It feels a little different, writing on Elysie instead of Elyse (no, there's no typo there). First of all, I am sitting much further from my text on Elysie than on Elyse---something about having a fairly large screen I suppose. Secondly, things just feel a little different when one is just sitting down and chilling out a little, with the help of a little bit of alcohol to help soothe the nerves.
The night time air always feels different for me. It is as though being nocturnal was something that I secretly loved to do, that somehow I commune better when there is less light outside. Unfortunately, it would appear that ever since that I have done the LASIK surgery, my night vision hasn't really been the same as it was, and that the glare of lights are still playing havoc on my overall perception of objects around me. For that reason, I actually wear sunglasses even when it is dark out, relying heavily on my rods to provide the necessary resolving power to see better in the dark.
Well, I'm rambling again. I started off trying to write something, and then got severely side tracked as I get FL Studio 9.0 to install on Elyse. Ugh... I can't multitask at all.
This sucks.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Shoot Me In The Heart...
I realise recently that there's a strange progression that is going on. I am starting to become more and more emotionally disturbed, swinging very strongly from one polarity to another. One moment I feel like I don't need the world, and that going alone has always been my destiny, while the next moment I feel wretched and crave for that special someone just to be with.
What the hell is wrong with me?
What the hell is wrong with me?
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Spooked
So I am basically rather spooked. This morning, when I woke up, I found that the only thing I could remember was that I was sobbing in my dreams, and someone was hugging me only in my dreams to tell me that things are alright. Of course, the strange thing was that it wasn't any random person, but a particular #cslounge denizen (she shall remain unnamed, though by this description, I have radically reduced the set to something that is rather small to enumerate).
I don't know what my unconscious/subconscious is trying to tell me here. Is it trying to tell me that things are alright? Or is it telling me that it is feeling rather sad that I'm all alone and single and things like that? Or is it telling me somehow that even though I am somewhat ambivalent in terms of emotion, I am actually not in really good shape and thus it is trying to reassure me?
So many interpretations available, each having enough merits to suggest that it is the ``right'' one. But these are all just interpretations of a dream---there is hardly any way of ascertaining which is the most ``correct'' interpretation of them all.
I suppose I don't really know what my unconscious/subconscious is trying to tell me after all.
And yes, life. The last few posts were rather erratic in content---expect this one to develop in a similar fashion. I just find that as the days go by, I end up being grouchier and grouchier, either as a result of people leaving or as the cause of people leaving, where by ``leaving'' I do mean in terms of getting less involved with me in my sorry life.
I don't know... somehow it feels that the people that I once thought I know are like strangers to me now---I hardly know what they are thinking anymore. Maybe I'm turning into a more cynical person having had my emotions ``toyed'' with and my heart torn and smashed into smithereens. Or maybe these folks are like me and have changed their form into something that is much different from before.
What makes this time period special is that this time, I am truly alone. The old support network that I used to rely on to help me get back on my feet is no longer existent due to a variety of reasons, the most striking of which is that people gradually drift away into their own lives. Let's face it---I'm nowhere near any of those people whom I claim to be a part of my support network, so the tendency to drift away eventually is natural.
Besides, if the law of reciprocity were true, this is yet another natural application of the law, since the folks who made up my support network have hardly seek advice from me. Call it karma or dharma (cannot remember which is the correct technical term).
Perhaps it is the time for a revolution of sorts, a reorganising of life, the changing from one phase of life to another. I had more or less foresaw this quite a while back, and perhaps that's why I'm still rather calm as compared to the most obvious reaction I would have a few years back. Well, perhaps not that calm---I still some have some strange macabre thoughts involving blood-drawing and death, but they are not disruptive enough to be considered anything more than a lapse in judgement due to exhaustion from thinking; bottomline is that I'm somewhat calm, and most certainly calm enough to just get things done.
I think that the hot and humid weather doesn't really help much in calming the mind and the soul---there's always this sticky layer of perspiration that clings on the surface of the skin. That said layer is not thick enough to disintegrate into sweat droplets (and thus fall off said skin), nor is it thin enough that it will evaporate fast on its own. Overall muggy feeling---that must contribute to some aspect of the crabby feeling.
Life progresses I suppose, in one way or another. I'm not consumed by an obsession to find a girlfriend and/or get laid, nor am I desperately seeking nonsensical distractions to keep my mind away from things like that. I'm just deciding to take a step backwards and outwards, to withdraw a little into my shell, and contemplate about the next moves that I want to make.
The world's a cruel place man... anyone who says otherwise is either too damn rich or too damn good a liar...
I don't know what my unconscious/subconscious is trying to tell me here. Is it trying to tell me that things are alright? Or is it telling me that it is feeling rather sad that I'm all alone and single and things like that? Or is it telling me somehow that even though I am somewhat ambivalent in terms of emotion, I am actually not in really good shape and thus it is trying to reassure me?
So many interpretations available, each having enough merits to suggest that it is the ``right'' one. But these are all just interpretations of a dream---there is hardly any way of ascertaining which is the most ``correct'' interpretation of them all.
I suppose I don't really know what my unconscious/subconscious is trying to tell me after all.
And yes, life. The last few posts were rather erratic in content---expect this one to develop in a similar fashion. I just find that as the days go by, I end up being grouchier and grouchier, either as a result of people leaving or as the cause of people leaving, where by ``leaving'' I do mean in terms of getting less involved with me in my sorry life.
I don't know... somehow it feels that the people that I once thought I know are like strangers to me now---I hardly know what they are thinking anymore. Maybe I'm turning into a more cynical person having had my emotions ``toyed'' with and my heart torn and smashed into smithereens. Or maybe these folks are like me and have changed their form into something that is much different from before.
What makes this time period special is that this time, I am truly alone. The old support network that I used to rely on to help me get back on my feet is no longer existent due to a variety of reasons, the most striking of which is that people gradually drift away into their own lives. Let's face it---I'm nowhere near any of those people whom I claim to be a part of my support network, so the tendency to drift away eventually is natural.
