business'' is also used heavily among people who are supposed to be intimate with each other, like couples. That could possibly be the reason why divorce rates are so high in many developed countries; people get into a ``serious'' relationship based on the charade they see, and when time wears on and the charade disintegrates, all that is left is the bareness of an immature soul that only knows how to make people like them and not know how to be themselves.
Many have called me tactless, and of course I agree with them. That is not the complete truth, however, since my ``tactlessness'' does not appear where it ``counts'' socially, i.e. when I am truly expected to put on a show for others (like in a business setting for example). I am candid when I am with people whom I think that I can trust, and being candid means that I do not bar the expression of my feelings and thoughts to these people. And all these explains why I have decided to stay out of #cslounge from now on. Don't get me wrong, it is a nice place to talk about things of all sorts and to listen to various perspectives of people. But then there's this problem of being a clique---they are from #cslounge and are thus ``better'' than those of us who are not on that place. A look through the logs will show this to be the case in general throughout the history of the place. I am there, but I am not there, which is a rather strong distinction that I think I must say. Not that I don't like the people on #cslounge, but that at this point, they don't need me, and I don't need them either. Might as well stay away since there is nothing of importance being lost. I mean, in a year, they would not remember me, we would be doing divergent activities, and life still goes on differently for all of us. And I never really felt the need to conform to their philosophy and will; there are other more interesting things that I can do (and I should!).
Alright, enough talk on the nature of human social interaction. I'm getting sick of writing about this topic already. Till next time.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Code and LISP
Yet another day passes, but this time, it is significantly more productive than what I would have grown to expect. The month of April comes upon us, and soon it will be May, and I would have graduated, and will need to make my way back home, away from my lovely girlfriend, and into the supposed drudgeries of a working life. Having never truly learnt LISP before, I find that the code I'm hacking in that language just seems to flow like the wine that one pours out of the amphora; each drop that falls out contain the brevity and wisdom that is within my make-up.
I guess I'm starting to have a good feel of what it means to be a ``hacker'' as opposed to just being a programmer.
Code, I live it, I breathe it, I eat it, and I work it.
I guess I'm starting to have a good feel of what it means to be a ``hacker'' as opposed to just being a programmer.
Code, I live it, I breathe it, I eat it, and I work it.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Forever Young
Forever Young---Alphaville
Lets dance in style, lets dance for a while
Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies
Hoping for the best but expecting the worst
Are you going to drop the bomb or not?
Let us die young or let us live forever
We dont have the power but we never say never
Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip
The musics for the sad men
Can you imagine when this race is won
Turn our golden faces into the sun
Praising our leaders were getting in tune
The musics played by the madmen
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever, forever and ever
Some are like water, some are like the heat
Some are a melody and some are the beat
Sooner or later they all will be gone
Why dont they stay young
Its so hard to get old without a cause
I dont want to perish like a fading horse
Youth is like diamonds in the sun
And diamonds are forever
So many adventures couldnt happen today
So many songs we forgot to play
So many dreams are swinging out of the blue
We let them come true
Friday, March 27, 2009
Last Round of Belly-Aching for Now
And so another day continues the drudgery that defines what I am. I am slowly losing patience with people of all sorts, including myself. I'm tired of having to deal with people; I'm just going to not care anymore. Let them think what they want, let them do what they want! I never did fit in anywhere; any sense of fitting in is a delusion on my part. Time to stop these damn delusions, I guess.
Looking at how things are progressing throughout this week, I think I will have a most interesting Friday. There're so many things to think about, and probably to work on, and to actually deal with personally, that perhaps I should just switch back into my colder demeanour and deal with these things, with little regard to what else is going on.
Alright, I'm sick of belly-aching. Time to get back to work.
Looking at how things are progressing throughout this week, I think I will have a most interesting Friday. There're so many things to think about, and probably to work on, and to actually deal with personally, that perhaps I should just switch back into my colder demeanour and deal with these things, with little regard to what else is going on.
