Reminiscince

These days, I think I'm probably scaring a lot of people. Many times, people ask me if I am sad, and I ask them in return ``do I look sad to you?'' and then many times they reply ``well I don't really know, you look kinda okay'' before I follow up with ``well, I'm always sad, it is just a matter of degree''.

So I'm not actually lying about that---I am always sad; and it is just a matter of degree. Many people like to think that if someone is smiling a lot and is very jovial, then the person is probably not sad at all. That, as many have grown to realise eventually, is a sham. In fact, those who look the most jovial, laugh the most readily and appear to be the most happy need to have more scrutiny---often times they might be hiding some deep sadness that they are unwilling to talk to anyone about.

The trick into seeing these people is through the eyes---the eyes show it all, whether you are happy or sad. Ever heard of the phrase ``smiling with your eyes''? Well that is exactly what I am referring to.

So, sure, I might joke a lot, be awkward, laugh readily, be snappy with people and generally exude a certain sense of well-being. But if you actually took the time to look deep enough into my eyes, you will find that there is a very deep pain and sadness within. What this pain and sadness is is clearly not something that I want to talk about---suffice to say, it is related to life and life in general. Heh... maybe this is related to why I don't fear very many things, including death.

So, me. Was I ever happy? Well... yes, here and there, but overall, I think that sadness dominates my personality. I will smile a lot, I can be as crazy as the next guy, but if you lock me in a room and gave me strong liquor to knock me out, all you'll find is just a very sad looking drunk [who writes essays].

The next logical question will be, what makes me happy? I think that the answer to this is rather straightforward (and it might sound a little desperate, but whatever)---I am happy when I am doing things for the one I love. Sappy? Yeah, probably, but I don't really care all that much. I've been pretty much a walking husk since I turned 20, yet in between those years I have learnt what being human is all about, and have been nourished by all the possible human emotions that one can experience, from euphoria to caution to being concerned and to being contented---I have met with all of them at some time or another.

Heh... I'm still quite human after all.

But I guess all that I can do now is to wait it out and do things that are actually productive---this has something to do with how the entire schedule for the upcoming 6 years are going to be rather hellish.

Okay, enough of weightier issues... till next time.

Semi-Serious Rambling

It has been a rather long day, fraught with many last minute changes in schedules. But all that is said and done, I find myself sitting around quietly once more, sinking deeper into the consciousness that is me.

This is a rather strange feeling---to be able to just sink deep and feel the sensuality of feeling simultaneously from all the active senses that I have. From the visual (looking at the screen), to the aural (the soft click-clack of the scissor-keys), to the tactile (the soft breeze from the ventilator), and to the olfactory (the sweet smell of summer sweat lingering), I can feel them all with ease---it is almost as though I am aware of all these extensions that make up my body.

One of the things that I have grown to realise and appreciate is that I seem to know my body much better than before. For instance, I can now decide without trying what my body is capable/incapable of doing. I am also learning to have a better feel on where my head is positioned, so that I can easily dodge my head without causing too big of a movement, which can harm the already fragile neck.

But sensualities aside, the one thing that I seem to have cultivated over the years is the strange air of detachment. It is an oxymoron no doubt---how can I be both immersed within myself and be detached at the same time? But like many things in life, this one has a straightforward answer---I just let the signals from the senses flow through my being without attempting to make sense of them. This is a rather interesting concept though, since for most people, when they sense something, it is more often than not that they try to assign some meaning to the feeling, and even to ``process'' the signal as quickly as they can so that they can always be immersive in the world.

That's where I start to differ from the normal person.

You see, I've never really felt at one with the world in the sense that I feel belonged. It didn't begin this way of course and is a phenomenon that is of a more recent vintage if I dare say. Life, with all its ups and downs, have made me walk around this Earth as an avatar, walking close to other people, but never walking with them. Now that Ida has officially broken up with me (and for a good enough time too I might add), I think that it is safe enough for me to reveal the revelation that I had.

I have known almost 4 months earlier today that we were heading for a break-up. I just chose to not believe it.

How I know about this is beyond my reasoning---call it a gut reaction. Somehow I could sense the drift earlier on---the preternatural ease in which I can sense bad events is a trait that I have mostly kept tucked away until now.

Perhaps I am truly an avatar, a kind of supernatural being walking within the mortal realm, with a natural draw for both the miraculous and the condemned, and that somehow establishes some kind of cosmic balance that is beyond the level of human comprehension. Of course, it is also equally likely that I'm just a nut job and all that is said and done are just a bunch of coincidences.

Yet again I digress... it was a good thing that we broke up the time we did. At the very least, I managed to purge all the negative emotions out of myself within the early stages of my work (and also preparation for the next phase of my career/life), and to perhaps seal away the broken heart inside somewhere safe so that it can heal over more completely and be ready to accept the true love that might come its way again. But that is the future, and clairvoyance I have not.

So who am I actually? I cannot give a straightforward answer. I am who I am, I am not who I appear to be, and I am not who I think I might be. How does the future hold for me? Again, I appeal to the lack of clairvoyance, but the future is not bleak---there is much work to be done and much good to perform; it is in some senses a blessing to move onward without emotional baggages weighing one down.

That all said and done, the reason why I was feeling really down in the period succeeding the break-up is that the feeling felt then was not of a girlfriend breaking up with a boyfriend---it felt more like a wife of many years divorcing the husband, despite him being faithful and caring for her. That is the depth of my love for Ida, that is how much she affects me, both good and not-so-good. How about now, one might ask; how do I feel now and why do I seem a little calmer? I have not forgotten about Ida---far from it, I remember her even more. But the things I remember have the meanings changed over time to lessen the blows and the amount of effect they have on my affect. Indeed, one of the remedies of a break-up that is available in lore is to cast everything that reminds one of the other away so as to start afresh---I choose to learn to face things that remind me of her head-on so that I will actually end up dealing with the blow dealt instead of just denying myself the proper grieving.

Again, I digress.

Future huh... I've given my predictions. On the subject of my love life, I am not going to think too much about it---once one hits 25 years old (which I will be in nearly 5 more months) and is still unattached, chances are there will be little hope left about the love life anyway, so I might as well concentrate on doing things that I can still do. More pertinently, given the volatility of the macro-state-of-affairs, it is unlikely that any relationship begun here will lead to fruition; a similar argument can be made about when I'm not in Singapore.

So at the end of the day, I suppose that it is into the hands of Fate that will see if I end up settling down in this life or not.

Really Random Musings of a Drunken Geek

So not too long ago, there was a drinking session, and for the first time in my life, I got pretty damn drunk. Strangely, instead of acting like a ``normal'' drunk (being violent, passing out completely, being lecherous etc), I ended up ``looking really sad'' and taking out my pen and notepad and write a lot. The last I remembered, I was puking from downing the Graveyard, and needed help home.

So the ten-dollar question is: what the heck did I write while drunk?

Here's a transcription of what I could make out from the [foul smelling] manuscripts. The transcriptions will be by the ``page number'', and each line here corresponds to a physical line of text. Editor remarks are [as usual] stored in square brackets. Here we go:

Page 1

        It has been a while since I
was so drunk. In some ways it is a
a good response---at the very least, it
allows me to write things that I would not
otherwise.
        The music is playing loud, a
not altogether bad experience. Somet[imes]
I think that being drunk has it[s]
purpose---it allows the innermost
feelings show with little inhibitions.
        It is kind of sad in some way [that]
I cannot be drunk like a normal person
when I am severely trying[?], I end up
very [ed: garbled] and in some ways
[ed: garbled]. There are many things to do
yet I realise that the amount of control
over myself is fast diminishing. I[n]
some ways, this is rather sad since
even I'm seemingly drunk, I can
write some stuff.
        Life sucks[?] ass[?] in some ways.[?] There[?]
are so many things that the[?] self[?] have[?]
little control over. It is rather sad
actually to be writing While one is
[some]what drunk is probably one of the sad[dest]
things to do, considering everything.[?]
At[?] the[?] very least I am in control[?]
over my faculties left of[?] what[?] is[?] probably[?]
timed[?] as almost 15 to 20 minutes of
writing[?] nicely[?]. The day is long and[?]
the future is bleak[?] is[?] luscal[?], it is

Page 2

to determine if what I'm writing
is remotely coherent or even readable.
The downing of the graveyard in one
shot seems to be the big mistake, [ed: ink blotch]
I find myself unable to control my
impulses as readily as I want to.
        This is not a good evening.
Eventually, I will [ed: garbled]
to the alcohol what that [ed: garbled] is not
[ed: garbled]. I will faglth[?] to, and with,
eventually.
        It is all about being able to
purge the alcohol then the body it will
take a while, but I will be fine.
        I must be fine---I'm controlling
all the input and output. I will be fine.
Taking the alcohol[?] will be fine.
        I can take it. It is just a while.
I will be fine. Do not touch me.
Writing. Writing is all that is left
of this consciousness. Apparently I
can[?] still[?] think somewhat. Things are
[ed: garbled] writing[?] writing[?]. It seems
that my pants may have
got hit by one of the
throw up. This is sad
is sad in some way
is quite sad but true[?]. It
them[?]. I am fine I think[?]. This is just
a way towards the end
of[?] all[?] the sadness[?] and at[?] this[?]
particular[?] instance[?] the[?] end[?].

