This is a Misnomer

It is really strange, that work can be the healing salve for the broken hearted. A dream has ended, and another one is about to begin. Life seems to be made up of endless dreams, each one rudely transiting to the next. I wonder when will all these dreams finally become the reality that I seek, or will it all end up as being an endless maze of twisting and turning alternate realities that push me ever closer to the edge of what defines me to be me.

Am I still sane? I haven't a clue anymore; sanity seems to be among the last things that I actually know about now. With each passing day, it seems that I'm starting to just live it through like how a zombie runs through its life each day, without purpose or meaning.

At least I am still alive. Zombies are animated, but they do not live. I love, hence I live.

So some things weren't meant to be, but I guess what matters is not the permanence of it all, but the fact that once had a hold on it before. This is nicely summed up as 不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有。 As I said, a dream has ended, another one is about to begin, it is indeed time to move on; no sense wallowing my life away, eh?

I am contented, in a way, to know that I had loved and been loved. It is an inexplicable feeling, something that I think only those who had it before will understand. While I feel sad inside about the possiblities that didn't come true, I feel sort of happy that I managed to make some progress before it fell apart. Matters of the heart can be quite hard to contemplate and understand, for most of the time, they cannot be understood using pure rational thought. If love were rational, it would be composed of integer pai—lno I mean, if love were rational, then there won't be so many complications that arise in the world that are related to this little understood facet of life. There is a little more to this episode in my life than what I am letting out, but I don't think that it is necessary to say it here, just know that there is more than what I'm saying...

If one believes in the theory of karma, then it can be said that perhaps in this life, a karmic lesson that I might need to learn is how to love and how to be loved. It could be that in a previous life, I was one who could command as many lovers as possible and know not the true meaning of loving and being loved, and that in this life, some divine aspect decided it was time for me to learn of how love really operates. Of course, this is just one of the many ways of viewing things, it is definitely not the only way, but it can be one way of explaining certain things which our good old stalwart friend science cannot prove nor explain.

Speaking of karmic lessons, it seems that I could sense something bad was about to happen almost a full week before it was due. Remember the past entries up to yesterday? Apart from the social critique pieces that transformed into rants of sorts, there were also personal stuff and afflictions that were interspersed in between. Besides, I felt really rotten over the course of the whole week, another indicator perhaps that something bad was about to happen.

*sighs*

Life goes on, with or without you. Life will always have a way to go on. Since it was an amicable break-up with no hard feelings, I think I'll survive well enough for this one. And if you (the reader) decide to send me condolences or lines of "I'm sorry", save it hahahaha... It's not the end of the world, just the end of a dream.

I guess my sister is right. It is always better to have one more friend than losing one.

On another note, I'm starting to get used to the staff notation through the playing of flute pieces. The flute is excellent for this little exercise, since it is played exactly as it is written, unlike the saxophone and clarinet (which I will still play, but more as improvisational instruments than anything else) which use a transposed system so simple major keys end up looking really odd for those instruments. Currently am messing with something simple, El Condor Pasa in C Major and (Where Do I Begin) Love Story in F Major. Heheheheh... don't laugh at me man, one needs to start from somewhere. Damn, if I showed you what I can play with my 笛子, I figure you probably won't be laughing as hard as you would.

So, that's roughly what my life is at the moment, a little sad, a little wistful, a little bittersweet, a little forward looking, a little contemplative, and a little messed up. But hey, I'm still alive and am intent on keeping myself that way. What doesn't kill you, just makes you stronger.

At least, for now...