Alright, I'm sick of belly-aching. Time to get back to work.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Blurb
If I ever die tomorrow, for example, I think no more than 10 people will remember me, of which includes my immediate family, the lawyer for A*STAR, the crematorium, and maybe Ida.
No one else remembers me. I am like a passing shadow, leaving nothing behind, not even footprints.
And now, I truly must sleep, or I will face certain death [of another kind].
No one else remembers me. I am like a passing shadow, leaving nothing behind, not even footprints.
And now, I truly must sleep, or I will face certain death [of another kind].
More Death-related Stuff...
Not too long ago, word has been received that someone that many people on #cslounge who seem to know has died by the way of suicide. While I can understand why this can be shocking to people, I find it strange that within my being, I have hardly any feeling of empathy for them.
Death is the end of life, whether or not you choose to end it yourself or if the state chooses to end it for you, or if your fate chooses to end it for you. At the end of the day, all of us will die anyway; if someone decides to choose how to end his/her life, why should we be all emotional about how the person was a good guy/girl in the past and wallow about it? That I can never undertand---if that person means so much to you, then show that you care whenever you can; why wait till he/she is no longer around before professing your thoughts and feelings about the person?
I find the whole idea very ludicrous.
Call me insensitive, sociopathic, I don't really care. People keep taking things for granted anyway, and dealing with death is one of the ways that demonstrates the rather odd reactions that are peculiar to humans. I had volunteered a kickban from #cslounge while the people are embroiled in their whole ``grieving'' process, because I know that I will end up incurring more wrath than necessary by stating my cold/rational third-party viewpoint on the issue. Frankly, I don't really give a damn---the signal-to-noise ratio of #cslounge is lowering these days, and as I slowly approach graduation and thus the inevitable transplantation from this place back to my hometown, I'm starting to find some of the people's reactions disagreeable. Rather than have an all-out slug-fest, I have judiciously decided to be kickbanned until they have resolved their issues.
Let's face it. These people are only hearing things through the grapevine. I was monitoring the logs after the kickban, and sure enough, the usual after-effects of a death include people making empty promises about how best to live their lives and how great the deceased was, including the reminiscence of the deceased past exploits. I am glad I made the decision to stay out of the group.
The more I ponder about things, the more I realised that I am no different now as compared to when I first entered this place---I never truly belonged to this place. At the end of the day, I'm still the outsider, always trying to look in and watch and figure out how best to ``blend-in'' or at the very least, not appear like some complete and absolute sociopath. Sure, some of these people are friendly enough, but I guess I am not what they might call a ``friend''. In an article from long ago, I've already acknowledged that I'm still the odd-one-out, and even more so now, despite having done so much.
Why do I care? I don't, really. But I also don't want to go all crazy again---those were bad times, they really were. Very few people can imagine how it felt trying to survive through all the nonsense that I had to put up with, both from external sources and from within myself.
I will never be socially appropriate. I will state my observations plainly and with little mincing of words. I should not fear what I say, especially if what I say is provably true. I guess that's where I differ from the usual human, since I have hardly all the characteristics that a normal human has.
Heh. The kinds of horrors one finds when one visits my head space. I think I'm in the position where there is hardly anyone who is fit enough to tell me that the whole suicide thing was bad---they have never understood what it feels to be absolutely out of control of one's life.
So, long story short, I just hope that the bellyaching will cease soon and life continues for all of them. Nevermind if I stay permanently kick-banned---I'm pretty sure my absence will not be noticed, heck the person who passed away recently was not seen for about 4 days by now, and it was only through the ether that his/her death was ``discovered'' by the denizens of #cslounge. I figure that for someone whom they tend to see often enough in the flesh, they probably don't care about me appearing on #cslounge or not.
And now, on to something more relevant to my life---actually getting some sleep to beat off the cold. Till next time...
Death is the end of life, whether or not you choose to end it yourself or if the state chooses to end it for you, or if your fate chooses to end it for you. At the end of the day, all of us will die anyway; if someone decides to choose how to end his/her life, why should we be all emotional about how the person was a good guy/girl in the past and wallow about it? That I can never undertand---if that person means so much to you, then show that you care whenever you can; why wait till he/she is no longer around before professing your thoughts and feelings about the person?
