Do nice guys really finish last?

Something to ponder about: do nice guys really finish last? And a more relevant question: am I a nice guy? And the natural link: do I then finish last if I am a nice guy?

I've always thought of myself as being a nice guy. I don't really like to pick fights with people, and generally behave myself, and not impose my will on others simply because I can. I do, however, impose my will on others only when I know for a fact that they'd be hurting themselves if I do not interfere. I usually treat folks with respect, unless they've done something despicable that they do not deserve any respect of any sorts.

The latest turmoil in my life seems to suggest that the world doesn't really like nice guys.

Perhaps it is time to rethink how I want to present myself to the world... the façade that everyone sees. Maybe I'm too good for my own good, maybe I should just succumb to the darkest side within me and let it spew forth its innate poison.

Or maybe I'm just over-thinking things again.

Sometimes, I feel that I'm getting too old too quickly, hereby missing out on all the fun that people of my age group usually have. Girls/women don't seem to overly excite me the way that they usually do on guys; I can attest to that through the many [really good-looking and smart] girls whom I am friends with. Alcohol doesn't have much allure to me either; I can drink beer and stuff but don't really like them as a normal beverage. I seem to derive much pleasure through talking, writing and exchanging ideas.

Sometimes, I wish that I were less of an intellectual and more of a "normal" base human, such that the satisfaction of primal urges are all that takes to make me happy. But I know that it cannot be the case anymore; I've progressed too deep into the intellectual pursuit to actually step down and act all base again. It is almost as though I have arrived at a pseudo-enlightenment process, where I start to see beyond what the meat mind has to offer.

Intellectual... probably the word that kills me off. Computer geek and intellectual; it seems that it was purely miraculous that I even managed to go out with Alice at all. While it still hurts some that she has broken-up with me, I know that perhaps it was destiny's way of telling us that it was not the right time. Two hearts were supposed to beat as one, but with one locked away in a lead box and the other beating on the lid desperately, it seemed that nothing good would ever come out of it. I'm not blaming anyone—it is easy to lay blame on people, but hard to really determine the cause and effect of the whole situation. I'm just resigned to the fact that it is over as quickly as it came, and am resigned to the fact that perhaps my destiny in this life is to not be able to find one who is my true love.

Fate and destiny... are they real, or are they just abstractions to better soothe many a broken-hearted fella? I have no way of telling. But what I do know is that beyond the realm that we live in, there is always that possibility that there exists some other plane of existence that we have no way of understanding or exploring. We are only mortals living out our short lives on this planet, and while we advance the knowledge of huamnkind at an exponential rate, our true understanding of things grows roughly linear.

My heart... whatever is left of my heart... is now cold. Cold with sadness, cold with pain, cold with what could have been, cold with what is to come. I think all the effort that I have taken to change myself to become more human is going to a waste if... if I let myself just die because of all these. I know I will eventually be strong enough to again have that stout heart that was me, but for now, I'm just one of the many cold and lonely intellectuals that plow this planet.

It is only at the wee hours of the morning that I actually can unlock some part of my hidden-away soul... and be somewhat true to myself, and to the people around me...