The time that is left for me to hang out in Singapore is fast decreasing. Well, in logical truth, that is not quite the fact, but in reality, as the time fast approaches that of departure, it seems as though that the time is indeed passing really quickly.
This summer break has been somewhat restive, but along with the summer break comes breaks of other nature. Sometimes, when it is late at night, with me being the only person awake (just like now), I kind of feel the strange detached sadness that comes with loneliness. Most of the folks that I know have their own little things to do, and thus cannot keep on hanging out with me, so I have to make do with what I have.
To many people, I know that what I do, say or be doesn't mean much to them, but then again, it could just be my whining at fault here. The new semester is fast approaching, and given all the knowns and unknowns, I have no idea what to expect anymore. I find that I am fast losing the spark in me that drives me forward in life; I can still produce, but I find a general lacking of the exuberance that I used to have. Could it be that I have stopped applying those steroidal creams to help contain the massive rashes that I used to have? Or could it be that I am undergoing some kind of metamorphosis that alters more than just physical appearances; it also modifies the way with which I view and comprehend things.
That said, there's always the future to look forward to, whatever it may be. My goals in life are quite different from that of my peers, and my chosen path in life always seems to be the one that involves the most amount of fighting and defence as compared to the ones that others do. I do not regret the path I've chosen, but sometimes self-doubt will appear and keep on questioning me if I had indeed picked the correct path in my life to walk, or whether I had been going with the flow, or whether I was just trying to fit into the preconceived notions of being the "good person" and not really thinking about myself and what I really want to do. All these doubts keep on surfacing every now and then, sometimes in a way that makes me feel really sad to think about; it's like being told that all that one has been doing in one's life is all a waste and that there is no future whatsoever.
But on a more positive note, I think that next semester will be a little more interesting, even though the folks who I've been with will probably not be interested in hanging out again for another year. I'll try to do as many things as possible to keep myself so occupied that I won't end up in the same doldrums that I had during the first year. If there is anything that I can learn from the whole of last year, is to not believe too deeply into the idea of finding really firm friends, or that folks will care you much. The college environment is a strange one, since it will expose radically different behaviours from people. Folks who usually don't care about others can suddenly be someone's best friend, while others who are usually friendly can become cold and aloof in the college setting. The whole environment is just so artificial and contrived that many of these things will occur whether we like it or not. I'd rather like to think of this as "friendship of convenience" rather than the true friendship that we can have.
Which brings up a new question. Does "true" friendship exist? What are the obligations of people who are in a friendship (as opposed to say a relationship)? How much care and concern is required for the people in a friendship to contribute/take in order to keep it into a fair friendship? Does the concept of "fairness" even apply in this context? So many questions, yet the answers keep evading me.
I realise that as I keep on walking on this road of life, I tend to be ever more cynical. People seemed to be much friendlier when I was younger; now they start to become faceless shadows which come at you when you are most vulnerable. They can ignore you perfectly for a long time, till they require you to help then fulfil something, and only then will you suddenly be noticed by them and treated like as though you were a friend to start with (yes, this keeps on happening to me).
Amid the despair though, there are still people who are decent enough as friends, being there for you when you are down, sharing happiness, sadness and woe with you, offering support when you most needed, and never asking for anything in return. They try their best to maintain contact, even though they might be separated by thousands of miles. They bring you smiles, wipe away your tears, give you a hug when you need it, and pat you when you have a good job done. A pity though, such people are so far and few, and I think I'm kind of blessed to be able to have a few of them.
What is the meaning of life then? Or to put it into context, what is the meaning of friendship? I dare not even start talking about love now, considering the fact that even the simplest of human relationships (the friendship) I still cannot comprehend properly, let alone something as complicated as that of love.
Perhaps one day I will be able to understand all of these, and maybe more.
No comments:
Post a Comment