What Have I Missed? Nothing

It has been a week since I disabled my Facebook account [temporarily]. Much to my surprise, I didn't really miss much. Life moved on, at a frantic pace of course for I am still a graduate student, and I still had contact with the people who mattered (that'd be my friends). I talk to people in the flesh, converse with them via email and IM, basically doing the things that I did prior to 2006 just when Facebook was starting to take over the world by storm.

Frankly, I think I can live this lifestyle. One without the interference of some odd social network thing like Facebook. Or LinkedIn. Or any of the hundreds of Friendster knock-offs (does anyone still remember Friendster?).

I'm not a technological Luddite---far from it considering everything. It's just that this ``always on, always connected'' lifestyle is really starting to burn into time that I once had to do things I liked, be it reading new material, sampling new games, writing or just going out for a meal. Sure, it seems harmless at first, but being a computer scientist also means that there is this obsession streak present. It is mild of course, almost all computer scientists or intellectuals have an obsession streak about them, but when these obsessions are effected as unproductive compulsions like using Facebook, it disrupts our general ability to do things. I mean, I'd rather have a compulsion of reading than to follow all the 500 or so Facebook ``friends''. At least all that reading will pay off in the end when I have the time to left my brain sort out what I have read and to distill the important parts while discarding the useless.

That's the problem. The lack of down-time, the lack of ``me'' time. That's what's different now when I compare it to the past. I don't realise how much I miss these times of introspection till I have decided to kill off all these useless compulsions one by one. No wonder I always feel drained.

One invaluable lesson that I am starting to learn is to take things in stride. Taking things in stride doesn't mean slackness---it means to take what it is dished out with a good measure of perspective. It means to not get so caught up with one part of life that I neglect the others. One potentially apocryphal quote by the Dalai Lama sums it up the best. When asked what surprised him the most, the Dalai Lama purported replied

``Man, because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then he dies having never really lived.''

It probably doesn't matter if the holy man actually said this, but I think that it summarises the perspective of life quite well. Referring back to Regina Brett's 45 (or 50) life lessons, it's really about asking oneself this: ``Will it matter in five years?''

But enough of arm chair philosophizing---I'm sure people are more interested in some of the ``juicier'' aspects of my life. (=

I've gotten one of those Energy Belt thingies that give you a small pouch for the important stuff, and small bottles that can store electrolyte drinks (poor man's version: tap water + half teaspoon of salt), all hanging snuggly around the waist. Why one of these thingies? Well, I hate having to carry keys or anything in the pockets of my bermudas for running because getting ass-slapped by the damn thing is just annoying. Plus, as I start to increase my overall running distance, I will have to start taking hydration seriously, especially since summer is about to arrive. I got mine from Meijer for about ten dollars cheaper, which is awesome if you ask me.

Recently, I made a self-inking rubber stamp of my emblem. That profile picture that is available on the side bar of this blog, or that icon on the address bar? Yes, that's my emblem. I got it done at Simon's Stamps. All I had to do was to upload the image file and they sorted it all out. Workmanship is wonderful and it arrived fairly quickly too.

I've been seeing an athletic trainer these days with regards to the ginky deep muscle on the outer left side of my left calve muscle (I'm not going to use precise anatomical-speak here because I don't really know how to call it, but I think it might actually be the Fibularis Brevis, some stabiliser muscle that controls eversion of the foot). The exercises that she prescribed were rather weird, but they do help with the overall condition. The next session is going to be interesting, because she will be checking out my [nearly] barefoot running gait and seeing if it can be fixed to reduce all these weird lower limb problems.

Alright, enough babble for now. Need to have an early night. I've been rather sleep-deprived for the week. Till the next update.

April Already? Damn!

Ah, the variability of the perception of time. It is strange how when one is really busy working or having fun that times seems to be so short, yet when we start looking back on the things that happened, it seemed oh so long ago even when it was just merely a week that had passed. And when we look ahead into the future, even when there is a month or two before things are due there's always this sense of dread that there just isn't enough time to get things done.