Besides, if the law of reciprocity were true, this is yet another natural application of the law, since the folks who made up my support network have hardly seek advice from me. Call it karma or dharma (cannot remember which is the correct technical term).
Perhaps it is the time for a revolution of sorts, a reorganising of life, the changing from one phase of life to another. I had more or less foresaw this quite a while back, and perhaps that's why I'm still rather calm as compared to the most obvious reaction I would have a few years back. Well, perhaps not that calm---I still some have some strange macabre thoughts involving blood-drawing and death, but they are not disruptive enough to be considered anything more than a lapse in judgement due to exhaustion from thinking; bottomline is that I'm somewhat calm, and most certainly calm enough to just get things done.
I think that the hot and humid weather doesn't really help much in calming the mind and the soul---there's always this sticky layer of perspiration that clings on the surface of the skin. That said layer is not thick enough to disintegrate into sweat droplets (and thus fall off said skin), nor is it thin enough that it will evaporate fast on its own. Overall muggy feeling---that must contribute to some aspect of the crabby feeling.
Life progresses I suppose, in one way or another. I'm not consumed by an obsession to find a girlfriend and/or get laid, nor am I desperately seeking nonsensical distractions to keep my mind away from things like that. I'm just deciding to take a step backwards and outwards, to withdraw a little into my shell, and contemplate about the next moves that I want to make.
The world's a cruel place man... anyone who says otherwise is either too damn rich or too damn good a liar...
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Friends are Transient---Only Death and Taxes are Certain
And so it begins again, the self-imposed social isolation from the things that distract and annoy me at the same time. Once more I find that the so-called ``friends'' of mine are just nothing but apparitions that flit about carelessly, tipping trash cans and crashing into fragile feelings.
People's lives are evolving yet again, and we find that as time goes by, the divergence gets greater and greater.
I've been a fool to think that friends last forever.
Nothing lasts forever---for every beginning, there is an end. For every end, there will be a new beginning. And the cycle repeats itself, ad nauseum.
Why the sudden bitterness? Probably from a few revelations that I seem to be getting from observing how my world is simultaneously recreating itself and destroying it self at the same time, and from watching other people's manoeuvres in life. It seems that I'm not in the best possible shape there is.
Alright, I'm rambling even now... I should stop. Maybe more will come later...
People's lives are evolving yet again, and we find that as time goes by, the divergence gets greater and greater.
I've been a fool to think that friends last forever.
Nothing lasts forever---for every beginning, there is an end. For every end, there will be a new beginning. And the cycle repeats itself, ad nauseum.
Why the sudden bitterness? Probably from a few revelations that I seem to be getting from observing how my world is simultaneously recreating itself and destroying it self at the same time, and from watching other people's manoeuvres in life. It seems that I'm not in the best possible shape there is.
Alright, I'm rambling even now... I should stop. Maybe more will come later...
Monday, September 07, 2009
Confused Lamentations
Charades after charades, conspiracies after conspiracies, love after love, pain after pain.
Things do occur in cycles huh.
Again, I am lamenting a little about life (or what is left of it), and just contemplating about the various aspects of life that I cannot fully control. It is strange though, to be thinking about things such as this, when there are probably more weighty issues to think about.
One thing that you might have noticed from reading posts here is that the number of posts have gone down, and are getting more and more sporadic in nature---that's because I've [re]started writing entries in a personal log that is no where available online, just so that I can spew more words than what the standard social norms might want to allow.
I'm not sure if I'm feeling down only because I am feeling as though I'm about to come down with something---the body is lethargic and the mind is slow while the brain has a dull throbbing headache through it. So disquieting.
I have a couple of personal projects lined up, and if time permits, I might be able to talk more about them. Meanwhile, I probably ought to get back to work or something like that...
Things do occur in cycles huh.
Again, I am lamenting a little about life (or what is left of it), and just contemplating about the various aspects of life that I cannot fully control. It is strange though, to be thinking about things such as this, when there are probably more weighty issues to think about.
One thing that you might have noticed from reading posts here is that the number of posts have gone down, and are getting more and more sporadic in nature---that's because I've [re]started writing entries in a personal log that is no where available online, just so that I can spew more words than what the standard social norms might want to allow.
I'm not sure if I'm feeling down only because I am feeling as though I'm about to come down with something---the body is lethargic and the mind is slow while the brain has a dull throbbing headache through it. So disquieting.
I have a couple of personal projects lined up, and if time permits, I might be able to talk more about them. Meanwhile, I probably ought to get back to work or something like that...
Friday, September 04, 2009
Unbeautiful
Hmm... RX linked this up some time back, right about when Ida broke up with me, and only now do I have the time to listen to it.
Maybe I will talk more some other time...
Unbeautiful------Lesley RoyI dunno... I seem to still be affected by this song...
Don't hang up, can we talk?
So confused, it's like I'm lost.
What went wrong? What made you go?
Don't pretend you don't know...
This is me, I'm unchangeable.
When did we fall apart?
Or did you lie from the start?
When you said it's only you;
I was blind, such a fool...
Thinking we were unbreakable.
It was you and me against the world,
And you promised me forever more.
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
'Cause I gotta know what made me unbeautiful.
I've been told what's done is done,
To let it go and carry on.
And deep inside I know that's true,
I'm stuck in time, stuck on you...
We were still untouchable.
It was you and me against the world,
And you promised me forever more.
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
'Cause I gotta know what made me unbeautiful.
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up,
'Cause I'm only dreamin'.
Get out, get out, get out, get out
Get out of my head now...
Because we're much better all together...
Can't let go!
It was you and me against the world,
And you promised me forever more...
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
'Cause I gotta know what made me unbeautiful...
It was you and me against the world,
And you promised me forever more...
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
'Cause I gotta know what made me unbeautiful...
Made me unbeautiful.
Maybe I will talk more some other time...
