The Curse

If things were to have gone smoothly, today would have been the magical marker of 1.5 years of my relationship with Ida. Unfortunately, things didn't go that smoothly, and so I find myself sitting here wondering about the life, universe and everything associated with them.

It has been almost 3 weeks since I was dumped. It actually took me a while to decide what verb to use in the last sentence due to the various connotations and nuances that each word can project. I think I chose ``dump'' this time instead of the usual phrasing of ``break up'' because I think perhaps it is time to put things into a slightly more selfish perspective---maybe it is time that I start taking control of my life and asserting myself in a way that doesn't harm me anymore. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that I swing to the other extreme and become extremely self-centred and not care about other people or their feelings; I just mean that I should start caring about myself more instead of always caring for other people all the time.

Besides, wasn't I the one who said that ``the only person to go with you all the way to the end is yourself''?

So right. Back to where I was before I digressed into some odd grammatical/English thing. It has been three weeks since I was dumped. Do I feel resentment? Maybe, I think it is hard to be completely devoid of that particular feeling type, since as far as I know, I did not do anything wrong that warrant a break-up. Do I feel sad? Most definitely, though the emotional impact on me is starting to be reduced even as time goes by. However, this does not mean that I am actually on the mend or anything---these things take time, and while I am not curled up in a corner and crying to myself all the time, I still feel a certain sense of melancholy that permeates through my being. Hopefully in time, I will recover to a level that I am actually happy to live with, but for now, I suppose burying myself in work is the best thing that I can do.

Each time I close my eyes, I keep getting reminded about how Ida and I were like together. The sights, the smells, the feelings all wash over me. Sometimes I find myself just silently tearing up, even in public whenever this happens. It's saddening, but who would really care other than for me? Would Ida care about it if I told her that I still had feelings for her? I doubt it... since she was the one who initiated the break-up, and I just agreed with her [reluctantly] because I respected her wishes. But who is hurt here, eventually? I think there is this really deep chasm that has fissured between Ida and I after the break-up that is not easily dealt with by me (I don't know about her). Suddenly the familiar seems so alien, the close seems so aloof---I'm not even sure how best I should be dealing with this, or even how I should be talking to her now. Should I be cordial yet formal, or downright angry at what happened? Heh... I still don't know how best to feel in this instance.

One and a half years ago, we decided to go out together. That's where ``The Curse'' comes in. Now that things didn't work out well, I will always be remembering the fateful day that we made a decision to go out together, since it was on that time of the year that I knew but chose to ignore for the most part---my birthday. Yes, it is a curse because each time this day passes, I will be forced to remember the relationship that never was, the happiness that was fleeing, and the ensuing pain that I could never really release completely. Melodramatic? Perhaps... but somehow I foresee this happening every year from now on, for Ida was truly my first true love, a love that I gave out of my own volition, a love that I thought could bear fruit in the long run instead of the flings that people seem to like having these days.

Of course it wasn't meant to be... the stars have foretold that a long time ago. I'm just trying my luck to see if I can conquer the fate that I seem to be associated with. Turns out there's only a limit in which I can deviate from the life path that the stars have ordained. Occult belief at work here? Maybe... but isn't it natural for people to turn to the supernatural in times of distress where science and reason no longer offer the solace that one requires to keep one's sanity in the ever-changing environment of emotions?

So what next? That's a valid question that deserves an answer, for sure. I suppose that having any more [serious] relationships in the short term is going to be nothing but pain (and unfairness, since I'm probably not in the right state of mind to be pursuing a new relationship of any sort), so I'll probably not even try to go down that path. If Fate were to have it's way, someone interesting will surely drop into my life again, lead me on another wild-goose chase before dumping me, so I suppose that I shouldn't think too much about this. Work is definitely a must---there are many things that I need to deal with, and perhaps that will be the salve that heals the wounds that were so painfully inflicted by one whom I had entrusted my heart to axiomatically.

Que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. And I will live on with The Curse forever.