SMS Musing #9

Something that cropped up after I completed my morning exercise routine:

Ah, that funny feeling that one gets when one sees something cool/interesting, and want to share it with a significant other who is one's best friend for a good laugh together, only to realise that there is no more significant other and that she has cut ties and is probably not even a friend now, let alone a best one. And then that sad realisation hits when one racks one's brain to find someone else of a similar wavelength to share it with, and the list is empty, leaving behind a discovery and moment that goes away into the dump pit that no one will ever want to revisit on a good day.

I think that is probably what hurts the most after a break-up, that sudden need to re-learn (and remember) to just talk to oneself, instead of having a default person to share the thoughts with. It's been almost a year, but I still have these uh-oh moments.

Weird relationship pain never really goes away---its emotional impact just gets diluted over time and through reframing of the reality that provides all the context. The habits that can cause such pain need time to be unlearnt, and while I am definitely in a much better place than six months ago, it's still a long way to recovery.

My daily fear is if the recovery becomes too good that I end up shutting my heart forever. But I trust that God will show a way for me. I am alone, but I am not exactly lonely, since I still have my parents, some friends (who are slowly getting more distant), myself. But most importantly, I have a new and forever friend who will never destroy me the way other mortal people can---Jesus. However, me being still stuck in the flesh body means that there are times where I just lose my composure a bit and get lost in self-wallowing, but thankfully these episodes are getting less common, and more importantly, shorter in duration and thus lower in overall impact.