Page 3

        If the outcome is all about what
one makes of the future[?], the people
seem rather unrelenting in that [ed: missing]
writing but at times, stays the [ed: missing]
[ed: garbled] I want to talk. This
is true---there's just so
many things that I want[?] to
think about. The crowd [ed: garbled]
it is in some sense true[?] about[?]
things---many[?] of the meets[?]
eye[?] and[?] the discomfort of[?] becoming[?]
a few of sad[?] ending[?] but [ed: garbled]
in reality, it is a new beginning [ed: garbled]
a beginning where I will quickly
forget about what it is[?] I
truly[?] want to be able to know[?]
what I hear---it is [ed: garbled] is more
sense to be able to completely work[?]
is something that I have[?] thought[?]
I would be able[?] to do.
        Moreover---at the end of the day
even after downing the graveyard
of [ed: garbled] remembered the end is almost[?] in
sight[?]---the content of the alcohol[?]
is naturally stronger[?] that I have
little[?] ideas for[?] how much
alcohol that is in the graveyard. At
the very least I think that I am
rather sober[?] at the moment---that[?] was[?]
of more of the alcohol to [ed: garbled]
I can say something that is a little more

Page 4

coherent this point is true,
all that I want to do is just to
go sleep---the graveyard is a rather
strong drink no matter how you look
at it. Eventually, I will have to wake
up from this dream and get away so
that I can get the things I
want.
        It is noisy in here---it is
quite intolerable. I should have just
gone home a long time ago.

So you might ask, why no pictures of the manuscript? And I will answer, because it is rather useless to put them up---they are unreadable, that's why the transcripts exist.

Alright, enough for now. Now I know that I make a really boring drunk.

Geez...

End of Conference Week

Sometimes I look back and reflect upon my actions both big and small---this occurs regularly, particularly when I have little on my mind. In the past, I would be rather hard upon myself and end up thinking that I have screwed up big time ever since the past, and that often leaves me in a rather depressed state.

Time passed and with each new experience I gain from the many facets of life, I slowly learn to ease a little on myself. I mean, sure, there are some things that I could have done differently, but then again there're so many insights that can be gleaned with the benefit of hindsight. Being hard on oneself is sometimes useful, since it forces the self to actually actively seek improvement to prevent reoccurrences of mistakes, but like many things in life, being overly hard on the self is actually detrimental, since one becomes obsessed with the what-ifs and end up forgetting about living in the present and planning for the future.

Part of my character flaw is that I do tend to brood a lot. Ever since Ida left me, I have started to brood less over time, starting from the completely heartbroken phase initially to something that is still sad, but not so sad that I am completely unable to function at all. Perhaps the most apt adjective here is ``resigned''---I am resigned with the outcome that there is little that I can do right now to recover what was lost, and that I have realised in some ways that I need to find a new meaning in life just to move on.

Today was kind of fun. It is the last day of the EMNLP 2009, which occurred after the ACL-IJCNLP 2009, which are conferences for the natural language processing and computing linguistics community. For the whole week, I was basically running around from talk to talk, listening to what that foremost researchers have found out and have shared with the world. By Wednesday though, I was feeling rather drained, and so it felt really great that today was the last day of the conferences. I learnt much, for sure, and basically round up the day with a meeting of the old classmates.

Like most class outings, it was mildly awkward in the beginning, since the cliques basically sealed the earlier interactions among folks. It was great to see them though---it has been a while since I have met many of my old classmates. But of course, those who basically liked treating me invisible continued to keep me invisible, which is fine with me even though I might think that the action was rather petty. It is rather hard to believe that the folks I saw tonight were part of the same class back in 2002---everyone seemed to be much older, yet there were still traces of the old character trait that lies just below the surface of the skin. But I digress...

Perhaps I can write more again some other time.

I Do Not Fear Once More

No matter what they say, I think that at the end of it all, it is really hard to truly get over someone whom you have spent a good portion of your life, energy and focus on---as humans, we are conditioned to behave in this way. I suppose that is how we end up in families and societies in the first place.

So many things have happened so far---as each moment passes, I find that I just live through it in a rather soulless way. I honestly do not know how to feel anymore, and have probably gotten to the point where I am just resigned to my fate, perhaps?

Interesting though, how I am reacting now. I basically started this post feeling extremely depressed, yet as I write more and more, I find that there is a certain uplifting feeling that is overcoming that depression. This feeling---it is strong, it is positive.

I do not fear once more.

I'll probably talk more later.

Mental Monologue [Sort of]

Secretly, I use IRC channels as a means of keeping time. I suppose that's one of the reasons why I was on #cslounge a lot; partially it was for the company, partially because it helped to keep the time. So in that sense, even though I'm not on #cslounge for now, I still hang out on some other IRC channel just to get some news (and pretty scrolling text when the words come fast and furious!) and also the time.

So, where was I? Well, this writing is going to be very rambling, since I don't really have a set idea to talk about---I'm just doing one of those ``free association'' things that Freud used to champion about. Somehow I feel a certain sense of calm within me; I think that it is mildly odd, to say the least, since not too long ago I was still in a rather disquiet mood. Yet today I find some semblence of serenity within me---is this the proverbial ``eye of the storm'', where beyond the level in which I currently exist lies yet another tumultuous time?

Tsk tsk... strange thoughts about the future creep upon me again.

But then again, must there be a rough time after every calm? Similarly, must every calm be followed by a rough time? What makes a person feel discomforted, what makes a person feel at ease? Do different people have different notions of comfort? Is life all about living, or is it about living good, or worse, is it about living a most decadent form?

Rebirth, cycle of life. Looking forwards, reflecting upon the past. Confusing juxtaposed emotions sealed by the eerie calm of the rational. Hmm... that last idea seems rather conceivable, that within the supposed calm that I am exhibiting, there lies the confused emotions that have been draining me of my energy for the entire time.

But emotions and emotive content, do they really matter at all? Is happiness something truly to be desired? Can the happiness found truly be eternal? What is eternal? Does there exist everlasting love? Is everlasting happiness a myth? Is suffering the only path to salvation? What salvation is there? What salvation are we talking about? Are we more interested in this life, or the next?

Pfft... so many questions. I know that many of them sound like rehashes of each other, but sue me. Sometimes it is hard to not think about questions like this, yet at others, the very nature of the questions seem to make up the essence of the underlying structure that begets the situation.

Alright, I suppose I'm starting to not make any sense anymore. But... whatever... I suppose? Life is strange on so many levels; maybe there is some other way of looking at it that I have not figured out yet.

Maybe some day I can figure things out better...

Hugs

So, while I look at the currently seemingly broken ``new post'' page of Blogger and typing out this line, I wonder: have I really hit rock bottom this time? If I have truly hit rock bottom, then this is probably the first time ever that I am so utterly defeated in something that I had done.

I am sort of past the stage where I can actually justify/rationalise/explain away why I am behaving the way I am. At this point, what I need the most is probably not some one to talk to, but just someone to hold on to for a little while just to feel that special human touch that words don't seem to be able to put together well.

Unfortunately, finding someone who is willing to give me a hug is neigh impossible where I am now, all because of stupid societal ``conventions''.

I am a big fan of hugs---I don't believe that there is anything more comforting than a hug when someone is down. It doesn't matter what gender the person giving the hug is---as long as it is a hug, it is something wonderful and magical that always help the person being hugged, reminding him/her that things are probably not so bad. In many senses, a hug is representative of the lowering of the guard, the literal welcoming of someone into one's arms to show that one is a friend, and the most direct way of demonstrating support and care for someone.

Yet, stupid societal ``conventions'' deny the expression of such a basic human emotion in my current location.

Contrary to popular belief, hugs need not convey any form of sexual interest at all. More generally, there are at least two types of hugs, namely the full-contact hug which includes having most of the two participants' bellies touching, and the half-contact hug, where it is only the upper torso of the participants are in contact. Obviously, full-contact hugs are reserved for very intimate encounters, and this is the hug that everyone seems to be thinking of when the unqualified term is used. Yet that is not the most useful hug by a large degree---the half-contact one is infinitely more useful. It is friendly yet unsexual---there is closeness yet intimacy is not hinted upon. In short, it is a nice way of showing that one cares for another person (probably a friend) without planting the ``wrong ideas'' in the other person's head.

Of course being the cynic I am, I tend to criticise society for denying me and many others of the chance to have a nice hug to calm oneself down. But there is most certainly another way to look at it---I am too weak to be able to stand against emotional blows without resorting to support through hugs. This is also obviously the defeatist perspective that dominates my soul at the moment, something that I cannot easily shake away like that.

So, in view of what I have said here, if you are a friend of mine who happen to see me walking around, please don't hesitate to just walk up to me and give me a hug, and help me remind my rational self that the world is still revolving, and the end is not here yet, and there is much to be done, and that moping around is not going to help. A hug is all it takes---you don't need to go searching for the right words to say---I will understand perfectly when you give me that hug.

Until next time.

Pathetic

Pathetic. The worst form of pathetic.

That is the only form of description that I have for myself. Why am I still sore over what has happened? Why am I still so annoyed at things? Why do I still feel so uncomfortable?

More importantly, why am I angry with myself?

