The Real Me

It has almost been a week since I last said anything here, and I feel a little guilty about that (well not quite, but you weren't supposed to know about that). This week has been pretty hectic like most others, but the reasons are probably more mundane than that of the previous week. Things are moving like clockwork now, and I slowly find that I'm not having any weird manifestations of existential issues. Either I'm completely deluded, or I am indeed less messed up in the head now than ever before. Only time can tell which is of the more correct form.

I am sick of my whiney self. I'm here with a purpose, I have the talents for a purpose, and so there is no reason why I need to keep on whining about this and that. Time to really make good with what I have and take on the challenges as they come, and not worry too much about things that are beyond my grasp. That said, cycling around the city in the wee hours of the morning wearing all black complete with half-finger gloves makes a most interesting and memorable trip of the city itself. It is risky alright, but it is also fun in a strange way.

I think it is time to really not care too much about what other people feel, but to think more about what I feel. No sense trying to be Mr Nice Guy if people are not going to treat you like Mr Nice Guy (they'll treat you like Mr Let's-use-him-for-our-purpose Guy). Selfish? Perhaps, but I figured that I've done enough to repay some of the folks who have invested their time and energy to support me, and it is seriously time to move on and further my own interests and not just worry about what others are thinking/worrying about. Even debts have an effective amount with which the debtor has to repay, succeeding which he/she is declared to be free of the debt. I figured that by now, I have contributed enough to earn my release from my moral obligations and it is thus time to do things that I need to and want to do.

That said, I'm starting to place less emphasis on those "friends" who are just mere acquaintances, to put it in a more useful form, I'm much more 爽快 than before. I mean, if I ask you if you want to come along for some event and you say no, then so be it; I'm not going to waste any more energy/time to try to convince you otherwise. If I ask you to please call me if you are going to do something because I am also interested in doing the same thing, and then you don't bother calling me, I will also not give a damn.

True friends come with time, and acquaintances are plentiful. And this is the amazing United States of America, where there are always a lot of people, who don't really know the other people well. While I truly admire the female form, I've come to realise that there are only that many things that are truly beautiful: code, mathematics and sleep. This is a race against time, a race between me and the time that I have left, and I simply will not tolerate having to slow down against my own accord to just accommodate some folks who are just acquaintances.

I feel my arrogance back again—it is a most wonderful feeling, since I feel enarmoured and invulnerable, much like how I was in junior college and before, and not like the wussy feeling I had when I was going through national service. This is the real me, this is absolutely the real me. Scrape away every single layer of skin and flesh, leaving only the bone, and you'll find the essence of me in this way.

I stand tall, and scorn those who try to nibble away at my feet. I stomp on them, crushing them once and for all.