I find the whole idea very ludicrous.
Call me insensitive, sociopathic, I don't really care. People keep taking things for granted anyway, and dealing with death is one of the ways that demonstrates the rather odd reactions that are peculiar to humans. I had volunteered a kickban from #cslounge while the people are embroiled in their whole ``grieving'' process, because I know that I will end up incurring more wrath than necessary by stating my cold/rational third-party viewpoint on the issue. Frankly, I don't really give a damn---the signal-to-noise ratio of #cslounge is lowering these days, and as I slowly approach graduation and thus the inevitable transplantation from this place back to my hometown, I'm starting to find some of the people's reactions disagreeable. Rather than have an all-out slug-fest, I have judiciously decided to be kickbanned until they have resolved their issues.
Let's face it. These people are only hearing things through the grapevine. I was monitoring the logs after the kickban, and sure enough, the usual after-effects of a death include people making empty promises about how best to live their lives and how great the deceased was, including the reminiscence of the deceased past exploits. I am glad I made the decision to stay out of the group.
The more I ponder about things, the more I realised that I am no different now as compared to when I first entered this place---I never truly belonged to this place. At the end of the day, I'm still the outsider, always trying to look in and watch and figure out how best to ``blend-in'' or at the very least, not appear like some complete and absolute sociopath. Sure, some of these people are friendly enough, but I guess I am not what they might call a ``friend''. In an article from long ago, I've already acknowledged that I'm still the odd-one-out, and even more so now, despite having done so much.
Why do I care? I don't, really. But I also don't want to go all crazy again---those were bad times, they really were. Very few people can imagine how it felt trying to survive through all the nonsense that I had to put up with, both from external sources and from within myself.
I will never be socially appropriate. I will state my observations plainly and with little mincing of words. I should not fear what I say, especially if what I say is provably true. I guess that's where I differ from the usual human, since I have hardly all the characteristics that a normal human has.
Heh. The kinds of horrors one finds when one visits my head space. I think I'm in the position where there is hardly anyone who is fit enough to tell me that the whole suicide thing was bad---they have never understood what it feels to be absolutely out of control of one's life.
So, long story short, I just hope that the bellyaching will cease soon and life continues for all of them. Nevermind if I stay permanently kick-banned---I'm pretty sure my absence will not be noticed, heck the person who passed away recently was not seen for about 4 days by now, and it was only through the ether that his/her death was ``discovered'' by the denizens of #cslounge. I figure that for someone whom they tend to see often enough in the flesh, they probably don't care about me appearing on #cslounge or not.
And now, on to something more relevant to my life---actually getting some sleep to beat off the cold. Till next time...
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Auto-Writing and Other Adventures
And so passes yet another day. Another day done here means another day closer to graduation. On the one hand I am glad that I can slowly start to literally make a living for myself. On the other hand, I feel a little sad about the whole business, since I am once again picking myself up from what is now familiar and am going to something that is less familiar. What will the future be? Will I be able to deal with whatever comes my way?
If I were dealing with this alone, I would have much easier answers for these really hard questions, but that is no longer the case---my fate is intertwined with yet another. There are so many things to think and worry about, and even with my excessive powers of planning/worry/thought, I cannot fathom the gravity of the entire issue. That of course is one of the many reasons why I am feeling under the weather of late---I'm thinking too much about the future once more.
I guess the old adage still holds: whatever fate brings you, you take it [sort of]. Almost all of us can figure out how much I am worth as a working person, but how much am I worth as a person? I have no clue, and perhaps that is one of those things that I need to think about---my seeming self-confidence is only apparent when we are talking about professional situations and not personal ones. More things to worry about, no?
And so time passes yet again, and I think more and more about less and less until I think everything about nothing, before realising that at the end of the day, I truly am thinking nothing about everything because this life is just a passing dream---only the eventual death is something that is the most definite among all the experiences that a person can undergo.
