Affiliation...?

To be without an anchor of sorts, is indeed a torture somewhat. The issue here is that of affliation. It is mildly upsetting when people start to demonstrate the traits that they identify with each other when they are in the presence of other people; it is really a case of the "haves" against the "have-nots". Humans, being the social people that they are, tend to like to demonstrate their level of exclusivity through the enactments of such ritualised affliative behaviours; it shows off their community and related awareness.

I find myself being in the unenviable position of being the guy who has to sit through most of these exclusive exchanges between the folks that I hang out with. It is mildly upsetting because for that short moment in time when folks start talking about other folks that they know (that I don't), I feel left out, much like the times that I spend alone on my own, all left out from the world in a strange sort of way. Mind you, these folks are fine folks, they are also my friends, and it is completely normal that they'd have more to reminisce since they did share a common past before. But then again, it is just a little hard not to be slightly annoyed over that.

So, the journey ahead seems to be a long and lonely one. Sooner or later, it seems that I might need to make a really big decision of sorts, and frankly, I wish I never have to make such a decision at all. In the meantime, I will just try to do my best and forget about the rest; there's still people rooting for me and I cannot let them down on any account.

They are people, my people; we worked together, we shared a past, and they believed in me, and believed in my future. I will believe in what they believe in. If I cannot live for myself, then at least I can still live for the people who care for me.