Pathetic

Pathetic. The worst form of pathetic.

That is the only form of description that I have for myself. Why am I still sore over what has happened? Why am I still so annoyed at things? Why do I still feel so uncomfortable?

More importantly, why am I angry with myself?

The only answer to these is just the simple word of ``pathetic''---the all encompassing derogatory word that fully describes what I have become. The loss of a love ended with the consequent loss of a spine, which further led to the whole wallow-in-self-pity phase that I seem to currently be in.

Yesterday was an interesting Friday; I met up with some of my old class mates. The evening passed by innocently enough, with the usual banter that is expected from a self-proclaimed eccentric. Yet as the night wore on, and the company filtering down to only a fraction of what we originally began with, the most innocent of questions triggered the most intense denial and detachment that I have ever experienced.

Pathetic indeed.

She's not here anymore, not in person, not even in spirit. I mean nothing to her now---she might say that we are still friends, but personally I think that the mere thought that we are still friends at this stage is just wishful thinking---I have not gotten over her completely yet. Yet despite her conspicuous absence, why does she still have so much power and influence over my psyche, if not for the fact that I am being pathetic?

In some senses, being with her was among the happiest moments in my life, yet now I find that the very things that helped me pass my life happier then were rapidly being robbed from me. Already I find myself stifled in #cslounge, with her appearing ever so often and trying to be ``in the crowd'' of the misfits; and then there is the Facebook, which essentially plastered my home page with ``news feeds'' of her conversations with many of those friends that I introduced her to, and not to mention all the image/picture tags of her having fun with these same people, people whom she would not have talked to were it not through my introduction.

Needless to say, I tried hiding as many of these ``news feeds'' as much as possible. And I have actually given up on #cslounge---there's no point in trying to reclaim what was my original haunting ground, since it's probably more true that she will have more need to talk to those people than I do. The truth is, I've never really felt close to anyone, even having lived for more than 2 decades.

So utterly pathetic and useless as a human.

And of course, there are other things to worry about, like the fact that there is the off-chance that my plans go awry, and might not be able to enter graduate school as desired. But I suppose at the very least, I can still plan exigencies for these situations better than other things.

Oh, and I talked to Ida recently, and was pathetic enough to tell her that I wanted her back. I suppose nothing else can top the list of pathetic actions that I have taken so far.

This world is starting to lose its colour---the more I stay in it, the more I find that it has descended into an amorphous blob of greys. I see people walking past me, walking next to me, yet I do not feel that anyone truly wants to walk with me. Sure, I might have one or two close friends, but some day even they will get tired of my patheticalness and choose to carry on leading their own lives away from mine.

Divergence in life path is something that I accept as the eventual outcome from most of life's interactions.

Perhaps being tethered to another person emotionally is not something that I was designed or equipped to do---things always seem to go wrong at the worst possible time. Maybe part of the reason is the whole timing issue. Sadu asked me last night, when is my next ``hunting season'' beginning. And the only answer I gave him was, not for a long time.

Such a pathetic reply, almost expected from a pathetic person like me.