Fear of the Weekends

I have an irrational fear of the weekends. I simply... loathe it. It's dumb, seriously, but I'm starting to totally not like the weekends. Well, there are so many reasons why this is so, the main reason is that there is so much homework to do, and so many other administrative tasks that I want to do, and that almost everyone around me are like having a great time with... well, other people. Those who go to the bar to get drunk, those who get to make out, those who get laid, those who just chill out. All I can see is just me in front of a stupid wall wondering how in the name of hell am I still stuck in this godforsaken place.

Aye. It's gonna be a long time before I'm back to normal all right. All the bad feelings are still there, it's just that they are happily squirrelled away under yet a few more layers of stuff. Why o why is this still happening? I have no idea. Perhaps it's because I just yearn what I have not managed to get, much like how people are jealous of another person who has things that one wants, but just cannot. So, I've more or less transcended the issue of materialism; I don't covet the material objects that people have that I don't, simply because I think that materialism is kinda pointless. But I cannot forget the fact that people are able to seek close companionships with their significant other while I still cannot; I yearn for a day to come where I actually have someone who is willing to be with me forever. Idealistic? Perhaps, but one day I know that it will come; what I don't know is the form in which it will take, and how it will be taken. Maybe all these sudden lucid moments are just another layer of things hiding myself away from the realities of the problem; I cannot recall when I first started to turn turtle and hope that someone will come and help me.

Call me arrogant, but I know that I do not lose out to any other person. I'm as smart, as strong, as wry and as capable as any other person out there. I do not need to have lots of money, neither do I need to be the best in everything; I just need to be good enough. And for the issue of a significant other, well, that's something that only time and karma will tell. *shrugs* Oh, if you only knew what I witness every day...

Enough of emo-explosions; it's starting to get a little boring. Well, this week is a really complicated one. As said earlier, I've started on a new regime of swimming early in the morning, and so I did on Friday. Man, it was invigorating, despite the fact that I had only 4 hours of sleep while working on the crazy Combinatorics homework. Sleep is even less now, considering the fact that there is suddenly so much more to do. In fact, the latest assignment for the amazing Great Theoretical Ideas in Computer Science is one that first penalised the people who start later. The problem set was hidden away somewhere, and not unlike the old treasure hunt that I was grumbling about in January, we needed to do something to be in order to re-obtain the data. That's a pain. And now, pure hard core coding; and I have a paper due on Monday. This is so gonna suck so bad...

I think that my behaviour confuses a lot of people. On some days I'm as happy as a lark, always ready for a quick quip. Yet on others, my mood is so dark that it puts those emo people to shame. Well, to put it bluntly, that's roughly the way I am, always stuck at the extreme polarities, very rarely having some form of restraint in either forms of emotion. Good or bad, you decide, particularly if you've met with me before. I'm still not calm enough in general, particularly now, considering the fact that I'm still trying to get over a lot of things. Among other solutions, the one that heeds Hannibal Lecter's advice of "What do we covet? We covet what we see everyday" seems to be the most applicable. If I'm feeling all lost and lonely when I see people behaving intimately with each other, well, I can do one of two things. I can just leave them, for good perhaps(?), and then keep myself occupied with other stuff. Or I can just make them leave. Either way, moving the object of covet away from one and then burying oneself with loads of work will appear to be a good way of helping one recover from the issues of life.

Anyways... I think that I need to crash out and sleep. It's already 3am here (the blog clock runs on SGT), and I need to head out to the Waterfront to get some shopping done (I need new clothes, particularly pants) early in the morning. Aside: I need to be much more assertive of my feelings to people and be more consistent in how I react, otherwise people will be so fscking confused with what I do that they will not react. Another aside: Inner calm comes only when one can forget the critical points in time when one has a really bad experience. Unfortunately, with my elephant memory, I just can't seem to forget certain things.

Last aside: Girls here (or anywhere else, I presume) will not like me because I'm starting to seem to be too old and staid for their taste. Sadly, this is not an observation from me, but from a person who is... in the middle of the controversy. Perhaps controversy is too strong a word, let's say... issue. That's right. She's in the middle of the issue. So, ageism does play a part here. I have no idea what I was thinking when I thought that girls will like someone who's a little older than them (come on, 3 years is hardly too old). Apparently I was deluding myself. I think that I'm so running out of stuff to write about, just probably the fact that it is late and perhaps also the fact that I'm trying to refuse to be seduced to the dark thoughts.

How does one maintain calmness if the one thing that one covets is always under one's nose everyday?