Such is the way of life that I am having now, I suppose. The passing of time is getting harder and harder to gauge, and because of that, I need to constantly remind myself about the real-time that I am experiencing through the use of various chronometers. The one that Ida gave me for my birthday a good three years ago has finally broken down for good---the analogue component wasn't working any more, and for that particular watch, it was the analogue motion that I found the most useful, possibly because it was much larger than the digital component. So now I just rely on my trusty Timex watch that I can sit nicely like a small desk clock to stare at it as the seconds count by.

April huh. That was pretty fast. Just a moment ago I could have sworn that it was still March. The weather is starting to show signs of returning to its ``normal'' schedule of a slow-rise towards spring weather. It's too hot for me to wear my jacket, and too windy/chilly still to run about in just T-shirts and jeans, and so I broke out my usual interim wear of scarf and half-finger gloves. I think it makes me look a little fruity, but hey, it is comfortable and so I'm not really complaining much.

Soon, this month will pass us by once again and yet another round of frantic movements to finish up this semester and to look forward to a summer of undisturbed research.

On another note, I've been using the new interface for blogger for the past week, well roughly starting at the time that I announced my one month hiatus from Facebook, and I must say that I still don't really like it. Unlike say the Gmail interface, there is no option to ``compactify'' things to make it take up less whitespace. Damn these Web 2.0 design mumbo-jumbo---sometimes all we want is just raw data, not some fancy space-eating nonsense. Anyway, apart from that, the text editing box now is also quite horrid---it scales according to how wide your browser window is. Now I no longer have a good sense of how much I'm writing since the damn window that I am writing all my entries in are just so variable in width!

Why do software companies like to dick around with their interfaces when it was clearly working alright before?

Frantic Friday

Some interesting things that went past my mind this morning:

• As one gets older and gets more integrated into society, the sense of individualism gets eroded as we start realising that there is a really large world out there after all. That's why family and friends are important---they remind you that you are still an individual in spite of the largeness of the world.
• Sleep and mood are highly correlated, without sleep, mood gets pretty negatively affected. Not very good for higher-order cognitive functions.
• There are many paths through life. There are many ways to walk through life. Which is my way? What is my objective function?
• No matter where you are, talk to people around you. Absorb the good advice, discard the bad, and laugh at the nonsensical.
• Self-inking stamp with my emblem has arrived! I've been wanting that for a long time now, and have finally gotten it. Cool.

Alright, enough of wasting time. Need to get things done, as always.

It may be Friday, but there is one more little hurdle to cross before I can get a little brief respite from it all. Till the next entry.

Burble Blurb

Funny isn't it? How when I'm away from Facebook I actually get to post just a little bit more over here in my own original soapbox. Hard to think what I was missing when I didn't hop on that bandwagon.

I had a good talk with my friend and comrade-at-arms today---his word gave me some new light on my current hard life. I wonder if what I am feeling now is for good or for worse, but really, there are enough fires to fight already without having to get into the pure hypotheticals.

Sleep truly is an important resource. Sure, I can code drunk and/or sleepy, but when I need to think... it doesn't work. At all. No way. Already I am feeling the ill-effects of being fairly sleep-deprived and not having enough of nature's anti-depressants running through my blood due to a lack of running and other physical activity.

*sigh*

I feel so tired. I should head home and get some sleep. Got a lot of things that need to be done, and I have to go do them.

The Poison of Some

Alright, now that it has been a few hours that I last talked about going on hiatus with respect to facebook, let me bring up some reasons why I think that this is a good idea, lest people start to think that I am going crazy and out to kill myself or something from the social isolation.

It is really not about an isolationist policy. The truth is, there are people who are just poison, and then there are those who are really supportive. I had always known that, and I'm starting to see more and more of such examples. I need the time to myself to consolidate things, to galvanise my own will against the ever changing and harsh world. I need to remind myself that the past happened, was there, and will not be here again.

In short, I have to move on and learn to be emotionally and intellectually independent.

The whole ``short messages lol'' syndrome that I am getting from Facebook et al is really reducing my ability to debate and to think. I started simple, by relying on email notifications from Facebook on things that were happening so that I didn't have to poll the place---it didn't work out because there were just too many things that were happening, with people updating their status on their happy marriages, awesome new jobs or sometimes bad things that happen to them. Then I eschewed that and decided to check in as and when I felt ``bored'' enough to do so---it ended up with me mindless refreshing the damn news feed every thirty seconds with hardly any updates on it.