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
You Should Have Flashed Me Instead of Making Fun of Me
So yesterday I was going home from work, and was walking past a covered amphitheatre to get to the shopping mall when I was accosted by a pretty young thing in a black two-piece business suit with a skirt. Naturally, I was not too enthused at that time because it was late (nearly 2000hrs) and I wanted to get some errands done, so I just walked on, with no change in my velocity vector.
Usually that would spell the end of things, and there wouldn't be a post.
What happened was simultaneously the most silly and disturbing thing that occurred. No, she did not flash at me, but rather, she made a very snarky comment.
``Oh, the sun is very bright hor?''
Eight o'clock at night, and the sun being bright? Surely you jest? To put things into a better perspective, I was listening to my music player which was integrated with my sunglasses [so that I don't have to waste time using my eyes to tell people to leave me alone]. The sunglasses help too even though it is fairly dark because it helps to reduce the glare and halo from those point sources of light.
And so, because of the said sunglasses, I was greeted with such a snarky comment. I mean, in the bid to be ``friendlier'' so that she could get what she wanted (which was very likely some survey of some sort, or even some credit application thing), she decided to make what she thought was a witty and interesting comment, without realising that not all comments that one thinks are witty are indeed so. Heck, she probably had a better chance of catching my attention by flashing at me.
All she did now was to make me chagrined enough to write an entry on how people now are not using their brains correctly to obtain what they want.
It is true though, the overall scheme of things. People these days have become so individualistic that they sort of forgot that if they have want help from others, they will need to ``prostrate themselves'' in order to get the said help, and of course I do not mean this literally. It is a fact of life that one tries to at least appear sincere or serious when one is seeking another's help. So imagine my confusion and anger when I am greeted by such a snarky comment. What if I had a true medical condition that demanded that I wear sunglasses (conjunctivitis comes to mind)? What would happen then?
I suppose this ties in with the whole ``I will try to put you down as much as I can'' situation that is common in Singapore. Ever since I was young with all the rather obvious skin allergies and rashes, I've sort of known this fact. In a bid to be friendly, people become too forward, and very quickly create an odious aura about them. The veneer of civility seems to be grossly misinterpreted by a lot of people here.
How can we be world class if we don't even know when to be friendly?
Usually that would spell the end of things, and there wouldn't be a post.
What happened was simultaneously the most silly and disturbing thing that occurred. No, she did not flash at me, but rather, she made a very snarky comment.
``Oh, the sun is very bright hor?''
Eight o'clock at night, and the sun being bright? Surely you jest? To put things into a better perspective, I was listening to my music player which was integrated with my sunglasses [so that I don't have to waste time using my eyes to tell people to leave me alone]. The sunglasses help too even though it is fairly dark because it helps to reduce the glare and halo from those point sources of light.
And so, because of the said sunglasses, I was greeted with such a snarky comment. I mean, in the bid to be ``friendlier'' so that she could get what she wanted (which was very likely some survey of some sort, or even some credit application thing), she decided to make what she thought was a witty and interesting comment, without realising that not all comments that one thinks are witty are indeed so. Heck, she probably had a better chance of catching my attention by flashing at me.
All she did now was to make me chagrined enough to write an entry on how people now are not using their brains correctly to obtain what they want.
It is true though, the overall scheme of things. People these days have become so individualistic that they sort of forgot that if they have want help from others, they will need to ``prostrate themselves'' in order to get the said help, and of course I do not mean this literally. It is a fact of life that one tries to at least appear sincere or serious when one is seeking another's help. So imagine my confusion and anger when I am greeted by such a snarky comment. What if I had a true medical condition that demanded that I wear sunglasses (conjunctivitis comes to mind)? What would happen then?
I suppose this ties in with the whole ``I will try to put you down as much as I can'' situation that is common in Singapore. Ever since I was young with all the rather obvious skin allergies and rashes, I've sort of known this fact. In a bid to be friendly, people become too forward, and very quickly create an odious aura about them. The veneer of civility seems to be grossly misinterpreted by a lot of people here.
How can we be world class if we don't even know when to be friendly?
Sunday, August 30, 2009
New Icon, New Terror
Oh how life goes! One moment one is happy, the next, angry and annoyed, and then suddenly all depressed. This is such a confusing thing... and to make matters worst, enough of the close friends of mine have all seem to have big problems of their own, and they are all starting to drift away trying to deal with them.
So if you've looked closely at the profile pictures, you would find that my emblem now has a dark triangle in the upper left corner, a concept that I call ``half-shrouded in darkness''. What's the significance, you might ask. Well, it is the embodiment of the current state of affairs, where I am teetering between the light and the dark, the orthodox and the unorthodox, the---you get the idea. What was essentially a ``pure'' symbol now finds the darkness corrupting itself from the top-left, symbolic because the left is where the logical side of the mind rests. That's right, the logic itself is getting corrupted by the darkness, and the only thing that is resisting it is the hacker side in the lower right corner, as shown by the glider, which is the universal hacker symbol.
So, bordering between darkness and light, a confused throng of uncomfortable feelings and thoughts, all amalgamated into what is the current me. Perhaps this life of mine is on the verge of ending, but somehow I think not---the trials and tribulations are just what makes life interestingly hard and provide just enough kick to see one's true mettle, I suppose.
*sigh*
Am I just blathering here to make myself feel better?
So if you've looked closely at the profile pictures, you would find that my emblem now has a dark triangle in the upper left corner, a concept that I call ``half-shrouded in darkness''. What's the significance, you might ask. Well, it is the embodiment of the current state of affairs, where I am teetering between the light and the dark, the orthodox and the unorthodox, the---you get the idea. What was essentially a ``pure'' symbol now finds the darkness corrupting itself from the top-left, symbolic because the left is where the logical side of the mind rests. That's right, the logic itself is getting corrupted by the darkness, and the only thing that is resisting it is the hacker side in the lower right corner, as shown by the glider, which is the universal hacker symbol.
So, bordering between darkness and light, a confused throng of uncomfortable feelings and thoughts, all amalgamated into what is the current me. Perhaps this life of mine is on the verge of ending, but somehow I think not---the trials and tribulations are just what makes life interestingly hard and provide just enough kick to see one's true mettle, I suppose.
