Sometimes, I wonder what it is like to be an attractive person, to be able to attract people effortlessly, to be confident to flirt around a little, and perhaps get a few admirers. I mean, I've never really felt that I was remotely attractive by any degree, being cursed for most of my younger years with a rather obvious affliction of skin allergies with all the rash and peeling skin, and am now being cursed for being the ``weird'' one who just doesn't seem to conform to normal social behaviours and all. Having been called a ``monster'' once by a kid on the public transit system made a rather terrible imprint in my mind---maybe I was still traumatised by the whole event. So many things that have happened in the past that keeps haunting me this way.
Perhaps that is why when I end up in a relationship, I end up cherishing the moment a whole lot, because somehow I always seem to feel as though the relationship will be fleeting and thus disappear eventually.
It is not so much that I think that the relationships that I am in involve a lot of physical attraction attributes, it is more like I've never really thought that I would be attractive enough for anyone to be even remotely interested in having a relationship with me. Many times I feel rather misunderstood, yet there are times that even I think that I do not really understand myself. It is rather conflicting, to say the least; perhaps I am truly lacking quite a bit of the self-confidence with regards to my own personal happiness. Yes, yes, I am well aware that I'm starting to sound a little mushy/old-fashioned, but I suppose this is probably the best way of saying things.
I am not lacking in confidence, that's for sure---there are few things that I truly fear. I might be a little worried at my abilities from the professional perspective, but I know that I can pull through because I can. But when it comes to personal things like relationships, I am a completely different person. My fear knows no bounds, I think that I am weak, and I have little confidence in anything. All I know how to do, is to be a human who cares for other humans.
Heh. That of course didn't turn out well, since I am single once more.
So sometimes I wonder: what if I weren't the way I am, in the sense that instead of being as understanding as I can all the time, I am rather brutal and cruel some times, just to keep things in check and make things ``edgy''. Maybe that will change matters and fix what I perceive to be a character flaw in me? But am I just fooling myself? Do I really want to be someone like that? I've always prided myself on being conscientious and having a conscience, but if I were to fall down the trap as I described, am I not cheating myself completely then?
*sigh*
I think I'm digressing too far from whatever I wanted to try to say. Perhaps another time I will be able to say something a little more coherent.
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