The only answer to these is just the simple word of ``pathetic''---the all encompassing derogatory word that fully describes what I have become. The loss of a love ended with the consequent loss of a spine, which further led to the whole wallow-in-self-pity phase that I seem to currently be in.

Yesterday was an interesting Friday; I met up with some of my old class mates. The evening passed by innocently enough, with the usual banter that is expected from a self-proclaimed eccentric. Yet as the night wore on, and the company filtering down to only a fraction of what we originally began with, the most innocent of questions triggered the most intense denial and detachment that I have ever experienced.

Pathetic indeed.

She's not here anymore, not in person, not even in spirit. I mean nothing to her now---she might say that we are still friends, but personally I think that the mere thought that we are still friends at this stage is just wishful thinking---I have not gotten over her completely yet. Yet despite her conspicuous absence, why does she still have so much power and influence over my psyche, if not for the fact that I am being pathetic?

In some senses, being with her was among the happiest moments in my life, yet now I find that the very things that helped me pass my life happier then were rapidly being robbed from me. Already I find myself stifled in #cslounge, with her appearing ever so often and trying to be ``in the crowd'' of the misfits; and then there is the Facebook, which essentially plastered my home page with ``news feeds'' of her conversations with many of those friends that I introduced her to, and not to mention all the image/picture tags of her having fun with these same people, people whom she would not have talked to were it not through my introduction.

Needless to say, I tried hiding as many of these ``news feeds'' as much as possible. And I have actually given up on #cslounge---there's no point in trying to reclaim what was my original haunting ground, since it's probably more true that she will have more need to talk to those people than I do. The truth is, I've never really felt close to anyone, even having lived for more than 2 decades.

So utterly pathetic and useless as a human.

And of course, there are other things to worry about, like the fact that there is the off-chance that my plans go awry, and might not be able to enter graduate school as desired. But I suppose at the very least, I can still plan exigencies for these situations better than other things.

Oh, and I talked to Ida recently, and was pathetic enough to tell her that I wanted her back. I suppose nothing else can top the list of pathetic actions that I have taken so far.

This world is starting to lose its colour---the more I stay in it, the more I find that it has descended into an amorphous blob of greys. I see people walking past me, walking next to me, yet I do not feel that anyone truly wants to walk with me. Sure, I might have one or two close friends, but some day even they will get tired of my patheticalness and choose to carry on leading their own lives away from mine.

Divergence in life path is something that I accept as the eventual outcome from most of life's interactions.

Perhaps being tethered to another person emotionally is not something that I was designed or equipped to do---things always seem to go wrong at the worst possible time. Maybe part of the reason is the whole timing issue. Sadu asked me last night, when is my next ``hunting season'' beginning. And the only answer I gave him was, not for a long time.

Such a pathetic reply, almost expected from a pathetic person like me.

Time

The strange thing about confronting one's issues is that while the confrontation itself might be very painful in the beginning, in the long run, perhaps it will actually be a good thing for oneself. Here's how I look at it---if I never confront my fears to actually decide once and for all how screwy my perceptions are on the perceived fears, there is no way of knowing if the fears are warranted or not. In this case, I am referring to the various aspects of my life that are sort of falling apart as time goes by. Part of the reason why I am having some trouble here and there with regards to how exactly to feel could be that I didn't really choose to confront what was causing me all the grief---the moment I started to confront them one by one and take an active step forward towards better understanding what is going on, and also to determine the best cause of action, I start to feel less stressed out. In fact, I can even claim that I actually become more calm due to the relieving aspects of being able to talk through to see what is going on.

So, sure, life sucks, the sky is falling, the ground shakes too much, I'm dirt broke and out of love. But at the very least, I am still standing on my own two feet solidly on the ground. It is a rough patch---I'm still struggling to get through, but I will pull through somehow.

I always will. I just need more time.

Winds

A lovely ballad:Actually, I was looking for this instead:Niice... More winds:

The Curse

If things were to have gone smoothly, today would have been the magical marker of 1.5 years of my relationship with Ida. Unfortunately, things didn't go that smoothly, and so I find myself sitting here wondering about the life, universe and everything associated with them.

It has been almost 3 weeks since I was dumped. It actually took me a while to decide what verb to use in the last sentence due to the various connotations and nuances that each word can project. I think I chose ``dump'' this time instead of the usual phrasing of ``break up'' because I think perhaps it is time to put things into a slightly more selfish perspective---maybe it is time that I start taking control of my life and asserting myself in a way that doesn't harm me anymore. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that I swing to the other extreme and become extremely self-centred and not care about other people or their feelings; I just mean that I should start caring about myself more instead of always caring for other people all the time.

Besides, wasn't I the one who said that ``the only person to go with you all the way to the end is yourself''?

So right. Back to where I was before I digressed into some odd grammatical/English thing. It has been three weeks since I was dumped. Do I feel resentment? Maybe, I think it is hard to be completely devoid of that particular feeling type, since as far as I know, I did not do anything wrong that warrant a break-up. Do I feel sad? Most definitely, though the emotional impact on me is starting to be reduced even as time goes by. However, this does not mean that I am actually on the mend or anything---these things take time, and while I am not curled up in a corner and crying to myself all the time, I still feel a certain sense of melancholy that permeates through my being. Hopefully in time, I will recover to a level that I am actually happy to live with, but for now, I suppose burying myself in work is the best thing that I can do.

Each time I close my eyes, I keep getting reminded about how Ida and I were like together. The sights, the smells, the feelings all wash over me. Sometimes I find myself just silently tearing up, even in public whenever this happens. It's saddening, but who would really care other than for me? Would Ida care about it if I told her that I still had feelings for her? I doubt it... since she was the one who initiated the break-up, and I just agreed with her [reluctantly] because I respected her wishes. But who is hurt here, eventually? I think there is this really deep chasm that has fissured between Ida and I after the break-up that is not easily dealt with by me (I don't know about her). Suddenly the familiar seems so alien, the close seems so aloof---I'm not even sure how best I should be dealing with this, or even how I should be talking to her now. Should I be cordial yet formal, or downright angry at what happened? Heh... I still don't know how best to feel in this instance.

One and a half years ago, we decided to go out together. That's where ``The Curse'' comes in. Now that things didn't work out well, I will always be remembering the fateful day that we made a decision to go out together, since it was on that time of the year that I knew but chose to ignore for the most part---my birthday. Yes, it is a curse because each time this day passes, I will be forced to remember the relationship that never was, the happiness that was fleeing, and the ensuing pain that I could never really release completely. Melodramatic? Perhaps... but somehow I foresee this happening every year from now on, for Ida was truly my first true love, a love that I gave out of my own volition, a love that I thought could bear fruit in the long run instead of the flings that people seem to like having these days.

Of course it wasn't meant to be... the stars have foretold that a long time ago. I'm just trying my luck to see if I can conquer the fate that I seem to be associated with. Turns out there's only a limit in which I can deviate from the life path that the stars have ordained. Occult belief at work here? Maybe... but isn't it natural for people to turn to the supernatural in times of distress where science and reason no longer offer the solace that one requires to keep one's sanity in the ever-changing environment of emotions?

So what next? That's a valid question that deserves an answer, for sure. I suppose that having any more [serious] relationships in the short term is going to be nothing but pain (and unfairness, since I'm probably not in the right state of mind to be pursuing a new relationship of any sort), so I'll probably not even try to go down that path. If Fate were to have it's way, someone interesting will surely drop into my life again, lead me on another wild-goose chase before dumping me, so I suppose that I shouldn't think too much about this. Work is definitely a must---there are many things that I need to deal with, and perhaps that will be the salve that heals the wounds that were so painfully inflicted by one whom I had entrusted my heart to axiomatically.

Que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. And I will live on with The Curse forever.

More Random Mumblings

Sometimes, I wonder what it is like to be an attractive person, to be able to attract people effortlessly, to be confident to flirt around a little, and perhaps get a few admirers. I mean, I've never really felt that I was remotely attractive by any degree, being cursed for most of my younger years with a rather obvious affliction of skin allergies with all the rash and peeling skin, and am now being cursed for being the ``weird'' one who just doesn't seem to conform to normal social behaviours and all. Having been called a ``monster'' once by a kid on the public transit system made a rather terrible imprint in my mind---maybe I was still traumatised by the whole event. So many things that have happened in the past that keeps haunting me this way.

Perhaps that is why when I end up in a relationship, I end up cherishing the moment a whole lot, because somehow I always seem to feel as though the relationship will be fleeting and thus disappear eventually.

It is not so much that I think that the relationships that I am in involve a lot of physical attraction attributes, it is more like I've never really thought that I would be attractive enough for anyone to be even remotely interested in having a relationship with me. Many times I feel rather misunderstood, yet there are times that even I think that I do not really understand myself. It is rather conflicting, to say the least; perhaps I am truly lacking quite a bit of the self-confidence with regards to my own personal happiness. Yes, yes, I am well aware that I'm starting to sound a little mushy/old-fashioned, but I suppose this is probably the best way of saying things.

I am not lacking in confidence, that's for sure---there are few things that I truly fear. I might be a little worried at my abilities from the professional perspective, but I know that I can pull through because I can. But when it comes to personal things like relationships, I am a completely different person. My fear knows no bounds, I think that I am weak, and I have little confidence in anything. All I know how to do, is to be a human who cares for other humans.