*sigh*
Am I just blathering here to make myself feel better?
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Minor Chit-chat
Life's weird huh. When you think that things are going to be alright, something funky gets thrown in your path.
But in my case, it's not that big of an issue---I am moving on in life already. What has happened in the past remains the in the past, locked behind the barriers of time. A memory is all I take, and a memory is all I need I suppose.
Juvpu rkcynvaf jul V qvqa'g dhvgr haqrefgnaq jul Vqn gubhtug gung V jnf tbvat gb gel gb ``jva'' ure onpx va gur shgher, nf abgrq ol ure engure pelcgvp nffregvba bire VZ gung jr jrer abg tbvat gb trg onpx gbtrgure ab znggre gur pvephzfgnapr.
V qhaab ubj orfg gb vagrecerg guvf. Rvgure V pna frr vg nf ure gelvat gb or sevraqyl naq erzvaqvat zr gb zbir ba jvgu yvsr naq abg guvax bs jnlf gb trg onpx jvgu ure, be V pna frr vg nf n cebibpngvir fgngrzrag zrnag gb fvax zl yvsr wnpxrg. Xabjvat ure, V nz zber vapyvarq gb fgvpx jvgu gur sbezre vagrecergngvba---fur'f nf oyhag nf V nz jura vg pbzrf gb pbzzhavpngvat vqrnf/rzbgvbaf, fb V nz abg ng nyy fhecevfrq vs ure vagragvbaf jrer ernyyl ba gur tbbq fvqr nf bccbfrq gb gur znyribyrag bar. Nf hfhny, V ree ba gur fvqr bs pnhgvba naq jnag gb pynevsl gur pynevsvpngvba (juvpu jnf pelcgvp ururu) gb znxr fher gung V nz trggvat gur evtug zrnavat.
Anyway, life moves on. There are higher goals that I need to look into, and the whole relationship thing is taking a back seat for now. If life were dominated only by the search for the Significant Other, I think there's little that one can achieve at the end of it all.
Till next time.
But in my case, it's not that big of an issue---I am moving on in life already. What has happened in the past remains the in the past, locked behind the barriers of time. A memory is all I take, and a memory is all I need I suppose.
Juvpu rkcynvaf jul V qvqa'g dhvgr haqrefgnaq jul Vqn gubhtug gung V jnf tbvat gb gel gb ``jva'' ure onpx va gur shgher, nf abgrq ol ure engure pelcgvp nffregvba bire VZ gung jr jrer abg tbvat gb trg onpx gbtrgure ab znggre gur pvephzfgnapr.
V qhaab ubj orfg gb vagrecerg guvf. Rvgure V pna frr vg nf ure gelvat gb or sevraqyl naq erzvaqvat zr gb zbir ba jvgu yvsr naq abg guvax bs jnlf gb trg onpx jvgu ure, be V pna frr vg nf n cebibpngvir fgngrzrag zrnag gb fvax zl yvsr wnpxrg. Xabjvat ure, V nz zber vapyvarq gb fgvpx jvgu gur sbezre vagrecergngvba---fur'f nf oyhag nf V nz jura vg pbzrf gb pbzzhavpngvat vqrnf/rzbgvbaf, fb V nz abg ng nyy fhecevfrq vs ure vagragvbaf jrer ernyyl ba gur tbbq fvqr nf bccbfrq gb gur znyribyrag bar. Nf hfhny, V ree ba gur fvqr bs pnhgvba naq jnag gb pynevsl gur pynevsvpngvba (juvpu jnf pelcgvp ururu) gb znxr fher gung V nz trggvat gur evtug zrnavat.
Anyway, life moves on. There are higher goals that I need to look into, and the whole relationship thing is taking a back seat for now. If life were dominated only by the search for the Significant Other, I think there's little that one can achieve at the end of it all.
Till next time.
Friday, August 28, 2009
It Could Have Been Me...
First, this.
Now, realise that that could've been me. And the scariest part is, I'm not joking about that.
I remember the many times that I walk on the same stairs, and looked down the particular stairwell. That stairwell was deep and large---it's called ``architect's leap'' for a reason. Each time I walked by that stairwell, there was always this strange fascination about what it would feel like to leap off it, as suggested by the ``Burma Shave'' ditty written on each platform.
I remember why I didn't bother jumping (or killing myself or anything like that). Killing oneself on one's own terms needed guts, that's for sure. But more guts are needed to live on through whatever life throws at you, and that was ultimately why I am still alive now and writing here.
That said, may you find peace, my fellow CS brother.
Amen.
Now, realise that that could've been me. And the scariest part is, I'm not joking about that.
I remember the many times that I walk on the same stairs, and looked down the particular stairwell. That stairwell was deep and large---it's called ``architect's leap'' for a reason. Each time I walked by that stairwell, there was always this strange fascination about what it would feel like to leap off it, as suggested by the ``Burma Shave'' ditty written on each platform.
I remember why I didn't bother jumping (or killing myself or anything like that). Killing oneself on one's own terms needed guts, that's for sure. But more guts are needed to live on through whatever life throws at you, and that was ultimately why I am still alive now and writing here.
That said, may you find peace, my fellow CS brother.
Amen.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
First a Researcher, then a Hacker
I must learn that I am first a researcher and then (only then!) a hacker.
Otherwise I might need to rethink my career options...
Otherwise I might need to rethink my career options...
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
A New Dawn Awaits
The pillars of support, they seem to fall one by one, and I suddenly find myself standing out in the cold almost alone with no one else to comfort me. It is a strange feeling, since on the one hand there is a weird sense of serenity, yet on the other hand there is this sense of foreboding that lurks just beyond the precipice of darkness.
Life can be very cruel in all its ways, yet one thing seems certain---I end up being a survivor. No matter how bad the world treats me, no matter how hard the uphill struggle, I still hold my ground and stand on my own two feet and charge on forwards, not looking back.