And oh, being totally exhausted means that one doesn't have any recallable dreams; a good way to run away from the nightmares too.

Another weekend gone, another weekend closer to leaving this place where I feel so tormented. It's almost like National Service all over again.

New Regime + New Age

All right. New regime. The treadmill programme has to be cancelled, because they've recently installed a spanking new plasma television mounted on one corner of the room. That means that there will be lots of people who will be using the gym, since it is less boring than before to work out in there. Argh.

So, the new plan is to go swimming early in the morning at 7am for three times a week. That's right, swimming three times a week in the wee hours of the morning. That'll be the new plan till it is decided that even the pool is too crowded for my taste ha.

Due to the recent bad bad and bad state of mind that I am in, I'm now switching over the Kitaro's music once again. Sorry Teresa, not that I don't like your songs anymore, but I need something different to prop up myself while I sort out the internal conflicts. Your songs touch deeply within my heart... and it is my heart that is in need of introspection and healing. Please forgive me...

Check out the Buddha Bar compilations. The music is suitably chill and does not evoke extremely strong emotions of any sort. Pretty good complement to the New Age style of Kitaro.

Back to the grindstone. :-(

Just for today...

Just for today I will give thanks for my many blessings,
Just for today I will not worry,
Just for today I will not be angry,
Just for today I will do my work honestly,
Just for today I will be kind to my neighbour and every living thing.

Core tenets to Reiki (霊気). Quite an interesting energy manipulation technique.

And yes, I have completed a workshop on this, and am able to channel some of this energy. (=

Okay, back to real work now. Probably some rant tomorrow or later, depending on whether I actually have the time or not to do it. There's just so much to do for this week, so I'm not guaranteeing anything.

Oh, I've decided to re-invoke the powers of my Tiger's Eye bracelet. It's a time of great peril for me, and the use of this gemstone is probably the most effective now, metaphysically. Well, it is a bit unwieldy to be wearing a bracelet around, so I've gotten a Tiger's Eye Ring instead. Seems like it's properties make it very very useful for me, particularly in the times now. Why it never dawned on me earlier, I cannot remember, huhuhuhuh.

Ta-ta for now.

Old man never liked by younger girls

Old man never liked by younger girls.

Enough said.

Dead-of-the-night Words

Well, it is 0526hrs over here in Pittsburgh, and I'm still awake (yes, that's right, I am still awake: meaning I didn't sleep at all, so there). Almost everyone is asleep (well, except for me), and thus it seems like a great moment to really sit down and say some stuff.

As posted earlier (before I was totally sidetracked), my main problem is loneliness. And jealousy. Oh, you have no idea how strong jealousy is. It takes a normally rational me, and turns me into a complete emo-exploding person. Powerful emotion, jealousy is, rivalling even loneliness in trying to tear my psyche apart. It's always there, lurking beneath the surface, looking for moments where my emotional status is particularly fragile when it strikes, crippling me completely.

There are, of course, lots of things to be jealous about: other people's grades, or even the fact that people around me are getting hitched while I'm still sitting around. Well, I dunno... making all this monologue seems so senseless; I know that there may be many eyes who might glance and maybe even read what I've written here, but how many will be able to offer a useful remedy for the problem? That, I have no idea.

And so, the traumatic week has passed. Great, and now it's the weekend, where things really start to go haywire. Yes, this is negative thinking, but hear me out. I just can't help but think all these very very strange things; it's not deliberate, it just comes like that. I wonder why is it that all these appear now; could it be because that I'm no where near my family? Even when I was still in Singapore, I think I didn't really interact much with my family, but being in their presence has always some kind of a calming factor onto me. Now, almost half-way around the world, I find that if there's something that I really miss most, it is the silent camaraderie I get from being a part of a very close-knit group. Social integration has never been my strongest traits, and being so far away and in a totally different culture doesn't really help. At least, when I was back in Singapore, I could just put on a facade to the world just to live, and then go off home and relax; and by relax, I mean truly relax. But here, in the dorm and out, I'm always the same person that I present to the world; I cannot seem to be able to let my hair down even for a little bit. Sadly, half the stresses that I face here are mainly from the fact that there is no place where I can just chill out and just do what I like to do. It's always academics and work, and trying to maintain cordial friendship to all.

