When X turns to Y

In reference to this comic from PhD Comics, things are now turning fairly ugly. She started being my love, then she turned into my ex, and now she has turned into a why.

Why did I date her in the first place?

It seems that the backlash is starting to fall into place. Suddenly all the truth between all the phantasies (yes I know the word should be spelt as "fantasies", but I like the ph- form better) just pop out so quickly and readily. It was so blatantly obvious now—it was all a huge misunderstanding.

Sit back, relax [somewhat]: it is story time from my perspective (with added commentary from my 20/20 hindsight).

Let me explain from the very beginning. Remember the posts in March this year? Well, they are actually a cumulative representation of the state of mind that I had at that time—not too good, if you actually read through them carefully. This completely odd state of mind persisted till this post.

So what happened till then was that the Japanese Students' Association organised a day trip to Washington DC for the annual Cherry Blossoms Festival, in part to commemorate the good ties between America and Japan. And it was this time that I first asked her out, to join me on the trip to visit the Cherry Blossoms. The reasons were two-fold—firstly, I just wanted to get out of the extremely stifling atmosphere where the girl whom I had a crush on [rejected me outright] and was literally lying in the arms of my room mate every night (no, they weren't having sex—they were just lying there on the same bed literally sleeping, or so it seems to me); secondly, she happened to be the among the first people on my mind to ask out to make the trip, because it was kind of pointless to be going to the Cherry Blossom Festival on my own. I could have asked either a good friend of mine (who actually took time to listen to my woes with regards to the crush I had on the other girl, who happened to be our mutual friend), or I could ask another girl (whom I still kind of have a crush on, but till date have said/done nothing about it because of obvious incompatibilities) to go with me. Either way didn't sound like good ideas, for I felt that I was probably taking up too much of my friend's time already, and asking a girl whom I had a crush on to go with me to see Cherry Blossoms was probably not a good idea by virtue of the fact that it was so highly suspicious.

So I thought of her instead, as she seemed to be a little more level-headed and willing to try out interesting things without getting to caught up in the messy details. And so I asked her to join me for the trip, and she agreed with no hesitation. The trip was then planned out and carried out.

Already I should have seen the signs; all that insistent teasing about me bringing my laptop along to do homework while being on the road, and the laughing of how I sang. All these should have been warning signals so bright and loud that I should have been able to see/hear them. But I think I was still in a bad mental state to be able to evaluate the issue at hand. We didn't declare a relationship until the next time we met, which was about a week later, when she said that she wanted to take me to some pond that she visited earlier in the day with a bunch of her friends. It was nearly dark when she told me about that, and I brought along my 箫 for no real reason other than to maybe play it in the night just for fun (because 箫 music in the middle of a pretty quiet night is really wonderful). Since it was dark, we decided not to go to the pond (which she said was actually in the middle of the woods, which was not a good idea to visit then due to the darkness of the night); instead, we went up to a hill which overlooked the skyline of the city. It was there that I made the first step towards my eventual pain. I threw an arm around her to keep her warm, and that was interpreted as me wanting something more from her.

In a way, it probably was. I was torn pretty much emotionally because of all the bad events that were occurring over the period, and was thus susceptible to such emotional fluxes. So the next day, we declared the start of our relationship, and so began the first phase of the saga.

——

So at this point, while I'm writing this up, this song started playing on my playlist in foobar2000, which I might add, seems to be quite an apt summary of what happened:

Don't Say Your Love Me—M2M
Got introduced to you by a friend
You were cute and all that, baby you set the trend
Yes you did oh
The next thing I know we're down at the cinema
We're sitting there, you started kissing me,
What's that about

You're moving too fast, I don't understand you
I'm not ready yet, baby I can't pretend
No I can't
The best I can do is tell you to talk to me
It's possible, eventual
Love will find a way
Love will find a way...

Don't say you love me
You don't even know me
If you really want me
Then give me some time
Don't go there baby
Not before I'm ready
Don't say your heart's in a hurry
It's not like we're gonna get married
Give me, give me some time

Here's how I play, here's where you stand
Here's what to prove to get any further than where it's been
I'll make it clear, not gonna tell you twice
Take it slow, you keep pushing me
You're pushing me away
Pushing me away...

Don't say you love me
You don't even know me
If you really want me
Then give me some time
Don't go there baby
Not before I'm ready
Don't say your heart's in a hurry
It's not like we're gonna get married
Give me, give me some time

oooo, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
na, na, na, na, na, na
oooo, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
na, na, na, na, na, na, na

Don't say you love me
You don't even know me baby...

Baby don't say love me, baby
Give me some time...

Don't say you love me
You don't even know me
If you really want me
Then give me some time
Don't go there baby
Not before I'm ready
Don't say your heart's in a hurry
It's not like we're gonna get married
Give me, give me some time
(repeat until fade out)

In hindsight, I needed her as much as she needed me then. She was my emotional crutch, while I was her physical support crutch. By then, I was already a certified First degree Reiki practitioner, and she needed ki to help with her health (she had an overall weak constitution as opposed to the relative "iron body" that I had). So, between both of our needs, it seemed that the whole relationship business was more of mutual support during times of needs than anything else.

Of course, all that I've said about this is based on hindsight—at that time, how was I to know what and how things would be?

——

We were almost inseparable throughout the remainder of the semester; almost always found doing things together, from studying, to playing MMORGs (that's the first (and most likely the last) time that I actually played MMORGs; as of now, I've already abandoned the account on that MMORG). I felt that I have found someone truly for me. It was true that she doesn't look like some super model, it is also true that she tends to poke fun at me for quite a bit; but it was all in good fun and I didn't really mind. She was there, and that was all that mattered.

