"Misanthropy"

The rather unfortunate thing about me is that massive crushes are the most that I can ever feel for a girl. For some reason, I don't seem to be able to break out of that persona of mine to really want to get into a long term relationship with anyone; for a while I thought that being with someone exclusive was probably a really good thing to look forward to.

Now, I just feel that with the amount of technology and knowledge in my hands, why do I want to end up in a relationship in the first place?

I mean, let's be realistic. I'm pretty much the same old geeky person that I have always been—nothing is ever going to change that fact. Absolutely nothing. Sure, I might like to flirt a little, I guess, and maybe end up with massive crushes on some girls. But I know that I cannot proceed any further than that. Is this despair? Perhaps, but for sure I know that a self-existent world is still a world nonetheless.

Throughout this break, I tried thinking about how it is like to be with someone for the rest of my life. Sadly, they don't seem to work out well; I just cannot see myself in that light as a person who is actually loved by another person. My world is that of computers and abstraction, not the world where humans inhabit. Misanthropic behaviour? I'm not discounting that possibility.

I just don't feel ready enough for things like that. Period. That's all I can say at this point in time.

Can anyone actually imagine me with a person for a long term relationship? That very notion doesn't make any sense at all! Maybe all I am good for is just basic friendship, someone that one can rely on when one needs help of some sort. But I'm probably not good enough to be that special someone who lights up other's days.

It's really ridiculous, but hey, if this is the way things are supposed to be, they will be. Besides, considering the fact that my next 13 years of my life are going to be dictated by work anyway, it probably doesn't matter that much.

My tune might change in the future, but who really knows what lies ahead in the future? I'm just going to ride the waves and see where the tide takes me—there's really no point worrying about things like this right now. Especially now, since I'm technically a foreigner in a foreign land, the more that the "hooking up" concept will just not work out well.

In other [less depressing] news, I've found something rather interesting. I remembered that about 10 years ago (oh god I'm old), I had this amazing English teacher who made us do all kinds of writing assignments which honed our writing prowess. Now, I feel that my fiction writing skills are rusty, and then on a random stumbling about day, I found WriteThis 2, a creative writing utility that generates writing exercises to be completed. It is rather useful, and I might just put up a new blog with some of the stuff that I wrote while doing the exercises.

Keep your eyes peeled!