Cui and Xiaolu are now actively trying to help me in my predicament. They are just so... nice. Such nice friends, only pity is that they are no where near me, otherwise I'd figure things would have been more easily resolved. I have only one thing to think deeply about: what constitutes me actually? Why have I been so mighty screwed up in the head for the whole year of 2006 till date? More and more mysteries, and fewer and fewer answers. Contradicting statements: it's okay to feel jealousy, but then one can choose to ignore it because there's no reason to be jealous. How am I supposed to do all these? Everything (well, almost everything) in my personal life is in turmoil now, and how am I supposed to do anything about it? Am I being driven on the verge of madness through the tremendous amounts of stress that I am facing? Is there something even deeper that I am missing? Even more questions, and even fewer answers.

YT, if you are ever reading this, help me. Please. I think... I think that I need all the help that I can muster during this period. I'm really scared that I might just... end up in a tail-spin and go really cuckoo.

*frustrated*

So, one moment I'm emo-exploding, the next moment I'm just plain detached/analytical. What the hell is wrong with me? Why this split? When did this happen? How did it happen? I once thought that I was among the wisest for my age, but now everything seems to be going horribly wrong. Why? Why? Why? Even more hard-to-answer questions. I want to have close friends, and there are some who are close, and I seem to have problems with my definition of what a friend constitutes. So muddled, all the realities versus the fantasies of my mind. How did it all began? I'm really wondering deeply how come I'm turning into this uncomfortable state.

Yes, yes, I'm fully aware that this is a rant, but what else can I do about it? All I have is this blog to vent up pent-up discomfort, in the hopes that people who really care can see a public version of what is going on inside me, and perhaps help a little in guiding me back to the normalcy of normal life.

*cries* I can't figure any of these anymore... this is getting too much for me. I cannot understand why... nevermind. There's much that I don't understand anyway. *resigned sigh* I'll guess I'll head back to proof-me-land and try to seek solace in there, while hoping that my mind will sort itself out (if it doesn't, I have no idea what will happen...)...

A Burst of Spring

A decently nice day, in comparison to a really traumatic week. Lots of crazy stuff happened this week, most of which have thrown me into a deep emotional tar-pit from which I'm still trying to climb out of. I'm slightly happier, and am starting to appreciate the fact that I am, really, a talented individual. Hahaha, I even managed to do an Ocarina solo today. It started off a little wonky, lots of bad notes as I was nervous, but after the first few notes of the first song, things got a whole lot smoother. It was a wonderful hour, when I was playing the Ocarina. While no one literally stopped to listen (well, except for one campus police officer on the second floor of Kirr Commons who stood there and looked on as I played), at least no one was actively boo-ing me. And when I finished the final piece (aptly, "Auld Lang Syne"), there was a rousing applause throughout the entire Kirr Commons. It brought me back to the good old days when I was with TGCO and was performing with them at all sorts of functions/events.

Oh, and anyway, back to my little rant. (= So, there was this gradual build up of pent-up emotions over the past fortnight, partially from the double blow of rejection from someone and partially that almost everyone around me is starting to be all attached and stuff. There's also the tremendous amount of stress that I felt during the entire Spring break when I was looking at my less-than-stellar grades and wondering how in the name of everything that I am able to maintain the GPA 3.8 for this semester (it will be done, hahaha, no pressure lol). And for Spring break, I was practically holed up in my room for the most part, rarely venturing out due to the really bad weather. It didn't help that I was watching mainly dystopic quasi-violent films (like The Silence of the Lambs, Kill Bill, Battle Royale, Red Dragon, Doom among others), so it kind of added on to the sombre atmosphere in which the negative thinkings just flourished.

I broke down totally on Monday, as an accumulation of all those complicated feelings and the complete lack of sleep on Sunday. The details to what happened on Sunday... is something that I don't really wish to talk about publicly. Suffice to say, it is still something that I'm trying hard to live with.

So, I'm done in by Jung again. Hahahaha... latent subconscious versus the conscious. I'm starting to develop an aversion of being alone in my room, especially after the whole build up during Spring break. Well, to think of it, the biggest problem that I face today, is nothing about academics (it's hard, but still not completely impossible). It's the subconsciously self-inflicted preference for loneliness to run away from the people who had hurt me before. To think that that is the root of all my problems, is not something that I made on my own. Suffice to say, it'll be a long while before I can resolve this, but I guess that the first step that I can take for myself is to avoid staying in my room for prolonged periods of time and to really get out there and have real fresh air (and needed sunlight).

Nasty things have happened between me and Cui. Suddenly, there seems to be no reason why we might be talking with each other. Could I have gone too far that time when I had an emotional outburst at her? Or is there something else that I'm not picking up on?