But the tell-tale signs were always there; I just stupidly shrugged them off. She said outright that she would never think that I'd be with her; she always dreamt of herself either being on her own, or with some guy who was taller. There was so many things that was wrong with the overall picture when I stood next to her, but I didn't and couldn't see what they were, at least, not then.

Then the semester ended. I helped her secure storage locations with my friends because all the on-campus ones were already filled up by the time we started packing (we had finals till the very late, and most of the enterprising students have already taken up all the on-campus storage locations much earlier in the week). And she promised to bring my bicycle with her back to NYC for the summer (because I couldn't find a place to store my bicycle away safely).

She left.

——

And so I returned to Singapore for the summer. We kept in contact via IM. From the conversations that ensued, it was almost crystal clear that we were definitely heading for a break-up. The insistent criticism of parts of me, from my accent ("you should either take up a British or American accent, and not have that colonial one"), to my bicycle ("your bicycle is so broken! I'm not going to bring it back with me next time hahaha"), to inciting me to commit illegal acts ("hey, can you bring me this particular flower from Singapore?"), sounded more harsh when they were stripped down to their bare forms, without the tempering quality of her being around. Though biting, I let the words stand, blindly thinking that things would work out will in the long run. But as the days go by, even I started to have some misgivings about this whole relationship.

What was she to me anyway? Why do I even love her? I cast these thoughts aside [foolishly], and focused on her good points (there were, I assure you). And I willed myself to completely not think about all these bad points and to love her the way she is, trying to adapt to how she is.

And then she dropped that motherfscking bombshell on my head via IM. She gave me a bunch of reasons; her top being that I was "getting too serious about the whole relationship thing" and that "she wasn't ready". Now, with a much calmer mind without random emotional flux disturbances, I realise that there was more to that than what she said; bottomline was: she didn't need me anymore.

For I was her physical crutch during the highly stressful late half of the semester. With the limited ki-channelling abilities that I had, I was able to help with her discomfort by channelling energy around. But when she's back at home, she had the expert care of her mother (a Chinese physician), who used moxibustion to help move the stagnant energy in her body. With such a good source of physical comfort, where do I stand? Also, since she was back at home (as was I), there was even less reason to want to be with/rely on me.

And now, for some hard-hitting words. I was deceiving myself on her purity and goodness. She was a typical American-Asian—a spoilt brat. Unlike me, she has never had to lift her finger to do an ounce of work to earn what she wants; being an only child in a Chinese family of doctors meant that she could have anything that she wanted. And it was true; she had an iPod that she didn't quite use, a macbook pro which she used somewhat mediocrely, a good piano for her to practise on (Steinway baby grand), a set of audiophilic headphones (Bose) for listening to music on her iPod/laptop, among other things. I should have taken up the hint earlier when she was complaining about the state of my bicycle. The bicycle (given to me by my friend, Paul) is not in the best of shape with bright and shiny gears and all, but it is mechanically sound and still works; the bicycle is as much a tool as it is a momento of a friend who decided to quit out of college to seek his own fortune in the world. To diss it is already a sign of what she has in her mind.

And when we returned this Fall for yet another semester, I was going to have dinner with a bunch of my friends. Then she called and said that she was ready to pick up her stuff that she had stowed away, and I had to abandon my dinner and went to give her a hand. More irritating parts; earlier (say end last semester), I had given her the contacts of my friends who own the basement where we were storing our stuff. And when I called her earlier in the day, she had the cheek to tell me that she hadn't confirmed details with them. I'm like "..." and went ahead to help set up stuff with my friends. I guess that my friends, being out of the scenario, could probably see clearer than I that she was a spoilt brat. She didn't lift a finger to move her items; the labour was taken up by my two friends and I. And when one of the boxes was dead because of the flood of the basement some time during summer (yes, I was affected too), she had the gall to make an audible sound of disgust. One of my friends had made a prophetic remark earlier: "wah lau, if she don't thank must condemn already".

Of course it was true. We moved everything into her father's SUV, then she just left, still wearing her sunglasses and everything.

It was clear that I don't want her back anymore.

Then, of course, the recent fiasco...

I don't really want to talk more... it's already a long post, and it's already long over, but I feel that I want to talk about it to obtain a much clearer perspective to myself why I had initially dated her and treated her seriously, and why her decision to break up with me was as good a decision for her as it was for me.

The current state of affairs is not good. I still have some of her music theory notes which I loaned from her earlier in the year during the time when we were still civil; I want to return them to her soon and get it over and done with. It is clear that it will be a much longer time before we can actually maintain a decently civil conversation between us. Until the time comes when she gets off her prissy princess tower and start to talk to me in a fashion that doesn't sound condescending, it will be a while before I will want to talk to her for any extended period of time.

What manner of mockery it is; nobody deserves any kind of abuse, verbal or otherwise. Being a spoilt brat doesn't give one the right to act like a prissy kid. I believe in hard work to getting my jobs done, and to not be overly reliant on others. I know I'm not that strong emotionally, but if my emotional crutch were to be something as vicious as her, then I'd rather limp about with my emotional fluxes without the crutch than to be caught in an unending spiral of trauma.

That said, I'm more or less back to my old self, the pre-NS days when I work off raw adrenaline/caffeine, and always running a gear or two higher. Things are not perfect, but I'm sure that with my intellect and willingness to actually do work, things will work out just fine.

Until next time.