Mental Monologue [Sort of]

Secretly, I use IRC channels as a means of keeping time. I suppose that's one of the reasons why I was on #cslounge a lot; partially it was for the company, partially because it helped to keep the time. So in that sense, even though I'm not on #cslounge for now, I still hang out on some other IRC channel just to get some news (and pretty scrolling text when the words come fast and furious!) and also the time.

So, where was I? Well, this writing is going to be very rambling, since I don't really have a set idea to talk about---I'm just doing one of those ``free association'' things that Freud used to champion about. Somehow I feel a certain sense of calm within me; I think that it is mildly odd, to say the least, since not too long ago I was still in a rather disquiet mood. Yet today I find some semblence of serenity within me---is this the proverbial ``eye of the storm'', where beyond the level in which I currently exist lies yet another tumultuous time?

Tsk tsk... strange thoughts about the future creep upon me again.

But then again, must there be a rough time after every calm? Similarly, must every calm be followed by a rough time? What makes a person feel discomforted, what makes a person feel at ease? Do different people have different notions of comfort? Is life all about living, or is it about living good, or worse, is it about living a most decadent form?

Rebirth, cycle of life. Looking forwards, reflecting upon the past. Confusing juxtaposed emotions sealed by the eerie calm of the rational. Hmm... that last idea seems rather conceivable, that within the supposed calm that I am exhibiting, there lies the confused emotions that have been draining me of my energy for the entire time.

But emotions and emotive content, do they really matter at all? Is happiness something truly to be desired? Can the happiness found truly be eternal? What is eternal? Does there exist everlasting love? Is everlasting happiness a myth? Is suffering the only path to salvation? What salvation is there? What salvation are we talking about? Are we more interested in this life, or the next?

Pfft... so many questions. I know that many of them sound like rehashes of each other, but sue me. Sometimes it is hard to not think about questions like this, yet at others, the very nature of the questions seem to make up the essence of the underlying structure that begets the situation.

Alright, I suppose I'm starting to not make any sense anymore. But... whatever... I suppose? Life is strange on so many levels; maybe there is some other way of looking at it that I have not figured out yet.

Maybe some day I can figure things out better...