In other news, the Quake II game that I ordered (original and under $15) had arrived and I realised that I do miss the First Person Shooter genre. I got Quake II because I was starting to get really irritated with the single dimension that Doom was offering—Doom is a great game, but it's time to move on. And the book on digital art techniques just arrived today, which means that I now have too many tons of books and have more stuff to study on. Homework is starting to come fast and furiously, and I'm starting to typeset all my mathematics homework (that's right, typeset with good old LaTex). That's because the homework nowadays is not like before, which required only simple computations; there's a need to write proofs for almost the whole assignment. And the art of proof writing is not unlike writing an essay; there are drafts and drafts of it to write, with revisions upon revisions to make. Writing out proofs on paper means that most of the time will be spent in the rewriting process, something that I wasn't really willing to do because it cost a lot of time and also cost a lot of resources in the form of paper. Besides, editting all such stuff in digital form just means that I can easily fix a proof that I think is errorneous and thus be able to provide a much more complete proof than I would ever achieve from normal writing alone.

All right, I'm spent from writing. That's all for now. Hopefully, I'll feel much better over the long run. Can't wait for the sun to actually start shining hahahaha.

Broken Down and Rebuilt

How much stress can one take before breaking down? Quite a fair bit, I suppose.

Suffice to say, after a certain... episode, I'm more or less calmed down by now.

Time to move on.

Deluding myself after all?

On second thoughts, am I just running away from reality by just adopting a smiling persona?

*sigh*

Maybe it's time to pay a visit to psych and counselling...

Smile! Smile!

I must remind myself of this:

Mun Thye, you don't belong here. Just do what you need to do, and then leave. Meanwhile, Smile! Smile!

If I don't I think I might just be driven insane with each day that I stay in the US, and that would really suck.

In case people start wondering where the heck that line came from, it is in response to the sad fact that my personal life is getting totally screwed over here.

Not Psychologically Unstable

And no, before anyone claims anything, I hereby declare that I am not psychologically unstable. Life's a pain, yes, but it will never affect me to the point where I lose my rationality. As long as my rational mind is still standing strong together with determination, I will never succumb to the darker sides of human nature.

So, it was quite a quiet week. Some programming was done, new ideas have formed, and I managed to do some packing; am likely to start sending packages of stuff back to Singapore. I am determined to return home with only one piece of luggage; no sense in bringing all my clothes back, for instance. Edythe has been reconfigured into a more mobile form now; the 120GB hard drive is forever portable, and the Wacom graphics tablet is always nicely packed so that I can just grab and go. Battery packs are always kept charged, and the bluetooth emitter is safely tucked away with the USB hub. The modular bay DVD-writer/reader is kept safely in a static-free bag complete with bubble wrap and slipped into the carry case, ready to be used when the unlikely event of needing to read an optical disc arises. The mouse is on semi-permanent retirement; it will only see use when I actually have the time to sit down and play a game or two that explicitly requires it. Just went to Radioshack to obtain a US-type transformer cord; so I can just plug Edythe into any US power socket without the need of having to lug a universal adapter. Oh, and I finally managed to get hold of a grounded adapter for my power brick (with grounding and fuse) to the mains. Still waiting for the screen protector to arrive; checked with the sales person and she said that the distributor will take up to mid April to send it. *shrugs* Shouldn't be a problem, I guess, in the meantime I just need to make sure that I keep the screen well cleaned always to avoid the weird markings caused from pressure of the centre of the LCD onto the keyboard.

Managed to finally get a more decent sketch pad that will not fall apart with insistent erasing; will be proceeding with the plan of a sketch-a-day-before-I-sleep, in the hopes that my drawing skill will improve fast enough for me to carry out my little summer project. Will probably use the old one for really throw-a-way works, the kind that one cannot use an eraser (simply because the damn paper will just get rubbed off as the eraser is used). Bought a small mannequin to aid in human figure studies; originally wanted to get Stikfas due to the ease of poseability, but the cost was too prohibitive and the proportions just weren't right.

Ocarina performance is on Mar 23, and I don't think that I have enough practice. Hoping deeply for a miracle to happen, or else I'm going to end up making a fool of myself. Speaking of Ocarinas, I think I should actually start epoxying my flutes (again), and follow the trick of using orange peels to humidify the bag, just like how they use to protect clarinets from the same fate.

Set theory is starting to fall into place. Suddenly realised that one of the books that I bought from the old books store contains interesting constructs that are directly pertaining to the problem areas that I have in set theory; very interesting and will probably dedicate Sunday to explore it in detail.

