Buzzing Thoughts

Bear with me. I'm going to try and capture some rather fleeting thoughts before this buzz goes away. If things are incoherent, well, deal with it. Sorry not sorry.

I went back to my favourite bar for an afternoon of drinking [Guinness] and reading while eating some of my favourite bar grub. It has been slightly longer than a month since I was there, no thanks to all the ``no dining in'' edict that accompanied the ``Phase Two (Heightened Alert)''. I somehow managed to down 6 glasses of my favourite stout, and read some books, while getting a nice buzz.

I've not had such a buzz in a while, considering that I have not drunk anything alcoholic for a while ever since I have more or less cleared out my stash.

I was honestly afraid that I would somehow get myself actually drunk drinking my usual amount at my usual pace after not having drunk in a while. Thankfully, that did not happen.

What did happen is that I have this nice buzz. Combine that with some very positive energy 1980s mando-pop music, I feel innervated (not enervated---I swear these two words are somehow worse than flammable versus inflammable). There's just something about some 1980s mando-pop that makes it all bubbly and full of positive energy, something that I didn't realise that I was badly needing until today, partly because of some of the bad news that I have been hearing from my friends, partly because I allowed myself to start wallowing in the seductive thing that was nostalgia.

Oh no... the thoughts I want to capture are slowly disappearing---gotta go faster at the expense of coherence!

The manager of my favourite bar is leaving for greener pastures soon---her last day is next Monday. Naturally, I should show up to give her some support. I don't know her well enough to be able to call her by name, but her presence was definitely something to look forward to, if nothing but for a familiar face. I saw the owner of the bar [franchise] today, and it was still the same dude.

Tangentially relatedly, my worse fears regarding my favourite sushi place after seeing that all the steel kitchen equipment have gone missing have been realised---they are on an indefinite hiatus until this nonsense of a pandemic [control measure] is stabilised.

Leaving leaving leaving---everyone's leaving. Nothing new, possibility always expected, but still painful when it happens. I really don't like dealing with endings. It ain't over yet though, considering that Kiryu Coco's last day as a Hololive talent is coming to an end post Jul 01, which is like Thursday.

I really don't like dealing with endings.

A recent discussion with a friend plus some 1980s mando-pop optimism and being buzzed made me think very off-handedly about being in some kind of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship---the allure is still sort of there, but (as I have grown to realise) that kind of feeling of need/want decays increasingly faster over time.

It got to the point where when I see a nicely dressed woman with some body-con dress, the only reaction I had was just ``cool dress'' and stop there, not even interested in stealthily checking her out more. The reason is really simple: I don't even know who she is, so why should I even be bothered with being physically attracted to her.

Yabai yabai yabai...

...or is it really やばっ? Not being physically attracted to women is good right, since it means I won't fall into that big sin of sexual immorality and what-not?

Eh, who the heck knows.

I was thinking a little about my situation while taking the bus home from my favourite bar under the influence of the side conversations of the bar [franchise] owner and manager about how I am still on a year-long sabbatical, the 1980s mando-pop positivity, and being buzzed. One word kept coming to mind: walking-dead. Okay, it's hyphenated, so sort of cheating, but who cares? The walking-dead---that seems to be what I am.

Just moving through physical existence waiting to fulfill all the obligations that I still have remaining before turning my metaphorical switch from ``on'' to ``off'' permanently and calling it a day. Sure, some people might be a bit upset, but most of them are too far to really give more than a slight damn about the fact that I have gone away.

Harsh but in many ways I believe to be true.

It's as though I have already experienced what I wanted out of this life (the whole ``不在乎天长地久, 只在乎曾经拥有'' type of mentality that I have said before on many occasions. If I claim that this life is just a phase that I am passing through, and that I truly adhere to the mantra of ``不在乎天长地久, 只在乎曾经拥有'', then logically I should grow a spine and just be content with all that I have experienced and just be ready to be called home to the LORD.

Funnily enough, I feel as though this time, I am actually content to a large degree, despite this weird feeling that there is some yet undiscovered mental lock that I have not breached open.

Alright, I am feeling the buzz going away and regular cognitive functions returning. I'm going to end here for now and go run the hair clipper to lop off the month's growth of hair before my shower. The Animorphs series still has some 18-ish books left, and I hope to complete it so that I can move on to something else.

Why? No reason other than just to check a few things off the list. That's what my reading list is for---to motivate me to just move through works to check things off lists so that I can have a sense of achievement. It's my way of playing a game that I have set for myself---no direct comparison with other people because I really can't be arsed to get trapped in competition for something that doesn't matter at all.

Alright, till the next update then.