A decently nice day, in comparison to a really traumatic week. Lots of crazy stuff happened this week, most of which have thrown me into a deep emotional tar-pit from which I'm still trying to climb out of. I'm slightly happier, and am starting to appreciate the fact that I am, really, a talented individual. Hahaha, I even managed to do an Ocarina solo today. It started off a little wonky, lots of bad notes as I was nervous, but after the first few notes of the first song, things got a whole lot smoother. It was a wonderful hour, when I was playing the Ocarina. While no one literally stopped to listen (well, except for one campus police officer on the second floor of Kirr Commons who stood there and looked on as I played), at least no one was actively boo-ing me. And when I finished the final piece (aptly, "Auld Lang Syne"), there was a rousing applause throughout the entire Kirr Commons. It brought me back to the good old days when I was with TGCO and was performing with them at all sorts of functions/events.
Oh, and anyway, back to my little rant. (= So, there was this gradual build up of pent-up emotions over the past fortnight, partially from the double blow of rejection from someone and partially that almost everyone around me is starting to be all attached and stuff. There's also the tremendous amount of stress that I felt during the entire Spring break when I was looking at my less-than-stellar grades and wondering how in the name of everything that I am able to maintain the GPA 3.8 for this semester (it will be done, hahaha, no pressure lol). And for Spring break, I was practically holed up in my room for the most part, rarely venturing out due to the really bad weather. It didn't help that I was watching mainly dystopic quasi-violent films (like The Silence of the Lambs, Kill Bill, Battle Royale, Red Dragon, Doom among others), so it kind of added on to the sombre atmosphere in which the negative thinkings just flourished.
I broke down totally on Monday, as an accumulation of all those complicated feelings and the complete lack of sleep on Sunday. The details to what happened on Sunday... is something that I don't really wish to talk about publicly. Suffice to say, it is still something that I'm trying hard to live with.
So, I'm done in by Jung again. Hahahaha... latent subconscious versus the conscious. I'm starting to develop an aversion of being alone in my room, especially after the whole build up during Spring break. Well, to think of it, the biggest problem that I face today, is nothing about academics (it's hard, but still not completely impossible). It's the subconsciously self-inflicted preference for loneliness to run away from the people who had hurt me before. To think that that is the root of all my problems, is not something that I made on my own. Suffice to say, it'll be a long while before I can resolve this, but I guess that the first step that I can take for myself is to avoid staying in my room for prolonged periods of time and to really get out there and have real fresh air (and needed sunlight).
Nasty things have happened between me and Cui. Suddenly, there seems to be no reason why we might be talking with each other. Could I have gone too far that time when I had an emotional outburst at her? Or is there something else that I'm not picking up on?
In other news, the Quake II game that I ordered (original and under $15) had arrived and I realised that I do miss the First Person Shooter genre. I got Quake II because I was starting to get really irritated with the single dimension that Doom was offering—Doom is a great game, but it's time to move on. And the book on digital art techniques just arrived today, which means that I now have too many tons of books and have more stuff to study on. Homework is starting to come fast and furiously, and I'm starting to typeset all my mathematics homework (that's right, typeset with good old LaTex). That's because the homework nowadays is not like before, which required only simple computations; there's a need to write proofs for almost the whole assignment. And the art of proof writing is not unlike writing an essay; there are drafts and drafts of it to write, with revisions upon revisions to make. Writing out proofs on paper means that most of the time will be spent in the rewriting process, something that I wasn't really willing to do because it cost a lot of time and also cost a lot of resources in the form of paper. Besides, editting all such stuff in digital form just means that I can easily fix a proof that I think is errorneous and thus be able to provide a much more complete proof than I would ever achieve from normal writing alone.
All right, I'm spent from writing. That's all for now. Hopefully, I'll feel much better over the long run. Can't wait for the sun to actually start shining hahahaha.
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