Heh. That of course didn't turn out well, since I am single once more.

So sometimes I wonder: what if I weren't the way I am, in the sense that instead of being as understanding as I can all the time, I am rather brutal and cruel some times, just to keep things in check and make things ``edgy''. Maybe that will change matters and fix what I perceive to be a character flaw in me? But am I just fooling myself? Do I really want to be someone like that? I've always prided myself on being conscientious and having a conscience, but if I were to fall down the trap as I described, am I not cheating myself completely then?

*sigh*

I think I'm digressing too far from whatever I wanted to try to say. Perhaps another time I will be able to say something a little more coherent.

Pelikan Souverän M400 Sample Scribbles

Here's something that I actually wrote the night before:

Heaven Knows

It is strange... that only at this moment in time I recall the song that best describes what I am feeling:And the obligatory lyrics, courtesy of www.lyricsdownload.com:

Heaven Knows——Rick Price
She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up,
Till I close my eyes.
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know.

And though she's so far away,
It just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on

So tell me, where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Chorus:

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
But only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope & pray
'Coz heaven knows.

My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her,
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in time
I'll know she's mine

But tell me, where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go

(Repeat Chorus except last line)

Bridge:

'Coz heaven knows
Why I live in despair
'Coz wide awake or dreamin',
I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave,
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so?

(Repeat Chorus)

Heaven knows... heaven knows.

Maybe another update later today.

Regression..?

I don't know what to feel anymore. I think I am strong, but things always seem to be going downhill when they were originally uphill. I keep making myself sad, even though I keep reminding myself to pick up the pieces and carry on. I keep contradicting myself: I want attention, yet I don't want attention.

What the hell is wrong with me?!

I appear happy, but I'm actually sad. I think I know what I am doing, but often times I don't. I muster energy, yet seem to lose them reallyh quickly.

Why? Why? Why?!

Why the sudden confused emotions?! Didn't I already had them under control by now? Why are things erupting like that? This is beyond my own comprehension...

Stress, perhaps? Thinking about too many things at the same time, with a couple of triggers thrown in for good measure? Realising that the world is horrid and my support network can be seen as the unbalanced tree of size 4? Realising that people are always next to me, but hardly close to me?

What's going on? What is wrong with me? Why am I suddenly regressing this quickly?

《爱上你是我一生的错》

I've been looking for this song for years, and I've finally found it. The video is nothing to look at, but the tune is very wistful. Related to current events? Not really, just wanted to put up yet another sad song.And here are the lyrics:

《爱上你是我一生的错》——曾庆瑜　
爱也走开
虽然你不愿再等待
我知道你的心
还有一点我的情

不要因为爱我
才离开我
不要再使我迷惑

风雨之中
我们的心
已经承受太多

他们说
爱上你是我一生的错
可是在爱上你以前
我又做对了什么
他们说
爱上你是我一生的错
在爱上你以前
我又做对了什么

Lyrics courtesy www.5inyinyue.com.

One Week On---I'm Still Alive [Barely]

A week... it is almost a week since I was dumped. How do I feel? How am I supposed to feel? Answers to these two questions are, unfortunately, unforthcoming.

It is weird when I think about it---just slightly more than a week ago, I was one of those many blissful couples, thinking that I have found The One. Yet now, I'm just a part of the multitude of singles out there trying to figure out what it means to be single once again, and how to actually pull oneself back together after such an intensive relationship.

Yes, it was intensive. In the lyrics of my previous post there's a line that loosely translates to ``should a relationship be had if it is short but intensive, or should it be had if there's a future in it''. I guess given my mantra in life of 不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有, I think that I might be tending towards the intensive kind.

But that makes me wonder. Must relationships be classified in only these two ways? Can't a relationship be both intensive and have a future at the same time?

I have no answers for that, unfortunately. The only heuristics that I have developed so far with regards to relationships are honesty and respect. Somehow I think that I might be too much of a pansy in this regard, but honestly, I do not really know.

One week on... the last time I had a break-up (again was dumped by a girl---does this mean I'm an inherent bad person and not know it?), it took me one whole week to get over it. But that was with the aid of copious amounts of booze and the fact that I was brutally vivisected during the dumping, the details of which have been mumbled about somewhere around here. This time round, however, I don't have copious amount of booze (nor do I actually want to drink that much, since it is after all bad for the liver), I don't have karaoke, and the break-up was not in bad faith.

All these just means that it is going to be much harder to get over.

But life goes on, doesn't it? Watching various anime at home seems to help put new perspectives on things, like how clutching to the past can cause a lot of pain to those around, especially if there's a special someone who is just around the corner waiting for you to drop that past and to move on (see this and this). My old observation seems to apply yet again, that relationships don't work out if at least one of the two parties is having serious doubts about his/her role. That is a major reason why Ida and I didn't work out, in case you were wondering.

So what now? Am I alright? Depends on what one means, I suppose. I'm still functioning, but will probably lay off the whole dating scene for a while to recover more fully---my definition of a full recovery will be that and thing that reminds me of Ida will evoke only fond memories and not the strange pangs of loss that strikes deep within the heart. So far, I'm still not completely immune to the pangs of loss, so it would be at least another week before I dare say that I am on the verge of recovery. But truth be told, our interactions thereafter might be rather awkward, since some residual resentment is likely to exist---we are human after all, and after giving in so much emotions (and thus making oneself vulnerable) and then suddenly not having anything left from it makes even the most forgiving person mildly resentful in some circumstances.

Heh... I am no angel. I have my down times, and I have my ``leave me the well alone'' times. Usually I joke [badly] with folks, and don't usually anger. But some times, there's no way around it and I just explode a la Krakatoa. But once again, I digress...

Right, back to the original question: what now? Here're some goals I hope to achieve in the meantime (in no order of priority):

• Lose 20kg (target BMI 22.9, current mass 85kg, ideal mass 68kg)
• Train more in Aikido
• Be a licensed driver
• Get into grad school
• Build a new computer for my mum (runs Xubuntu)
• Win NaNoWriMo
• Finish port of WriteThis 2.0
• Finish my IRC bot

I think that this is a magnificent list of things to keep myself occupied and not allow my mind to stray that much.

Alright, it is getting rather late even as I ramble on. Till next time.

《爱的进行式》

The recent events that are occurring in my life remind me of this song:I think that the song sums up my current feelings adequately, the kind of longing feeling that occurs immediately after a break-up, the lingering emotions that follow up in the days after the break-up, and the eventual emotions that occur after all that is done. Mm... seems like the old songs that I listen to have some meaning after all.

《爱的进行式》——陈淑桦

从相识到现在 从冷淡到关怀
从拒绝到依赖 从陌生到相爱
从深信到疑猜 从疼爱到伤害
从炫烂到苍白 从厮守到分开
从感动到感概 从体谅到责怪
从期待到无奈 从狂喜到悲哀

一段情宁愿短暂精彩
还是先去问他会不会有将来
一份爱如果消逝的太快
你可不可以当它是命运的安排

ALL THOSE LONELY NIGHTS
LONELY NIGHTS 多么难捱 爱过的人都明白
那种孤单的感觉到今天还在
OH LONELY NIGHTS
LONELY NIGHTS 心情多坏 爱过的人才明白
挥不去也甩开不是伤悲的情怀

抹不去的尘埃 抹不去的阴霾
你想你应不应该 拒他于千里之外
又舍不得现在 又不放心将来
如果只是害怕失败 那他究竟值不值得你爱

一段情宁愿短暂精彩
还是先去问他会不会有将来
一份爱如果消逝的太快
你可不可以当它是命运的安排

ALL THOSE LONELY NIGHTS
LONELY NIGHTS 多么难捱 爱过的人都明白
那种孤单的感觉到今天还在
OH LONELY NIGHTS
LONELY NIGHTS 心情多坏 爱过的人才明白
挥不去也甩开不是伤悲的情怀

你和他的梦还在 两颗心却依然徘徊
HO WHAT A LONELY NIGHT
HO WHAT A LONELY NIGHT
ALL THOSE LONELY NIGHTS

LONELY NIGHTS 多么难捱 爱过的人都明白
那种孤单的感觉到今天还在
OH LONELY NIGHTS
LONELY NIGHTS 心情多坏 爱过的人才明白
挥不去也甩开不是伤悲的情怀

ALL THOSE LONELY NIGHTS
LONELY NIGHTS 多么难捱 爱过的人都明白
那种孤单的感觉到今天还在
OH LONELY NIGHTS
LONELY NIGHTS 心情多坏 爱过的人才明白
挥不去也甩开不是伤悲的情怀

Lyrics courtesy of yymp3.com.

