More Pain and Sadness

As the days go on, I cannot help but feel that my sense of sadness is ever increasing. It is an almost hopeless affair, trying to maintain some form of sanity that is left in my rapidly degrading emotions. Already, I start to laugh, cry and yell uncontrollably for no reason whatsoever, and even to punch the walls until my knuckles shake from the blunt trauma and the skin bleeding from the tears. Why? Why is this happening to me?

I look around and find that almost everyone is happy in their own little way, yet all that I see of myself is just a miserable being tortured by its mere existence. I hate this way of life; I hate this way of living. To live and see others enjoying the thrills and pleasures of life while I am stuck in a solitary corner is among the worst things that one can ever experience. There are so many times where I look in the mirror, and even though my reflection is what shows, all that I see is just the shadow of despair reflected back at me.

It's a pain everyday to wake up in fear and sadness, trying to make sense of what my meagre life has left. Everywhere I go, I feel as though I am being mocked at by the very people surrounding me; they seem to mock me for all my dumbness and overall badness. It seems then that I am just as I was, a social misfit of sort who never had the chance to figure out how life really is like, or how society is to be run.

To my horror, I realise that I cannot bear to be alone. Despite all my assumptions that I am a loner, I discover that in reality, I cannot stand to be alone. Even being with someone who doesn't speak a word, I am content. I just cannot be in a room all by myself, with no one talking to me, no one holding me; the walls just feel as though they are going to cave in at any moment, or that some strange and ugly monster of sorts will suddenly appear out of nowhere to attack me.

Misery; why is misery always dogging my every move? Even now, as I am evicted from my dwelling on campus by the pure jealousy that I feel when I'm in it and my room mate talking to someone where they have a mutual liking for, I still clamour for the moment where I will never be alone again. A futile thought, I guess; some people want security in a relationship, others want other things that may not seem to be too similar. Looking at myself vicariously, I find in me nothing that might inspire someone to actually befriend me. Most of my friends do not last; those who do, I trust deeply, but there's always a nagging feeling that one day, they will abandon me in exasperation, just like the legions of people before them.

I fear abandonment. I cannot stand being alone. Being obsoleted is among the worst deaths that I can ever forsee myself having. It is such a cold and scary thought that I dare not even contemplate the aftermath of the whole shebang. I should break away from it all, away from all this pain and suffering, away from all these unnecessary torture.

But how am I supposed to do this without resorting to a drastic measure like suicide?