I need to channel my obsession and compulsion into something more productive. Like actually learning how to think deeper, for example. Like asking questions and trying to answer them, for example. You know, like the very skills that a good researcher needs to have.

I used to think that I just needed a PhD for my job, to show that I didn't suck, to show that I had something in me. I had long dumped the idea that I would be a good researcher.

Well, fuck that. I want to be a damn good researcher. I have been pussy-footing for too much already, thinking about the ``normal'' life that I was missing, casting doubt on myself as to whether this was what I wanted every time I felt overwhelmed.

In short, I was being a coward. And I blame it on the poison that I have been inadvertently imbibing by hanging around too much on dem social networks.

When Facebook didn't exist, I was the stud. I spent time on my own, reading, thinking, having fun working out new stuff. Then Facebook came on, and I got suckered into the sordid drama that is associated with it. Naturally, productivity and my sanity went straight to hell and have been there for quite a while now.

Time to fight back. I keep saying that, but I need to make it a reality. My very sanity is dependent on it.

Thank you to my friends and acquaintances who counselled me to realise this fact in my life. I don't want to be in the state where I get kicked off the programme, only to realise how much I really wanted it, discovering that the only reason I failed was that I wasn't tenacious nor hungry enough to pursue it. I will ruminate such issues when I am dead and cremated, not now.

I will not bow down to pressure. I will face it the way I have done so for the last 20+ years of my life.

I am here because I chose to be here. I must never forget that.

Leaving Facebook Alone For a Month

Well, it's official. I'm trying a new experiment of social isolation once more, since it is obvious that I need to start figuring out how to live ``on my own'' as people start to drift further away and I start to find less and less support available.

I've deactivated my facebook account. And this time, I fully intend to keep it deactivated for at least a month.

I think that I am starting to lose any sense of focus and control given all these new-fangled ``social media'' nonsense, and it is really starting to get on my nerves. I mean, I am partly obsessive and compulsive, but such obsession and compulsion are clearly being misplaced on this always-update-and-attention-seeking aspect that is the social media. This has got to stop.

Not to mention that I'm also starting to find said social media a mass emotional masturbation scenario, where status updates are met with sympathisers but are missing a whole dimension of critical thought and help. I think I should learn to live in the real world a little bit more.

Of course, if anyone needs to contact me, there is always the email. Or through comments on any of my blogs---they are moderated, and if one explicitly states to not publish said comment, I will respect that wish, unless Blogger, under the horrendous change of interface and other machinations, screws it up.

Alright, enough of blurbing. Back to work.

Blog Writing?

Is blog writing no longer in vogue? It seems that the people whom I once knew were semi-prolific writers have either gone underground or gone away and have not been writing much at all. Is the art of the proverbial ``brain dump'' no longer that applicable in this time and age of short texts and fast ``status updates''?

While I like to use Facebook's status update function to do supposedly witty one-liners, I find once more that the rather short space there is very limiting for my general verbose nature. This is part of the reason why I even started this ranting blog in the first place, since the poetry one was deemed to be a bit too restricting in terms of allowing me to write whatever I want, however I want. But anyway, I think that I digress once more.

Sometimes I wonder if the current trend of brevity is a good thing for us all, whether our attention span is affected by all these rapid communication techniques that we have at our disposal. While I can't really speak for others, I feel that all these new-fangled social media mumbo-jumbo has affected the way that I think and act in many ways, not all of them good. I am starting to find it hard to construct well-reasoned arguments since all these new communications channels demand a much faster turnaround time. Actually, come to think of it, it is more than just communications---almost everything has its expected response time shortened and that annoys me to no end. I might write more about this some other time, but it is getting rather late here, so I shall stop right now.

Till next time.

My Dream-time Lover

Last night as I lay in bed, I dreamt of my lover. It was a strange dream that involved adventure and acrobatics, but it was one that made me wake up wondering if I would ever find her. As I sit here working on research-related things, a good 12 hours since the dream, I try to recall and write down what had happened within the dream itself.

She was there. Someone whom I was introduced to by someone whom I know, I think; I cannot quite remember. I don't even remember her face now---it has been so long, and I can't even tell if she had long or short hair. We met, I liked her, I found her interesting and cute. I think we met at some restaurant or something, and had a nice conversation---memory is fuzzy now, I swear I should have just written it down while it was still ``fresh'' in my mind. I found that I had a connection with her. She was the One, the person I had loved all my life but never knew who she ever was.