伤感后遗

好久没有这么说了——亚洲语言大多都会有一种比较轻切的感觉。最近的心情不佳，因为我又失恋了。这种感觉，仿佛从前有感受过，但这次又有一些不一样之处。当年的一段感情，只不过是当时一时的呜呼，是因为我们俩都有某某需要，也就这样谈上了一次的恋爱。这一回的恋爱，是有点儿不一样——我们俩之间有之重很亲切的默契。

因此，当她在网上交谈上对我说我们之间有很多不配的地方时，我一是傻了过去。

“不配的地方？”这是什么笑话嘛，走在一起的时间也有一年半之久，这竟然是她要和我分手的理由？我起初也是不肯相信，是她告诉我，只有我让她突然发现自己是可以爱上一个人的，也是她当时答应和我拍拖的，怎么突然有这一种反应呢？不可思议。

这是差不多四天前的事了。我已经哭到连眼泪也都不想出来了。分手近四天的日子，也是靠了酒精和朋友马马虎虎的这样过了。这么一段对我很有意义的感情，也随着时光一样静静地流去。可能使自己太过多情吧，认认真真地对待她，使得她无意中有了一种压力。或许是因为她的年纪还偏小，也就对这种认真的感情残深恐惧。跟可能是因为我们各分两地，各了一个太平洋，感情也就像地理一样，各分阴阳。

可能是上天的安排吧，我的前世可能做了一些在感情上不对的事，而就用今世来学会爱的美丽与苦。

爱情，它究竟是什么东西？为什么每次当我觉得已得到了真正的爱情时都会有不祥之事出现？难道这一生我是注定无法找到一个属于自己的爱人，创造一个属于自己的人间天堂吗？难道我这一生是注定单独而过的吗？

现在，女友没了；她虽然和我分手了，但我们在分手的时候答应保持联络，当对方的知己。表面上，这安排看起来还好；情人当不了就当朋友吧。但我对这一段感情的付出太多了，总觉得有些事是不可能那么容易的还原——说到底，我们曾经走得很近，曾经是彼此的世界。她在前天尝试和我在网上交谈上谈天。起初还好，但我们聊得很快就变成了一种吵闹。我尝试以平常心对待她，但情绪还没稳定，所以造成了反效果；没办法嘛，我还是个人，有感情未了，当然对前情人有一种无奈。

今天为星期一，感情也比以前好了许多。我前晚立下了对自己一个诺言，不可以酗酒消愁，感情以过，放弃的人也不是我，在乡下去也不是办法。与其沉迷于当时的快乐，不如为前途着想。我活了只有二十四年吧，最多还有十年的时间找到知心爱人，如果真得找不到，就算了，就说老天爷对我不公平吧，反正对我不利的事天天都有，都习惯了。

受了这么多，说了这么多，我也不知道自己因该怎么说，怎么想了。只愿未来会更好。

Summer Break-ups and Other Diversions

Summer---a season of heat, a season of recovery.

It is also a season of break-ups.

Having lived in Singapore for so long, I never really understood the concept of the summer break-up, a phenomenon where relationships inexplicably get terminated once the months reach the time period of between mid-May and mid-August. The most obvious reason is the relatively different schooling schedules that I underwent in the foundation education levels (and that I never really was involved in any form of human relationship that way), since the longest break that anyone has in Singapore in school standards less than college are at the end of the year, from mid-November to December.

So what causes summer break-ups? After some slight thought and reasoning, I think that there are a couple of major points behind the occurrence. The first of which is the concept of ``distance''---the lovers in question are physically more apart than they were originally so, like for instance in the case of college/university romances, where the students in the educational institution can come from all over the world (or in the case of the United States, all over the country). The second idea is that of the wearing off of the novelty factor. These two ideas are somewhat related, in the sense that the increase in distance causes a return to something that is more mundane than the exciting life of studying in the close proximity of folks who are of similar interests and age group. And under such mundane settings which are sometimes far from the people who are involved in the same relationship, the rush of being loved and/or loving starts to destabilise and then apathy starts kicking in, and in the more extreme case, the entire relationship ends up not working good enough and a break-up is an expected outcome.

------

Looks like I'm kinda doomed in human romantic relationships. Let's look at this analysis from three directions, namely time/location, intracultural dating, and extracultural dating.

From the perspective of time and location, I am boned. Here's why: I will be spending slightly more than ten years doing various forms of research, with time split between being in Singapore and being in a foreign country. That makes any form of romantic relationship hard to hold on to, especially since I do not have any of those ready-to-go-the-distance relationships at hand to reach that kind of level, i.e. that special someone who is willing to go the distance has not appeared in my life yet. Statistically speaking, it is extremely hard to find someone with that kind of level of commitment (a prerequisite since travel becomes a necessity in the decade described) in the current [short] amount of time of one year. There are just so many incalculable factors that cannot be understood and planned around, and not many people are risk-takers willing to put themselves out on the line just to see where they go (an action that I frequently use in my life).

From the perspective of intracultural dating, I am still boned. Here's why: many Singaporean girls do not appeal to me, for a variety of reasons that include the general materialistic perspective, and their relative selfishness in the way in which they conduct their relationships---everything is always about her and her alone. More importantly, I am not sufficiently appealing to many Singaporean females as a lover since I do not pander to their whims and fancies, am not handsome nor tall, talks about things that most people are generally uninterested in, and am not rich to boot. With such serious incompatibilities between me and the females that are immediately accessible within my society, I find that the likelihood that I can find anyone who is attracted to me (and of course, me attracted to them) is low. Complicating matters by considering the need for the long-term commitment as highlighted in the earlier point on time/location, the probability of finding someone who can match all these criteria decreases significantly.

From the perspective of extracultural dating, I am still boned. Here's why: there are many hidden cultural norms and mores that are not easy to be aware of as a foreigner---these unwritten social rules can only be enculturated after a few years of stay in the host country. In some ways I was a fool to have believed that I understood what was going on, as evidenced in my last two relationships. Thinking that I understand someone because she shares a similar hacker ethos was a point of folly on my part, making me oblivious to many things that were falling in front of me. Thinking that having a similar ethnicity with her would mean that I had a better understanding of her psyche was also a fatal mistake. Even trying to mitigate with guarantees of honesty did not help at all---honesty can only get you as far as knowing what a person is consciously thinking of, it cannot tell you the unconscious tendencies that have been ingrained through years of enculturation.

A fool in romance, a fool to the end.

So what do these all mean? Given these cursory analyses, what course of action ought one to do? The answer can be found in this.

That is, of course, what a rational mind would lead me to think for my circumstance.

But let's face it. Even though the answer is frustratingly obvious, I will probably be unable to tear myself away from it. The reason is that I am made up of more than just rationality---there's this entire side within me that that is not governed by my rationality, but by my intuition. Over the last few years, it is the growth of my intuitive side that made me aware of the fact that I had emotional reactions towards people, specifically towards folks of the opposite sex. It is a wonderful feeling, while it lasts. But when things do not turn out well, as they often do, the aftermath is rather hard to deal with. But herein lies the problem: rational thought stipulates that involvement in romantic relationships [within the next 10 years] is most certain to bring about sadness, yet intuitively, the mind and body yearns for that warm caress of another person who loves at a different level.

So, what ought I to do now?

Heheheh... if I could answer that, I think I would be on my way towards being a real life guru. I guess the more important thing is to take things one step at a time, and bury myself under as many activities as I can possibly want to do.

Some Clarification

Now that I'm nicely lubed up with alcohol in my blood stream and am bordering between being awake and tipsy (the best position to be in for the circumstance at hand), I am somewhat ready to talk.

If you haven't realised by now, Ida broke up with me no more than 48 hours ago.

It is not the best of feelings to get---when things seem like they were going okay, the release of a bombshell that literally hits me straight in the chest, casting me far beyond where I would be happy to be.

The sad thing is that I can't find a compelling enough reason to literally put her out of my mind. She never did anything to harm me, except for this break-up. Absolutely nothing. And I was happy whenever I was with her.

Am I bitter? Maybe. I like being a little fair in stating my point of view---I am bitter in the sense that it didn't work out. But I harbour no ill feelings towards her.

I just hope that she is happier with her decision made.

I Lost Ida

A year and a bit more, the dream has ended. I lost Ida.

I don't know what else to say. The parting was not made in malice---perhaps that's why it saddens me more than the last time. The last time something like this happened, it was a rather mixed bag of feelings, with anger and sadness all into one.

But this one, this time... it is pure sadness.

I love her---she's an awesome girl, geeky, witty, cute---everything that one might want in a girl. But I guess awesome... I'm really sorry.

I don't know how to write this entry.

All I want to say is... I thought we could have gone far, but we probably really never had a chance---the timing was all off.

Maybe next time, or another life?

I don't know...

I'm in no state to write... I should probably stop.

Magic 500

By now you must be wondering why I am staving off writing this entry, despite having quite a few days of delay between the last entry and this one. Well, to be honest, it is partly due to the fact that this is the magically 500-th entry and that I am also kind of unable to use the computer for quite a few days post surgery.

What surgery you might say. Well, refractive correction---'nuff said. My vision is sufficiently improved now, and even as I am typing this, I am not wearing any glasses (have not been doing do for the last 3 days). It feels kinda odd to be doing work like that without the use of glasses---it feels as though something has been missing in my life. Eh, no matter---at the very least I get to re-experience the feeling of sight before my good vision was robbed from me forever by the persistent myopic condition that affects everyone within the family.

My ability to see has been intertwined with two main forms of vision, namely that of actual refractive capability of my eyes, and the other being the psychological image processing that is done post signal-getting, i.e. with the use of imagination and combination of images. With these two techniques, I can often obtain much higher resolution than what the physical system dictates, and has allowed me to operate at times when I didn't have my glasses on, even prior to the surgery.