But what do I see upon death? Probably alone, somewhere, if I don't go out with a bang that is. Lying in bed, staring vacantly at the white ceiling where the fan whirrs idly under the summer heat. If I'm lucky, I'd be old, and possibly drooling to the side, perhaps still having an active mind, but a failed body of some sort. And when the final moment comes, I will probably be trying to fight it off as much as I can, or more likely to just accept it with an air of resignation, and to die regretting about the things that I should have done but never would. I would be a passing memory to all around me---at death, no one will remember who I was, what I had done, how I had gotten there. All they would know is that a decrepit old man had just died on his bed, possibly choking on his own drool---never knew if the old geezer was thinking anything at all.
Birth, ageing, sickness, death---just part of the cycle of living I guess. I think I'm probably past the stage of fearing death, since I know full well that I will not be remembered anyway (and what else can one be more fearful of that that?). I have not yet gotten to the point of embracing/welcoming death yet---perhaps eventually when my will to live is sufficiently low, I can bring such thoughts into my consciousness. So what if life is just an illusion---we are all just meatbags anyway.
*sigh*
Sometimes I think that I'm just too negative for my own good. I mean, it is true, isn't it, that I'm rather negative? It served me well in the past (and it still serves me now!) but it has this weird effect that affects my affect, causing me to be miserable more than half the time. Negativism---the very epitome of my dark character I guess, something that is so innate that the best I can do is to mask it away, as opposed to trying to correct the judgemental thought. I like to think that I'm matured, but at times I discover I'm probably more naive than most people. Well, I don't know what is really going on anymore, and am just literally following the flow, going where life and life's past decisions have taken me. I'm probably one of those few people who can sit in an empty room all day with nothing but the walls as my companions, and still not feel bored about it.
I dunno... perhaps I am destined to travel alone through the marshes of time, stuck in some forgotten place, pondering about the mysteries of the universe as I assimilate knowledge and information from all corners of my being. Perhaps I'm a modern day recluse, one who, despite living in the city, is more isolated than a hermit living on a deserted island. Perhaps I am secretly just an actor, acting out roles to their final conclusions, never having the chance to truly discover what makes the ``real'' me. Perhaps I'm just being delusional over the whole affair, and I'm just confusing the heck out of myself through all these random and useless thoughts.
``Verbal diarrhoea'' is probably the best term that I can use to explain the current situation that I am in right now---I just keep writing and writing and typing and typing, with little care if what I'm saying makes any sense or not. In some ways, this in itself is a therapeutic affair, since there is little inhibitions that I have in trying to put my thoughts in order. But I sometimes feel sorry for the reader, for he/she has to untangle all these garbled pieces of information that spew forth my dishevelled mind and trying to find some sense of coherence among all the data that is available.
Ah life! You are among the biggest conundrums that I have ever faced. Sometimes you make me happy and savour the moment of living, many times you make me loathe my existence, and pray for a speedy end of my pathetic being; sometimes you inspire me to live on courageously and the infect others with the inspiration I found, and at other times you reject me and make me more dejected than the souls that are bared from heaven despite living a morally upright life. The confusion of it all, the seemingly tellingness of life juxtaposed with its coyness---it baffles all who live it, be it eight or eighty.
I look back upon what I have done and think to myself: I have made many mistakes in the past, and I have made some positive accomplishments. But why can I only remember the damn mistakes and not the achievements? Why is it so that I am programmed to only recall the bad and not the good? Is there something fundamentally wrong with my thought processes, or is this one of those ``error in thought'' things that people talk about but I have never truly seen? I have no idea what I am talking about right now, but I'm just... letting the words flow ever so smoothly from my mind directly to my finger-tips and finally onto the keyboard to be sent into the computer. The feeling... is strange, to say the least, but is comforting to a small degree, as the regular staccato sound of the keys being depressed and released one after another in quick fashion.
I look forward in life, and while I once saw green pastures meeting a clear blue sky in the horizon (with butterflies and flowers and other pretty things no less), all that I see now is a deep fog, much like the one that London infamously has. I can't seem to see past the outstretched hand's distance, and beyond that, all I can see is just this deep fog that hides all that is far away. The fogginess of the whole enterpreise remains even though I rub my eyes and clean my lenses---perhaps it is my mind's eye that requires some form of cleaning and possible debridement.