The choice to move forwards is often a hard one---there are many obstacles that just seem to get in the way. But at the end of the day, no matter how bad the world treats me, or at least, no matter how bad I think the world is treating me, I will find a way.
I am a human; I am not a human. This duality works to my advantage should I choose it well. Literally let bygones be bygones, and not think about the past that has made me so forlorn for so very long. The path ahead is full of thickets of bushes, but if I do not clear the way and move onwards, who will?
The battle has ended, yet the war has just begun. Blood will be shed, reckoning will be done. And through it all, I will stand tall and face whatever Fate dares throw into my path. Arrogant? Perhaps, but sometimes a little arrogance is necessary to provide the momentum to just hurtle forwards through time and to deal with whatever that comes my way.
Life sucks, heck, life sucks big time. Yet there is always hope to believe in, and people to trust. Never mind that half the people that one trusted before can turn around and backstab---never mind that the other half are probably helping under the pretext that it will provide them with some side benefit. The forward movement is all that matters, all that matters!
Learning to live, learning to cope, learning to say goodbye and never to look back---why have I gone weak in this regard? Where has my youthful exuberance gone? Where has that youthful bravado and never-say-die attitude gone? Have I gone soft and meek as the years advance?
Onward! Onward I say. Never mind what others think---they think whatever they want and there's nothing that I can do about it. Never mind what others do, for it is only my own actions that I am responsible for. Have faith in myself, know that I will find my niche in time to come. Time may be short, but time is still around---I still have that short amount of time around, so I better make good use of it. There has been enough false starts, but the time for the dream to end is now.
A new dawn awaits.
Life can be very cruel in all its ways, yet one thing seems certain---I end up being a survivor. No matter how bad the world treats me, no matter how hard the uphill struggle, I still hold my ground and stand on my own two feet and charge on forwards, not looking back.
The choice to move forwards is often a hard one---there are many obstacles that just seem to get in the way. But at the end of the day, no matter how bad the world treats me, or at least, no matter how bad I think the world is treating me, I will find a way.
I am a human; I am not a human. This duality works to my advantage should I choose it well. Literally let bygones be bygones, and not think about the past that has made me so forlorn for so very long. The path ahead is full of thickets of bushes, but if I do not clear the way and move onwards, who will?
The battle has ended, yet the war has just begun. Blood will be shed, reckoning will be done. And through it all, I will stand tall and face whatever Fate dares throw into my path. Arrogant? Perhaps, but sometimes a little arrogance is necessary to provide the momentum to just hurtle forwards through time and to deal with whatever that comes my way.
Life sucks, heck, life sucks big time. Yet there is always hope to believe in, and people to trust. Never mind that half the people that one trusted before can turn around and backstab---never mind that the other half are probably helping under the pretext that it will provide them with some side benefit. The forward movement is all that matters, all that matters!
Learning to live, learning to cope, learning to say goodbye and never to look back---why have I gone weak in this regard? Where has my youthful exuberance gone? Where has that youthful bravado and never-say-die attitude gone? Have I gone soft and meek as the years advance?
Onward! Onward I say. Never mind what others think---they think whatever they want and there's nothing that I can do about it. Never mind what others do, for it is only my own actions that I am responsible for. Have faith in myself, know that I will find my niche in time to come. Time may be short, but time is still around---I still have that short amount of time around, so I better make good use of it. There has been enough false starts, but the time for the dream to end is now.
A new dawn awaits.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Mutterings
I've never felt more socially isolated than now. This is rather worrying.
V pnaabg rkcynva jul V srry guvf jnl. Znlor orpnhfr bar bs gur gevttref bppheerq erpragyl, nf va, gur zrrgvat jvgu gur erfg bs gur fpubynef ng bar bs gubfr betnavfrq riragf. Fbzrubj V frrz gb or hanoyr gb fueht bss gung hapnaal srryvat gung V nz fbzrubj vasrevbe va fbzr jnl, qrfcvgr zr orvat n fpubyne yvxr gur erfg bs gurz.
Ab pyhr.
Yvsr frrzf n yvggyr zber pbzcyvpngrq guna hfhny, naq V unir yvggyr vqrnf ba ubj zhpu bs vg vf qhr gb zr orvat nyy bireyl frafvgvir naq ubj zhpu bs vg vf qhr gb npghny ernyvgl. Fb znal pbzcyvpngrq rzbgvbaf, fb znal fgenatr rapbhagref, fb zhpu lrneavat gung V pnaabg frrz gb chg njnl.
Naq V fhqqrayl srry yvxr xrrcvat n png sbe n crg. Gung gubhtug fhecevfrq zr, gb chg vg va n zvyq jnl. V'ir arire ernyyl fnj zlfrys nf n crg-xrrcvat crefba, lrg jura guvf gubhtug fhqqrayl svygrerq guebhtu zl zvaq, V jnf nf fubpxrq nf pna or. Ohg bs pbhefr, V jba'g or xrrcvat n png abj---cbbe yvggyr pevggre jvyy abg unir gur cynpr gb jnyx nebhaq naq rkcyber, tvira gung zl pheerag qjryyvat vf snveyl shyy bs fghss sebz gur gjragl bqq lrnef gung jr'ir orra yvivat va.
Nsgre n irel fubeg juvyr, lrg nabgure gubhtug fgevxrf zr. Nz V punaaryyvat gubhtugf sebz zl rk-tveysevraq? Vs gung jrer gehr, gura creuncf gung jbhyq or fhssvpvrag rkcynangvba nf gb jul V jnf srryvat guvf jrveq ng guvf gvzr. Vg pbhyq or na nznytnzngvba bs frireny riragf---gur zrrgvat jvgu gur bgure fpubynef, gur qrnqyvarf sbe gur inevbhf cebwrpgf, gur veengvbany srne bs nccylvat gb tenq fpubby, gur frafr bs ``jung-vs'' gung creinqrf qhr gb gur ortvaavat bs gur snyy frzrfgre, gur trareny ynpx bs pbzcnal urer nf pbzcnerq gb orvat onpx va gur 'ohetu, yvggyr guvatf yvxr gung gung nqq hc gb n pbafvqrenoyr cvyr bs zrff.
