I Lament

Optimism. I never believed in it. Never did, never do, and never will. Optimisim is something that I find to be among the most unnatural of all things that one can possibly come up with. Why be an optimist when the world keeps crumbling around you? Why subject oneself to the illusion that things cannot get any worse?

Life... it is a complicated beast. And really, I'm just... tired. Tired of all the things I have to put up with. Tired of having to deal with five hundred different things at the same time. Tired of having to deal with the unreasonable pencil pushers, tired of having to fight for every damned thing that I want and need. Tired of having to pushing myself so hard only to be faced with one setback after another.

Stress. Heh. What stress right? Except I'm no smart person. I'm hardly one of those really ``intelligent'' people, nor am I one of those ``rich'' people. And I sure as hell am not one of those folks of authority. Who am I kidding with myself? Do I really think that I can progress at all?

Heh. Perhaps on the days where my mood is on the good side. Perhaps on the days that I remain delusional and am high on the nectars of petty successes. But when I sober up to the realities of it all, I find myself back to a position where I once was, never having really moved far from it.

Whine. I do not whine; I lament. I lament why I have to put up with all these kinds of crap from myself by myself---I lament why up to now I still don't have a firm grasp to my own emotions. I lament how I managed to deceive myself that I truly fit in, and lament why I chose such a hard life for myself. Indeed, I lament many things, but I do not whine.

I think I need real solitude, something far away from people of any sort, not even through my own domain of the Internet. Nay, I should stay away from civilised contact for a bit, and do a few deep soul-searching to think why I am why I am, and figure out what I must do.

And if there's any resolution I need to make, it will be that I be as misanthropic as possible. Already my year-end depression syndrome is running late, and I want to let it run its course fast so that I can better concentrate on my work when the semester begins.

It is going to be a busy day tomorrow.