But I digress... in a multitude of tangents, no less. Some slightly more concrete news then. I have finally made the big move to remap the caps-lock of my laptop keyboard to that of the left control key---this is so that I will get use to the ``correct'' position of where the control key ought to be, and more importantly to avoid the ``emacs pinky'' that is obtained due to prolonged unnatural stretching of the left pinky when trying to hit the ``traditional'' control button. That said, as my graduation gift to myself, I've decided indulge in a $70 keyboard known as the Happy Hacking Keyboard Lite 2. The wonders of this keyboard lies in its portability and sensible placement of keys, as well as the rather comfortable tactile feel of it. That and the ability to set specific functions on the keyboard through the DIP switches in the back---I swear I will bring this keyboard to and fro work for my own edification (and to keep my left pinky from dying unnecessarily).
Strangely, I'm starting to actually enjoy Real Analysis. It is strange because the last time I did an abstract mathematics class, I was basically dying from it because I didn't have any form of intuitive feel nor the deep interest. But with Real Analysis, I find that I am starting to get the hang of it and to develop this mathematical intuition on why the theorems are the way they are and how best to go about proving them. That said, I hope that I won't do too badly for this class, otherwise I would be really sad person in the end.
I don't think that I have much to talk about now... I have basically spewed too much words here already, and it is getting rather late. Perhaps I should turn in for the night, and wonder about how to deal with things later on in the day...
If I were dealing with this alone, I would have much easier answers for these really hard questions, but that is no longer the case---my fate is intertwined with yet another. There are so many things to think and worry about, and even with my excessive powers of planning/worry/thought, I cannot fathom the gravity of the entire issue. That of course is one of the many reasons why I am feeling under the weather of late---I'm thinking too much about the future once more.
I guess the old adage still holds: whatever fate brings you, you take it [sort of]. Almost all of us can figure out how much I am worth as a working person, but how much am I worth as a person? I have no clue, and perhaps that is one of those things that I need to think about---my seeming self-confidence is only apparent when we are talking about professional situations and not personal ones. More things to worry about, no?
And so time passes yet again, and I think more and more about less and less until I think everything about nothing, before realising that at the end of the day, I truly am thinking nothing about everything because this life is just a passing dream---only the eventual death is something that is the most definite among all the experiences that a person can undergo.
But what do I see upon death? Probably alone, somewhere, if I don't go out with a bang that is. Lying in bed, staring vacantly at the white ceiling where the fan whirrs idly under the summer heat. If I'm lucky, I'd be old, and possibly drooling to the side, perhaps still having an active mind, but a failed body of some sort. And when the final moment comes, I will probably be trying to fight it off as much as I can, or more likely to just accept it with an air of resignation, and to die regretting about the things that I should have done but never would. I would be a passing memory to all around me---at death, no one will remember who I was, what I had done, how I had gotten there. All they would know is that a decrepit old man had just died on his bed, possibly choking on his own drool---never knew if the old geezer was thinking anything at all.
Birth, ageing, sickness, death---just part of the cycle of living I guess. I think I'm probably past the stage of fearing death, since I know full well that I will not be remembered anyway (and what else can one be more fearful of that that?). I have not yet gotten to the point of embracing/welcoming death yet---perhaps eventually when my will to live is sufficiently low, I can bring such thoughts into my consciousness. So what if life is just an illusion---we are all just meatbags anyway.
*sigh*
Sometimes I think that I'm just too negative for my own good. I mean, it is true, isn't it, that I'm rather negative? It served me well in the past (and it still serves me now!) but it has this weird effect that affects my affect, causing me to be miserable more than half the time. Negativism---the very epitome of my dark character I guess, something that is so innate that the best I can do is to mask it away, as opposed to trying to correct the judgemental thought. I like to think that I'm matured, but at times I discover I'm probably more naive than most people. Well, I don't know what is really going on anymore, and am just literally following the flow, going where life and life's past decisions have taken me. I'm probably one of those few people who can sit in an empty room all day with nothing but the walls as my companions, and still not feel bored about it.