Jryy, nyy fnvq naq qbar, ng yrnfg V guvax gung znlor V unir vqragvsvrq n srj bs gur ceboyrz nernf gung V nz snpvat. Gvzr gb qrny jvgu gurz bar fgrc ng n gvzr.
If I do not live this life and seize it to call my own, no one will.
V pnaabg rkcynva jul V srry guvf jnl. Znlor orpnhfr bar bs gur gevttref bppheerq erpragyl, nf va, gur zrrgvat jvgu gur erfg bs gur fpubynef ng bar bs gubfr betnavfrq riragf. Fbzrubj V frrz gb or hanoyr gb fueht bss gung hapnaal srryvat gung V nz fbzrubj vasrevbe va fbzr jnl, qrfcvgr zr orvat n fpubyne yvxr gur erfg bs gurz.
Ab pyhr.
Yvsr frrzf n yvggyr zber pbzcyvpngrq guna hfhny, naq V unir yvggyr vqrnf ba ubj zhpu bs vg vf qhr gb zr orvat nyy bireyl frafvgvir naq ubj zhpu bs vg vf qhr gb npghny ernyvgl. Fb znal pbzcyvpngrq rzbgvbaf, fb znal fgenatr rapbhagref, fb zhpu lrneavat gung V pnaabg frrz gb chg njnl.
Naq V fhqqrayl srry yvxr xrrcvat n png sbe n crg. Gung gubhtug fhecevfrq zr, gb chg vg va n zvyq jnl. V'ir arire ernyyl fnj zlfrys nf n crg-xrrcvat crefba, lrg jura guvf gubhtug fhqqrayl svygrerq guebhtu zl zvaq, V jnf nf fubpxrq nf pna or. Ohg bs pbhefr, V jba'g or xrrcvat n png abj---cbbe yvggyr pevggre jvyy abg unir gur cynpr gb jnyx nebhaq naq rkcyber, tvira gung zl pheerag qjryyvat vf snveyl shyy bs fghss sebz gur gjragl bqq lrnef gung jr'ir orra yvivat va.
Nsgre n irel fubeg juvyr, lrg nabgure gubhtug fgevxrf zr. Nz V punaaryyvat gubhtugf sebz zl rk-tveysevraq? Vs gung jrer gehr, gura creuncf gung jbhyq or fhssvpvrag rkcynangvba nf gb jul V jnf srryvat guvf jrveq ng guvf gvzr. Vg pbhyq or na nznytnzngvba bs frireny riragf---gur zrrgvat jvgu gur bgure fpubynef, gur qrnqyvarf sbe gur inevbhf cebwrpgf, gur veengvbany srne bs nccylvat gb tenq fpubby, gur frafr bs ``jung-vs'' gung creinqrf qhr gb gur ortvaavat bs gur snyy frzrfgre, gur trareny ynpx bs pbzcnal urer nf pbzcnerq gb orvat onpx va gur 'ohetu, yvggyr guvatf yvxr gung gung nqq hc gb n pbafvqrenoyr cvyr bs zrff.
Jryy, nyy fnvq naq qbar, ng yrnfg V guvax gung znlor V unir vqragvsvrq n srj bs gur ceboyrz nernf gung V nz snpvat. Gvzr gb qrny jvgu gurz bar fgrc ng n gvzr.
If I do not live this life and seize it to call my own, no one will.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
prettyprint.js Does a Good Job
Pick some historical content on this blog. Observe that anything that had " used has become smart quotes.
I've upgraded the pretty print script to do some automagic conversion from simple double quotes to the prettier ``smart'' ones. The caveat will be that unbalanced double quotes will cause the regex converter to go wonky---I don't see this as a big problem though. At the very least, if we had only a single double quote character starting a line, and have the next line starting with yet another single double quote, as long as there are intervening tags in between, prettyprint.js will actually do the right job.
The things that I do to obtain better viewing for the stuff I write...
...till next time.
I've upgraded the pretty print script to do some automagic conversion from simple double quotes to the prettier ``smart'' ones. The caveat will be that unbalanced double quotes will cause the regex converter to go wonky---I don't see this as a big problem though. At the very least, if we had only a single double quote character starting a line, and have the next line starting with yet another single double quote, as long as there are intervening tags in between, prettyprint.js will actually do the right job.
The things that I do to obtain better viewing for the stuff I write...
...till next time.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Brother Louie
First look at this. Now look at this:And the lyrics are below:
The question is: why these two songs have almost similar tunes?!
Deep love is a burnin' fire stayLyrics courtesy www.lyrics007.com.
'cause then the flame grows higher babe
Don't let him steal your heart
It's easy easy
Girl this game can't last forever why
We cannot live together try
Don't let him take your love from me
You're no good can't you see
Brother Louie Louie Louie
I'm in love set her free
Oh she's only lookin' to me
Only love breaks her heart
Brother Louie Louie Louie
Only love's paradise
Oh she's only lookin' to me
Brother Louie Louie Louie
Oh she's only lookin' to me
Oh let it Louie
She's under cover
Brother Louie Louie Louie
Oh doin' what he's doin'
So leave it Louie
'cause I'm her lover
Stay 'cause this boy wants to gamble stay
Love's more than he can handle girl
Oh come on stay by me
Forever ever
Why does he go on pretendin' that
His love is never ending babe
Don't let him steal your love from me
The question is: why these two songs have almost similar tunes?!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Reminiscince
These days, I think I'm probably scaring a lot of people. Many times, people ask me if I am sad, and I ask them in return ``do I look sad to you?'' and then many times they reply ``well I don't really know, you look kinda okay'' before I follow up with ``well, I'm always sad, it is just a matter of degree''.