Now that the surgery has reduced the refractive errors in my eyes, the technique that I use has given me the ability of near-perfect vision, which is of course a good thing.

So, what about the 500-th post huh? There's really nothing special planned for it---I can't think of anything spectacular that I would really want to talk about during the 500-th post. So, this event will probably pass without any fuss of any sort, with the counter still incrementing. One thing that is interesting though, is the fact that I am still here writing on, despite facing so many problems in the past, from depressed moods to general discomforts in life/irritations at the inanity of some of my fellow earthicans. I still write on.

Writing... this is one of those solitary pursuit activities that I truly treasure a lot. I used to not like keeping diaries nor journals, preferring to bottle up everything within myself. But as time grew on, I realise that I cannot keep on living that way, since there was a practical limit to how much I can safely keep within me without killing myself from thinking/brooding too much. And then of course the blog happened, at a time where its use was on the wane, I picked up my figurative brush and started to write here. I wrote about my life, my life at-large, other people's life, the world and anything that I was interested to think about at that time. Some of these things are personal, but not to the point that I do not even want to discuss about it in public. Many of the stances/points that I talk about here are the same ones that I frequently use in conversation; they are literally public knowledge, and so I am not afriad to talk about them.

Alright... I am losing my train of thought now. I think I will just stop writing for now.

Ramble Bramble

So I've been back in Singapore for the better part of two weeks, and the one thing that I can truly attest to the city is that it is bloody hot. Thankfully though, I have more or less acclimatised to the ridiculous weather conditions, and is slowly getting more and more comfortable with the formerly excruciating heat.

I must say though, that I am starting to like the idea that I have decently good skin now. It is really nice to be able to live through the day and do things without having to feel uncomfortably itchy and dealing with cracked skin from the lack of sebum/thickness of the skin plaque itself. Sure, it is not as dry as in the US (there is this perpetual stickiness from the humidity), but at least I don't feel as uncomfortable as before. The stickiness from the perspiration and humidity is something that one can sort of get used to (taking some showers when the feeling borders upon that of pure discomfort).

That aside, the temperature here is truly abhorrent. The last time I checked my thermometer, it was registering highs of about 35 degrees Celsius, something that was never the case about 6 to 7 years ago. Many people would take this as an indicator that the world is indeed warming up due to the effects of global-warming, but to be really honest about it, the entire mechanism of global warming is not something that just came about recently---it is an action that has been in place for more than fifty years now. To say that the world has only been recently affected by global warming is like saying to an 18-year-old that he/she has just recently grown up.

But as usual, I digress.

Sitting around, waiting for work to begin, can be at times both interesting and infuriating. Interesting because I get to do things that I wanted to do but never quite seem to have the time to do so, like working on one of my multitude of personal projects. Infuriating because what I am doing doesn't pay the bills---one needs a job in order to make enough money to pay off stuff. I'm not saying that I have a ton of bills to pay now, but it is nice to be making some cash to squirrel away so that when I need to use it next time, I will have some at hand.

I've built myself a new machine. She's an Intel Core 2 Quad Core Q9550 with 8GiB of RAM, 1TB hard disk, NVidia Geforce N9600GT graphics card on a Gigabyte motherboard with a 21.5" Samsung LCD display. Her name is Elysie---kind of related to Elyse (differs by one letter!) but sufficiently different. Everything about Elysie is excellent---she runs on Windows XP x64 edition for gaming and the standard Xubuntu 9.04 distro for the main operating system. The only thing that I need to figure out now is how to ssh to Elysie from outside the LAN; this is an issue that is compounded by the rather strange and draconian way in which the ISP implements the IP address mapping; hopefully I can figure this out soon enough.

Well, that's all for now, I suppose.

A Bit About Love...

Love. The motivation that can either make or break a person. One mathematician claimed that love or specifically the dynamics surrounding love can be modelled using differential equations, with fairly reasonable predictive powers; the caveat is that there are a few parameters that require ``estimation'', which is scientific-speak for ``we need to guess that one''. Love is also the fascination or abhorrence of both science and social science alike, with people of all fields trying to make sense of this concept that has permeated throughout society.

To me, love is both an enabler and a disabler. It enables quite a few of my senses and intuitive feeling, while at the same time disabling a few of my lesser traits. My sensitivity to my significant other is heightened, while the general closeness I have with people is a little more dull. I feel more than before, and try not to think too hard on matters of the heart, leaving the task of decision-making and understanding to the other parts of my being. As stated by a psychologist before, a person is more than just what he/she thinks---there are additional dimensions that transcend that of rational thought, and it is this transcendence that allowed me to appreciate the ``softer'' sciences. But I digress yet again.

I thought I have loved before, but that turned out to be a sham, a moment's confusion in the grand scheme of life. I think I am in love now, and I regret that I have to push that thought aside, for fear that I am not truly in love but in love with the thought that I am in love. Reaching deep within my very being, I find that there is this warm fuzziness inside each time I think of Ida. That fuzziness comes not from the thought that I am in love---it is something altogether different. The probability of us being together after this year of separation is statistically low, with many anecdotal evidence that the whole long-term thing not haqving good prognosis and all, but in spite of these terrifying historically-backed data, I still feel strong enough to carry on this relationship. I haven't have the foggiest clue where I am getting all these strength from, but I am not really going to question that.

So, love, what is it actually? For sure I know what it isn't: it isn't lust, it isn't about calling each other every single day, it is not even about caring about each other more than anyone else in the world. What love is is something rather nebulous to define; the best working definition that I have now is that love is trust and communication---the trust that one gives another person when one's heart is handed to them, and the communication that allows all the magic to happen.

I think I am a bit too abstract today... must have been all the problem solving on Project Euler...

Radio Silence Lifted

Radio silence lifted. Welcome home the_laptop!

Radio Silence

Radio silence. Be right back.

I Feel A Little... Illuminated

Full circle huh. So this is how it feels to be a graduate... somewhat bittersweet, somewhat at a loss of direction and words. At yet another major outcome in life, I find myself standing at the checkpoint in pensieve thought once more, trying to figure out what is the best course of action for the things that I want to actually achieve this life time. In many ways, I am really happy to have graduate from one of the hardest computer science programmes in the world, yet in some other ways, I feel a certain indescribable forlorn when I realise that the happy days of the undergraduate years will not come again another time.

Indeed, I did talk about how I never did like goodbyes, citing mostly how the goodbyes themselves overwhelm the psyche with the sense of loss. But today, as I stand before the global stage as a fresh graduate from Carnegie Mellon University, I seem to have a different sense of purpose, like the veil of ignorance have finally parted just a tiny sliver so that I can view the world with a much clearer view. This newfound sense of purpose is rather astonishing to me, and when I actually sit to reflect upon it, I find that in many senses, I have indeed grown up as a person.

The air of calmness that permeates within my mind is something that I have learnt to truly enjoy; as a counsellor once said, I was basically ``at one'' with myself, being able to relax into my entire being and enjoy the sensual comforts, and not just be dependent upon my reasoning faculties. I like this feeling of being able to just ``sink into myself''; it just makes things appear really clear and all the swirls of doubt seem to not mean anything any more. Sometimes I wonder if this calmness will lead to me being lackadaisical and shy away from what I need to do, but the distinction between being ``driven'' and ``motivated'' starts to come into play here. The same counsellor told me that a driven person sees nothing but the goal, and works only for the goal, after which he/she has nothing else to look forward to; there is a strong ``push'' forwards, with little experience actually gained. It is like a surfer charging through the waves, skimming on the superficial, and reaching the end in record time. But the motivated person is like a surfboard that sinks a little deeper into the water, moving forward by virtue of momentum, with energy used only to gently redirect itself. The pace seems slower, but the experiences are richer and more fulfilling from a personal perspective.

So I was a driven person. I push myself hard on many fronts; I still do, actually. But now I have grown to appreciate that life is more than just trying to push forward really hard---the very notion of ``forward'' is nearly impossible to define, since everyone is doing things that vary tremendously even among people who are seemingly within the same field. The only true competition is the self---did I learn more at the end of the time period than what I knew before, or did I learn less? For every smart person out there, there exists some other person who is smarter---there is no universally ``smartest'' person in the world. Why challenge people who are leagues above when one's abilities are nowhere near their match? Challenges are important, but why spend the opportunity cost trying to vie for the impossible when the same amount can be spent in the betterment of the self?

Interesting questions to think about. I feel a little... illuminated.

Raar!

I'm all scary and grown-up.

Raar!

Last...

I have been meaning to write this entry for days, but there is just so much to do in between that it makes me want to sigh many times over. It has been a rather pensieve week to a large degreee, since there are many ``lasts'' that happen this week.

It is the last week of the StuCo I am teaching this semester, namely ``Introduction to Traditional Chinese Music''.

It is the last week of my undergraduate classes.

It is among the last times that I get to hang around campus.

How strangely does time fly. It has been about 3 years since I first stepped foot off Singapore and ended up here in the US, in Carnegie Mellon. I recall many memories from that time, both good and bad. Fresh out of National Service, head swooning from the almost zealous interactions with a horde of new people, I was a much different person then, perhaps a little more naïve, a little more ``pure'' than who I am now. I believed in so much more then, in life, in relationships and in career. Burnt on many fronts based on what I once believed in, I find that as time went on, my entire belief system was systematically deconstructed and rebuilt as my undergraduate career progressed. Now I believe in far, far less than before, ever more skeptical about human nature, ever more wary about things in general.