Japanese studies are almost grinding to a halt. I think I should work on perfecting the recognisation of the kana first, before I even try to do anything else. At least, I think that it is much easier that way than to try to do so many things at one go (considering the fact that my mind is constantly being blown away by the new material that I am learning from all my courses).

Probably have a quick scan through the GRE book to see what the whole shebang of GRE is all about; will devote more time to it during sophomore year.

Attempting to gather thoughts on the long delayed book on basic techniques for surviving programming competitions. Hopefully, I will actually have time to work on this. Original plan to publish on Lulu may not be that feasible; I think I'd just LaTeX the book and publish it online as a pdf file for download.

Teeline shorthand learning process remains unstarted; will probably first write a program that will generate arbritary words written in Teeline.

Linux kernel sources are downloaded and unpacked. Am reading through the 233MB of C source; very painful process. Some things don't make sense now; hopefully it will be clearer a little later.

The Palm Z22, very tempting price. However, I have no idea why I might want a PDA for, considering the fact that I actually store all my meeting information/schedule etc in my head or on paper. However, it does look good, and maybe I might buy it, if I can convince myself that it is indeed necessary. Well, anyone with experience with PDAs can help by leaving a comment or two on the actual uses of a PDA.

Fractal Transforms seem interesting, especially with regards to the ability to resample pictures without the usual artifacts from Lanczos Sinc or even the Bicubic or Bilinear Interpolations. Maybe I can make something good out of it... for compressing my digitised notes perhaps?

Okay... it's 5am now, and my mind is drifting. Time to sleep.

More Pain and Sadness

As the days go on, I cannot help but feel that my sense of sadness is ever increasing. It is an almost hopeless affair, trying to maintain some form of sanity that is left in my rapidly degrading emotions. Already, I start to laugh, cry and yell uncontrollably for no reason whatsoever, and even to punch the walls until my knuckles shake from the blunt trauma and the skin bleeding from the tears. Why? Why is this happening to me?

I look around and find that almost everyone is happy in their own little way, yet all that I see of myself is just a miserable being tortured by its mere existence. I hate this way of life; I hate this way of living. To live and see others enjoying the thrills and pleasures of life while I am stuck in a solitary corner is among the worst things that one can ever experience. There are so many times where I look in the mirror, and even though my reflection is what shows, all that I see is just the shadow of despair reflected back at me.

It's a pain everyday to wake up in fear and sadness, trying to make sense of what my meagre life has left. Everywhere I go, I feel as though I am being mocked at by the very people surrounding me; they seem to mock me for all my dumbness and overall badness. It seems then that I am just as I was, a social misfit of sort who never had the chance to figure out how life really is like, or how society is to be run.

To my horror, I realise that I cannot bear to be alone. Despite all my assumptions that I am a loner, I discover that in reality, I cannot stand to be alone. Even being with someone who doesn't speak a word, I am content. I just cannot be in a room all by myself, with no one talking to me, no one holding me; the walls just feel as though they are going to cave in at any moment, or that some strange and ugly monster of sorts will suddenly appear out of nowhere to attack me.

Misery; why is misery always dogging my every move? Even now, as I am evicted from my dwelling on campus by the pure jealousy that I feel when I'm in it and my room mate talking to someone where they have a mutual liking for, I still clamour for the moment where I will never be alone again. A futile thought, I guess; some people want security in a relationship, others want other things that may not seem to be too similar. Looking at myself vicariously, I find in me nothing that might inspire someone to actually befriend me. Most of my friends do not last; those who do, I trust deeply, but there's always a nagging feeling that one day, they will abandon me in exasperation, just like the legions of people before them.

I fear abandonment. I cannot stand being alone. Being obsoleted is among the worst deaths that I can ever forsee myself having. It is such a cold and scary thought that I dare not even contemplate the aftermath of the whole shebang. I should break away from it all, away from all this pain and suffering, away from all these unnecessary torture.

But how am I supposed to do this without resorting to a drastic measure like suicide?

Kinda Sad...

In reference to this poem:

It's kinda sad. Really. Spring break means that I am stuck here in Pittsburgh alone; pretty much a good festering ground for the spouting of all kinds of sad visions of myself. And no, I'm not contemplating suicide; thank goodness for that. It's just that, it is so hard to come to terms with myself over a lot of things. The last year has been a real pain in the ass; so much has happened, so many sad things have occurred, and so many more to come. Seems really sucky to be me huh...

It's been almost a week since she rejected me. I'm supposed to have gotten over it (actually I have gotten over the particular instance), but it has triggered yet another one of those deep-felt responses that I have no way of controlling. What am I doing here? What do I want in my life? Fundamental questions like these haunt me everyday whenever I am not doing anything that will distract me (read: homework). It's sad.