Then, I was on the ground floor of a building or something. There was a huge commotion---she was in an office somewhere up in the building. There was something wrong about, I knew I had to get her out of the place. I ran up the building as best as I could, and managed to get to her office. We embraced; I felt a little relieved. But it seemed that it wasn't quite over. We left the office, fast. I don't know what the commotion was about, but I knew we had to get away. Fast. Somehow I was carrying her on my shoulders and we were headed down the stairs of the building. The stairs---they were wide, circular, long. I ran as fast as I could down them to get to my motorcycle. Why I had one, I didn't know. We got there somehow, me feeling the adrenaline rush, she holding on to me close. We got on to the motorcycle, with me driving and she being the pillon rider. We charged out of the building.

Away from the building we went, past the many people around us. I felt at ease with her---I knew that whatever danger it was, it wasn't over yet. Not just yet. We went on along the roads, through the highway, out into the open. I cannot remember exactly what was it, but I suppose that was when I woke up.

Sometimes I wonder what my brain is trying to tell me. >.< When I awoke, I felt a sense of serenity, that kind of contentment that one feels when one is absolutely blissful.

Maybe I will get to see her again in my dreams or better yet, in my life.

``It Really Makes You Think™''

Time passes rapidly, especially when one is having fun. And in this case, I am of course referring to the stuff that I am working on.

Spring time is barely here, and my mood is already looking up in spite of the many things that caused it to go down in the first place. New friends are made, new connections emphasized, old ones less emphasized---life goes on. Spring brings a renewed type of vigour that is quite infectious, really. Good time to get things done, get things going, and staying alive.

A senior PhD student once said that ``in a PhD programme, you do a lot of thinking---not just about your research, but about everything in general''. I used to take that statement lightly, but now, I think that it holds quite a bit of wisdom in it. If we think of an athletic programme as a means of training the body to do things at a higher intensity while maintaining good efficiency, then the PhD programme is the exact same thing but for the mind. Like with athletics, once you have reached the intensity provided for by the programme, it changes the way you operate at a fundamental level, which leads to the whole business of thinking about everything in general. I think this is a very powerful message to take from this whole confusing apprenticeship that is the PhD programme, and is one that will serve me well in terms of keeping everything in perspective.

But anyway, apart from work, having some sort of balance is pretty important too, much to my amusement. I've since discovered that despite my self-proclamations of being a workaholic, I'm actually not that obsessive about work---obsessive enough to keep pushing, but not obsessive enough that I cannot put it down for a while to do something else.

Alright, I've lost the momentum for writing this entry. Maybe more will be forthcoming next time.

Thursday Mumble

T'is been a while, hasn't it? Long week, longer weekend... so much to do. I've hardly had much time to myself to figure out social issues to comment on here any more. But anyway, here I am once more, and let's see what I have in store?

So by a series of unhappy coincidences, it turns out that there is a non-trivial number of people that I know who are leaving their respective PhD programmes. It's kind of a sad thing to see them go, partly because of the comradeship I had with them as fellow PhD students, partly because they all have that world-weary look about them when they conveyed their final decision to leave the programme. It's quite sad actually, to see people leaving with that ``I'm really sick of this shit'' look about them; sometimes it makes me second guess myself about the choices that I have made in life thus far. But really, at the end of the day, everyone has their own goals in life, and just because some folks have decided that the PhD programme isn't for them doesn't mean that it isn't for me---that kind of thinking is the recipe of disaster. I'm pretty sure that there is a psychological term relating to that line of thought, but I can't seem to recall it for the moment.

This semester has been progressing like a really bad roller coaster ride. Taking courses has never been much of a problem for me, but if we compound that with the need to actually be cognitively attuned to do research, I realised that my ways of maxing out abilities for the classes just don't work that well. There's a difference between doing what is necessary to pass a class and actually having to do deep thought---the first one can be done mostly in a semi-conscious way only because the material is well-structured, which facilitates good absorption, but the second one can only be done in a fully conscious manner. Maintaining higher order thinking abilities is of paramount importance just to survive the PhD programme's research component, and to do that, I cannot be stressed out nor can I be running on little sleep. Talk about a picky situation. But enough of the depressing stuff.

