Inverse of Brevity

And just like that, two thirds of the month are now gone.

I honestly do not know what to feel about that. I've been marathoning me some books, like Why Are You So Sad?, and the a couple of the latest crop of Hugo award short stories, Metal Like Blood in the Dark by T. Kingfisher and Two Truths and a Lie by Sarah Pinsker. Combined with having read about surveillance capitalism as well recently, to say that my mind is ``flooded with dark thoughts'' is probably pretty accurate.

The type of dark thoughts though are of a different timbre (to borrow from music) than the ones that I had been harbouring nearer the start of the year. They are of a more impersonal nature, a vicarious type of experience about someone else's pain. This naturally differs from the personal existential dread of a life post-serious relationship or the general ``world is fucked'' type of existential dread that I was experiencing before. The vicarious nature provides sufficient distance that I could feel without being overwhelmed, something that I am finding necessary these days.

Anyway, enough of those types of dark thoughts.

I had a brief post yesterday about the meet up with some of the old fogeys, so I'll just do a slightly more detailed post today to round things up more thoroughly. It was nice to meet up and talk with some old friends even as the raging pandemic has basically diminished most opportunities that we used to have before through our weekly rehearsals.

Frankly at this stage, I still don't know if we are ever going to have rehearsals again, and how soon, but that's a tangent for a different post.

The order of the day was about housing---after all, we did meet at one of our group's apartment for our catch-up activities. Naturally I'm the single weirdo left, and everyone is at different stages of their planning with their significant others to get their first apartment to kick start their long life journey together.

To say that I was not affected at all by the talk is a big fat lie. Of course I was affected by it... I was supposed to be en route towards spending my life with someone whom I thought I could spend the rest of my life with before everything fell to pieces in the shockingest most unkindest way. But I don't fault them; I simply can't. House/apartment hunting with a significant other, married or about-to-be-married is a major milestone in a person's life. For many living in SIN city, it's probably also the first time that they are living on their own outside of their parents' place. SIN city is repressed, so having that sense of independence in the form of living is of paramount importance, especially for couples wanting to start a new family unit together.

Therefore I can understand the enthusiasm that they share. I mean, I an equally talkative and excited over the things that I enjoy or am about to sink a huge chunk of money in to, and even though sometimes (okay fine... most times) they don't share the same amount of enthusiasm, they were still polite in listening and participating, and generally being decent people.

They did try to be inclusive and asked if I was going to get my own place, but I just replied that there was really no net benefit for me to do so, being single [and weird]. Unless one is rich, SIN city really does not like to support singles in their bid to live independently---most affordability schemes are geared towards singles who have literally no other family left, or are too old to contribute to the total fertility rate, and even then, they are severely limiting such that in the miraculous outcome where the single person suddenly has a chance of not being that single, they will need to hunt for a new apartment anew since it is not possible to have two people live in a one-room apartment.

Seriously though, it really isn't beneficial for me to be moving out to live on my own. Sure, having my own place means more room to house my books, musical instruments, a server rack, and other paraphernalia associated with my needs and wants, but all that does is encourage more hoarding behaviours and make me more tied to the material world. Besides, I'm only committed to the child-free lifestyle, not sure if I am committing myself to being a single weirdo forever or not yet.

I'm okay with what I am at the moment. I'm not exactly praying to the Lord for a wife or anything of that sort---all I am praying for is some kind of clear signal on whether I am to be wedded, or to be single to be made known to me at His pleasure. Again to be fair, a marriage is as long as one lives anyway, so there really isn't any loss to not be married if it were meant to be the case.

I'm okay living with myself and with the Lord guiding me from above. So whatever God has in store for me on this front, I think I should be ready enough for it.

Maybe.

Anyway, after the talk about housing and what-not, there were other meandering discussions that also revolve around our rehearsals, work from home nonsense, what food to eat and the such. A fun time was had by all, and the evening passed on by really quickly.

Yeah, I think that's about it for this entry. Till the next one then.