There are some girls whom I might want to know more about, but have not had the chance to really get close to them to. But that is not the point; the more fundamental question to ask is, what do I want, really? What do I see if I approach the said girls? What is the real aim that I have behind all these "I want a girlfriend" rants?

From a logical front, all of these are just... frivolous. I mean, I am after all a foreigner of these parts, and it is almost unthinkable that I can start (and maintain) a relationship with some local girl; it is likely to end in tears as she won't want to follow me when I need to return to sunny Singapore. Besides, no one really cares about me in this part of the world; the sooner that I am dead or otherwise removed from the rat race, the happier everyone will be since there will be one less competitor. It kinda sucks to think of things this way, but I guess that it is somehow valid in the current context.

Even close friends turn away from me. Phil is so engulfed in his girlfriend that he seems to be actively trying to assert his capabilities by putting me down as much as he can in front of her; Mo is starting to hang out with a different bunch of people and also starting to kind of put me down as much as he can; and Linda is getting more and more indifferent. I guess if I just went up to the cathedral of learning and leap off (and thus die), no one will really care. *shrugs*

*sighs* What else can I say? This is just a monologue of mine, and from the looks of it, my writing abilities are starting to get really hampered with all these emotional baggages. Why oh why am I still retaining human traits? If I am just a logical machine of sorts, all these contradicting feelings will not happen as I can just apply logic to the whole thing and things will kind of work out right. But it is never to be; I'm still human after all these years.

Perhaps I should stop exposing myself to the world and thus reduce the exposure of my human side. It seems to be doing more harm than good to me. Perhaps being a loner is the best thing for me after all, never mind what people say about people who "go it alone".

Modular Battery Rules Supreme

Interesting day. My new modular bay battery gives extra juice to Edythe; instead of the theoretical limit of 4 hours of battery life, I'm now looking at a cool 8 hours of battery life! Like most things in life, there's a trade-off; with the modular bay used for the battery pack, I can't have the DVD drive attached to the same modular bay. Not that is is going to be a really big problem, considering the fact that most of the stuff that I need nowadays are from online instead of from some disc source; anyway I just bring along the DVD drive if I know that I might want to need to use it or something.

Yes yes, I know it costs money, but I'm now turning into a real mobile code warrior. That battery pack is going to save my butt again and again as I trudge around the campus trying to buy time to get things done. In that regard, I've just ordered a screen protector to keep the LCD as blemish free as possible. Bringing Edythe around in my backpack means that the central portion of the LCD will often undergo quite a fair bit of stress, which means that the display can get kinda "scratched" by the keys on the keyboard at that region. In line with my new "mobile code warrior" image, I need to ensure that the screen is well protected, so that I don't need to rely on crazy cleaning stuff in order to make the screen much more visible (since I usually set the brightness to the absolute minimum and thus a dirt mark on the screen appears as a very big blob of stuff).

Hmm... now for some stock take. Edythe has:

1. Extra modular battery
2. 1 External 120GB hard drive on USB
3. 1 Wacom graphics tablet
4. 1 External 500GB hard drive on USB/Firewire

Guess that it should be enough for now.

Edythe is so powered up now that I have no idea what else I might want to add. Mobility is such a powerful concept...

To the ladies of my life...

To the ladies of my life, I'm sorry for disappointing all of you time and again. There's so many things that I could have done right, for the sake of no one but myself, but it seems that my internal state has never had enough capability to get out of the rut hole that I have dug myself into over the years.

I've infuriated you all on more than one occasion; to those who got too frustrated with my stubborn ways and have left the scene, I apologise deeply. To those who still hang around putting up with my nonsense, I thank you deeply. While my ways may be antagonistic, I really appreciate that you all still stick it out and provide me with the much needed advice.

To the ladies who could-have-been in my life, I apologise for not being able to make it happen. It could have been my insensitivity to your needs, or it could be bad timing, or even overall bad decisions that I have made. I apologise also for the potential scarring that you have had from the bad experience that you had from me. Hopefully, you will find your true happiness from someone else; I don't believe that I'm a good provider of such happiness, given the brooding nature of my character.

To the ladies who might-want-to-be in my life, I apologise for not being astute enough to sense that you are interested in me. I know that despite all the gender equality that we are propounding, there are still some girls who prefer the man to make the move. I apologise for not being the person who takes the initiative; I've underwent far too many missteps to really have the courage left to "make the first move". Forgive me, and if you think that I'm too much of a wussy for your taste, do go on and look for someone more worthy of you.

