Kinda Sad...

In reference to this poem:

It's kinda sad. Really. Spring break means that I am stuck here in Pittsburgh alone; pretty much a good festering ground for the spouting of all kinds of sad visions of myself. And no, I'm not contemplating suicide; thank goodness for that. It's just that, it is so hard to come to terms with myself over a lot of things. The last year has been a real pain in the ass; so much has happened, so many sad things have occurred, and so many more to come. Seems really sucky to be me huh...

It's been almost a week since she rejected me. I'm supposed to have gotten over it (actually I have gotten over the particular instance), but it has triggered yet another one of those deep-felt responses that I have no way of controlling. What am I doing here? What do I want in my life? Fundamental questions like these haunt me everyday whenever I am not doing anything that will distract me (read: homework). It's sad.

There are some girls whom I might want to know more about, but have not had the chance to really get close to them to. But that is not the point; the more fundamental question to ask is, what do I want, really? What do I see if I approach the said girls? What is the real aim that I have behind all these "I want a girlfriend" rants?

From a logical front, all of these are just... frivolous. I mean, I am after all a foreigner of these parts, and it is almost unthinkable that I can start (and maintain) a relationship with some local girl; it is likely to end in tears as she won't want to follow me when I need to return to sunny Singapore. Besides, no one really cares about me in this part of the world; the sooner that I am dead or otherwise removed from the rat race, the happier everyone will be since there will be one less competitor. It kinda sucks to think of things this way, but I guess that it is somehow valid in the current context.

Even close friends turn away from me. Phil is so engulfed in his girlfriend that he seems to be actively trying to assert his capabilities by putting me down as much as he can in front of her; Mo is starting to hang out with a different bunch of people and also starting to kind of put me down as much as he can; and Linda is getting more and more indifferent. I guess if I just went up to the cathedral of learning and leap off (and thus die), no one will really care. *shrugs*

*sighs* What else can I say? This is just a monologue of mine, and from the looks of it, my writing abilities are starting to get really hampered with all these emotional baggages. Why oh why am I still retaining human traits? If I am just a logical machine of sorts, all these contradicting feelings will not happen as I can just apply logic to the whole thing and things will kind of work out right. But it is never to be; I'm still human after all these years.

Perhaps I should stop exposing myself to the world and thus reduce the exposure of my human side. It seems to be doing more harm than good to me. Perhaps being a loner is the best thing for me after all, never mind what people say about people who "go it alone".