Sometimes I ask myself, have I strayed from my ``goody-two shoes'' role that I was playing for quite a long while. And as time wore on, I find that my answer became more and more complicated. As a psychologist might put it, I am in the process of rediscovering who I really am, and as a part of that rediscovery, some of the old values have morphed into different ones now. Perhaps I am even more ``unfitting'' with the culture back at Singapore, having been exposed to much more liberal values over here than before. Perhaps the mere fact that I get to make my own decisions here is sufficient to convert me from a purely conservative viewpoint to one that is more liberal in nature. Don't get me wrong, I am still somewhat conservative at heart, but that social conservatism has much of its irrational factors weathered away by the constant exposure to the liberal aspect of life.

So what next? Work first, and then other things will fall into place, I guess.

It feels good to have some control over your life.

Mortality

So usually, I live a life where I feel as though there is some vague semblence of having some control over it. But sometimes, some events occur and then I am rudely reminded of the stark mortality that surrounds me at every turn.

Perhaps I might be oversensitive to some regard, or perhaps there is more that I know that I am not letting on to the rest of the world. But some times, when the feeling strikes me, I feel that I know what is going to happen, despite not really knowing/able to prove what is truly going to occur.

It has been a long day of sorts. I am starting to become weary as the day drags out longer; each time I lie in my bed, I don't really want to get up and get things done. Some call it senioritis; I call it lackadaisical.

Looking for a new drive in life---I guess that is one way of putting it. Perhaps the permonitions that I have had are completely and absolutely false, and that things are not as bad as I always make them out to be.

Perhaps.

Autograph Book

So unlike most times when I would be leaving a place, I am not asking people to write in my autograph book (yes, I am that old to have such a book). It is not because I don't like people writing in that anymore, but that it becomes increasingly socially unacceptable for the practice to continue. That coupled with the ``hi-bye'' relationships that I have with most of the college/university populace, it makes it even more silly to get people to write into that book of mine.

And I think I probably didn't bring it over either, since I have more or less planned not to get this done ahead of time.

But why an autograph book? Many who know what I am talking about will think that it is populated by all kinds of ``nonsense'' which mean nothing say 20 years from when it was written. Yes, I am referring to the myriad of ``personal'' information like one's favourite dog/cat/camel/llama/colour and other mundane things like that. Well, actually, my book has few if not none of those crap. Most of the writings in the book are inspiring in some sense, and sometimes when I feel really down, those words are among the most uplifting that I can get my hands on. I'm probably one of the few people left from that era who has kept a ``proper'' autograph book that I am proud to show to people whom I trust.

And of course, I digressed too much. The question, ``why an autograph book'' can be seen as a means in which I literally obtain feedback from people. It does sound rather strange, doesn't it, soliciting feedback from people about my state of affairs. But it is rather interesting, since sometimes the people write something that is much different from what they act, and through these words one can sometimes tell who is indeed a friend and who is just pretending to be a ``friend''.

Oh the vagaries of life! Reading the articles in the book brings back so many random memories about the people, most of which I have not seen since then. Like memories go, some are good, some are bad. The few that are truly interesting are from [surprise surprise] my teachers back in the day. I guess their words are more delightful to read because they have seen much of the world as compared to the bunch of us who were still young students then, and thus have a wealth of wisdom that is not easily found among my peers. One trend that I do realise is that as time goes on and the people whom I request [politely] to write in my book get older, their words get more meaningful and personal, almost as though through magic my peers have decided to shed their exterior persona projected upon the world and to communicate with me on a personal level.

Life can be a pain if you choose to live without any support at all, be it friends or family. If you are that one person living in this world by yourself, perhaps you might realise this truth sooner so that you won't fall into the abyss of oblivion where your sanity decides to take a long hike down 20,000 leagues under the sea.

Common Law

So here's a little something to think about. Most people, be they ``normal people'' or ``technogeeks'' will tell anyone who cares to listen that their 3-year-old computer system has really outdated software that keeps getting larger and larger, and perhaps they need to reinstall everything ever so often just to make sure that the computer ``still works''. This demonstrates the basic premise of software, namely the need to constantly re-examine the software that has been written, and perhaps even to write a newer version of it when the time comes that the kludges are no longer working as well or if the said kludges are also less maintainable.

Sounds nice and good and commonsensical.

Now, consider the legal/penal system in many of the world's countries today. For a large part, there is the concept of Common Law, which basically refers to law that exists because the courts ruled a certain way. However, for the part of law that is not Common Law, there are many statutes/rules/codes written to govern what is and is not permissible, including the punishments in cases of infraction. So, one way that the legal system works is to rely on the codified law to judge cases, and where there are precedents for a particular case, they will be studied and then the concepts of Common Law will apply, perhaps with the legislative arm of the government creating new laws to ensure that the outcomes thus specified are generalised into laws. These newly created laws will, in principle, help to clarify what is and is not permissible under the eyes of the law, based on the arguments that were put forth from the arbitration of the case.

So far, I have not said anything that is out of the ordinary yet. But now comes the kicker.

If one thinks of the law as a computer program that determines what is acceptable and what is unacceptable, and that the society's people are the running components of the entire ``computer system'', then the analogy will be clear that the law itself ought to be engineered the way software is engineered, i.e. there should be some limited time before the program (or in this case, the law) be re-written so as to reduce the kludges and other gunk that has gathered over the years and to ensure that the law is easier to enforce, thus reducing the latency between when someone first invokes the law and when the matter gets resolved in the courts.

A succinct version of the law has many obvious advantages. The citizenry are aware of exactly what they are allowed and disallowed to do, which means that the allegations of police officers abusing their police power and/or charging people in custody under the myriad of possible crimes [that the impounded never truly knew] will be reduced. The law, being much smaller in numbers of governing statues/codes/regulations, will be more easily maintained and thus have much fewer contradictions as a whole than before. Obsolete pieces of law that made sense at that point in time (like segregation for example) can also be easily identified and discarded to make the law more relevant to daily living.

Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to do what I have just described, despite having the aforementioned benefits. The biggest issue here is that of inertia, and that of transition. Inertia comes about because there are thousands of lawyers out there who have spent much of their lives wheeling and dealing under the current law, and a change of the law to something less complicated will most likely to be met with serious objection because it degrades the status of a lawyer from that of a modern day warrior to just a peon who happens to know a little more than the ordinary person on the law. But transition will prove to be the bigger problem---there will be a vacuum of governance when the old code of law is being revised into the concise form; which version ought one to follow if the new version of the law looks siginificantly different from the old one? The last big issue why the law will not change in the way that I describe is that the modern society, despite its claims to democracy, is not truly egalitarian the way many would have envisioned it. All people are created equal in terms of political and social representation, except some people happen to be more equal than others and thus have a vested interest in some of the laws that were written. Thus, a creation of a concise version of the law may mean the end of special provision for various corporations/individuals who have made use of the law to their own gains through careful manipulating.

So what has this little thing show us? There might be ways in which we can make things better, but under various guises of ``equality'' and other liberal-sounding jargon, we find that the system our forebears have left us are the ones that we are forced to work with, whether or not we like them.

Scapegoats

People are lazy. This is particularly true no matter where one looks. From the rank-and-file to the ``head honchos'' of the company, everyone is lazy. Usually this is not a problem, since people who are lazy tend to be a little innovative and get the job done in the end. The problem comes when something bad happens, and the people's innovation fall into the unethical realm.

Yes, I am talking about the issue of scapegoats.

Scapegoats are the most unlucky of the lot, being the ones chosen to take the fall for whatever blunder was made, whether or not they were involved with the matter at hand. I have been made a scapegoat before, and I can assure you that it is not the most comfortable feeling ever. The worst feeling comes when there's absolutely no one to appeal to to redress the malignment---it is literally the shittiest situation to ever be in.

Why talk about scapegoats now, one might wonder. There were several recent happenings which caused quite a ruckus to the denizens of the cluster, and as part of what happened, two not-so-guilty parties who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time got ``set-up'' to take the fall of the actions of the nameless few who were more flagrant violators of the unspoken rule. Sure, one can say ``tough luck'' to these two folks and then laugh it off over a beer on how unlucky they were, but think about this from the perspective of those who were investigating. What had prompted them to go down this route? Why did they choose to ``mark'' these two people instead of hunting down the myriad who had done actions more unspeakable than the alleged violations that the two were slapped with?

I think the reason is straightforward. The powers that be just needed scapegoats. Think about it this way. If the wrong-doing were something that many people had done, would it make much sense for an investigator to expend all the effort just to bring all these people to ``justice''? If you were untainted by the modern news network, I think that your answer would be a resounding ``no''. In fact, if you were somewhat rational, you would think that all you needed to do was to just catch hold of that one poor sod that didn't manage to get away and make him/her a lesson for the others to learn from.

