Fear of the Weekends

I have an irrational fear of the weekends. I simply... loathe it. It's dumb, seriously, but I'm starting to totally not like the weekends. Well, there are so many reasons why this is so, the main reason is that there is so much homework to do, and so many other administrative tasks that I want to do, and that almost everyone around me are like having a great time with... well, other people. Those who go to the bar to get drunk, those who get to make out, those who get laid, those who just chill out. All I can see is just me in front of a stupid wall wondering how in the name of hell am I still stuck in this godforsaken place.

Aye. It's gonna be a long time before I'm back to normal all right. All the bad feelings are still there, it's just that they are happily squirrelled away under yet a few more layers of stuff. Why o why is this still happening? I have no idea. Perhaps it's because I just yearn what I have not managed to get, much like how people are jealous of another person who has things that one wants, but just cannot. So, I've more or less transcended the issue of materialism; I don't covet the material objects that people have that I don't, simply because I think that materialism is kinda pointless. But I cannot forget the fact that people are able to seek close companionships with their significant other while I still cannot; I yearn for a day to come where I actually have someone who is willing to be with me forever. Idealistic? Perhaps, but one day I know that it will come; what I don't know is the form in which it will take, and how it will be taken. Maybe all these sudden lucid moments are just another layer of things hiding myself away from the realities of the problem; I cannot recall when I first started to turn turtle and hope that someone will come and help me.

Call me arrogant, but I know that I do not lose out to any other person. I'm as smart, as strong, as wry and as capable as any other person out there. I do not need to have lots of money, neither do I need to be the best in everything; I just need to be good enough. And for the issue of a significant other, well, that's something that only time and karma will tell. *shrugs* Oh, if you only knew what I witness every day...

Enough of emo-explosions; it's starting to get a little boring. Well, this week is a really complicated one. As said earlier, I've started on a new regime of swimming early in the morning, and so I did on Friday. Man, it was invigorating, despite the fact that I had only 4 hours of sleep while working on the crazy Combinatorics homework. Sleep is even less now, considering the fact that there is suddenly so much more to do. In fact, the latest assignment for the amazing Great Theoretical Ideas in Computer Science is one that first penalised the people who start later. The problem set was hidden away somewhere, and not unlike the old treasure hunt that I was grumbling about in January, we needed to do something to be in order to re-obtain the data. That's a pain. And now, pure hard core coding; and I have a paper due on Monday. This is so gonna suck so bad...

I think that my behaviour confuses a lot of people. On some days I'm as happy as a lark, always ready for a quick quip. Yet on others, my mood is so dark that it puts those emo people to shame. Well, to put it bluntly, that's roughly the way I am, always stuck at the extreme polarities, very rarely having some form of restraint in either forms of emotion. Good or bad, you decide, particularly if you've met with me before. I'm still not calm enough in general, particularly now, considering the fact that I'm still trying to get over a lot of things. Among other solutions, the one that heeds Hannibal Lecter's advice of "What do we covet? We covet what we see everyday" seems to be the most applicable. If I'm feeling all lost and lonely when I see people behaving intimately with each other, well, I can do one of two things. I can just leave them, for good perhaps(?), and then keep myself occupied with other stuff. Or I can just make them leave. Either way, moving the object of covet away from one and then burying oneself with loads of work will appear to be a good way of helping one recover from the issues of life.

Anyways... I think that I need to crash out and sleep. It's already 3am here (the blog clock runs on SGT), and I need to head out to the Waterfront to get some shopping done (I need new clothes, particularly pants) early in the morning. Aside: I need to be much more assertive of my feelings to people and be more consistent in how I react, otherwise people will be so fscking confused with what I do that they will not react. Another aside: Inner calm comes only when one can forget the critical points in time when one has a really bad experience. Unfortunately, with my elephant memory, I just can't seem to forget certain things.

Last aside: Girls here (or anywhere else, I presume) will not like me because I'm starting to seem to be too old and staid for their taste. Sadly, this is not an observation from me, but from a person who is... in the middle of the controversy. Perhaps controversy is too strong a word, let's say... issue. That's right. She's in the middle of the issue. So, ageism does play a part here. I have no idea what I was thinking when I thought that girls will like someone who's a little older than them (come on, 3 years is hardly too old). Apparently I was deluding myself. I think that I'm so running out of stuff to write about, just probably the fact that it is late and perhaps also the fact that I'm trying to refuse to be seduced to the dark thoughts.

How does one maintain calmness if the one thing that one covets is always under one's nose everyday?

And oh, being totally exhausted means that one doesn't have any recallable dreams; a good way to run away from the nightmares too.

Another weekend gone, another weekend closer to leaving this place where I feel so tormented. It's almost like National Service all over again.