So I'm not actually lying about that---I am always sad; and it is just a matter of degree. Many people like to think that if someone is smiling a lot and is very jovial, then the person is probably not sad at all. That, as many have grown to realise eventually, is a sham. In fact, those who look the most jovial, laugh the most readily and appear to be the most happy need to have more scrutiny---often times they might be hiding some deep sadness that they are unwilling to talk to anyone about.
The trick into seeing these people is through the eyes---the eyes show it all, whether you are happy or sad. Ever heard of the phrase ``smiling with your eyes''? Well that is exactly what I am referring to.
So, sure, I might joke a lot, be awkward, laugh readily, be snappy with people and generally exude a certain sense of well-being. But if you actually took the time to look deep enough into my eyes, you will find that there is a very deep pain and sadness within. What this pain and sadness is is clearly not something that I want to talk about---suffice to say, it is related to life and life in general. Heh... maybe this is related to why I don't fear very many things, including death.
So, me. Was I ever happy? Well... yes, here and there, but overall, I think that sadness dominates my personality. I will smile a lot, I can be as crazy as the next guy, but if you lock me in a room and gave me strong liquor to knock me out, all you'll find is just a very sad looking drunk [who writes essays].
The next logical question will be, what makes me happy? I think that the answer to this is rather straightforward (and it might sound a little desperate, but whatever)---I am happy when I am doing things for the one I love. Sappy? Yeah, probably, but I don't really care all that much. I've been pretty much a walking husk since I turned 20, yet in between those years I have learnt what being human is all about, and have been nourished by all the possible human emotions that one can experience, from euphoria to caution to being concerned and to being contented---I have met with all of them at some time or another.
Heh... I'm still quite human after all.
But I guess all that I can do now is to wait it out and do things that are actually productive---this has something to do with how the entire schedule for the upcoming 6 years are going to be rather hellish.
Okay, enough of weightier issues... till next time.
So I'm not actually lying about that---I am always sad; and it is just a matter of degree. Many people like to think that if someone is smiling a lot and is very jovial, then the person is probably not sad at all. That, as many have grown to realise eventually, is a sham. In fact, those who look the most jovial, laugh the most readily and appear to be the most happy need to have more scrutiny---often times they might be hiding some deep sadness that they are unwilling to talk to anyone about.
The trick into seeing these people is through the eyes---the eyes show it all, whether you are happy or sad. Ever heard of the phrase ``smiling with your eyes''? Well that is exactly what I am referring to.
So, sure, I might joke a lot, be awkward, laugh readily, be snappy with people and generally exude a certain sense of well-being. But if you actually took the time to look deep enough into my eyes, you will find that there is a very deep pain and sadness within. What this pain and sadness is is clearly not something that I want to talk about---suffice to say, it is related to life and life in general. Heh... maybe this is related to why I don't fear very many things, including death.
So, me. Was I ever happy? Well... yes, here and there, but overall, I think that sadness dominates my personality. I will smile a lot, I can be as crazy as the next guy, but if you lock me in a room and gave me strong liquor to knock me out, all you'll find is just a very sad looking drunk [who writes essays].
The next logical question will be, what makes me happy? I think that the answer to this is rather straightforward (and it might sound a little desperate, but whatever)---I am happy when I am doing things for the one I love. Sappy? Yeah, probably, but I don't really care all that much. I've been pretty much a walking husk since I turned 20, yet in between those years I have learnt what being human is all about, and have been nourished by all the possible human emotions that one can experience, from euphoria to caution to being concerned and to being contented---I have met with all of them at some time or another.
Heh... I'm still quite human after all.
But I guess all that I can do now is to wait it out and do things that are actually productive---this has something to do with how the entire schedule for the upcoming 6 years are going to be rather hellish.
Okay, enough of weightier issues... till next time.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Semi-Serious Rambling
It has been a rather long day, fraught with many last minute changes in schedules. But all that is said and done, I find myself sitting around quietly once more, sinking deeper into the consciousness that is me.
This is a rather strange feeling---to be able to just sink deep and feel the sensuality of feeling simultaneously from all the active senses that I have. From the visual (looking at the screen), to the aural (the soft click-clack of the scissor-keys), to the tactile (the soft breeze from the ventilator), and to the olfactory (the sweet smell of summer sweat lingering), I can feel them all with ease---it is almost as though I am aware of all these extensions that make up my body.
One of the things that I have grown to realise and appreciate is that I seem to know my body much better than before. For instance, I can now decide without trying what my body is capable/incapable of doing. I am also learning to have a better feel on where my head is positioned, so that I can easily dodge my head without causing too big of a movement, which can harm the already fragile neck.
But sensualities aside, the one thing that I seem to have cultivated over the years is the strange air of detachment. It is an oxymoron no doubt---how can I be both immersed within myself and be detached at the same time? But like many things in life, this one has a straightforward answer---I just let the signals from the senses flow through my being without attempting to make sense of them. This is a rather interesting concept though, since for most people, when they sense something, it is more often than not that they try to assign some meaning to the feeling, and even to ``process'' the signal as quickly as they can so that they can always be immersive in the world.
That's where I start to differ from the normal person.
You see, I've never really felt at one with the world in the sense that I feel belonged. It didn't begin this way of course and is a phenomenon that is of a more recent vintage if I dare say. Life, with all its ups and downs, have made me walk around this Earth as an avatar, walking close to other people, but never walking with them. Now that Ida has officially broken up with me (and for a good enough time too I might add), I think that it is safe enough for me to reveal the revelation that I had.
I have known almost 4 months earlier today that we were heading for a break-up. I just chose to not believe it.
How I know about this is beyond my reasoning---call it a gut reaction. Somehow I could sense the drift earlier on---the preternatural ease in which I can sense bad events is a trait that I have mostly kept tucked away until now.
Perhaps I am truly an avatar, a kind of supernatural being walking within the mortal realm, with a natural draw for both the miraculous and the condemned, and that somehow establishes some kind of cosmic balance that is beyond the level of human comprehension. Of course, it is also equally likely that I'm just a nut job and all that is said and done are just a bunch of coincidences.
