SMS Musing #11

While hanging out at my favourite bar and looking over at a neighbouring table and seeing a cute female:

At some fundamental level, I need to ask myself: do I just have really bad taste in women. Or more fundamentally, am I sufficiently untrained in the arts of choosing a mate for life, no thanks to the policies of school (I'm staring at you, RVHS with your "no BGR" nonsense), my bad skin in general, my spending of my so-called prime dating years studying overseas under the spectre of over-achievement (I'm staring at you, A*STAR for that 3.8 GPA requirement). The women that attracts me the most (and are attracted to me.in return) are abnormal in their own ways---either they really aren't into starting some kind of family, or are otherwise "pre-occupied" with other aspects of life.

I'm not going to lie; I'm not even sure it was actually worth it ti be on that scholarship that I was to study abroad and then return with a useless Masters degree. What's the point of studying so much and so hard if in the end, all I'm looking at is being exploited by people for not even the value of all the training that I've been through, without any sort of happiness.

It would seem that all that study and training has brought me nothing but angst, doubt, and bitterness, with a severely under-developed sense of the humanising self. I mean, I started with low attraction to women, but as the years go by, I am getting ever less attracted to them. It's not that I've "gone to bat for the opposite team", but that the foibles and failings of mortal humans in general, and the repeated demonstration of misplaced trust in people has made me super wary of wanting to start yet another [serious] relationship.

I pray weakly to God to guide me in terms of this. But frankly, as this sabbatical goes on, I am increasingly convinced that there is probably no other human female that is worthy enough of my trust, loyalty, faith, and love.

Sure, I might miss out on the sex, but is it really a loss? Maybe I might miss out on the companionship, but isn't a God-centric life supposed to ameliorate that?