Recently I relented and finally forked out some money to get an iPod Classic (160GiB). No, I have not changed my stance of disliking iTunes immensely due to the way it bowdlerises the music to fit into the ``grand'' architecture of things and how it tries to take over your computer, but I must agree that the build quality of an Apple product is pretty good, though a tad pricey. So why the plonking down of hard cash for this device then? One word: Rockbox. I've been eyeing the Rockbox project for quite a while already, and have planned to get one of 'em hard drive based iPods due to their large capacity. So when the latest release of Rockbox showed better than dismal support for the iPod Classic, I knew it was time to get one, and so I did. I'm really enjoying the much better quality of the music, since I no longer have to downsample anything just to fit them into a smaller capacity device. I might devote a post specially on how to Rockbox the iPod classic a little in the future when I have more time.

Till next time.

8 days have passed?!

Wow. One blink of an eye, and... another week has passed. I'm not really sure if this is a good thing or bad, but damn time passes quickly.

Anyway, some quick ``bullets'' because I'm too lazy to write a full post today:

• I've experimentally confirmed that I definitely need 7 hours of sleep at the very least to maintain cognitive abilities beyond mere ``programming''.
• I can actually run fast---I just need to push myself more.
• There are several things that I need to adjust ``in my head'' before I can truly shine; I just hope it doesn't take too long to get these adjustments in.
• In spite of trying to be a hermit, it turns out that I'm much more susceptible to company than I dare to admit.
• Peanuts are awesome snack food.

And that's all I have for now. Sorry for the cop-out.

Till next time.

又是一篇无聊的文章

你好。不，我不打算完全用中文来编写这些博客文章。说来也有点奇怪，最近总觉得中文比英文更有亲切感，仿佛是多年不见的老朋友似的。想当年因为某某中文老师的因素而对此语言残生恐惧，我觉得有点遗憾。可能是我开始老了，有点儿成熟了，所以会对母语残生新一轮的兴趣。

当然，我人在美国，能用中文的机会也不多。即使周围的中国籍学生都很多，我其实不大爱在公共场合里里用中文来沟通。我不知道这是否是自己害怕被歧视的反应，或者是别的因素而导致的。其实我也不管这么多，多学个语言往往是个好事。

可能有些中国籍同学无意中发现我这微薄的博客，看了这几篇文章，会因为我的用词不当与简单的表达方式而笑破大牙。对这些读者，我只能说请见谅小弟我超烂的中文水准。

罗嗦了老半天，该会去干活儿了。后会有期。

Every Breath You Take

Ah, something a little different.

Every Breath You Take------The Police

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you

O can't you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches with every step you take

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I'll be watching you

Since you've gone I been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but it's you I can't replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby please

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I'll be watching you

Lyrics courtesy AZLyrics.com.

Funereal #3

Ahem.

In a dark corner of the room, I lay there in a cheap plywood coffin that some kind soul finally decided to donate. It was a strange place to be, the hidden corner of the crematorium where the destitute dead were temporarily kept before being cremated during the off-hours of the crematorium by the State in one last act of kindness to its citizens. But I suppose it cannot be helped, considering everything. While I was still alive, it was always an uphill battle trying to be what I was to be. But that incident not too long ago, it just took away all that I had. My name, my reputation, my money, my family, my life. But it is all moot now; I am already dead, and just waiting to be finally returned, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

嘿

嘿。最近心情总是不太好，感觉上好像少了些什么。或许是压力，也可能是天气，或者是二月的关系，每天醒来的我总是有点无精打采。有时我怀疑自己可能患上了忧郁症之类的怪病，但由于自尊关系的缘故，我不敢找个专家来诊断是否真的患上了什么怪心理病。

研究工作其实是蛮好玩的，不过不知道是自己太顽固或愚蠢，每当开会时都会觉得自己好像做得不够似的。当然开会的结果谁也能够想象的出来。可能是因为工作了太久了，被赚钱的诱惑给迷上了，头脑也变得笨拙了，也就因此导致这样的结局。

嘿。

再难也得熬下去。路是我选的，再难走也得走下去。若是失败，至少能给自己一个交代。但失败从来不在我的想象范围之内：这经历只能成功，不许失败。

读者，若您是信仰什么宗教的话，请为我祈祷，让我风风光光的走出一个春天来。

Oh?

