Not too long ago, word has been received that someone that many people on #cslounge who seem to know has died by the way of suicide. While I can understand why this can be shocking to people, I find it strange that within my being, I have hardly any feeling of empathy for them.
Death is the end of life, whether or not you choose to end it yourself or if the state chooses to end it for you, or if your fate chooses to end it for you. At the end of the day, all of us will die anyway; if someone decides to choose how to end his/her life, why should we be all emotional about how the person was a good guy/girl in the past and wallow about it? That I can never undertand---if that person means so much to you, then show that you care whenever you can; why wait till he/she is no longer around before professing your thoughts and feelings about the person?
I find the whole idea very ludicrous.
Call me insensitive, sociopathic, I don't really care. People keep taking things for granted anyway, and dealing with death is one of the ways that demonstrates the rather odd reactions that are peculiar to humans. I had volunteered a kickban from #cslounge while the people are embroiled in their whole ``grieving'' process, because I know that I will end up incurring more wrath than necessary by stating my cold/rational third-party viewpoint on the issue. Frankly, I don't really give a damn---the signal-to-noise ratio of #cslounge is lowering these days, and as I slowly approach graduation and thus the inevitable transplantation from this place back to my hometown, I'm starting to find some of the people's reactions disagreeable. Rather than have an all-out slug-fest, I have judiciously decided to be kickbanned until they have resolved their issues.
Let's face it. These people are only hearing things through the grapevine. I was monitoring the logs after the kickban, and sure enough, the usual after-effects of a death include people making empty promises about how best to live their lives and how great the deceased was, including the reminiscence of the deceased past exploits. I am glad I made the decision to stay out of the group.
The more I ponder about things, the more I realised that I am no different now as compared to when I first entered this place---I never truly belonged to this place. At the end of the day, I'm still the outsider, always trying to look in and watch and figure out how best to ``blend-in'' or at the very least, not appear like some complete and absolute sociopath. Sure, some of these people are friendly enough, but I guess I am not what they might call a ``friend''. In an article from long ago, I've already acknowledged that I'm still the odd-one-out, and even more so now, despite having done so much.
Why do I care? I don't, really. But I also don't want to go all crazy again---those were bad times, they really were. Very few people can imagine how it felt trying to survive through all the nonsense that I had to put up with, both from external sources and from within myself.
I will never be socially appropriate. I will state my observations plainly and with little mincing of words. I should not fear what I say, especially if what I say is provably true. I guess that's where I differ from the usual human, since I have hardly all the characteristics that a normal human has.
Heh. The kinds of horrors one finds when one visits my head space. I think I'm in the position where there is hardly anyone who is fit enough to tell me that the whole suicide thing was bad---they have never understood what it feels to be absolutely out of control of one's life.
So, long story short, I just hope that the bellyaching will cease soon and life continues for all of them. Nevermind if I stay permanently kick-banned---I'm pretty sure my absence will not be noticed, heck the person who passed away recently was not seen for about 4 days by now, and it was only through the ether that his/her death was ``discovered'' by the denizens of #cslounge. I figure that for someone whom they tend to see often enough in the flesh, they probably don't care about me appearing on #cslounge or not.
And now, on to something more relevant to my life---actually getting some sleep to beat off the cold. Till next time...
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