That all said, Cui has been berating me with the same question over and over again. What am I seeking in life? What things make me happy? Well, the one true thing that makes me happy is to have a close and intimate partner in life with which I can share my thoughts, my feelings, my triumphs, my failures, my epiphanies, my silliness with. Unfortunately, this is never going to happen due to one reason or another, so I guess I should stop casting my hopes so high up. I should really just stick with my lot in life and do what I really can do; no sense seeking things that I know I will never be able to reach. People like me do not deserve to be a part of the gene pool; socially inept people are just never meant to be a part of society. Perhaps with a good enough contribution to society will I be able to integrate well.

I said this once, I shall say it again. A*STAR will be proud that they have one driven and un-distracted scholar who will slave away his life for them forever.

I'm "fine"

I'm fine. At least on the outside. Internally, this is how I feel:

Pink Slip

If you can pick some colour to describe your life, what would it be?

The colour that best describes my life, is the colour of black. Like black, I'm unknown, foreboding, mysterious. Like black, a certain elegance, a certain melancholy, a certain incomprehension of the lightness beyond. Like black, uninviting, disquieting, mourning.

Life's a bitch. Long hours proving lots and lots of theorems, falling sick time and again from all the stress, learning new abstract concepts everyday. And now, another new thing to make me go down to hell all over again—another rejection.

How much fun it is, to be rejected, time and again, not because of some reason over cheating, or over some misunderstanding, but because one is just oneself. Apparently, honesty is something that no one ever treasures in this world; you see crooks getting away with eloquent lawyers, girls being attracted to "bad" boys, and cheaters of all kinds gaining all the advantages from the cheating they do. There is so much that happened in the recent few weeks that I think that I've not treated well enough in this blog. Most of my words are incoherent and incomplete, and are in general, just full of short, punctuated words with hardly any meaning.

The sad thing is that while I wanted the latest to succeed, deep inside me, I knew that it would fail. There's so many reasons why it could fail, and knowing my denseness, I'll probably not know the real reason why it fails. Nor do I want to really look into this issue. I've realised that the me that I know, is just a good worker and no more. All those hocus pocus of having some kind of a human spirit within me is just plain hogwash. And sadly, though I think that I'm some kind of a nice guy, the truth is really far from the matter: I think now that I'm probably among the most insensitive cad to have walked on this earth.

I have no soul. All that remains is just the husk of what was me. I'm no longer like anything that I was. I tried playing the 笛子 recently and realised that my embouchre is completely and utterly screwed and that my fingers are not as dextrous as they were. When I walk, I realise that my legs do not move as fast as before; the quick rolling hip gait has been slowed down by the rolls of fat that have gathered around my thighs. When I talk, I realise that I'm no longer coherent, nor am I able to assert myself strongly. Why? What has gone wrong with me?

I'll probably never know. *sigh* Ranting on a blog can be fairly therapeutic, but then again there are things that I feel I should never really put up on the blog, no matter what circumstance. People don't really like me (that's a fact), and I now start to think that females actually loathe me. It's really sad to be in such a state; the sense of lost that one feels whenever one looks around and realises that one is truly alone is really frustrating.

Perhaps it is true that I'm not suited for having relationships. I know, for a fact, that people talk to me only because they have a pressing need to; given a choice, no one will actually initiate a conversation with me. Actually, this is proven through the simple act of who starts the conversation on any form of instant messaging; it is I who is usually the initiator, and I can let my IM clients run for days on end with no one wanting to chat unless they have something that they want to ask me about.

So, why not change? Sure, change sounds like a good idea, but the question is, change into what? Kangyi, during his mini-excursion over to CMU earlier this semester, told me that I should tone it down, because people cannot really understand why I do things the way I do. Cui told me (many many times) to be a little more normal. Latest girl cited issues of incompatibility for the rejection, which I think should be interpreted as she telling me that I do not inspire security and other relationship related stuff. Normalcy—what are you, really? Does it mean that I need to dumb down myself so that people can understand what I say? Or does it mean that I've been spouting gibberish for so long that no one can understand what I mean?

*sigh* All these internal anger just whirrs around in my head. It's not anger at the people around me (why would I want to do that?), but anger at my own ineptness. So much... pain comes from within, but I still show a zany face to the world, showing that things are still kinda fine. But who am I kidding, really? In the past, I've made Esther angry enough to not want to talk to me, YT angry enough to still not want to talk to me via online means, and a whole plethora of other people that I don't want to start mentioning. It's sad. Really sad.