You know how people keep telling you that life is meaningful and that you should always cherish it as much as you can and all that feel-good stuff?

Sometimes it is really hard to remember that. Really, it is hard.

I have a confession to make.

Gurer'f n ernfba jul V'z nyjnlf fb qrcerffrq, fb fpnerq, fb svyyrq jvgu nakvrgl. Ab, vg'f abg orpnhfr V'z vapbzcrgrag. V uvtuyl qbhog gung V nz gung hfryrff jura vg pbzrf gb erfrnepu, ohg ernyyl, gurer ner whfg fb znal... fvtaf gung znxr zr srry qrcerffrq. Vs lbh'q xabj zr, lbh'yy haqrefgnaq gung V nz n zvk bs gjb znva glcrf bs raretl, obgu vagebirefvba naq rkgenirefvba (ZOGV zrnavatf orvat hfrq urer). Bs gur gjb, V unir n fyvtugyl zber graqrapl gbjneqf rkgenirefvba, fb V yvxr pbzcnal, ohg abg gb gur cbvag gung gurer'f n uhtr pebjq---V pnaabg gnxr gung bar ng nyy.

Naljnl, onpx gb zl nakvrgvrf. V xrrc frrvat znal guvatf nf fvtaf---bar ol bar gur crbcyr gung V xabj ner tvivat zr gung ``lrnu qbvat tenq fpubby vf whfg gbb zhpu sbe zr; V pna'g gnxr gnxvat lrg nabgure pynff'' be gung gurl ner univat gebhoyrf qrnyvat jvgu gurve fhcreivfbef naq gur yvxr; vg trgf gb zr. Vg ernyyl qbrf trg gb zr. V xabj gung jung unccraf gb bguref unir abguvat gb qb jvgu zr, ohg vg vf uneq gb funxr bss gung qvfpbzsbeg. Ernyyl. Naq gung'f bar bs gur ernfbaf jul V xrrc srryvat engure qrcerffrq naq nakvbhf.

Vg'f dhvgr onq npghnyyl, abg greev-onq, ohg fgvyy onq abarguryrff. Abjnqnlf, ncneg sebz fyrrcvat, rngvat (naq bayl orpnhfr V'z whfg gbb uhatel), tbvat gb pynffrf, ehaavat/genvavat va whwvgfh, nyzbfg nyy gur erznvavat gvzr vf fcrag ba erfrnepu. Naq vg sehfgengrf naq fpnerf zr rnpu gvzr V jnyx vagb bar bs gur guerr zrrgvatf rnpu jrrx srryvat nf gubhtu V unq qbar nofbyhgryl abguvat jura gur erirefr vf gehr. V ab ybatre fbpvnyvfr (abg gung V qvq zhpu gb ortva jvgu), naq gur byq ``jbnu V fubhyq trg n tveysevraq be V'yy or sberire nybar'' abafrafr gung cynthrq zr zbfg bs zl haqretenq lrnef unf fcnerq zr pbzcyrgryl abj. Fher, gurer ner n srj avpr tveyf jubz V'q yvxr gb unat bhg zber bsgra, ohg gurl vagrerfg zr bayl gung gurl ner avpr tveyf gung V'q yvxr gb unat bhg jvgu---gur vqrn bs qngvat arire ernyyl pebffrq zl zvaq.

Gnyx nobhg n pbzcyrgryl fperjrq hc yvsr.

V qba'g trg gb cynl zl syhgr gung zhpu gurfr qnlf. Gur svatref ner fgnegvat gb or n yvggyr fgvss, ohg gunaxshyyl V unir gb glcr fb zhpu naljnl gung gurl qba'g ernyyl ybfr gurve qrkgrevgl. Gur rzobhpuer vf fgvyy ubyqvat, ohg nyernql V srry sng-yvccrq. Lrg V fgvyy fbyqvre ba. V yvxr jung V'z qbvat, V whfg arrq gb xabj ubj gb qb vg orggre, be ng yrnfg, pbzzhavpngr vg orggre. Xabjyrqtr gung vf va gur urnq vf hfryrff nf n fpvragvfg orpnhfr ab bar pna inyvqngr jung lbh ner guvaxvat.