I dunno... perhaps I am destined to travel alone through the marshes of time, stuck in some forgotten place, pondering about the mysteries of the universe as I assimilate knowledge and information from all corners of my being. Perhaps I'm a modern day recluse, one who, despite living in the city, is more isolated than a hermit living on a deserted island. Perhaps I am secretly just an actor, acting out roles to their final conclusions, never having the chance to truly discover what makes the ``real'' me. Perhaps I'm just being delusional over the whole affair, and I'm just confusing the heck out of myself through all these random and useless thoughts.
``Verbal diarrhoea'' is probably the best term that I can use to explain the current situation that I am in right now---I just keep writing and writing and typing and typing, with little care if what I'm saying makes any sense or not. In some ways, this in itself is a therapeutic affair, since there is little inhibitions that I have in trying to put my thoughts in order. But I sometimes feel sorry for the reader, for he/she has to untangle all these garbled pieces of information that spew forth my dishevelled mind and trying to find some sense of coherence among all the data that is available.
Ah life! You are among the biggest conundrums that I have ever faced. Sometimes you make me happy and savour the moment of living, many times you make me loathe my existence, and pray for a speedy end of my pathetic being; sometimes you inspire me to live on courageously and the infect others with the inspiration I found, and at other times you reject me and make me more dejected than the souls that are bared from heaven despite living a morally upright life. The confusion of it all, the seemingly tellingness of life juxtaposed with its coyness---it baffles all who live it, be it eight or eighty.
I look back upon what I have done and think to myself: I have made many mistakes in the past, and I have made some positive accomplishments. But why can I only remember the damn mistakes and not the achievements? Why is it so that I am programmed to only recall the bad and not the good? Is there something fundamentally wrong with my thought processes, or is this one of those ``error in thought'' things that people talk about but I have never truly seen? I have no idea what I am talking about right now, but I'm just... letting the words flow ever so smoothly from my mind directly to my finger-tips and finally onto the keyboard to be sent into the computer. The feeling... is strange, to say the least, but is comforting to a small degree, as the regular staccato sound of the keys being depressed and released one after another in quick fashion.
I look forward in life, and while I once saw green pastures meeting a clear blue sky in the horizon (with butterflies and flowers and other pretty things no less), all that I see now is a deep fog, much like the one that London infamously has. I can't seem to see past the outstretched hand's distance, and beyond that, all I can see is just this deep fog that hides all that is far away. The fogginess of the whole enterpreise remains even though I rub my eyes and clean my lenses---perhaps it is my mind's eye that requires some form of cleaning and possible debridement.
But I digress... in a multitude of tangents, no less. Some slightly more concrete news then. I have finally made the big move to remap the caps-lock of my laptop keyboard to that of the left control key---this is so that I will get use to the ``correct'' position of where the control key ought to be, and more importantly to avoid the ``emacs pinky'' that is obtained due to prolonged unnatural stretching of the left pinky when trying to hit the ``traditional'' control button. That said, as my graduation gift to myself, I've decided indulge in a $70 keyboard known as the Happy Hacking Keyboard Lite 2. The wonders of this keyboard lies in its portability and sensible placement of keys, as well as the rather comfortable tactile feel of it. That and the ability to set specific functions on the keyboard through the DIP switches in the back---I swear I will bring this keyboard to and fro work for my own edification (and to keep my left pinky from dying unnecessarily).
Strangely, I'm starting to actually enjoy Real Analysis. It is strange because the last time I did an abstract mathematics class, I was basically dying from it because I didn't have any form of intuitive feel nor the deep interest. But with Real Analysis, I find that I am starting to get the hang of it and to develop this mathematical intuition on why the theorems are the way they are and how best to go about proving them. That said, I hope that I won't do too badly for this class, otherwise I would be really sad person in the end.
I don't think that I have much to talk about now... I have basically spewed too much words here already, and it is getting rather late. Perhaps I should turn in for the night, and wonder about how to deal with things later on in the day...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)