When will I ever learn?

《爱情有什么理由》

《爱情有什么理由》——李宗盛，张艾嘉
(张)其实一个人的生活也不算太坏
(李)其实一个人的生活也不算太坏
偶尔有些小小的悲哀
我想别人也看不出来
即使孤单会使我伤怀
也会试着让自己想得开
(李)对你不知道是已经习惯还是爱
(张)对你不知道是已经习惯还是爱
当初所坚持的心情
是不是还依然存在
眼看这一季就要过去
我的春天还没有来
(合)你为何不掉过头去
让我自己去面对问题
你尝试着不露痕迹
告诉我爱情的道理
你认为值得努力的
是我俩之间的距离
喔这一季(喔这一季)
总算有些值得回忆(值得回忆)

Yeah Baby Yeah~!

I'm gonna quote from an old entry.

I'm so mad and sad at the same time that I'm going to do my homework.

Yeah Baby Yeah~! Another rejection to the list. Woo-hoo~! *maniacal dance*

Ph34r my m4d skillz...


《激情过后》——张清芳

是谁狂妄地占据我的心
不让我有一丝的空隙
天天相见 却无时不思念
夜夜相依却留下 哭泣的你
是你再度回到我的身边
混乱我原有的平静
不得不说出 我的思绪
结局依旧是分离
在激情过后 我分析我自己
竟是不敢告诉你 依然爱你
在激情过后 我空虚不已
分离只是为了让你回忆
是你再度回到我的身边
混乱我原有的平静
不得不说出 我的思绪
结局依旧是分离
在激情过后 我分析我自己
竟是不敢告诉你 依然爱你
在激情过后 我空虚不已
分离只是为了让你回忆
在激情过后 我分析我自己
竟是不敢告诉你 依然爱你
在激情过后 我空虚不已
分离只是为了让你回忆


别再说是谁的错
让一切成灰
除非放下心中的负累
一切难以挽回
你总爱让往事跟随
怕过去白费
你总以为要体会人生
就要多爱几回
与其让你在我怀中枯萎
宁愿你犯错后悔
让你飞向梦中的世界
留我独自伤悲
与其让你在我爱中憔悴
宁愿你受伤流泪
莫非要你尝尽了苦悲
才懂真情可贵


《遗憾》——许美静
别再说是谁的错
让一切成灰
除非放下心中的负累
一切难以挽回
你总爱让往事跟随
怕过去白费
你总以为要体会人生
就要多爱几回
与其让你在我怀中枯萎
宁愿你犯错后悔
让你飞向梦中的世界
留我独自伤悲
与其让你在我爱中憔悴
宁愿你受伤流泪
莫非要你尝尽了苦悲
才懂真情可贵

与其让你在我怀中枯萎
宁愿你犯错后悔
让你飞向梦中的世界
留我独自伤悲
与其让你在我爱中憔悴
宁愿你受伤流泪
莫非要你尝尽了苦悲
才懂真情可贵

莫非要你尝尽了苦悲
才懂真情可贵
才懂真情可贵



《温柔的拒绝》——薛岳
假如说我能减少一份　对你的爱
我将不致感到　如此地无奈
我多么希望栖息　在你柔柔的胸怀
可是你只轻轻地　把头甩

假如说我能减少一份　对你的爱
我将不致感到　如此地无奈
我多么希望栖息　在你柔柔的胸怀
可是你只轻轻地　把头甩

年轻的日子　应该是多姿多彩
难道你真愿意　让它一片空白
纵然我日日夜夜　切切地等待
你温柔的拒绝　却没有更改
你温柔的拒绝　却没有更改

假如说我能减少一份　对你的爱
我将不致感到　如此地无奈
我多么希望栖息　在你柔柔的胸怀
可是你只轻轻地　把头甩

年轻的日子　应该是多姿多彩
难道你真愿意　让它一片空白
纵然我日日夜夜　切切地等待
你温柔的拒绝　却没有更改
你温柔的拒绝　却没有更改

年轻的日子　应该是多姿多彩
难道你真愿意　让它一片空白
纵然我日日夜夜　切切地等待
你温柔的拒绝　却没有更改
你温柔的拒绝　却没有更改

It's gonna be a long night...

Recursive flattening, recurrences, Physics papers, combinatorics assignments, laundry...

It's gonna be a long night tonight.

And I swear that Java is one language that makes one go lazy. Thank goodness that I still program in C... I can't imagine how I'd be like if all I can program in is a language that literally spoils you.

Okay, enough diversion... back to work!