Well, it is 0526hrs over here in Pittsburgh, and I'm still awake (yes, that's right, I am still awake: meaning I didn't sleep at all, so there). Almost everyone is asleep (well, except for me), and thus it seems like a great moment to really sit down and say some stuff.
As posted earlier (before I was totally sidetracked), my main problem is loneliness. And jealousy. Oh, you have no idea how strong jealousy is. It takes a normally rational me, and turns me into a complete emo-exploding person. Powerful emotion, jealousy is, rivalling even loneliness in trying to tear my psyche apart. It's always there, lurking beneath the surface, looking for moments where my emotional status is particularly fragile when it strikes, crippling me completely.
There are, of course, lots of things to be jealous about: other people's grades, or even the fact that people around me are getting hitched while I'm still sitting around. Well, I dunno... making all this monologue seems so senseless; I know that there may be many eyes who might glance and maybe even read what I've written here, but how many will be able to offer a useful remedy for the problem? That, I have no idea.
And so, the traumatic week has passed. Great, and now it's the weekend, where things really start to go haywire. Yes, this is negative thinking, but hear me out. I just can't help but think all these very very strange things; it's not deliberate, it just comes like that. I wonder why is it that all these appear now; could it be because that I'm no where near my family? Even when I was still in Singapore, I think I didn't really interact much with my family, but being in their presence has always some kind of a calming factor onto me. Now, almost half-way around the world, I find that if there's something that I really miss most, it is the silent camaraderie I get from being a part of a very close-knit group. Social integration has never been my strongest traits, and being so far away and in a totally different culture doesn't really help. At least, when I was back in Singapore, I could just put on a facade to the world just to live, and then go off home and relax; and by relax, I mean truly relax. But here, in the dorm and out, I'm always the same person that I present to the world; I cannot seem to be able to let my hair down even for a little bit. Sadly, half the stresses that I face here are mainly from the fact that there is no place where I can just chill out and just do what I like to do. It's always academics and work, and trying to maintain cordial friendship to all.
Cui and Xiaolu are now actively trying to help me in my predicament. They are just so... nice. Such nice friends, only pity is that they are no where near me, otherwise I'd figure things would have been more easily resolved. I have only one thing to think deeply about: what constitutes me actually? Why have I been so mighty screwed up in the head for the whole year of 2006 till date? More and more mysteries, and fewer and fewer answers. Contradicting statements: it's okay to feel jealousy, but then one can choose to ignore it because there's no reason to be jealous. How am I supposed to do all these? Everything (well, almost everything) in my personal life is in turmoil now, and how am I supposed to do anything about it? Am I being driven on the verge of madness through the tremendous amounts of stress that I am facing? Is there something even deeper that I am missing? Even more questions, and even fewer answers.
YT, if you are ever reading this, help me. Please. I think... I think that I need all the help that I can muster during this period. I'm really scared that I might just... end up in a tail-spin and go really cuckoo.
*frustrated*
So, one moment I'm emo-exploding, the next moment I'm just plain detached/analytical. What the hell is wrong with me? Why this split? When did this happen? How did it happen? I once thought that I was among the wisest for my age, but now everything seems to be going horribly wrong. Why? Why? Why? Even more hard-to-answer questions. I want to have close friends, and there are some who are close, and I seem to have problems with my definition of what a friend constitutes. So muddled, all the realities versus the fantasies of my mind. How did it all began? I'm really wondering deeply how come I'm turning into this uncomfortable state.
Yes, yes, I'm fully aware that this is a rant, but what else can I do about it? All I have is this blog to vent up pent-up discomfort, in the hopes that people who really care can see a public version of what is going on inside me, and perhaps help a little in guiding me back to the normalcy of normal life.
*cries* I can't figure any of these anymore... this is getting too much for me. I cannot understand why... nevermind. There's much that I don't understand anyway. *resigned sigh* I'll guess I'll head back to proof-me-land and try to seek solace in there, while hoping that my mind will sort itself out (if it doesn't, I have no idea what will happen...)...
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