V'ir nfxrq zlfrys guvf dhrfgvba znal gvzrf. Jul vf vg V qrpvqrq gb trg vagb guvf cebtenzzr? Jul vf vg V nyjnlf jnyx vagb n jrrxyl zrrgvat gb trg zl nff xvpxrq, bayl gb cvpx zlfrys hc fbzrubj naq gel ntnva sbe lrg nabgure nff xvpxvat gur arkg jrrx? Jul? Jul obgure ng nyy? Lrf, vg trgf nyy qrcerffvat gurer.

Ng svefg V gubhtug nobhg vg va gur frafr bs zr abg jnagvat gb qb gur zhaqnar. Gung fgvyy znxrf frafr, ernyyl, ohg vg vf abg rabhtu. Gura V ernyvfrq nf V ernq naq gevrq gb frr gur cnggreaf naq gur geraqf gung V npghnyyl yvxrq qbvat guvf. V whfg qvqa'g xabj gur cebcre fxvyyf gb fubj jung V unir orra qbvat nyy jrrx orpnhfr jryy, V onfvpnyyl xvyyrq zlfrys va grezf bs gvzr ol orvat fb jbeevrq naq sbphfrq nobhg fubjvat fbzr qrygn-punatr npebff gur guerr qvssrerag zrrgvatf npebff gur jrrx gung V xrcg chggvat hc unys-nffrq fghss ng rnpu zrrgvat. Gnyx nobhg fghcvqvgl. Gung onfvpnyyl zrnag V unq bayl sbhe qnlf gb guvax nobhg guvatf orsber V senagvpnyyl chg hc unys-nffrq svefg-qensg fyvqrf gung V qvqa'g znantr gb ybbx guebhtu naq nygre nppbeqvatyl, guhf yrnqvat gb gur nff-xvpxvat. Guvf jnf gehr sbe gur jubyr gvzr gung V nz abj jbexvat njnl sebz rirelbar.

That's quite a lot for one confession, but hey, I'm not counting. I guess I feel a little better for putting this out here to the few people who actually still drop by to read what I have to say, not counting those from that weird spam site (yes you, I know who you are), and those folks who came by from searching for ``hanging stick figure'' on image search (you guys are sick).

Anyway, till next time I suppose.

February Fantasy

Hello February, you have arrived rather quickly this year. I wonder why.

Will you treat me fine? Will you treat me well? Will you be kind enough to let me survive and succeed?

Or will you let me down?

33 Day Look-back

I know that this entry is definitely too late compared to the usual time that I put this up, but bear with me. This time period has been quite difficult. The year that just past me was one that was fraught with many difficult decisions that needed to be made, and really, I am still in many ways trying to get to come to grips with all that I have to deal with.

But as always, I think that I have diverged greatly from the intention of this post. This was supposed to be a celebration, not a rant, and so here it is.

Just a couple of days ago was yet another birthday anniversary of mine. It was a decent day where I allowed myself to take a little break for once and just do things that I liked doing as a way of pampering myself. I mean, I'm not really that big a fan of drawing a huge bunch of attention towards myself on a day like that, but really, sometimes it was just a nice thing to treat oneself to some of the simpler pleasures in life. I played a little flute in the morning, messing about with some Chinese New Year-themed pieces all from memory before settling down with a nice Korean-styled spicy instant noodles. John grabbed me for some light geocaching in the early afternoon before we joined up with 3 of my other good friends over here in UIUC for a special dinner over at Mandarin Wok.

The funny thing about it all is that my birthday happened to co-occur with the Chinese New Year's eve celebration, and thus it was, in many ways, a dual celebration of sorts. Unlike the time when I was back in CMU, I'm not really that close to the local chapter of the Singapore Students' Association, which meant that if they had some kind of reunion dinner event, I wasn't really in the know for it. Taking matters into my own hands of course, I just organised a strange one for myself.

I think that overall, it was a nicely organised dinner, even though I wasn't really the kind of guy who hosted events like this on any extended manner. We splurged a little, ordering nice foods like braised sea cucumber and even fresh steamed sea bass, a rarity for this part of the world considering that we are really fairly landlocked here in Champaign-Urbana.

