``And I Felt That in My Kokoro''

Yeah, I know it's stupid o'clock. But so what? Aren't you, the reader, here because you are somehow a little interested in what I have to say, otherwise why would you be here in the first place?

Perhaps you are concerned and just want to keep an eye out on me. Or perhaps you are a troll, seeking an opportunity to stick it in when you find that I am down. Or perhaps you're one of the few humans left who stumble around random blogs to read things.

Or most likely, you are a web-crawling bot.

Anyway, this entry really isn't about you, the reader, even though it is written for you, the reader.

It's been an odd day. I felt mostly alright, playing me some Amid Evil (and finally completing it) while having Ninomae Ina'nis's 2-part sponsored drawing stream running the background as the comfy background setting.

But some time in the middle of the day, I did get hit with a somewhat unexpected feeling of just sheer tiredness. It's a strange type of tiredness, partly induced from staying up a tad late (I've been sleeping past 0100hrs for the past few days), and partly from the atrociously hot and humid weather.

I also had this intrusive thought of just walking away from all the usual communication platforms that I am available on and not return.

Because what's the point [of staying on these platforms]? I am a disembodied symbol with associated aggravated text, a damn symbol, not even an avatar or even a [recent?] photograph of myself, a damn symbol.

Needless to say, those whom I have been communicating with are merely text appearing next to some picture avatar too small to be recognisable as a person other than the rough pattern of colours that I cannot easily say to be of a person's face.

Nothing feels real anymore. I can't easily tell if people who have been interacting with me are really caring (or even enjoying the interaction) or is it just from some social obligation they feel from a vestigal sense of responsibility from once being friends. To be fair, it is not a criticism on their actions, but of my own increasing inability to want to engage.

The increasing amounts of disengagement (or equivalently, the increasing levels of hermiting up) puzzles one side of me that is still trying to explain things and reassure the rest of me. It is frustrating because it has revealed a still undefined problem that I was hoping that the sabbatical could also help define (and thus lead to a solution): what was it I wanted out of my interactions with people? So far, I have only succeeded in figuring out two preferences:

1. No children from me;
2. Spouse is optional, which really is a muddy-ass decision---a straightforward ``no need'' or ``sure let's find one'' would have made goals much easier to set.

But I haven't figured out what it means for the varying levels of friendship I have tried to maintain (with varying levels of success) over the years and continents.

I suppose at some fundamental level, I had lost my best friend for more than a year, and the lack of actual human contact from COVID-19 has made it hard to recover from that hole, since the more usual forms of socialisation is gone. Technology can only get that far, and even then, I am not the only person to be affected [negatively] by all the nonsense that is COVID-19.

Perhaps part of the problem is that it is already hard to engage with me to begin with, and that is with all the usual social structures/interactions in play; it's hard, but not impossible, thanks to the role that social cues play. But with all these isolation, disinformation, fear-mongering, uncertainty, and doubt, all those useful social cues have gone away, leaving behind the generally hard engagement.

I am not contrary for the sake of being contrary; I just have different interests from the mainstream. I am bookish, I like to talk about stuff that I like passionately. I can be opinionated (but have mellowed out significantly over the past 20 years), and I can learn to be empathetic, though my tolerance to fools and arrogant people isn't particularly high. But I don't share that common ground called ``pop culture'' that helps grease the wheels of interaction.

In short, I am scary on a good day, though much of that scariness can be considered self-inflicted. On a bad day, I can be really mean.

Where was I going with all that rant? I have no idea---I plead the stupid o'clock defense.

``Go seek professional help MT! You already know that it can help, and you have been given some tips on where to seek them in SIN, so why aren't you doing it?'' To that, I don't have much of a response other than ``What's the use when I literally just need to keep alive until my parents are done with their time on earth? It's not like I am ambitious and have some kind of dream that I need to achieve or something---to not be prematurely dead seems good enough for me. I may be feeling miserable, but it really hasn't been a nett negative to my quality of life, so is there really a need to do so and face the stigma, the additional financial burden, and their associated amplified ramifications when I can get away with just being content with what I have, despite the crazy.''

The system has failed us, the only question is what are we going to do about it. The important question for me is, what am I going to do about it?

All I know is that I'm going to go sleep now, and when I awaken tomorrow, I will feel better. Not every day is a bad day; there are still small victories to look forward to. The world can crash and burn while we are powerless to affect it, but we can totally and completely affect our own sphere of influence. So it is better to just do what I can for myself, and let God deal with the rest in His time.

Till the next update.