Not Every Day is a Good Day

I am not going to sugar coat things.

The past few entries may have demonstrated a certain overwhelmingly level of positive energy with all the various successes and triumphs that I seemed to have obtained in the things that I were working on.

But not every day is a good day like those. Today, for instance, isn't that good a day.

Granted, I finally finished reading the Rainbow anthology by Robert Wilks, and managed to sneak in Farewell to the Master by Harry Bates (source story for The Day the Earth Stood Still starring Keanu Reeves et al). I also had a nice steak at COLLIN'S, and finally started on some of the music-scale exploration project.

But it was not that good a day. Because intrusive thoughts had creeped into me again.

Nothing relating to the suicide, at least, in the corporeal sense. But a strong sense of committing social suicide kept on surfacing within my subconscious. I was out of the apartment today just to get a little sunlight and movement, and was at Serangoon NEX. Amid the hustle and bustle, I had this startling thought that I was never going to be gregarious, no matter what I did---all forms of gregariousness is literally a sham of sorts, a type of 敷衍.

The more I hermit up, the more I like hermitting up, because hermitting up has demonstrated almost no negative consequences whatsoever, just as long as there is enough money to fuel the needs of living in the city.

Yes, no man is an island. But it does get seductively close, especially when one realises that there is not really anything to live for in general, or rather, there isn't really anything else that is worth living for.

Quitting making music did come to my mind. Quitting whatever is left of my circle of friends came to my mind also. Both thoughts are intrusive, but the former one is going to be staunchly resisted by me---if I quit making music, I am literally killing off one of the few things that I do out of passion and not out of money, in which case I probably should plan to off myself as well. The latter one though... in many ways it has already been going down that path, what with my general aloofness to begin with, combined with spending the best years of my life studying abroad and then returning like a damn fool, and have whoever is left as my friends get married left and right with children.

Eh, ain't nobody got time for me. And that's without my active sabotaging of things.

I really shouldn't actively commit social suicide. Future-me is not going to like it. For the sake of my two best friends in the world (past-me and future-me), I am going to tell the intrusive thoughts to shut the hell up and go away.

I'm out of spoons for today. Till the next update.