I am not making allegations in malice---I am just using this story as an example of how our current society works. In the past, I truly believed that justice could be impartially dealt with, the facts will point the way and the guilty will pay for their misdemeanour, while the innocent will be freed from all persecution. Unfortunately, the world doesn't quite work that way. The person with the most money wins, whether or not he/she was in the right or wrong, while the person with the least money is destined to lose, unless somehow the miscarriage of justice is blatant enough that turning a blind eye to the matter is impossible.

We live in a time of fear and confusion. Left and right we are bombarded by advertisement and paid propaganda on what is ``right'' and what is ``wrong'', sometimes with wholly illogical consequences. Life used to be simpler---to live a good life, one just lived a life that was free of ``sin'' (for some definition of ``sin''), but in this time and age where the original concept of morality is lacking and ad hoc, there is no way that a normal person can lead a life that is truly free of injustices/wrong-doings.

At the end of the day, people just live to avoid being made scapegoats, and to earn enough money to stave away the rich vultures circling overhead, ready to swoop down when you are unguarded, and to take your carrion back to their growing pile of increasing success, while you get trampled all over the place, never truly finding the voice and conviction necessary to prove your innocence once and for all.

``Herd'' Mentality

The other sad thing about life that one realises as one gets older is the paradoxical lack of control over affairs, despite being in a better position to actually make good use of the resources at one's disposal. Think about it this way. When one was still a child, the environment that one interacted with was much smaller; there's mainly the home and the school, and possibly with the extended family members. Unfortunately, as one grows up, one's social circles increase in size, and slowly [but surely] one will find that control is utterly lost.

But I think I need to be careful with what I say. When I say ``control'', I mean being able to influence things and make things move along through personal intervention. It is clear then when one is still a child, the environment allows much control to be exerted, even if one did not realise that one could do that to one degree or another. Sadly, once one is aware of such abilities, the environment has changed and there is little opportunity to demonstrate/use one's abilities.

Part of the reason why this is the case is the cultivation of the ``herd'' mentality. As children begin their lives interacting with the world, they do not understand the concept of conformance, and thus present a more care-free outlook towards life; they are also insulated from the vagaries of life and thus have the almost-perfect conditions to be the way they are. But fast forward a few more years, and one finds that the child's individuality and antics associated with it are not as tolerated as before, and the child learns how to conform, either through physical conformance (like wearing uniforms/dressing in a certain way), or even psychological conformance (like creationism is the only truth to how life came about, and not evolutionism). By the time the child reaches young adult-hood, the damage has been done---he/she has developed the ``herd'' instinct, never truly wanting to explore the borders beyond what the ``herd'' mentality dictates.

For the most part, at least, from the perspective of governing bodies, ``herd'' mentality is a good trait for the masses, since it makes policing and governing them easy. However, from the social development standpoint, I doubt that having only ``herd'' mentality is sufficient for a society to progress beyond the level that it is already at. Think about it in another way, if everyone were to only follow the crowd and not innovate, life would not be the way it is now because the inventions that we have grown to rely on would cease to exist at such an early stage because no one would be willing to challenge the social norm and create something that the world has never seen before.

But what has all of this got to do with the control that I talk about before? Well, simply put, the rejection of the ``herd'' mentality will actuallly allow more control to be weaved back into a person's life. What do I mean, you might ask. If one does not readily conform to society's wants, then one is able to look at things from a critical perspective and decide if the said social norms are worth following. Here is an example of what I mean. Take a look at the UK currently. It is of no doubt that the UK has developed a culture of surveillance on all of its people, and not just the ones who are suspects to a case. In fact, you would be photographed by no less than 3 cameras while just walking along the street in London. What has happened here? This is the ``herd'' mentality being in effect---most of the masses do not understand the mumbo-jumbo that the people in power say, and due to their ``herd'' mentality, decide ``for themselves'' that what the government does is good for them and thus no one makes any noise/comment about the ramifications of having such an extensive surveillance network on all the people, whether you are suspicious of committing a crime or not. Of course, the other way of looking at this will be that dissenters to the plan were secretly incarcerated and thus prevented from airing their views, but this is already bordering on the line of speculation and I do not think that it is a worthwhile direction to take since conspiracy theories are just so easy to make.

I am not advocating that people go against their governments. I am saying that people should reject blindly following anything and to think for themselves critically, evaluating within their understanding framework if the said ideas are indeed worthy of being followed. That trait, unfortunately, is not readily seen in most people because their either do not care, or do not know how to care (i.e. cannot think critically). We live in interesting/terrifying times, and the longer that we do not wrest control of our lives and thoughts from the ``herd'', the more injustices can occur through the inactions of many.

Human Social Interaction

The strange sad thing about human social interactions is this: despite being the ``social animals'' that we claim to be, the concept of being ``social'' itself is suspect. For instance, most of the interactions that we have with most people tend to be of the shallow sort, also known as the ``hi-bye'' type of social interaction. Not that this is wrong, but I find that this is rather counterintuitive to what one would normally associate with the semantics of being ``social''.

To a large degree, the increased use of technology in both communications and transportation can be considered the real reasons why this phenomenon is happening. Long ago, few would travel farther than their immediate surroundings, since the relatively egalitarian society (and lack of the ability to travel!) meant that most of what a person would require to live on is available there. Fast forward a few hundred years, and we find ourselves in the current situation, where people are flying all over the world conducting business and recreation, where unless one is from a really backwater country, there is a substantial number of goods that are available are from other parts of the world, imported through the extensive transportation network that took a few hundred years to build up and maintain.

But what has all these got to do with why people are less socially intimate with each other? Well, the answer is rather straightforward---there's just too many people to meet, too many places to go and too many things to work on to be able to invest the time (and other opportunity costs!) necessary to establish a more intimate social relationship other than the ``hi-bye'' variety. Gone were the days when neighbours would actually visit each other just to talk about all things great and small, gone are the days where people actually knew who were living around them. Each household is an isloated one, and runs independently on how the world actually works. Extended families are no longer as close to each other, and in many cases, people are turning to professional help for their needs, as opposed to the tradition of seeking one's relatives for help first.

Is this a bad thing then? Like many arguments, the answer to this one is highly subjective. On the one hand, being exposed to the world and thus meeting other people/cultures is a great way of improving one's role as a global citizen. On the other hand, that people only know each other superficially means that the support network in times of catastrophe can be flaky at best, since one would be unlikely to risk one's life and limb in order to help someone whom they do not know ``close enough''.

But for now, enough of the rather pretentious air that I seem to be evoking by talking about the world at large. Let's talk about me. I don't really like the whole superficial socialisation business; to me, it is a symbol of devaluation of what it means to be human. Suddenly people are not seen for who they are, but by just what they can do. Ever heard of that ``super-star'' person who gets away with almost anything just because he/she is really good at what he/she does, even though he/she is a complete and utterly terrible person who tyrannises the people they work with? I've seen these kinds of people before, and I guess that their behaviour is partially influenced by the fact that the world works on very superficial social situations. Of course I can argue in the other direction---how many people are out there in decision-making positions who are really incompetent by are they simply because they make themselves look as though the people know them really well?

Social interactions as a whole then is rather complicated to define and practise, particularly under this rapid globalisation context where people just don't hang around long enough for others to truly learn more about them. The phrase ``life in the fast lane'' comes to mind each time I think about how people are just putting on a show for everyone else to see, simply because they don't really know how best to carry themselves in front of others. Sadly, this ``show business'' is also used heavily among people who are supposed to be intimate with each other, like couples. That could possibly be the reason why divorce rates are so high in many developed countries; people get into a ``serious'' relationship based on the charade they see, and when time wears on and the charade disintegrates, all that is left is the bareness of an immature soul that only knows how to make people like them and not know how to be themselves.

Many have called me tactless, and of course I agree with them. That is not the complete truth, however, since my ``tactlessness'' does not appear where it ``counts'' socially, i.e. when I am truly expected to put on a show for others (like in a business setting for example). I am candid when I am with people whom I think that I can trust, and being candid means that I do not bar the expression of my feelings and thoughts to these people. And all these explains why I have decided to stay out of #cslounge from now on. Don't get me wrong, it is a nice place to talk about things of all sorts and to listen to various perspectives of people. But then there's this problem of being a clique---they are from #cslounge and are thus ``better'' than those of us who are not on that place. A look through the logs will show this to be the case in general throughout the history of the place. I am there, but I am not there, which is a rather strong distinction that I think I must say. Not that I don't like the people on #cslounge, but that at this point, they don't need me, and I don't need them either. Might as well stay away since there is nothing of importance being lost. I mean, in a year, they would not remember me, we would be doing divergent activities, and life still goes on differently for all of us. And I never really felt the need to conform to their philosophy and will; there are other more interesting things that I can do (and I should!).

Alright, enough talk on the nature of human social interaction. I'm getting sick of writing about this topic already. Till next time.

Code and LISP

Yet another day passes, but this time, it is significantly more productive than what I would have grown to expect. The month of April comes upon us, and soon it will be May, and I would have graduated, and will need to make my way back home, away from my lovely girlfriend, and into the supposed drudgeries of a working life. Having never truly learnt LISP before, I find that the code I'm hacking in that language just seems to flow like the wine that one pours out of the amphora; each drop that falls out contain the brevity and wisdom that is within my make-up.

I guess I'm starting to have a good feel of what it means to be a ``hacker'' as opposed to just being a programmer.

Code, I live it, I breathe it, I eat it, and I work it.