So, what are my thoughts about having reached yet another milestone in life? Not much, really. I'll be happy to just obtain my license to research and move on to doing great things with it, and at the same time, attempt to live and love life while it still lasts. Funny how I don't really have that much expectation now; I wonder if I'm just getting a little too old that my cynicism was starting to get in the way.

YT actually sent me an early birthday gift some time back, thinly hidden with the excuse of using my size estimate for a ``friend who was roughly the same size''. It was a T-shirt from Cafepress with an 8-bit compass and the cute epithet of ``old school GPS''. That was pretty awesome.

RX had gotten me Batman: Arkham's Asylum over Steam for my birthday. In the first incarnation of this post, I've almost forgotten to write about it here! Arkham's Asylum is a fun game, and I managed to put a couple of hours into it, but well, time is starting to go a little crazy here, so the next playthrough will be a while.

As for my traditional gift to myself, I got myself a nice nyan cat perler. Why a nyan cat perler of all things? Mostly because it is cute and lively looking. I put up the perler on the wall directly in front of me at home, and it serves as a nice colourful motivation to help me relax a little, acting in many ways like the role that the soy bean plushie that my other sister gave me on my previous birthday.

All in all, the celebrations were of a more tight and simple setting, just the way that I like it. Never was really a fan of elaborate procedures and stuff, so the get-together and the gifts of YT and myself were a good enough conclusion to the one day in this year that I can really and honestly take a day off just because I can.

Fading into the Darkness

I think... that time has never been on my side. I have known this for a while now, but I think I have been living in denial for a little too long. Running, hiding, trying to escape the inevitable.

The time to confront it is now.

The time for change... is now.

It's time to discard that fake-happy side of me and sink back to that morose persona that had served me pretty well for quite a long time, until that weird day that I decided that I was better off being happy.

If ignorance truly is bliss, then let me be as melancholic as possible so that I remain un-ignorant. It is when we realise that we don't know anything, have a looming deadline to get things done, and the realisation that life will never ever be the same again that we step out of that safe zone and get things done.

In view of what I just said, it means that my overall web presence is going to shrink significantly. No, I'm not suicidal, I'm not going crazy [yet]. I think that I have to forgo what is effectively a normal life to succeed at this---there is no other way.

Wish me luck and skill, and hopefully I will prevail.

To the few who still care about me, keep in touch with email. That ancient technology works wonders since it allows a batch processing and doesn't demand any instantaneous response, qualities that I think are most apt at this point. Hell, even leaving a comment or two on my blog entries will work too, since their existence is made known to me via email anyway.

Alright, enough of drivel. Time to hit the grindstone. Hard.

No pain, no gain.

Pre-sleep Rambles

Alright, now that I am feeling sufficiently light-headed from reaching that partially awake/asleep state, it is time for another round of automatic writing where I end up ranting whatever that comes to mind without actually trying to preprocess of censor it [much].

It has been a strange fortnight. Even though there are no classes, there's always research to be done, where I spent my time reading up papers, trying to think, writing down my thoughts on the papers, writing down thoughts on what I have seen, wondering about the problem we are solving, wondering about its relevance, wondering about how I can get some tangible results as opposed to a lot of theoretical idea slinging, wondering if I have been working too hard but not smart enough, wondering about my own abilities as a research apprentice. So many ponderings, it is no wonder that I end up in this semi-zombified state where I just sleep late, wake up early, and am generally having a helluva screwed up sleep schedule, among other things.

Geocaching has been fun, cathartic in fact, more so since there hasn't been any jujitsu training for a while due to the horrible hours of the gyms that we go to to train in, and partly because, well, this being the US, the time period from Dec 23 to Jan 02 are traditionally time periods where people would go for their extended holidays or something. Geocaching allows me to get some of the rather limited sunlight, and of course, makes me use all those muscles, from my core down to the calf muscles from all the hiking and climbing that inevitably comes with these.

It's kinda odd to realise that in another two weeks, the next semester would have begun, and the entire rat race cycle will begin all over again. I am uncertain if... well I zoned out there and lost the train of thought. This probably shoes how sleep-deprived I am feeling heheh.

Alright, enough of the autowriting---it's starting to make less sense now that my cognition of the events are clearly starting to be dissociate from the general sleepiness I am experiencing.