The Poison of Some

Alright, now that it has been a few hours that I last talked about going on hiatus with respect to facebook, let me bring up some reasons why I think that this is a good idea, lest people start to think that I am going crazy and out to kill myself or something from the social isolation.

It is really not about an isolationist policy. The truth is, there are people who are just poison, and then there are those who are really supportive. I had always known that, and I'm starting to see more and more of such examples. I need the time to myself to consolidate things, to galvanise my own will against the ever changing and harsh world. I need to remind myself that the past happened, was there, and will not be here again.

In short, I have to move on and learn to be emotionally and intellectually independent.

The whole ``short messages lol'' syndrome that I am getting from Facebook et al is really reducing my ability to debate and to think. I started simple, by relying on email notifications from Facebook on things that were happening so that I didn't have to poll the place---it didn't work out because there were just too many things that were happening, with people updating their status on their happy marriages, awesome new jobs or sometimes bad things that happen to them. Then I eschewed that and decided to check in as and when I felt ``bored'' enough to do so---it ended up with me mindless refreshing the damn news feed every thirty seconds with hardly any updates on it.

I need to channel my obsession and compulsion into something more productive. Like actually learning how to think deeper, for example. Like asking questions and trying to answer them, for example. You know, like the very skills that a good researcher needs to have.

I used to think that I just needed a PhD for my job, to show that I didn't suck, to show that I had something in me. I had long dumped the idea that I would be a good researcher.

Well, fuck that. I want to be a damn good researcher. I have been pussy-footing for too much already, thinking about the ``normal'' life that I was missing, casting doubt on myself as to whether this was what I wanted every time I felt overwhelmed.

In short, I was being a coward. And I blame it on the poison that I have been inadvertently imbibing by hanging around too much on dem social networks.

When Facebook didn't exist, I was the stud. I spent time on my own, reading, thinking, having fun working out new stuff. Then Facebook came on, and I got suckered into the sordid drama that is associated with it. Naturally, productivity and my sanity went straight to hell and have been there for quite a while now.

Time to fight back. I keep saying that, but I need to make it a reality. My very sanity is dependent on it.

Thank you to my friends and acquaintances who counselled me to realise this fact in my life. I don't want to be in the state where I get kicked off the programme, only to realise how much I really wanted it, discovering that the only reason I failed was that I wasn't tenacious nor hungry enough to pursue it. I will ruminate such issues when I am dead and cremated, not now.

I will not bow down to pressure. I will face it the way I have done so for the last 20+ years of my life.

I am here because I chose to be here. I must never forget that.