Yet again I digress... it was a good thing that we broke up the time we did. At the very least, I managed to purge all the negative emotions out of myself within the early stages of my work (and also preparation for the next phase of my career/life), and to perhaps seal away the broken heart inside somewhere safe so that it can heal over more completely and be ready to accept the true love that might come its way again. But that is the future, and clairvoyance I have not.
So who am I actually? I cannot give a straightforward answer. I am who I am, I am not who I appear to be, and I am not who I think I might be. How does the future hold for me? Again, I appeal to the lack of clairvoyance, but the future is not bleak---there is much work to be done and much good to perform; it is in some senses a blessing to move onward without emotional baggages weighing one down.
That all said and done, the reason why I was feeling really down in the period succeeding the break-up is that the feeling felt then was not of a girlfriend breaking up with a boyfriend---it felt more like a wife of many years divorcing the husband, despite him being faithful and caring for her. That is the depth of my love for Ida, that is how much she affects me, both good and not-so-good. How about now, one might ask; how do I feel now and why do I seem a little calmer? I have not forgotten about Ida---far from it, I remember her even more. But the things I remember have the meanings changed over time to lessen the blows and the amount of effect they have on my affect. Indeed, one of the remedies of a break-up that is available in lore is to cast everything that reminds one of the other away so as to start afresh---I choose to learn to face things that remind me of her head-on so that I will actually end up dealing with the blow dealt instead of just denying myself the proper grieving.
Again, I digress.
Future huh... I've given my predictions. On the subject of my love life, I am not going to think too much about it---once one hits 25 years old (which I will be in nearly 5 more months) and is still unattached, chances are there will be little hope left about the love life anyway, so I might as well concentrate on doing things that I can still do. More pertinently, given the volatility of the macro-state-of-affairs, it is unlikely that any relationship begun here will lead to fruition; a similar argument can be made about when I'm not in Singapore.
So at the end of the day, I suppose that it is into the hands of Fate that will see if I end up settling down in this life or not.
This is a rather strange feeling---to be able to just sink deep and feel the sensuality of feeling simultaneously from all the active senses that I have. From the visual (looking at the screen), to the aural (the soft click-clack of the scissor-keys), to the tactile (the soft breeze from the ventilator), and to the olfactory (the sweet smell of summer sweat lingering), I can feel them all with ease---it is almost as though I am aware of all these extensions that make up my body.
One of the things that I have grown to realise and appreciate is that I seem to know my body much better than before. For instance, I can now decide without trying what my body is capable/incapable of doing. I am also learning to have a better feel on where my head is positioned, so that I can easily dodge my head without causing too big of a movement, which can harm the already fragile neck.
But sensualities aside, the one thing that I seem to have cultivated over the years is the strange air of detachment. It is an oxymoron no doubt---how can I be both immersed within myself and be detached at the same time? But like many things in life, this one has a straightforward answer---I just let the signals from the senses flow through my being without attempting to make sense of them. This is a rather interesting concept though, since for most people, when they sense something, it is more often than not that they try to assign some meaning to the feeling, and even to ``process'' the signal as quickly as they can so that they can always be immersive in the world.
That's where I start to differ from the normal person.
You see, I've never really felt at one with the world in the sense that I feel belonged. It didn't begin this way of course and is a phenomenon that is of a more recent vintage if I dare say. Life, with all its ups and downs, have made me walk around this Earth as an avatar, walking close to other people, but never walking with them. Now that Ida has officially broken up with me (and for a good enough time too I might add), I think that it is safe enough for me to reveal the revelation that I had.
I have known almost 4 months earlier today that we were heading for a break-up. I just chose to not believe it.
How I know about this is beyond my reasoning---call it a gut reaction. Somehow I could sense the drift earlier on---the preternatural ease in which I can sense bad events is a trait that I have mostly kept tucked away until now.
Perhaps I am truly an avatar, a kind of supernatural being walking within the mortal realm, with a natural draw for both the miraculous and the condemned, and that somehow establishes some kind of cosmic balance that is beyond the level of human comprehension. Of course, it is also equally likely that I'm just a nut job and all that is said and done are just a bunch of coincidences.
Yet again I digress... it was a good thing that we broke up the time we did. At the very least, I managed to purge all the negative emotions out of myself within the early stages of my work (and also preparation for the next phase of my career/life), and to perhaps seal away the broken heart inside somewhere safe so that it can heal over more completely and be ready to accept the true love that might come its way again. But that is the future, and clairvoyance I have not.
So who am I actually? I cannot give a straightforward answer. I am who I am, I am not who I appear to be, and I am not who I think I might be. How does the future hold for me? Again, I appeal to the lack of clairvoyance, but the future is not bleak---there is much work to be done and much good to perform; it is in some senses a blessing to move onward without emotional baggages weighing one down.
That all said and done, the reason why I was feeling really down in the period succeeding the break-up is that the feeling felt then was not of a girlfriend breaking up with a boyfriend---it felt more like a wife of many years divorcing the husband, despite him being faithful and caring for her. That is the depth of my love for Ida, that is how much she affects me, both good and not-so-good. How about now, one might ask; how do I feel now and why do I seem a little calmer? I have not forgotten about Ida---far from it, I remember her even more. But the things I remember have the meanings changed over time to lessen the blows and the amount of effect they have on my affect. Indeed, one of the remedies of a break-up that is available in lore is to cast everything that reminds one of the other away so as to start afresh---I choose to learn to face things that remind me of her head-on so that I will actually end up dealing with the blow dealt instead of just denying myself the proper grieving.
Again, I digress.
Future huh... I've given my predictions. On the subject of my love life, I am not going to think too much about it---once one hits 25 years old (which I will be in nearly 5 more months) and is still unattached, chances are there will be little hope left about the love life anyway, so I might as well concentrate on doing things that I can still do. More pertinently, given the volatility of the macro-state-of-affairs, it is unlikely that any relationship begun here will lead to fruition; a similar argument can be made about when I'm not in Singapore.
So at the end of the day, I suppose that it is into the hands of Fate that will see if I end up settling down in this life or not.
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